What am I not getting here?

[elle_baby]

Sorry this is so long winded....My boyfriend of 5 months has steadily become more and more reclusive. We remain wanting the same life goals in family etc. and though there is an age difference, he is 8 years younger than me, his upbringing has made him older than most his age and it seemed a non-issue. Fast forward 3 months and he is now in school full time which I truly support, but he works full time, lives an hour away from work/me and though he owns his home and has some stability financially he is supporting his formerly estranged father and stepmother. His father is very sick with cancer and he has both now living with him. On my end I have a child. Life seems to be getting in the way for lack of a better explanation. For the time being we do work in the same building and as a result can spend a little bit of time during the day each day talking there. He's not a phone person...and so apart from work the only other communication is by text now. His weekends are spent doing homework, caring for his father, running errands and home repair. I don't even see him because he's too busy. We have talked about breaking up due to the lack of time but it seems he doesn't want to walk away from this although he clearly...does not have a lot of time to invest in this. His constant reply on this is we'll take it one day at a time and he's here because he wants to be.

 

I get he's busy...or at least I think he does but I find myself constantly wanting and asking for more time because I feel like this entire relationship is happening at work in a hallway (where we talk) or over text. He used to come over once a week and now we are getting into going 2-3 weeks before we have an evening outside of the above.

 

Add to all this a difficult child that has him admitted to coping with abandonment issues,, a tendency to cave off and become reclusive, he rarely talks about his feelings coupled with my having a daughter that we said we did not want to introduce to him or vice versa until this became more long term which basically means further reduction on time and...

 

I'm just wondering is this a lost cause. I have a hard time leaving, he must be here for a reason but he has no time it seems and he doesn't seem to know how to fix that. I wonder if there is so little time to invest in a relationship if it can survive.

 

Is there something I can do to make this better? I'm trying to be understanding but clearly I'm not.

[pyramid]

Sometimes, it's just bad timing. You are definitely being understanding, but that doesn't have to mean that you should sacrifice your needs indefinitely. But 5 months is a tough spot... I feel for you.

 

What it comes down to is: don't stay just because he doesn't want to end it. Stay if YOU see it going somewhere regardless of all this mess. The fact of the matter is that he doesn't have time for you right now, and that isn't going to change anytime soon. How are you going to build a relationship that way?

 

If it were me, I'd say that I think it would be best to be friends for now. You clearly care about him and don't want to abandon him, but you can support him as a friend.

[salparadise]

Add to all this a difficult child that has him admitted to coping with abandonment issues,, a tendency to cave off and become reclusive, he rarely talks about his feelings...

 

Not sure if you're saying he's the difficult child or that he has a difficult child, but it seems like you're saying he's the one with abandonment issues, withdrawing and not talking about his feelings - is that correct?

 

I'm just wondering is this a lost cause. I have a hard time leaving, he must be here for a reason but he has no time it seems and he doesn't seem to know how to fix that. I wonder if there is so little time to invest in a relationship if it can survive.

 

Is there something I can do to make this better? I'm trying to be understanding but clearly I'm not.

 

If he has the issues as you described above, then it's likely that he's using busyness as a way to maintain a comfortable distance and prevent the relationship from progressing. Fear of abandonment is not something that exists exclusive of other issues. It goes hand-in-hand with fear of intimacy, and the ability to be open and emotionally available. One of the strategies for controlling this fear is to not let anyone get close enough to hurt you, which of course you have to be willing to do in order to have a real relationship.

 

I can't imagine someone who really wants to invest in a relationship to not be able to set aside even one evening a week. Going 2-3 weeks between seeing each other outside of work due to a myriad of other priorities simply means this relationship is low priority, which is not exactly the same as him not caring about you. He probably does care, but just wants to keep a comfortable distance in order to avoid those uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability.

 

This wouldn't work for me at all, and probably not for most people. Even if you gave him an ultimatum and forced him to take you out once a week, you've still got a man who is essentially trying to escape the very thing you want him to be pursuing enthusiastically. Assuming the basic premise is true, I think you're spending way too much time on the back burner when you could be living life with gusto.

[hogwild]

Either you two love each other or you don't.

 

If you love him be patient.

 

At the same time, he must show he loves you with his actions.

 

He must be feeling incredible stress and depression.

 

Say, "Sweetheart, I'm so proud of you for taking care of your family while working hard on your career by going to school while continuing to work. I respect you so much for that. Is there anything I can do to support you?

 

"I don't want you to feel like I'm a burden. I want to help in any way I can. I want our relationship to be a source of pleasure for you.

 

"If you like, I can come over to your place to cook dinner and then I can help you study. Or you can come to my place for a few hours for a study break movie and cuddling."

 

Before giving up, try to be loving. Give him every opportunity to accept your love. Tell him ways he can show YOU love that will actually make him feel better and calm.

 

If he's stressed try massaging him. Then ask that he return the favor. Kiss, hug, be each others' pleasure.

 

After that if he still can't/won't make time for the relationship, then yeah, it's bad timing or he's just not committed enough to the relationship to allow it to blossom.

 

This is certainly a trying time for both of you. The only thing that will save your relationship is love and patience by the BOTH of you. You go first. See if he can do the same for you.

 

You need to emphasize with your words and actions that this relationship is not "another thing he has to do" but it's his release and reward for working hard. If he avoids you he'll lose you. Don't be on his checklist of things to do, be a part of his current life.

 

Run the errands with him and make him laugh. Help him with the home repair. Seeing this love from you should break down any emotional walls he's putting up. (Not the actual home walls unless you're really screwing up his home repair!)