Hard time being a step mom

[Karen75]

I cannot say that your situtaion or my situation is the better of the 2. All I can say is that step-parenting is not fun. And I think it is even less fun when you are a step MOM.

 

I feel like I am constantly being analyzed about how I interact with my sd and it drives me bonkers. I will do all the things I have to to take care of her but I just cannot bring myself to fawn all over her. I just can't do it. I do not look forward to a day at the park spending hours watching her go down the slide. I've got things to do! Mommy and Daddy laid down to make this baby, not me. I support my BF and I try to help him all that I can but I cannot try to do everything. I feel bad that he has to care for her alone on his weekends but that was his choice.

 

I am dreading as she gets older, that it will be a huge tug of war. I am fully aware that she is only 2 and I cannot look at her as another adult but it is less than enjoyable when she comes over and thinks she can go and do wahtever she wants and that everything in my house if hers... 75% of her speech consists of "no" and "mine". What I cannot change I try to ignore but I will not allow her to control my life. When I tell her no, I want her to stop doing what she's doing. I hate feeling like I need to tell her no and then watch her like a hawk so I can say no again. My BF allows her to do stuff I wouldn't just for the sheer entertainment value. She loves to play with my makeup. the brushes, etc, BUT I only want this happening if I say it is okay as it is MY stuff. Many a times I've walked into the bathroom and he will be sitting there with her as she runs my blush brush over her snotty nose. He says "It's okay, I'm right here with her." Sooo not the point. He tries to get me to see that "when you have kids you have to compromise." That's all well and good but I did not make this kid.

 

It's funny how I am expected to be a cargive and provider but I get NONE of the benefits of this child. I only have the responsiblity. I don't want it. I am basically a babysitter and that means that I do my best but I am not expected to RAISE this child.

 

Am I wrong?

 

K

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Karen75

I cannot say that your situtaion or my situation is the better of the 2. All I can say is that step-parenting is not fun. And I think it is even less fun when you are a step MOM.

 

I feel like I am constantly being analyzed about how I interact with my sd and it drives me bonkers. I will do all the things I have to to take care of her but I just cannot bring myself to fawn all over her. I just can't do it. I do not look forward to a day at the park spending hours watching her go down the slide. I've got things to do! Mommy and Daddy laid down to make this baby, not me. I support my BF and I try to help him all that I can but I cannot try to do everything. I feel bad that he has to care for her alone on his weekends but that was his choice.

 

I am dreading as she gets older, that it will be a huge tug of war. I am fully aware that she is only 2 and I cannot look at her as another adult but it is less than enjoyable when she comes over and thinks she can go and do wahtever she wants and that everything in my house if hers... 75% of her speech consists of "no" and "mine". What I cannot change I try to ignore but I will not allow her to control my life. When I tell her no, I want her to stop doing what she's doing. I hate feeling like I need to tell her no and then watch her like a hawk so I can say no again. My BF allows her to do stuff I wouldn't just for the sheer entertainment value. She loves to play with my makeup. the brushes, etc, BUT I only want this happening if I say it is okay as it is MY stuff. Many a times I've walked into the bathroom and he will be sitting there with her as she runs my blush brush over her snotty nose. He says "It's okay, I'm right here with her." Sooo not the point. He tries to get me to see that "when you have kids you have to compromise." That's all well and good but I did not make this kid.

 

It's funny how I am expected to be a cargive and provider but I get NONE of the benefits of this child. I only have the responsiblity. I don't want it. I am basically a babysitter and that means that I do my best but I am not expected to RAISE this child.

 

Am I wrong?

 

K

 

No, you are not wrong.

 

I wrote earlier in the thread, suggesting you bail out. I know that is not what you want to hear. But...

 

I've been where you are. The kid NEVER became as magical as her Dad was convinced she was. In fact she is now a HS dropout with a ratty attitude and a puzzled expression as to why the world doesn't give a sh*t....when she doesn't even want to give minimal effort.

 

I loved my husband at the time....thought I could endure those weekends. Well, my feelings toward my husband changed. The way he handled his daughter...letting her do whatever she wanted....expecting me to "take care of her" but never give direction or punishment....calling her "gifted" when she would wreak havoc. It got tired. QUICKLY. I also was not "allowed" to go anywhere without the kid on the weekends, even if he did!

 

This was just a symptom of how odd and controling and out of touch with reality my husband was.

 

It just got worse as the girl got older.

 

I left him and guess what? He didn't have her over for weekends very much. Wierd, huh?

 

Hey, I know my sitution is different than yours. It's just that I'm soooooo much happier now, not feeling like every other weekend I am in prison.

 

Oh, and by the way. I re-married a great guy with an 11 year old daughter. He pulled his weight as father. No it was not easy at the beginning. However, my step daughter is one of my best friends now.

 

Just give yourself a break. If this is too much, look for something better for you.

 

Even 2 year olds feel resentment.

 

I still think the ideal situation is for you to find a man with no kids, fall in love, and if you want 'em, have 'em.

 

Take care. If feel for you!

[Karen75]

It would be great if I could just turn off my feelings for my BF and move on and find someone else but the fact of the matter is that your heart gets involved and it will not let go. He is unlike any that I have ever met. He is awonderful man and he does not expect me to do everything for him and her. I help him out with things that I can/ want to do and he does the rest. NEVER has he expected me to care for her while he sits around. My interaction with her has always been by my choice. do I wish I didn;t have to deal with her at all, yes, of course. What it boils down to is that right now all the good that I have with him outweighs all the bad. Someday that might change but for right now he is my world. He is my best friend and I will not give that up with out a good, honest shot at making this work.

 

It's not that I am upset at your suggestion to just pull anchor and run but it is a little difficult to see your side when you are currently in another step-situation. I'm assuming that your current relationship was not all streamers and balloons at the begining, right? I honestly do appreciate all that you have said but you, most of all, should understand that it is not that easy to just walk away for what your heart needs or you would never have gotten involved with another man who had a kid. If my bf was a mediocre person then the decision to leave would be easier but the fact is that I have have a wonderful man and I want to be with him as long as I can still feel this way about him.

 

K

[ene]

I know this thread ended a few weeks ago but the original poster seems to be experiencing a similar situation to mine. I've been with my bf for a few months and we spend quite a lot of time together (when he doesn't have his son, he's at my place and when he does, I'm usually at his place). I'm finding myself torn as to what I should do about his son's behaviour and my bf's. His son is 4 and doesn't seem to have any boundaries applied to him by mom or dad and it is driving me nuts. He gets to stay up as much as he wants -- dad will tell him to go to bed but the son won't listen and dad doesn't force him to go (so he'll end up falling asleep way past us), he won't go to bed unless dad goes with him -- he seems to have a problem listening to people (grandparents and me included when he doesn't want to do something). Dad only puts his foot down when there's something the little one really needs to do (like get dressed to go out).

 

I don't want to tell the dad how to raise his child but I feel like I should have some input and that my input should really be taking into consideration. Not only am I dealing with all of this but like the previous poster, it seems like it's always about "him" (the son) -- We'll be in the livingroom relaxing for no less than 10 minutes and he suddenly feels "lonely" and takes dad away. Blah! I almost feel like I'm battling for dad's affection mostly because I don't feel we get ANY couple time when the little one is around and I really think this is detrimental to any relationship -- I remember that when I was young, when my sister and I went to bed, it was "mommy and daddy's time", well I don't get any of that. I end up emotionally exausted and drained. Is anyone else experiencing this?

 

Is this the way most 4 yr old's act? My coworkers have kids of various ages and they don't seem to have any real problems laying down rules.

[ene]

In addition to my previous post, I wanted to point out that I understand that dad only sees his son a few times a week and that this is their "time" but I can't help but feel that if we are to all have a future together (which we have already discussed), we need to make our relationships work together. The son and I get along very well and he actually seeks me out to play with him and likes to stay with me when dad has to run out and do something - we have fun giving him baths and doing other things-- I just feel like dad's attention is completely devoted to the son no matter if he is with us for half the weekend or 4 days. Dad wants me included in all activities and sometimes realizes that he's leaving me out emotionally and reacts by trying to be affectionate (the problem is I don't wnat this to be a reaction) -- should I just suck it up and deal with it? I'm not sure as to how I'm supposed to feel or react at this point. I don't want the son to see me as me trying to compete for dad's attention but at this point, it almost seems like dad doesn't know how to be with both of us at the same time and I'm not sure how to point this out as to not hurt his feelings or seem selfish.

 

Dad and I have talked about moving in together -- him and mom have to figure out living arrangements before we do but at the same time, I feel like we need to deal with these current issues before we do move in.

[prioritymail]

Hi there all!

 

I am a single mom, involved with a man that is divorced with 2 kids. We are in the process of starting to blend our families together, and this thread has really touched me. I have a bit of advice that I would like to add. I know that we are not yet living together, but in order to prepare for the issues that will inevitably come up (and I am aware that we could never anticipate all of them) I have been doing a lot of reading, and my boyfriend and I are both seeing family counselors. It has been tremendously helpful for all of us.

 

First and foremost, your relationship with you significant other needs to be rock solid. If the two of you are in a healthy relationship, complete with great communication, that is a terrific start. You need the reassurance that if you need to talk to him, especially about his child, that you can do that with minimal negative repercussions.

 

Please be aware that you will most likely not love your stepchild right away, and that really is okay. The key is acceptance. I do not agree that your boyfriend should let his child behave badly and not take your feelings into consideration. That is where the good communication comes in handy. It might be helpful to have a "meeting" of sorts once a week or so, when the child is not present, to discuss issues such as discipline, schedules, money...whatever is a potential issue in your situation. Your boyfriend really needs to know how his inconsistency with his child affects you, and that this could potentially be a dealbreaker for your relationship. If you don't discuss it, the resentment will definitely grow.

 

As for your relationship with your future stepdaughter, it is my belief (and yes, I know that no one asked me ) that as the adult in the relationship, it is primarily your (and your boyfriend's) responsibility to nurture the relationship with the child. Spend a little quality time with her. Try as hard as you can, even through the frustration, to see the good qualities that she has. Kids respond so well to love, and they instinctively know when someone cares for them, and when someone doesn't. I truly wish you the best of luck with your situation. It won't be easy, but I bet that it will be really rewarding. If you would like the name of some really good books that might help your situation, you are more than welcome to contact me.

[Karen75]

ene,

 

I am still reading this thread and I am sooo feeling your pain!

 

We had her this past weekend and she ruled the roost. My BF gets exhausted and I have to politely tell him that he would not be so exhausted if he was able to not allow himself to CONSTANTLY be a human jungle gym, entertainer, etc. when she is over. I remind myself that he does not see her all the time BUT I just cannot make myself get down on the floor with her and watch 'Baby Tarzan" all day so he can have a break. HE needs to make that balance. I don't want her to grow up thinking our house is the place to be entertained.

 

This weekend I was trying to get some hosue wrok done, etc, and he was getting so upset that I wasn't involved with them. first off, I HAD things to do, second, what does he expect me to do? Everytime I even go NEAR him she starts with "Daddy, play wiff me." so that means i just sit there and watch or play with myself. He wanted me to go to the park with them and I said "Why? So I can stand there adn cheer as she goes down the slide 67 times? Sorry, I just can't do that. We all went to Home Depot last night and the whole time he was trying to console her because she didn't want to be there. Ont he way there, he even wanted me to give him different directions so we wouldn't drive by the park so she wouldn't be upset that we weren't going there. I almost lost my mind. Why would we drive miles out of the way for that? Just tell her "Later, honey". It's like everything we do needs to be centered on her enjoyment and that if she is not bursting with glee EVERY moment, he thinks he's a bad father. and it is great now that she has moved into the demanding phase. Now, instead of asking for something she SCREAMS "I want MILK!!!!!" or "NOOOOOOOOOOOO nuh-nites!" she wasn't even like this 2 weeks ago.

 

Another thing that is getting out of control is him swearing in front of her. I say "Dammit" and I get a talk but he can say (to her) "Wow, that guy is an a**h***." or something equivalent. It's infuriating.

 

I try to explain to him that I am doing what I can right now. I do the cooking, laundry, baths, etc so he can get a break but when I am around both of them for too long, I don't like him. As soon as she is gone, he is back to himself and we are great but when she is there, I don't know who he is sometimes.

 

One other gripe I have. Sounds stupid but here you go... I do NOT want her on our bed. EVERYTIME she comes over, I am sick for the next week. She coughs right in our faces and rubs her snotty nose all over everything. I CERTAINLY don't want that directly on my pillow, where I have to lay my face!

 

OH, another thing. I was on the treadmill on Sunday and she came in to see what I was doing. He decides he needs to chage her cuz she REEEEKS. Well, doesn't he want to do it RIGHT THERE! I said "Um, could you change her downstairs?" He got so mad at me. Was it rediculous that I not have to finish my workout in a ****-stink soaked room?

 

I could go on and on. I feel like a horrible person sometime fo wanting to keep a step back when she is around but I just am not able to get all up on her right now. Maybe in time but right now, it needs to be about them...

 

K

[stepmomof2]

I am a step mother of 2. A 4 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. They are wonderful children......most of the time. I have the same problem with their father about not wanting to disipline the children when they are out of control. I MEAN OUT OF CONTROL.

 

My 4 year old has a very wide vocabulary and knows and understands monr then he thinks she does. She is his little princess though so in his eyes she can do no wrong or if she does, well, he makes excuses for her.( she doesnt really mean it or she doesnt know what shes doing or theyve been through a lot) I tryed to explain to him that someone needs to teach her how to treat people instead of the bribing. You cant give a child a treat for being bad and expect them to not do it again. AND since he has custody of the children, I have them all day everyday unless their biological mother calls and asks for them. Then I have no choice but to hand them over to dirty people and have to reteach them their manners and get them use to the regular rutine over again when they come back the next day.

 

And I do hear about what "Mommy" did and what "Mommy" said about me. I dont think its fair that I get to be the bad guy all the time because "they are to young to understand" I cant say anything bad about their mother and i dont know matter how disgusted i am with her, but i think i deserve a little bit more respect than someone who left her children outside in frezzing weather to go blow some guy for a few dolllars. So for me the advice about talking to her and letting them see that I do wont work for me. I refuse to say anything more than a simple HI or BYE to her.

 

I also have the same problem with the cartoons. They have their own TV in their rooms and have to have cartoons on all the time. Daddy doesnt want to hear them cry so he lets them watch cartoons all night, during nap and even when they are punished. This wont help them get over their mother leaving. I have tryed to explain to him.

 

I have had experience with children. I have been teaching preschool children for 7 years and I did have a daughter that died this past October. In all that time I have never seen that giving a child what they want all the time helps in any way. So I will not do it. I wont give in and my husband thinks I must not love his children because I wont. Id have to say this is coming between us and I dont know what to do about it anymore.

 

Im going to suggest me and my husband seek an outside person to talk to so its not just me trying to make him understand how frustrating it is to be in my position and not be respected.

 

Any other advice is gratefully appreciated!

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Karen75

ene,

 

I am still reading this thread and I am sooo feeling your pain!

 

We had her this past weekend and she ruled the roost. My BF gets exhausted and I have to politely tell him that he would not be so exhausted if he was able to not allow himself to CONSTANTLY be a human jungle gym, entertainer, etc. when she is over. I remind myself that he does not see her all the time BUT I just cannot make myself get down on the floor with her and watch 'Baby Tarzan" all day so he can have a break. HE needs to make that balance. I don't want her to grow up thinking our house is the place to be entertained.

 

This weekend I was trying to get some hosue wrok done, etc, and he was getting so upset that I wasn't involved with them. first off, I HAD things to do, second, what does he expect me to do? Everytime I even go NEAR him she starts with "Daddy, play wiff me." so that means i just sit there and watch or play with myself. He wanted me to go to the park with them and I said "Why? So I can stand there adn cheer as she goes down the slide 67 times? Sorry, I just can't do that. We all went to Home Depot last night and the whole time he was trying to console her because she didn't want to be there. Ont he way there, he even wanted me to give him different directions so we wouldn't drive by the park so she wouldn't be upset that we weren't going there. I almost lost my mind. Why would we drive miles out of the way for that? Just tell her "Later, honey". It's like everything we do needs to be centered on her enjoyment and that if she is not bursting with glee EVERY moment, he thinks he's a bad father. and it is great now that she has moved into the demanding phase. Now, instead of asking for something she SCREAMS "I want MILK!!!!!" or "NOOOOOOOOOOOO nuh-nites!" she wasn't even like this 2 weeks ago.

 

Another thing that is getting out of control is him swearing in front of her. I say "Dammit" and I get a talk but he can say (to her) "Wow, that guy is an a**h***." or something equivalent. It's infuriating.

 

I try to explain to him that I am doing what I can right now. I do the cooking, laundry, baths, etc so he can get a break but when I am around both of them for too long, I don't like him. As soon as she is gone, he is back to himself and we are great but when she is there, I don't know who he is sometimes.

 

One other gripe I have. Sounds stupid but here you go... I do NOT want her on our bed. EVERYTIME she comes over, I am sick for the next week. She coughs right in our faces and rubs her snotty nose all over everything. I CERTAINLY don't want that directly on my pillow, where I have to lay my face!

 

OH, another thing. I was on the treadmill on Sunday and she came in to see what I was doing. He decides he needs to chage her cuz she REEEEKS. Well, doesn't he want to do it RIGHT THERE! I said "Um, could you change her downstairs?" He got so mad at me. Was it rediculous that I not have to finish my workout in a ****-stink soaked room?

 

I could go on and on. I feel like a horrible person sometime fo wanting to keep a step back when she is around but I just am not able to get all up on her right now. Maybe in time but right now, it needs to be about them...

 

K

 

Okay...I'm the arsehole that was suggesting that you think about bailing.

 

You eventually asked me, why, if the first stepchild situation was so horrendous, that I married a man with a child.

 

Well, now that the thread is heating up again!!!....I'll tell you. I married my second husband because I loved him, and although I was suspect of his being a father...thus me being a "step-mother" again...I waited a few years before marrying him. I watched how he raised his daughter....I watched how he treated me when we three were together. I made sure that he wasn't going to a) dump her on me on the weekends while he did something else b) excuse her every shortcoming to stroke his own ego c) give me the power to discipline IF I was to be in charge d) expect each of us (me and my SD) to respect each other, my husband, our home and our property.

 

This situation could not compare to the fiasco of my first marriage. I was resentful and dreaded those visits from my stepdaughter. My first husband was a control freak that just wanted his child on weekends to piss the Mother off, but then, when he wasn't getting attention for having a cute kid, would dump her on me. It was a bad situation ESPECIALLY for that kid. I grew to be very unattracted to my first husband. You would be surprised at how much more you don't like your husband's child when he becomes unattractive to you.

 

Hey, look. If you want to work this out, good luck. I'm just giving you a different perspective.

 

I must tell you again though. Being a stepmother to my "2nd" stepdaughter has been pretty wonderful. It's because my husband is a better man than the jerk I married the first time.

[Karen75]

Elmo, I give you the biggest props for going into it again after that horrible experience of the first time. Personally, I don't think I could ever love another man like I do love this one so essentially I would NEVER date someone with kids again..

 

Our weekends are better in some respects and worse in other but we still get through. It's still a learning experience and we deal with it how we can. This man is the one. Hands down. He is the most caring, wonderful person I have ever met. If he was not this person I would NOT still be in this situation but he is so I am ..

 

It's just nice to talk abou this sometimes. Makes me feel better to purge myself of my feelings and to hear other stories!!

 

K

[Jlmic1]

I am totally with you... please PM me if you need to talk. Id love to talk to you about your situation as well as mine. It sounds as if they are EXACTLY the same.

[Karen75]

How do I PM you? There isn't a PM button under your post.

 

K

[Jlmic1]

I tried to PM you, but it wont let me turn on the PM thing... any idea how I can do it? if not, I'll just give you an instant message screen name if thats ok with you.. you can IM me at one of those...

[tiki]

You should be able to change it in your settings, you'll have to enable it.

[Jlmic1]

Thanks for the reply.. it is enabled so I cant figure out what's going on. Im usually pretty good with this kind of stuff. Im still working on trying to make the PMs work.. but I had to email LS... LOL.. I feel like an old woman

[lilmoma1973]

hey stressed mom,

speaking from expierence from being a stepmom it never gets any better.. you are always looked as being the WICKED STEPMOM!! nothing you do is every right and when you are looking out for the wealfare of the child you are told "you don't like them ." you hate them" if i was you leave before you have a child with this person and it gets worst!!

[Guinevere04]

Boy, I have a ton of feelings I want to share with you, but I am trying to figure out which would be the most important to you. I met my stepdaughter when she was 3. Now she is 11. When her dad and I had a good relationship, it was worth all of the hell her mother put us through and all of the times that I felt like a second-class citizen because I wasn't mommy and I really had no authority. The child you describe is being a typical 2 year old, I have one of those at home too. They will get away with ANYTHING that you let them. Your boyfriend just lets her get away with more because he feels bad about not seeing her much. My husand used to do the same thing. I don't think that her being a typical 2 year old is the problem, because that will get better (I hope so for my own sanity on that one!) what I wonder is, are you ready for this for your entire life?? because even if she grows out of the whiny stage, she will still be there every other weekend (or whatever) and he will still have to pay that child support and attend those school plays where you have to see the ex, and you always get shafted on Mother's Day because you aren't the mommy even though you have to play one 26 weekends out of the year. I am not trying to change your mind about your future, I just want to tell you that all of that didn't bother me as long as I loved my husband, it was worth it. But then it started to come between us. It took 7 1/2 years of going to court with his ex, losing our house because of her, her turning the child against us,etc, for me to realize that I had built up so much resentment and anger towards him because I felt like he let it all happen. Another mistake I made was trying too hard with the child. I became the designated entertainment, then daddy never wanted to do anything. I wouldn't trade all of the fun we had, but it made me too involved and now it hurts too bad that I am away from her. I have no complaints of my stepchild but even the best situation is extremely stressful.

 

I know that I have rambled but my point is, marriage (should be) forever and his child IS his forever. You have to decide if you are willing to stick it out. I know, with my two year old and being freshly single, anyone that considers dating me better get used to a stinky diaper because if I love them enough, I'll be around long enough to change their diapers when they need it.

 

Being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done, well maybe besides walking away from being a stepmother.

[lostgirl26]

I am reading all these posts, and it makes me emotional and I don't have any children nor do I have any step children. However I have to agree with Elmo, which sort of makes me sound like the bitch since I am not even in that situation. The problem I see though from an outsiders prospective is that "the fathers" not the children are the issue. If you cannot confront or talk to them about their children of which have been sort of heeve ho'd into your lives then I see no point in continuing the relationship. Its sounds horrible, awful and harsh and I am sure that I will get flamed for this, but none the less some of the negativity written in these posts has got to be conveying back on these children. If the fathers yell at you for trying to help and they are not listening it is a moot point. Matters of the heart are hard, but again you have to look at like what Elmo said earlier, why go through that kind of headache and frustration just because you love the fathers, love isn't everything and from this site being an example it doesn't always work. I am sure that you are all handling this the best that you can and it all seems very frustrating but, go back and reread your posts, notice the negativity in them. Do you really want to feel that way forever, do you really want that conveyed to the child? Because they see just as clearly as I do. Just my 2 cents as an outsider and observer.

[Jlmic1]

Lilmomma, I would love to talk to you about your situation as well as mine. Im not allowed to PM yet, for whatever reason they wont let me do it yet. I'd like some tips and to know how you deal with certain situations. I am so stressed out being a step mom and with everything that goes with it. I just dont know what to do Im fairly new at this...

[herbalyyys]

hi.I am a mom of three.All are under the age of five, and all are home ALL the time!! It NEVER ENDS!!.My youngest will be two in two weeks, so I DO know what you are going thru.well even if it is just your boyfriend, you are in a long term relationship.Or at least in a position he if comfortable with his daughter.So You have to have faith in yourself as a MATURE adult.She is only two, and they are easily distracted at that age.

 

For the cartoons on all the time...get one of those wind up timers and set it for a 1/2 hour or 25 mins(for most cartoons).Start telling her that when the timer goes rings, the tv has to go OFF! Then set timer again & tell her when it rings she can watch another show.then you start making the timer go for like an hour of no tv(or YOUR turn!!) and then she can have a 1/2 hour.So over a few weekends, you canwean her off the boob tube.

 

The CATCH is that you HAVE to occupy her in the off time...set her up with her own Color Wonder Crayola markers(they only mark on its own paper)They are pricey, but SSSOOOO worth it! do crayons & color WITH her.let her stir pudding mix in the tub-then you can turn it into bath time fun. Let her shred lettuce in a bowl for a lunch snack-they tend to eat stuff if they make it.Put peanut butter and raisins and roll up lettuce wraps for her.When its nap time ask her to hold your hand and you will go nappy time WITH her.That sort of stuff. When she gets GUIDANCE from you, it will be so much easier and yeah its a pain in the ass to have to drop everything for her,but then youll be able to do stuff like computer, & shell be comfy to color beside you.And the yelling will stop.And BF will see harmony or your effort and stand BY you instead of defensive.

[Wren]

Originally posted by prioritymail

 

 

First and foremost, your relationship with you significant other needs to be rock solid. If the two of you are in a healthy relationship, complete with great communication, that is a terrific start. You need the reassurance that if you need to talk to him, especially about his child, that you can do that with minimal negative repercussions.

 

Please be aware that you will most likely not love your stepchild right away, and that really is okay. The key is acceptance.

 

Yup, yup, yup. Big bobble-headed nod from me. If the two of you don't have your **** together, there's no way you can blend two families. I am a step mother of an eight year old boy. I have a six year old daughter and my husband and I have been married for two years. Let me just say that I do not, nor will I ever love my stepson as much as I love my daughter. And I'm slowly, but surely letting go of that guilt. Guilt will drive you insane. You can love your stepchild, but not always like them, if that makes any sense. Mothers especially, have added pressure to be stellar stepparents because we're most often the emotional caregivers. I will not gush and smooch all over my stepson like I do my daughter. I will not rock him before bed at night like I do my daughter. I will not cuddle him for long periods of time like I do my daughter. This may sound cruel, but I do not want to and if I do things simply because somebody else wants me to or out of force-driven guilt, then I will be very unhappy. I am a happier mother when I give him the essential care with kisses and hugs thrown in a couple times a day. He has a biological mother who can give him the things I give my daughter. He is not my emotional responsibility.

 

Blended families do not equal perfectly happy nuclear families. There are issues you must throw on the table and simply face. If you, as a stepparent, are always resenting having to give your stepchildren everything you give your own children, that resentment will grow into an ugly monster that will someday blow. You are not superwoman, just a mom trying to do the right thing.

 

To all stepmoms out there, relax and let go of guilt. Do what you can for your stepchildren, but never lose your own happiness and satisfaction in the process. We did not bring these children into the world, the responsibility of loving them is not on our shoulders alone.

[lilmoma1973]

hey wren,

i totally disagree with you.. you came into the relationship knowing he had a child and you should love your stepchild like they were yours .. my h has his son full time he lives with us 24/7 and i feel that it is my duty to show him the same love that i show my daughter.. i love my ss like he was my own .. i just want respect from him and im going to get it!! i do whatever i can for my ss within reason so i do not agree with what you are saying.. i do not hate my ss at all .. i just think he never has been shown what real responsibilty by h because he feels guilty for him not having his mom and dad and lets him get by with alot.. he will let ss mouth him .. i don't play that ..

[Wren]

I'm slightly confused with your reply. You said "speaking from expierence from being a stepmom it never gets any better.. you are always looked as being the WICKED STEPMOM!! nothing you do is every right and when you are looking out for the wealfare of the child you are told "you don't like them ." you hate them" if i was you leave before you have a child with this person and it gets worst!!"

 

You sound really happy, don't ya? Sounds like you need to take a couple steps back and do what I do. Stop giving so much emotionally. It's unreasonable and unrealistic for a mother to be expected to love another child as if it were biologically hers 24/7. It's even more unrealistic when that mother has her own biological children to love and care for.

 

It has nothing to do with "hating" a child, it has everything to do with loving them. I love my stepson more when I don't feel obligated to. I give him what I can, and it's more than his own mother provides for him. I get him dressed, fed, read to, kissed/hugged during the day and help with homework. I don't and can't give him, however, the same constant emotional warmth I give my daughter. I didn't carry him for nine months, I don't have that strong maternal bond with him and it's not my fault that his own mother doesn't want him.

 

You said "you came into the relationship knowing he had a child and you should love your stepchild like they were yours". Wrong. That's where the problem exists. As mothers, we fight this constant guilt because we see messages everywhere telling us we should love them "just like they were ours". That's just not realistic. If they're not "ours", then where does that bond needed to love them so strongly come from? I will say that being with the child helps to develop a bond, but it won't ever be just like the bond you have with your own children. It won't ever be the same and we need to stop beating ourselves up over it. We can love them as best we can.

 

Now, you don't need to go around touting "I love A more than I love you". But, to make that realization that you're only human and your bond with your own children can not be replicated would relieve so many mothers of needless guilt and resentment. It's not abusive or hateful to understand you love your children differently.

[lilmoma1973]

hey wren,

i am sorry you feel this way about your stepchild.. i have been with my ss since he was 2 and i do not love my daughter more than him.. he was with till he was nine then she came along .. i love them both the same no more and no less.. i think of him like my own and because his mom doesn't care for him too much makes me love him even more and want him to go far in life!! i totally disagree with you on how you feel .. you feel the way you want but as for me i feel way different than you.. yes i do feel like i am the wicked step mom at times and h does say i hate him but that isn't the case .. i knew what i was getting into and it has been hard.. ss isn't a bad kid just doesn't have any respect for any adult what so ever.. he doesn't want authority from anybody... but just because your child is bad you don't hate them.. so i don't hate him at all and i will do whatever he wants just as the same as my daughter..i think he needs more responsibility and rules but all in all he is a good kid well a 14 yr old just mouthy and i don't take that !! thats the only problem i have with him.. he calls his mom stupid and tells her to shut up but he will not do those things to me cause i don't take that .. i guess that is just parenting and i have that right because i have been his life more than his mom!!

[Karen75]

We had another 'great' weekend at our house..

 

I have tried to step back and withdraw myself from the situation jsut to keep my sanity and my BF gets mad that he is so strung out by her visits. Part of the problem is that he allows himself to be the jungle gym fro her 24 hours a day whens he is with us. He gives in to whatever she wants, anytime she wants and then he is stressed that he is going ang going and going. I've given up on telling him that he is creatinghis own madness by constantly entertaining her. It's gotten to the point that he takes no time to even eat when she is there and she just CANNOT play on her own when he is awake. When it is her and I she will play by herself or do her own thing but she has learned that daddy will do all the work of playing for her so why bother doing it herself. He will make all the noise, make all the toys move, etc. It's exhausting for me to watch. Also becasue of this we do not get ANY time to just sit and talk for a minute whens he is there. Yes, these weekends are about her but I am just talkin aobut 'so what are we going to do today?" kind of conversations. As soon as I open my mouth all you can hear is "daaaaaaaaddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Play cookin' with me!" and if he says "hold on a sec." She says "NO HOLD ON!!! Play cookin!!!!!!!" He is so afraid she will not love him that he will not say that she shouldn't talk when people are talking or make her wait. Personally, I think she is starting to get jealous. She wants his EVERY MINUTE and if he keeps letting her think that it will be that way, we are doomed. When we need to talk there is not reason that we either ned to do it over her yeeling or over her crying. That is just a respect thing that kids need to learn, I think.

 

Yesterday I ahd an apple. I offered her a bite then she didn't want to give it back. I took it back, took a bite and then sat there while she tried to grab it back. She KNOWS how to ask so I refused to give it back because she was demanding it. I said "What do you say?" She just threw herself down and screamed. I do NOT respond to that so I just left the room. My BF would have just given her the apple and that makes me so upset. I sometimes picture the future and she will be so spoiled with us. Makes me sad, angry, confused and scared.

 

What it boils down to is that I don't hate my SD but I do NOT like who she is when she is with us. Not one bit. I also don't like my BF when she is with us. He turns into a different person. He is very snippy nad unapproachable. He gets so overwhelmed and gets uspet with me. I just keep telling myself "She is not my daughter and not my responsibility." I did not give birth to her so that means that I am not required to take care of her and entertain her. I can do it is I WANT to, not because I have to. I do all the cooking, laundry, etc. All he has to do it be with her. I say that's a pretty good deal considering it is THEM who need to be together..

 

K