melissag Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Kids have not yet been told anything, but I think H will expect that we tell them soon. I have a couple of questions and concerns, hope someone will have some good insight or experience. My kids are 7 year old boy and 9 year old girl. (1) I have spent the vast majority of my time and energy since my kids were born trying to be a great Mom. (Perhaps contributing to the demise of my marriage, in retrospect.) Right now, I feel like a terrible Mom. I am so exhausted from lack of sleep and anxiety, and so on edge and in so much pain right now, that I am much less patient with them and not spending as much quality time with them as I should and I usually do. What is going to happen when we tell them, and they are hurting and need me more than ever? Am I going to push aside my own troubles and help them, or am I going to just totally fail them? I am really worried about this. (2) From everything I have read, the "right" way to tell the kids is to be calm and reassuring and place no blame. H wants this D. I do not. I have told a few friends and family, and I burst into tears and go into breakdown mode each time. How the hell am I going to be reassuring when I am an emotional wreck? Am I going to somehow find it in me to tell them without breaking down? What happens when I see their sweet innocent little faces and the hurt and confusion written all over them? How do I keep it together? (3) How did the timeframe work between telling them and the spouse moving out? Give them a chance to get used to it, or just drop the bomb and move out the next day? Is there really any good way to do this? How soon do they go visit Daddy in his new place? (4) How do you get rid of the guilt you feel over what you are doing to your children by getting a D? It is not my decision, and not what I want, but obviously I had my role in contributing to it. I feel like I have failed them. Ours is not a conflict-ridden house. It is happy. We have fun. The kids are doted on by both of us. They will not be relieved or better off. They will be stunned and feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them. They will be pissed, I am sure, and scared, and hurt. Somehow H has the story in his head that kids are resilient, they will be just fine! No worries about them. Well, I don't buy it. I think that's his way of telling himself it's OK to be selfish and go for the greener grass - everyone will be just fine! Sorry for that aside - back to the question - how do I stop feeling this awful guilt for what I am about to do to them? I am sure there is more. But let's start here. Thanks in advance for any insight.
Minnie09 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 The kids are resilient speech is bs. They're not resilient and they suffer. Be glad though that you have 2. They'll have each other as a support system. I only have one boy and when we D he was 5. I was devastated myself, because I had been through a lot of changes, abuse and cheating even though our son didn't know any of this. I always tried to keep him out of everything. Anyhow, I did keep it together when we told him. It was less than a week before h moved out. We sold him the idea of how great it is to have two houses and to have 100% quality time and undivided attention from one parent at a time. "You'll have mummy/daddy all to yourself....yadayada......and daddy will live close to a lake which is great for swimming in the summer.....you won't even need a car....just jump on your bike and go swimming....." Etc etc....that's how we did it - drama free and tear free.....emphasize the good aspects......things easy to grasp for kids like two rooms instead of only one, two neighborhoods and two sets of friends and so on........that worked for us......it's still not a joyride. And your kids are older so I don't know if they'll look right through the facade.....but keep positive and emphasize the easy-to-understand advantages that'll be involved for THEM when they have two homes 2
2sure Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I didn't have to deal directly with the questions you've asked, so I'm not going to pretend to stand in your shoes. But I think your questions have no answers that are easier or best, just what is possible and doable. It's a big painful change that effects everyone and always will. But it's the change that's hard, not necessarilly the future after the change. Crisis comes to all families, and how you set the tone for this will probably be important when crisis comes again in the future. I know that. I feel for you , I'm sorry this happening this way for you. Also, you sound capable.
UpwardForward Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Take one step at a time OP, and try not to jump too far ahead. Let them know you will always be there for them, and answer any questions honestly, simply/basically. In time, they will find out everything else. Edited October 14, 2013 by UpwardForward
Author melissag Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Thanks for the responses. Minnie, I agree with you that "kids are resilient" is BS. It's just a way for people to be selfish in a guilt-free way. I have considered asking my H if he would like to keep the house and we would take turns living in it, on the 2-2-5-5 schedule he proposed. Hmm. I bet not - I mean, why would he want to have to switch houses so often? Grrrr. I have also read that sometimes kids are relieved when their parents get divorced, but that is limited to highly conflicted homes. I'll have to think about what I can play up for them to make it sound cool. I imagine that if I say they get two houses, two this and two that, they will just say, but I like my ONE house. 2sure, thank you for your response and for the confidence. I am not sure I am capable of doing this, so it's good to know someone thinks so. UF . . . this is part of what I am struggling with. They are very observant and intuitive (esp. my 9 year old) and they ask a LOT of questions. I know that some of the questions should not be answered honestly, and some should, but there are some in the grey area where I'm not sure whether honesty is the best policy. I guess I will have to do my best. There just seem to be so many opportunities to scar them forever. I found several books on amazon that I plan to read and one for kids that looks really good. (It's American Girl but I think it will apply to my son, too.) I just can't believe I am doing this. SMH. 1
UpwardForward Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) UF . . . this is part of what I am struggling with. They are very observant and intuitive (esp. my 9 year old) and they ask a LOT of questions. I know that some of the questions should not be answered honestly, and some should, but there are some in the grey area where I'm not sure whether honesty is the best policy. I guess I will have to do my best. There just seem to be so many opportunities to scar them forever. I found several books on amazon that I plan to read and one for kids that looks really good. (It's American Girl but I think it will apply to my son, too.) I just can't believe I am doing this. SMH. Answer all questions honestly and simply, Melissaq. It's the only way - and it will turn out to be more respectful. Edited October 14, 2013 by UpwardForward
Author melissag Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Answer all questions honestly and simply, Melissaq. It's the only way - and it will turn out to be more respectful. What about, "Mommy, do you want to get a divorce?" or "Mommy, are you sad that Daddy left?" How about this one, "why did Daddy want to divorce you?" I don't want them to think that this was my idea or that I would ever choose to do this to them, but I don't want them to hate their Daddy.
UpwardForward Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 What about, "Mommy, do you want to get a divorce?" or "Mommy, are you sad that Daddy left?" How about this one, "why did Daddy want to divorce you?" I don't want them to think that this was my idea or that I would ever choose to do this to them, but I don't want them to hate their Daddy. Melissaq, I'm so sorry - don't have time to look up your story. So if I may, I'll assume your H is leaving you for another? Question 1: If you haven't initiated the divorce, say: No. Question 2: Perhaps you could say, I'm sad for all hurt this is causing. Question 3: Because daddy has chosen to live separately, but it has nothing to do with you. These are merely suggestions. It must come from your feelings.
Author melissag Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Melissaq, I'm so sorry - don't have time to look up your story. So if I may, I'll assume your H is leaving you for another? Question 1: If you haven't initiated the divorce, say: No. Question 2: Perhaps you could say, I'm sad for all hurt this is causing. Question 3: Because daddy has chosen to live separately, but it has nothing to do with you. These are merely suggestions. It must come from your feelings. H is leaving me, yes, but I am 99% certain not for another. Just for himself. (And I am sure there will be another soon enough.) Regardless. He wants it. I don't. Thanks for the input . . . I think that sounds reasonable. Just such a difficult line to walk, trying not to hurt them but also not lie to them.
UpwardForward Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 H is leaving me, yes, but I am 99% certain not for another. Just for himself. (And I am sure there will be another soon enough.) Regardless. He wants it. I don't. Thanks for the input . . . I think that sounds reasonable. Just such a difficult line to walk, trying not to hurt them but also not lie to them. This is just the beginning. Sometimes the children even challenge or blame the remaining parent - out of frustration. Just be basically honest with them.
GuyInLimbo Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 This keeping the house and splitting it is nonsense. What are you guys going to do, rent two other places, so you each have your own place? That's not realistic. I disagree with Melissa on point #3. That's indirectly placing the blame on daddy. As much as you hate him, I think it's better to say something along the lines that you agreed to live apart and follow with Minnie's excellent advice on highlighting all the positives for them.
Author melissag Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 This keeping the house and splitting it is nonsense. What are you guys going to do, rent two other places, so you each have your own place? That's not realistic. I disagree with Melissa on point #3. That's indirectly placing the blame on daddy. As much as you hate him, I think it's better to say something along the lines that you agreed to live apart and follow with Minnie's excellent advice on highlighting all the positives for them. No, I'm not suggesting that we actually keep the house and split it. I am just making the point that I am sure H would not be in the least bit thrilled about having to move to a new house every 2-5 days, and it irks me that he thinks it's OK to put that burden on his children. And I don't hate my H. If I did, things sure would be easier. No, I am the one who wants to make this M work, and I am reeling from his unilateral decision to D.
UpwardForward Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 This keeping the house and splitting it is nonsense. What are you guys going to do, rent two other places, so you each have your own place? That's not realistic. I disagree with Melissa on point #3. That's indirectly placing the blame on daddy. As much as you hate him, I think it's better to say something along the lines that you agreed to live apart and follow with Minnie's excellent advice on highlighting all the positives for them. Only If OP agreed with her H, that they should live apart.
IndecisionIsTorture Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Kids have not yet been told anything, but I think H will expect that we tell them soon. I have a couple of questions and concerns, hope someone will have some good insight or experience. My kids are 7 year old boy and 9 year old girl. (1) I have spent the vast majority of my time and energy since my kids were born trying to be a great Mom. (Perhaps contributing to the demise of my marriage, in retrospect.) Right now, I feel like a terrible Mom. I am so exhausted from lack of sleep and anxiety, and so on edge and in so much pain right now, that I am much less patient with them and not spending as much quality time with them as I should and I usually do. What is going to happen when we tell them, and they are hurting and need me more than ever? Am I going to push aside my own troubles and help them, or am I going to just totally fail them? I am really worried about this. You'll have to learn to compartmentalize. When they need you, they need you. Push your other emotions to the side for that moment and listen to them. Easier said than done, but doable. (2) From everything I have read, the "right" way to tell the kids is to be calm and reassuring and place no blame. H wants this D. I do not. I have told a few friends and family, and I burst into tears and go into breakdown mode each time. How the hell am I going to be reassuring when I am an emotional wreck? Am I going to somehow find it in me to tell them without breaking down? What happens when I see their sweet innocent little faces and the hurt and confusion written all over them? How do I keep it together? Practice. Put pictures of them in front of you and practice telling them in a calm and reassuring voice. Again, compartmentalize. Then at some point, after they are out of earshot, allow all that emotion to pour out of you. (3) How did the timeframe work between telling them and the spouse moving out? Give them a chance to get used to it, or just drop the bomb and move out the next day? Is there really any good way to do this? How soon do they go visit Daddy in his new place? I don't have any good advice for this. Maybe reach out to a local counselor who specializes in kids & divorce? (4) How do you get rid of the guilt you feel over what you are doing to your children by getting a D? It is not my decision, and not what I want, but obviously I had my role in contributing to it. I feel like I have failed them. Ours is not a conflict-ridden house. It is happy. We have fun. The kids are doted on by both of us. They will not be relieved or better off. They will be stunned and feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them. They will be pissed, I am sure, and scared, and hurt. Somehow H has the story in his head that kids are resilient, they will be just fine! No worries about them. Well, I don't buy it. I think that's his way of telling himself it's OK to be selfish and go for the greener grass - everyone will be just fine! Sorry for that aside - back to the question - how do I stop feeling this awful guilt for what I am about to do to them? I am sure there is more. But let's start here. Thanks in advance for any insight. For now you need to be calm, loving and reassuring for them. When they are older you can tell them the truth, when they can better understand it. I'm going to go against the grain here and agree that kids are resilient. That doesn't mean it won't suck for them in the short term, and like you said, they'll be scared, confused and angry. But over the longer term their resilience will be partly a factor of you and their dad help them manage through this. Again, I'm not saying resilience doesn't mean short term pain for them, but they will still grow up to be happy, well-adjusted, productive adults. As for getting rid of the guilt, a good therapist can help, but you need to start to view guilt as a wasted emotion. Guilt can cripple you if you let it. Try instead to focus on the special things you will be able to give your kids. One of the best things you can do is create some traditions. Going out for ice cream every Friday night. Renting a movie and all climbing under a big blanket with a giant bowl of popcorn. Go for a bike ride to breakfast every Sunday morning. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Traditions are stabilizing, predictable and bonding moments.
Author melissag Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Thanks for the great insight, guys. I was starting to feel a smidgeon better about my H (kind of getting in angry mode), but then I looked at a parenting plan checklist and it's just unbelievable how many things there are to consider. Each item I read stabbed me in the heart all over again - for myself and my kids. Since I have been a SAHM, I have made the vast majority of the day to day decisions and done the vast majority of the day to day care. It's so unfair that my H can just decide to take my kids away from me.
dienstag Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I just wanted to add in general - be honest and be yourself. Kids are smart and smarte thatn we think, they will know if you lie to them and pretend. Choose the time when you are ready to talk about the divorce yourself, without breaking into tears and being reasonable about it. Initially i told to my kids - i am sorry but i can not talk about it now, which was so true. When i was ready we just talked matter of fact about what is happening. Its tough but hey, thts life.
RightThere Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 What about, "Mommy, do you want to get a divorce?" If your answer is "no" it's OK to say that. But you can tell them that mom and dad just couldn't stay married anymore. "Mommy, are you sad that Daddy left?" If you are, then say "yes". Your kids will know that you are sad. "why did Daddy want to divorce you?" I would just tell them that mom and dad decided that this was for the best. I don't want them to think that this was my idea or that I would ever choose to do this to them, but I don't want them to hate their Daddy. Regardless of who wanted the divorce and who didn't, DO NOT try to pin it on the other spouse because you will just create resentment for your kids and your spouse. Kids are smart. At this age you do not want to manipulate them to "pick sides". It may cause them to hate their father today, but one day they'll likely be smarter than you and will realize what happened and come to resent you. At this stage, whoever chose divorce is irrelevant. It will be hard but you need to share the breakdown of the marriage equally in front of your kids and let them come to their own conclusions later on.
Eggplant Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 When my parents divorced, there was a grace period between the shock of the news and the actual moving out. Actually, they were separated 3 years... and during those 3 years they were on good terms and everything was fine. The part of having divorced parents that was/is awful is the pain you see them go through and are powerless to fight, and the horrible anger and bitterness. If you could miraculously get along, even after you both find others, that would stop 90% of the damage divorce does. This scenario never happens, though. It helped that my sister and I were reassured that our dad was divorcing our mom only, not the family. He was still there. She was still there.
todreaminblue Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I didnt keep it together, i tried to do it on my own eh walked out couldnt handle it, while i struggled to maintain composure..........didnt work,in retrospect if i was given time i would have been able to organize a better way to deal with it, i blame myself for this....what if i had done it this way syndrome have someone supportive there with you when you tell them, a close personal friend who the kids trust or a loved family member who knows the whole story....so if you do dissolve......they will continue with the line "you know this is not your fault, your mum is really upset and she loves you so much as does your dad.......that is why she is so upset right now.......if i had been given time to ease the kids into knowing we were splitting it would have been better all round....even with a neutral family therapy counsellor would be a help for the children..............if you lose it in front of the kids .......its detrimental....if you feel you need support organize this, it will i believe, make it easier for the children and ultimately a lot better for you...i wish you happiness and hope that it really is as pain free as possible..i know it wont be totally pain free...i dont know what else to say.....except to give you hugs...i feel for you...hugs from me to you......deb
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