its been about three years and yet...

[laidbackguy]

hi guys,

 

i am new to the forum. came down with quite a headache, didn't know what to make and decided that there may be something wrong with me spiritually, mentally. so i decided to go out and look for a forum where i could vent, learn how to effectively cope and deal with a personal relationship issue. why a forum? because the plain reading how to on the web just isn't the same as responsive feedback [iMO].

 

its been almost three or so years that my gf broke up with me. i took it hard the first year, tried coping with it the second and adjusted my thoughts and lifestyle this year. the thing is that i may have learned to accept what is and altered my way of thinking, my behavior, my goals in live, but its been almost three years and it feels like things arent looking up for me yet. went through 3 jobs, the first company downsized, one required me having to be in contact with my ex gf and the other i got fired from due to professional differences. for some reason, as it plays in my mind, i have this urge to surpass my ex gf in terms of progress. if it will make a difference or not on the long run to prove to her what she is missing out on, or what she had, it would somehow make me feel better/better than her. i have this drive to wanna be somebody and trying out so many new stuff, it might not work out too well in the end for me.

 

the reason for our breakup haunts and taunts me from time to time, not so much as during the first year. but its still there followed by the things we said to each other. from the beginning i tried seeing a shrink until my unemployment cut that short. i do have the occasional talk with a very close friend of mine whom i helped and stood my when her relationship hit rock-bottom. now that the tables turned, i find it difficult for me to adapt to my own advice and that of my friend's combined.

 

the bottom line is: its been almost three years and although the wound is not visible, the pain is. like a phantom illness. so i was hoping to reach out to people. just to reach out.

 

thanks ahead guys

[Mr Scorpio]

I think your thoughts and feelings are understandable. I can understand still looking back three years later, though hopefully you don't do it nearly as often as you used to. However, using your ex as motivation to achieve professional goals at this point may be misguided. Not because it is wrong to want to meet those professional goals and become a "better" person. Rather, because it would be unfortunate it you sacrified time and effort for a goal that was ultimately misplaced.

 

In the event that you do attain career title 'X', is it going to make your ex pine for you? I should hope not. It would speak poorly of her if it did. Assuming that it doesn't, where does that leave you? Will you feel fulfilled? Or still as though nothing is going your way?

 

I dare say it is time to assess what it is that you want, other than her.

[laidbackguy]

Thanks for adding your point of view Mr Scorpio. I got the same response when i discussed this a while back with my bff. It would appear that two strangers with the same pov cannot be wrong. Sometimes we just ned to be reminded of certain facts i guess. Surpassing my ex's social status would indeed not make quite an impact as i would hope. Especially becoming a better person, surely does not require her as the greatest motivator to do so. I admit to feeling down sometimes when the hard times hit, thinking that she may have been the best thing that ever happenend to me and it slipped past my fingers. Then again there are times whe it becomes obvious that whatever happens to me emotionally, comes down to my own thoughts instead of some external factor as the primary reason for my happiness or depression. Its a process

 

Thanks again

[HeartDesires]

laidbackguy,

 

I feel your pain, I truly do.

 

When my two and a half yr relationship ended it took me five years to get over him.

 

I sense you are trying to be the best person you can possibly be, and just remember we all heal at our own pace.