What to expect next?

[margaretjones865]

I met this guy from a dating site. We had a lot in common and hit it off right away on our first date. We initially met at a coffee shop and then he extended the date to include dinner. We ended the first date with a little peck on the lips. One week later, he took me to see an art exhibition and we had a really good time. He held my hands and gave me a kiss as we wandered in the museum.

 

After dinner, he invited me to his place and we slept together. I didn't plan to have sex this early but he seems to be a very respectful, mature guy (btw, I'm 26 and he's 38). He said he thought we had potential. We cuddled all night, there was a great deal of pillow talk and no awkwardness. I liked him a lot but I think I gave off the vibe that I wanted to take things slow, since I've been single for a long time and would need some time to warm up to a new person again. Also I'm a bit hesitant to date someone more established than me - I'm afraid of a power imbalance or that I'd come to rely too much on him. I do try to make it clear that I'm not dating to take advantage of him financially as I suggested splitting the check on the 2nd date (he paid for my museum admission though).

 

At one point I told him I never had a fwb and was curious, without hinting at anything. Later on, he teased me that I had a fwb like I always dreamed of, and that's a good start for us. As he dropped me off in the morning, he confirmed my availability, and I told him we'd figure something out. About 2 days later, I asked if he wanted to hang out on Thursday or Sunday, since I'm busy on Fri and Sat. He said Thu would be fine. I asked him out to check out a dance hall I often went to in the past. Now, I feel that might have been a risky move from me since this is invitation to something quite personal and going dancing as a beginner could be an awkward experience to many people (he doesn't dance).

 

He took the dance lesson and was willing to try out what he learned, but since he hasn't learned a lot of moves, we left after dancing to a couple of songs. As he dropped me off, we shared a kiss and he said he'd hope to see me again soon. Somehow, despite the casual vibe I gave off before, I feel I'm developing an attachment towards him now. During our third date, he didn't hold my hands and I was a bit disappointed about that -- but maybe that's too much of a relationship thing to do?

 

Later that night (Thu) I sent him a dance video, and he didn't reply to that msg until Sunday. We both do not like to text so much except to make plans to see each other. He's also running a startup so I'm sure he's quite busy. I'm waiting for him to make plans for the next date, but I kinda hate it that I'm getting attached and starting to have expectations.

 

How do I stop being insecure about this? Thank you for any advice/feedback!

Edited October 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cif]

You're "getting attached and starting to have expectations" because you slept with him too early.

 

Wait for him to contact. Seems odd that he waited three days to respond but maybe he was hoping to see you? Was that today or last week?

[margaretjones865]

Thank you for your reply. What do you mean that he was hoping to see me? We went out this past Thursday and he replied to my txt today.

Edited October 14, 2013 by margaretjones865

[deathandtaxes]

How to be less insecure? Date more than one at a time! While you're waiting on something from A, plan something with B and C. A might drop off. B and C might be sticks in the mud. Then you're talking with D, E, and F. Etc.

[cif]

Thank you for your reply. What do you mean that he was hoping to see me? We went out this past Thursday and he replied to my txt today.

 

Hoping to see you yesterday since you told him you were busy fri and sat? I would say give him another week before writing him off but don't initiate.

[clia]

Congratulations, you have a ****buddy!

 

Look, sleeping with a guy on the second date does not "give off the vibe that you want to take things slow." In fact, it does the exact opposite.

 

This guy is probably pinching himself that he got a 26 year old woman to sleep with him on date 2 and volunteer to be his ****buddy! Sounds like a dream come true for him.

 

Ugh.

 

Don't expect this to go anywhere. I can't imagine why, in a million years, you would have ever even brought up the topic of fwb with this guy. You can see that he latched onto it and hasn't let go.

 

You can also see that he has pulled back from you. You asked him out for date three and planned date three, he didn't hold your hand or act relationshippy as he did on your second date, he took three days to respond to your text message, he hasn't asked you out yet again, he hasn't called you...

 

Yeah.

 

If he is interested in a relationship with you (which I doubt) you should hear from him within the next day or two at the latest to set up a date for Friday or Saturday night. Let us know if that happens.

[margaretjones865]

Thank you for your feedback. I can't juggle different dates at the same time, unfortunately. In fact, I deactivated my dating account -- not because I trust there will be something serious coming from this guy, but I would need some time off if this doesn't work out. I'm quite an emotional person and I would have to clear my head before going on dates with someone else, especially if this turns out to be a disappointing experience. I don't want any prejudice or negativity to rub off on my interaction with someone new.

[margaretjones865]

Update: he contacted me again on Thursday asking if I'd be interested in hanging out again soon. I texted him back about my availability.

 

On the upside of things, since I started this thread I've calmed down a lot and are now keeping my options open again. I deleted his number during the past two weeks to avoid texting him first, and because of that I was able to get over my initial anxiety and learned to accept the possibility of him not contacting again. From this story, I realize it was unwise of me to hook up too early, because it made me feel guilty of meeting other people afterwards and messed up with my emotions. I also realize I'm not the type that can handle a fwb relationship, despite the curiosity. He has not confirmed his hanging out plan, but no matter what he says I have a clearer idea of what I want now and will make sure he knows. Perhaps we can start from square 1 again, or not.

[Assasda]

I think youre sabotaging yourself and over thinking.

 

I dont think it would be wrong if you called him again.

 

I think that you just need to tell him that you are a very emotional person, and hopes that he understands that.

-I dont think any of this has to do with you sleeping with him. You felt something, and you acted on it.

 

Call him. I think you guys could have loads of fun

[margaretjones865]

Hi everyone,

 

I was able to get closure on this case last weekend. It ended amicably and I'm now able to move on without regrets.

 

So what happened was, after my reply on Thursday, I still did not hear anything from him until Sunday morning, when he texted me that he has been so busy with work and maybe I can 'come over for a bit this afternoon'. As I told you guys, after two weeks of no contact, I was convinced that he is not interested in anything serious, so I replied back that I wouldn't be able to do this casual thing, and maybe when he has more time and interest, we can start over. He apologized for misunderstanding my intention, since from our conversations he thought I was looking for something casual. He also said yes perhaps we could pick things up again later when our schedules are more aligned. I explained to him that I don't want to get hurt/desensitized myself and he replied that he understood and definitely would not want to make me sad either.

 

What he said about misunderstanding me is quite true and partly my fault because I was rather confused about what I really wanted at the beginning. Now looking back at things, he did try to poke around to gauge at where my expection was at. I just dabbled in online dating since last month and was not sure about what I wanted to get out of it. Bottom line though, as it turned out, I was not happy with the way he went cold on me. I wasn't expecting a full-blown relationship after three dates and I'm in no way needy to the point of needing assurance everyday, but I thought we could still go on dates and get to know each other. Intuitively, I felt that on the third date, even though he was nice to be, the feeling I got was more friendly rather than romantic. Receiving a booty call text message like that, with the preclude that he was swamped with work (as if to make it easier to him to be rid of me once we're done) really confirmed my intuition that he is not the right guy for me.

 

I feel relieved that I was able to clear my head (thanks for his NC, actually) and got my message across. I'm pretty sure I'd feel bad to be in such an arrangement. It's quite a pity because he's quite interesting and we have a lot in common, but I think it is best to leave things there where my impression of him is still positive, rather than being in an arrangement that would potentially make me resent him down the line. A part of me thought about letting thing develop naturally, but I have read that a situation like this would never work. I also think if a guy at his age (38) knows that he only wants casual, he probably has a pretty strong reason to.

Edited October 31, 2013 by margaretjones865

[lil_missy]

hey OP, just wanted to say thanks for sharing the conclusion and it helped me so much! im in almost exactly the same situation as you, except been seeing the guy a couple months. and i KNOW he is not a bad person, but couldnt understand why it was so good when we are together but he also went for a week or 2 at a time with no contact at all.

i didnt want to be clingy and ask him. but now theres no need to ask, i realise this is just a casual relationship in his mind and one which i led him to believe i was happy with. so he felt no need to check in btwn "dates".

my thoughts and feelings were exactly like yours, so dont feel alone in your experience.

[Valen]

Never sleep with a stranger after a few dates if your hope is to have a real lasting relationship with them. Even if that's your first time doing it, they will think you have done this with plenty of guys. So they would have lost a lot of respect for you and see you no more than just a casual hook up. Make them wait. A guy who is genuinely into you wouldn't mind spending more time to get to know you.

[margaretjones865]

lit_missy: I'm glad my experience is of value to you. I think in a lot of cases we as women are afraid to appear clingy by demanding more from a guy, and so we compromise our expectations in a relationship. Sometimes we try to be patient and hang there to see if he ever comes around. However, if the guy has decided earlier that he doesn't want to invest too much in a relationship with you, the relationship cannot take off into something substantial. While a relationship is partly feelings, chemistry, and all of that which we have no control of, and certainly all those feelings don't appear suddenly but progress gradually over time, I believe that a serious relationship requires work and a bit of deliberation from both sides. A simple intention to get to know someone at a deeper level, to put in the time to understand them emotionally, might just be that very first step we need for a relationship to grow. I think it is not unreasonable that we expect at least that amount of interest from a guy early on, and if he doesn't demonstrate that, maybe it's a better time investment for us to look elsewhere.

 

What is funny also, and I will share with you guys here, is that even though I closed my dating account (and still not reactivated it yet), I got a date from a phone app (Tinder) recently. I heard that this phone app is mostly used for quick hookups, as you don't know much about the other person besides evaluating their looks. Anyway, I don't really take that app seriously because of its reputation but decided anyway to meet up with a guy who seemed to be nice and non-sleazy in his chat. He turned out so far to be much more enthusiastic in getting to know me than the other guy. Had I not cut it off with the other guy, I could not have felt right to go on a date and get to know this new person. I'm glad things turned out the way they did.

Edited November 1, 2013 by margaretjones865

[margaretjones865]

@Valen: While I think there's some truth to this, I'm not sure if I would be into men who think like this anyway. In my opinion, if a man is more into a woman who makes him wait than a woman who doesn't make him wait, I think what transpires is that a man like that judges a woman based on her sexual value/worth (and thus, a woman who seems more hard to get sexually is more desirable) and doesn't consider her other qualities with as much significance. Personally, I'm pretty confident that I'm an interesting enough woman with depth and personality that a guy would want to learn more about. Of course, my personality might not be his cup of tea, and I'm fine with that -- and that could be a reason why he doesn't call back -- but a guy who discards a chance with me right away because I slept him early is exercising a double standard that wouldn't impress me.

 

With this guy I have been going on about in this thread, I feel we have developed enough comfort and rapport for me to be okay with sleeping with him at that point. May I also say I have not had regular sex for the last three years and simply wanted him? Did I pause a moment and think how he might negatively view me before we had sex? That thought certainly crossed my mind. I decided to go ahead with it anyway because I trust that from our conversations, I have shown him that I'm an interesting woman worth pursuing, and I trust that he is mature enough to not hold the timing of sex against me. We talked about our sexual history and he knows I'm not a prude but not promiscuous either. I had 3 guys before him, so you could say I'm at an inquisitive stage in my sexual life at the moment. He said I'm quite tame relatively to many women. He shared that he had 12 or so women, and even consorted with prostitutes a couple of times. Now, in this scenario, I could be in a position to lose respect for him and not want to get to know him further, but I don't. I think an open-minded and understanding person would not judge someone too harshly based on their sexual history, they should try to understand and empathize. I still don't believe that he simply lost interest after sex like a lot of you guys seem to suggest. As I said, he has his reasons, whatever they are, they don't concern me at all. It is what it is.

 

What didn't work out for me, as I mentioned earlier, is that sleeping with him early created attachment and made me anxious about him reciprocating my interest. In that sense, I agree sleeping with him early was unwise, because it really put pressure on the relationship and created unnecessary stress. I definitely will learn from this experience and go slower next time.

Edited November 1, 2013 by margaretjones865

[Valen]

@Valen: While I think there's some truth to this, I'm not sure if I would be into men who think like this anyway. In my opinion, if a man is more into a woman who makes him wait than a woman who doesn't make him wait, I think what transpires is that a man like that judges a woman based on her sexual value/worth (and thus, a woman who seems more hard to get sexually is more desirable) and doesn't consider her other qualities with as much significance. Personally, I'm pretty confident that I'm an interesting enough woman with depth and personality that a guy would want to learn more about. Of course, my personality might not be his cup of tea, and I'm fine with that -- and that could be a reason why he doesn't call back -- but a guy who discards a chance with me right away because I slept him early is exercising a double standard that wouldn't impress me.

 

With this guy I have been going on about in this thread, I feel we have developed enough comfort and rapport for me to be okay with sleeping with him at that point. May I also say I have not had regular sex for the last three years and simply wanted him? We talked about our sexual history and he knows I'm not a prude but not promiscuous either. I had 3 guys before him, so you could say I'm at an inquisitive stage in my sexual life at the moment. He shared that he had 12 or so women, and even consorted with prostitutes a couple of times. Now, in this scenario, I could be in a position to lose respect for him and not want to get to know him further, but I don't. I think an open-minded and understanding person would not judge someone too harshly based on their sexual history, they should try to understand and empathize.

 

What didn't work out for me, as I mentioned earlier, is that sleeping with him early created attachment and made me anxious about him reciprocating my interest. In that sense, I agree sleeping with him was unwise, because it really put pressure on the relationship and created unnecessary stress. I definitely will learn from this experience and go slower next time.

 

Sounds like you know what you are getting yourself into, that's good. You said that sleeping with him early created attachment, why do you think that is the case? Basically, sex can create an effect on the way we feel about a person. For you and most women, sex often make them more attach to the man. For men, ironically if sex comes easy, it creates less attachment. It's how the different sexes evolved that makes us respond this way. Males are evolved to spread their seeds so losing interest in one female early helps them move on to the next conquest. And for female, which are more selective, once they decide on a male to procreate with them, they become attach so that the male will protect them during pregnancy. Fortunately for humans, males can develop an attachment if he had to put in significant work to receive the prize (sex). In other words, taking it slower and making him work more, improves the odd he'll develop an attachment to you. But of course If all you are after is no string sex, then by all mean, have fun, no need to wait. And of course, human beings are complicated creatures and not every male thinks this way.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Valen

[wonderingwoman]

Eh, I am sorry to say, but giving him the goods too early was a mistake. And the discussion about fwb gave him every right to ignore you. You pretty much gave him an out and fwb don't have to report to each other. He now has the advantage to play games with you. He knows you are attached and can call upon you when he pleases, and his excuses for not contacting you will work. Be straight, tell him you don't want to play games. Tell him you like him, don't want to have sex again until you are in a good place (wait at least 3-6 months of consistent/frequent dating or until you meet the parents), and that if he wants to keep dating you he needs to make more of an effort otherwise your done. From my personal experience I would forget him and date someone else to clear your mind of him.

[wonderingwoman]

Listen to clia