No sleep - how do you cope?

[GatsbyMH]

These days my agitation level is around a 1-2 on a scale of 1-10. Some things make it worse and tonight it's bubbling up a little. When I can't sleep and get exhausted I get a lot more ragged around the edges. I will worry and obsess more. Which leads to more loss of sleep and such. You can see the vicious cycle.

 

What to do? I don't want to self medicate but I feel that's my only option since I can't control certain things in my life right now. I have to accept things as they are and endure them.

 

So, I've never been a drinker but I did buy some weak as could be drinks. Mikes Hard Lemonade (Lite - gotta watch my girlish figure..lol) and they are really nothing. I've always heard that some alcohol during a day can help with your health overall so I'm using that as an excuse to drink a little.

 

This tightness in my chest. I've been feeling it for a few months now. Even if I fell asleep now I will be up in 4 hours worrying again.

 

The woman I love is now home with her family after being out of town for a couple of days. They are separating slowly (living together with little to no sex) but they still share the same bed. She asked me tonight if I would allow her to take a family overnight trip to a nearby city with her kids and husband. Mainly for a treat for kids since there is a nice zoo, attractions, etc.

 

I told her I can't tell her what to do. It's her family and I trust her. I have the strongest faith and conviction in her. I know she will separate from her husband in the next year (if not sooner). When the kids are along they can't do anything freaky anyway because they all share the same bed and room. That only worries me a little. I just get jealous of times like that. I'm not the father of her kids but I'd like to do those things with them. It's just not my place.

 

I feel like a fool some days.

[whichwayisup]

She is still 'living' life with her husband. Sorry but that doesn't seem like a couple who are separating.

 

Her actions do not meet her words. And, if you totally believe she is sharing the marital bed with her husband and there's no intimacy going on at all, then yes, you are fooling yourself.

 

Your love, your emotions and heart are blinding you, and it's hurting you.

 

What happens in a year if she is not separated and divorced? Do you really think this is happening? do you have proof? Does her husband know she's been having an affair and is he actually aware of this 'impending' separation?

 

Again, them going away isn't a family that's about to split up.

[Hopelessromantic25]

These days my agitation level is around a 1-2 on a scale of 1-10. Some things make it worse and tonight it's bubbling up a little. When I can't sleep and get exhausted I get a lot more ragged around the edges. I will worry and obsess more. Which leads to more loss of sleep and such. You can see the vicious cycle.

 

What to do? I don't want to self medicate but I feel that's my only option since I can't control certain things in my life right now. I have to accept things as they are and endure them.

 

So, I've never been a drinker but I did buy some weak as could be drinks. Mikes Hard Lemonade (Lite - gotta watch my girlish figure..lol) and they are really nothing. I've always heard that some alcohol during a day can help with your health overall so I'm using that as an excuse to drink a little.

 

This tightness in my chest. I've been feeling it for a few months now. Even if I fell asleep now I will be up in 4 hours worrying again.

 

The woman I love is now home with her family after being out of town for a couple of days. They are separating slowly (living together with little to no sex) but they still share the same bed. She asked me tonight if I would allow her to take a family overnight trip to a nearby city with her kids and husband. Mainly for a treat for kids since there is a nice zoo, attractions, etc.

 

I told her I can't tell her what to do. It's her family and I trust her. I have the strongest faith and conviction in her. I know she will separate from her husband in the next year (if not sooner). When the kids are along they can't do anything freaky anyway because they all share the same bed and room. That only worries me a little. I just get jealous of times like that. I'm not the father of her kids but I'd like to do those things with them. It's just not my place.

 

I feel like a fool some days.

I'm gonna be honest with you boss, if she's gonna separate with her H, it has to be for her and not for you...I know it's tough and you're going through a lot but people don't just get over relationship moreover marriages over a night or even a week. There has to be some distance in between.

 

If her marriage is failing and she bounces to you, you're gonna be held liable if things go wrong, and that's just gonna lead to more heartache my friend. I can tell you really care about this women but think about what the outcome would be if she doesn't deal with her so called failing marriage in her own way. Stay strong buddy.

 

There's no way around hell, you gotta go right through.

[whichwayisup]

As for trouble falling asleep, try putting the TV on and falling asleep to that. Do yoga to help relax your nerves. Join a gym and make yourself get tired out, that ought to help with sleeping as well.

[RickFox]

I see nothing but more pain and heartache for you. blinded by your emotions and trust in a woman who has a family and history with the man she is slowly separating from....mmmhh. Step out of the way, cut her from your life for now and see what actions are taken. You won't of course and in the next few months you might be back asking why she turned on you and decided to give her marriage another try

[bentleychic]

I will only address the lack of sleep issue. I've been there quite a bit as well. (Even before getting involved with MM.)

 

Part of the issue is that after a certain amount of time, your body gets in to this new sleep pattern (or lack thereof). My body likes to wake at 2am and thinks I should stay awake thinking about everything for a couple of hours.

 

I was recommended Zzzquil (sp?). I believe you can find it at WalMart. It's supposed to be nonhabit forming and is not for illness, just to help you sleep.

 

I actually did not try it, yet, but DID start taking melatonin which is a natural sleep aid. It doesn't PUT you to sleep, but helps you sleep and stay asleep. The key with this is that it's not immediate. You have to take one every night and it helps your body establish a new sleep pattern. I noticed a change in about a week or a little less. I feel MUCH better in every avenue now that I'm actually sleeping.

 

With all of that said, it sounds like you also have some anxiety related issues going on and, even though that might just be situational, it may be worth addressing with your primary care physician.

 

Good luck, hon.

[Speakingofwhich]

I've also used melatonin for sleep with great success. There are other natural remedies for anxiety such as valerian root herb and passion flower herb, to name a couple. Gaba and L-theanine are also great relaxers for sleep or otherwise.

 

These things are not addictive and work with your body instead of in opposition to it. I've known some people who've gotten in a mess (addiction) from using psychotropic meds so I stick with the natural.

 

Google some of these things to learn more.

 

Something else that will help you in every aspect of your life including anxiety is exercise!

[GatsbyMH]

Wow, I had forgotten about this thread.

 

So, two days after I made this post my agitation hit a new high. I had a big fight with my separated ex (working on the divorce paperwork today) and I pretty much lost it. Agitation level went through the roof and I sat in my bedroom crying for an hour. I mean, little kid type sobbing. My eyelids were swollen up huge the next morning from it.

 

After that, my stress levels have dropped to 0 to .5 on a scale of 1-10. It's been great. I can sleep again without any real issues. I still wake up in the night some but for the most part I can now go back to sleep. I'm feeling healthy and myself again.

 

So, I'm a big believer in Fate kind of thing. Cause and affect as it were. So, up until maybe a month or so ago I felt fine. I felt good. I had some stress but I was dealing with it pretty well. Then something happened with my AP (she told her hubby she didn't want to stay married but she wanted to stay in the house with him until it sold). This to me was great news but for her it was raw and confusing still. Some other stuff happened, she got jealous of my ex and she got distant to me for a few days right after she told me they were splitting up.

 

So, I got really really worried. She told me they were splitting up, she got jealous over the time I was spending with my ex (attempting to be friends) and then got quiet on me for a few days. I was so sure she had changed her mind about being with me that I was having some big issues.

 

We cleared that up a few days later. She explained why she felt jealous and apologized for being distant and hadn't realized how bad it was affecting me. When she is mad or upset she gets distant, that's just who she is.

 

But all that stress remained in my system. It was just building and building. Then I talked to my ex via text and she said she had hopped on Match.com and had made a profile just for fun. Since I initiated our divorce I thought this was great and that she was moving on. She asking me if I was seeing anyone and I said, not really but I had been talking to someone off and on for a month or two.

 

Ex wife flipped out. We got into this huge fight and I told her I needed space and some distance. Up until this point we were trying to be friends but it made the AP really jealous when I spent time with her, even innocently, lunch or dinner. Breakfast out on the weekend and I did my laundry at her place.

 

My ex is a bit OCD. She likes her pattern and that's one of the things the divorce really upset in her life. So, I agreed to do a few things like we used to do as she adjusted. She got demanding that I do them and would get really upset if I cancelled or wanted to do something else. Up until now I didn't know how to break off the rest of these things we did together without it causing more strife and pain. I didn't mind hanging out with her but it really bothered the AP so I wanted it to end.

 

So, after all this stuff happens I'm still super frazzled from stress and on edge. I tell her I'm not doing anything with her anymore unless I want to. I won't adhere to any schedules and the like. Ugly fight. Ugly. So, after this I go home and cry my eyes out the next night.

 

After that, I felt great. My patience was back which was really thinning. I often wonder if all these events were set in motion by some higher authority to get me to the point of weakness which I normally wouldn't have been at, so as to break off more of my ties with my ex.

 

I know it's reaching but I usually have infinite patience. I could never just go to NC without a fight and my patience and normal kindness would normally stop me.

 

Now, I feel great. My AP is still progressing in her marriage to being separated. I do get jealous a lot but for the moment, I have to deal with it.

 

Moral of the story is - I support crying. It's very good for the body and soul. Twice now in my life I've vented like that and each time I feel so much less stressed afterwards.

[Speakingofwhich]

Ya, crying is so therapeutic!

 

Do you think doing things with your ex keeps her hopes for R up?

[GatsbyMH]

I see nothing but more pain and heartache for you. blinded by your emotions and trust in a woman who has a family and history with the man she is slowly separating from....mmmhh. Step out of the way, cut her from your life for now and see what actions are taken. You won't of course and in the next few months you might be back asking why she turned on you and decided to give her marriage another try

 

It has been rough that's for sure. You are right that I won't cut her from my life. It's an odd thing to say but to each other, we have always been best friends first. We were best friends for 7 years before our A started. Which has made us nothing but closer.

 

I know it's easy to fall victim to the belief that she won't leave. I trust her more than I've ever trusted another soul. She tells me if not for the kids she would already be gone and I believe her. They fight all the time about how he changed so many things about himself for her but she won't try to fix the marriage.

 

I don't blame her for being confused, reluctant or scared to make big changes. There are so many more emotions for them both to deal with without it being any more destructive than it has to be. I'm a patient man.

 

He's a nice guy. He is. I wish he we're a jerk and a A-hole who I could hate. He just isn't the right guy for her. She said she had doubts on their wedding day if she had made the right decision.

[GatsbyMH]

Ya, crying is so therapeutic!

 

Do you think doing things with your ex keeps her hopes for R up?

 

We've been separated since late May. I made the decision to try and be friends because that's what I honestly wanted at the time. I told her that 75% of our relationship was good but the part that wasn't had to go, which included our marriage.

 

Through the months of talking she understands how I wasn't ever happy in our marriage. This was before the A started. When she was packing she was taking all of our pictures out of the frames and getting rid of them. She spread them all out and asked me to look at them. In all of the pictures of us together I was never smiling. She realized then that I had been unhappy for a while.

 

She accepted it pretty quickly. I think she really just enjoyed my company because we have always had good conversations and companionship. She tells me she doesn't love me and even if I said I wanted to work on fixing things she wouldn't. I believe her.

 

The things we still did together up until two weeks ago, I think some of them made her still very reliant upon me. Maybe not in a love kind of way but just as someone in her life to bond with. I know she will never move on if I stayed a constant fixture in her life because she would still be getting from me what she got in our marriage, companionship.

 

She came by last night to tell me she wants to try NC for a while. We work together and still have some shared things in our marriage so it will be very minimal contact for a while. Coming from her, this is a big step.

 

I think we both need time to heal even though I am the initiator of all this I need to learn to be myself again. And the same for her.

[bentleychic]

I'm glad you are feeling better. Crying can be very cathartic at times. My problem is that when I start, sometimes I can't stop! LOL Like can cry at the drop of a hat for days once I get started.