Nvsx7 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Hello, so I need help dealing with a breakup. She left for college and we got through the first year. Her second year started and I could see a change in how she acted. When I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me she responded with "why can't you trust me?" So me being stupid I did. But we went on a break to try and rekindle our love from what we had. She lied to me about talking to a ex. But I let it go cause she was more important then that. I woke up yesterday morning feeling sick and I didn't know why. She texted me saying she really likes this guy from work. I told her if that's what she really wants then so be it. Reality I'm heart broken. I tried going though the day but I was just devastated. I tried calling her last night and she said that we have just got too distant and she likes him and there is nothing I could do. Anyone have any advice they could maybe give to get over or attempt to win her back ..?
sambo77 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Sorry this is happening to you. Here's what I'd tell you from personal experience of this sort of situation. Funny how as I'm writing this I am shocked at how I am not seeing my own situation so clearly. (1) Ignore the stuff about you guys getting too distant. In my experience, when they have found a secure vine to grab onto with the other hand they will latch onto any minor flaws in the relationship to justify letting go of the old vine. When they're in, the flaws are either invisible or so etching to work on, when they're out, the flaws are a nice way for them to justify their exit. Self serving, nothing more. (2) If she feels it for another guy...she's gone. The times this has happened to me: (a) First time she left for him, she treated me like **** and would have gone off with him...but he went back to his ex...then she crawled back, (b) second time, with my WIFE, she left for him and never looked back, is still with him. If you have mafia connections then his mysterious disappearance could be arranged and she might come crawling back. If not, this situation is 100% out of your control. You have to move on and show her you're big enough to accept this...even if you're crushed behind the scenes. I know it sucks, I'm there with you... You don't have mafia connections by any chance, do you? 2
im_thedude Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I agree with the above post. My ex and I were together for three years. Toward the end of our relationship she started making a lot of friends online - tumblr, Xbox, Instagram, all those stupid platforms. And they were all guys. It worried me and made me jealous and the same line from her was always, "you don't trust me. They're just friends. I just want to be myself." She dumped me and within two weeks was openly flirting with one of these "friends" she made online. It's been tough having to tell myself throughout every single day how she left me for another man, essentially. But it's something I just have to accept - there is no epilogue. Her leaving you wasn't the end of some chapter. She closed the entire book on you. That's the only way you can see it, for your sake. Accept it and move on. We'll be here. 1
Mcscooter Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Your best attempt to win her back is getting over her. Treat her as if she was dead. Initiating No Contact is what I recommend. NC is used to heal over time. Also to re-evaluate your life without her. Hurts like Hell don't it. When I mean NC. I mean cut yourself from her life. No begging, pleading, or any sign that you existed to her. Bringing yourself to her will only want her to push you away. Meaning you'll lose that chance. So take no risk and remove yourself from her aspects. Mean while being single. start doing productive things as working out, going out with friends, take a walk in the park. There's a lot of things you can do, just think of all the things you always wanted to do. Your going to think about her a lot, but over time you will start phasing her out. Right now just let it all out, write a poem or something. As days go by start relearning how to live and get back to your normal self. Loves a f*cking mythical beast. It's crazy the things it'll do to a person. 3
Author Nvsx7 Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks for the advice everyone. I do work out everyday. And I work a decent amount since I finished college with a associates degree. I unfollowed her from twitter and IG and deleted all pictures of us. I have this small feeling in my head that she will realize what she did. But the rest of me is just so torn that another guy could take her away. I'm really beating myself up over it. And as for the mob. My last name is Italian dating back from Italy in ww1 so it's possible hahaha. Anyways, I really appreciate the advice. And knowing that random people In the world actually want to help me shows that there is some good left.
Turnandcough Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Sorry this is happening dude. My ex left me and slept with a guy the day after she told me she still loved me. It can happen yes, but it's made me take a step back and look at her for who she really is now. Not qualities I want in a girlfriend. I'm at about 4 weeks Nc and it has gotten a ton easier! Even after hearing that she lied about a lot of things and ended up sleeping with this d bag. Your ex isn't your problem anymore, enjoy this time and go be single. You don't have to look over your shoulder anymore because everything happens for a reason and I believe everyone's path is set already. If it's meant to be then let her tell you tht. For not give up and tell yourself, "Hey, it was a great time, I learned a lot." Wish her luck in your head and forget her. One thing I would recommend highly is to not crack out her social media. You will think post are about you and you'll over analyze everything. If you loved her, then love her enough to let her go. I know I want my ex to be happy and this is what she wants. She is newly 21 and wants to party. I don't blame her! Sleeping around after one day though..... That sealed the deal in my heart.
h0000 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 as a girl..I can say for myself that if my feelings shift to someone else im never going back. even if my new relationship doesnt work out, i wont go back to any ex. in an unrelated note..is it true for guys too? 1
Emma1234 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I think it depends on the person. I have had feelings shift and then return during a break up. Just depends on whether it's meant to be. You sound to be doing really well but keep up with the no contact. Don't do it for her, do it for you. As a girl no contact would be the only thing that would make me doubt my decision but then again if I had someone else to focus on... It's a tricky one. At the end of the day she's going to have to grieve your relationship at some point. You'll get it over and done with now whilst she's rebounding. Took me 2 years and a 2 year relationship to end for me to grieve my 1st 2 year relationship. So it does happen eventually. Stay strong. Complete no contact. Keep busy no matter what. Don't give in.
Author Nvsx7 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Thanks again everyone. Last night was really tough for obvious reason. I couldn't get out of my head that it was just so easy for someone to say "well I really like him" so this has been going on behind my back for quite some time. But I have a odd feeling she is going to text me this week. What should I say ? Or should I not respond ?
learman3 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Sorry about the break up. If you really like this girl try and remain friends with her. You are both young and one never knows what will happen as time passes by. Reply back, nothing is gained by ignoring her. best of luck.
Fufu Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 She has a change of heart and told you very honestly she likes someone else now. I know this pains lots especially when both of you were together for years. I don't see the point in maintaining contact especially she has already said that there's nothing you can do about it.
KCCK Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 she gave up on you and the relationship... there is nothing more left and keeping contact with her will do you no good and will make u feel worse... just keep NC and focus on yourself.. you are the main priority now... cut off all ties from her and dont think about her anymore because you are not yet ready to face the truth of knowing what is happening in her new life... keep her away from your life and focus on more important things.. Your own Future...
Chi townD Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Thanks again everyone. Last night was really tough for obvious reason. I couldn't get out of my head that it was just so easy for someone to say "well I really like him" so this has been going on behind my back for quite some time. But I have a odd feeling she is going to text me this week. What should I say ? Or should I not respond ? Do NOT respond to anything she sends, IF she sends anything at all. If she does, I guarantee you it will be along the lines of, "Hey, just thinking about you and wondering if you're okay." This is breadcrumbs, it's not that she's interested in you or coming back, it's because she knows she hurt you deeply and she feels guilty. She wants you to ease her guilt, nothing more. She could really give a damn about how YOU actually feel, she just looking for you to let her know that you are actually fine so she can forgive herself. Let her hold on to that guilt, let her learn from it. Let her know that what she did to you was pretty crappy. Because, you don't throw 2 years away for someone "You really like" Therefore, let it be know that she was cheating on you. She didn't cut you loose until she was positive that this other dude was ready to really start a relationship with her. She was emotionally invested in this other dude (therefore, that's cheating). So, SHE made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her EXACTLY that. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all! You're not going to "win her back" The only thing that you would do is end up in her friend zone. Which is exactly what she wants. Then, she can say to herself, "Oh look! We broke up and we're still really good friends! I guess the break up was meant to be afterall!" So, go completely dark on her! Ignore all texts and let all calls go to voicemail. DO NOT RESPEOND! Post about it here instead. And the MOST important thing you need to do is BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! You know she left you for some other guy, so she has no reason to hide it! She'll start posting pics of her and this dude together. Hell, wouldn't surprise me if those two are her new profile pic! Then, you'll see them responding to each others status updates.......you don't need to see that crap. SO, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!!! Edited October 14, 2013 by Chi townD
Author Nvsx7 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 So this might be crazy. But I have thought about it a lot. She says that I have up on the relationship. So do you think of I showed up to her housework a acoustic guitar and played our song. She'd realize why she fell in love with me in the first place ? It's a long shot but I can't give up that easy. It's not in me to give up
Chi townD Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Did you even read what I wrote? Dude, you have to learn that when a woman makes up her mind about something, she's set, and it damn near takes an act of Congress or even an act of God to get them to change their mind. Because women are NEVER wrong. They might be mistaken, but NEVER wrong. If you playing guitar and singing her "your" song, you're only going to come across as desperate in her eyes and then she's going to start to pity you. Do you need her pity? There are seven billion people on this planet and a lot of them are girls! And you're hung up on one that will throw you to the curb over someone she was cheating on you with! Dude, you're not giving up, you're moving on. Moving on to find a girl that would never do something like that to you. 1
Stealth3 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 My ex left me 3 days after she told me she really likes me. In those 3 days, she met another guy and started talking to him. She needed time to date him so she dumped me and went straight after him only to be rejected due to age difference. Afterwords she convinced herself that she was unhappy with me the whole time and wanted to break up for a long time even though her actions didnt show that until she met someone else. I dont think she will come back, she knows she ****ed up, but she did cry a lot the last time we spoke.
organizedchaos Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 So this might be crazy. But I have thought about it a lot. She says that I have up on the relationship. So do you think of I showed up to her housework a acoustic guitar and played our song. She'd realize why she fell in love with me in the first place ? It's a long shot but I can't give up that easy. It's not in me to give up No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1
sambo77 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Buddy...I wouldn't recommend the acoustic guitar stunt. I'd bet my house (if I owned one) that it wouldn't play out as it plays out in your head. Us dumpees have a habit of skewing the outcome when we create possible courses of action in our heads...funny that. In my head...the phone call I have been fantasising about to my ex involves me being cool, calm, and collected, telling her like a man that I appreciate we needed space...but I still love her, want her back, and want to meet up. I can make that happen...but it's the next bit that'll probably backfire 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I know it's hard and you feel like you have to "fight" for her but doing so will only make it worse between you two. When I had emotionally moved on from one of my exes there was nothing worse than hearing and seeing his desperate attempts to get me back. At first I felt bad... then guilty then it turned to anger and finally indifference. There was nothing he could do to change my mind and he was killing any hope of a future friendship with his antics. I blocked his phone number and emails outright when he wouldn't stop contacting me. Years later we've become friends...though it took a long time and both of us had moved on and matured. REMEMBER: If she wanted you now she would not have left. If she wants you back, she will come back and it will be crystal clear. Right now, she does not want you and nothing you can say or do will change her mind. Maintain your dignity and focus on accepting what has happened. This is the only way you will heal.
fancy feast Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 A guitar stunt won't work. Rom com stuff doesn't work, it will not go well. Use all that time to do stuff you enjoy.
im_thedude Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) So this might be crazy. But I have thought about it a lot. She says that I have up on the relationship. So do you think of I showed up to her housework a acoustic guitar and played our song. She'd realize why she fell in love with me in the first place ? It's a long shot but I can't give up that easy. It's not in me to give up Three weeks after my ex girlfriend broke up with me, I drove to her house - with a boombox - to try and play "Kickstart My Heart" by Motley Crue. My ex loved 80s hair metal. I was purposely trying to be cheesy because I also knew my ex loved cheesy 80s movies. So I rolled up to her house and dialed her number. She didn't pick up. I dialed again, and again, until she finally picked up, terrified that I would hurt her. Her dad came gunning his SUV up the street moments later. I never even got to see her. She didn't come out of the house, look out a window... anything. She thought I was going to go postal on her and I couldn't for the life of me understand how she could assume that knowing how mild-mannered I've always been. I thought with such certainty that she would melt at the mere sight of me. Reality is, I've not seen her since the day she broke up with me. Life isn't like those movies you cuddle up next to someone with and laugh over. It was a terrible idea in hindsight and all I could do is smile thinking about how big of a disaster it was. Edited October 15, 2013 by im_thedude 1
Author Nvsx7 Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 You guys are right. I am just so weak right now. She is all I think about. All the great times and everything. I'm just beating myself up over it. But her number is deleted and everything I have of her is gone. I just have to find a way to sleep at night cause all I have are nightmares and I'm losing serious amount of sleep over it. It's 7:24 am eastern time and I got two hours of sleep. Sorry I sound like such a bitch right now. But it's just true.
Author Nvsx7 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 So... I broke no contact and for one reason only. I got a call from my doctor and I am having surgery. He told me the worst is 50/50 of me living. I don't know what to do at this point. This is the only girl I Love and if I don't make it, I need her to know. She said she will text me tonight with a time to talk. I feel so stressed out and have no idea what to do. If I live and I make it past this, best believe I will be the stronger for all this
Criticality Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 HOLY ****! May I ask what surgery it is? And have you really thought this out? I mean the surgery business is really not the ex's business anymore. What do you want her to do? I wouldn't be surprised if she just checked out 100% cause the whole situation with your surgery is too messed up and complicated for her to deal with...
Recommended Posts