Do I let Go And just Give up? Please help.

[randymac]

I'm new here so here's the lowdown. I am 32 my wife is 27. We were together for 8 years married for 2. In April of this year i had a one night stand with this girl I worked with at a bar. I had a bad alcohol problem and feel this has been a major contributer to the problems in the relationship for the past 8 years. When my wife found out about this she asked me to leave and I have not been back since. I have been sober for 8 months, got a new job, bought a new car, and have a whole new outlook and perspective on the things I should have done in the mariage.

She refuses to talk to me anymore and contact has been very limited (5 phone calls in the last 4 months).She has not filed for divorce but says she will wait the required year seperation and file then. She says she wont go to marriage councilling because she says she doesn't know if she'll be able to walk away from me.

 

The point is this, I take full responsibility for the awefull things I have done. I will never make excuses for them or ever try to justify them. I am not a person who ever thought I would cheat and still can't believe that I did what I did. I have tried everything I could possibly try to help her and our marriage through this, she simply refuses. She listens to her friends and father and thats who makes up her mind.

Just last week after a week-end with her parents, she called and argued with me on the phone and said it was over for good and really flew off the handle at me trying to get me to argue back I refused. I told her if she wanted the divorce that she could pay for it I would do nothing since I left the house with bassically the clothes on my back and gave her everything.

Two days later after thinking about the conversation i phoned her to tell her I was sorry for how the conversation went and that I would take my responsibility for what I did in the marriage and payfor 1/2 of the divorce. She phoned me back 10 min later and said that she went to a therapist and that the therapist said that she has to let her father and friends do her thinking for her. She told me she's really screwed up and that she's not moved on and isn't ready to move on.

I hung up as she had to go to dinner with one of her students and the next few days I was out of town. When I got back in town Sunday her friend was there for 8 hours. I called her on the following Mon. and left a message to see if she would like to meet for coffee or dinner to discuss some of what the therapist said. I got no reply. I called the next day, no reply. i called the next day and asked her to please call me back before the night was over. She called me back that night at 2:00am and said that because she never called me back that I should take the hint and know that it is over. I was about a 30 second phone call. Keep in mind her friend was there Sun, mon, tues, wed, fri. For about 5 hours each night. So I am at the point of giving up completely. I simply dont know what more I can do. I've tried everything and I simply cannot compete with her friends and family. I haven't seen her in 4 1/2 months and she refuses to speak to me, so I need some advice what I should do next or better yet if there is anything left to do. I will fight until there is nothing left to fight for but don't know how longone person alone can fight for a marriage. Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks

[cnt2infinity]

Randymac, hang in there buddy. I know its hard but you have to straighten yourself out first before you can work on this. Right now I am going through similar but I am also looking at every direction and moving on with my life. I will not hang up on my wife, she is making the decisions and all I can do is agree and not argue with her. I know its hard to do this when everything in your life is gone downhill. But in the end you will be stronger than you ever have been. I know at times I feel like picking up that phone and calling her but I have to stay clear from that until she picks it up. from everyone I have spoken to the separation/divorce thing can take time. From a month (if lucky) to several years before a final decision is made. Relationships can be complex but none of them are perfect.

 

I have PMed you my email address. I would be happy to talk if you need.

 

Ty

[MassiveAtom]

Ty's right man.

 

Whatever you did. you can't start chasing your wife. She needs time to understand her own feelings and get them in concurrence with her mind. I'm watching my wife walk out on me and take my two little girls with her. While I'll let her walk out, she won't walk all over me.

 

It's important to look inside and make the commitment to forgive yourself first. No one can forgve you, untl you do. Your actions are your own, your emotions are your own. Your reactions are your own, too. This holds for everyone in the world. Your wife included. If she can't forgive you after you have forgiven yourself, then it's her issue. There is nothing you can do to help her with it.

 

Feel the pain, guilt, remorse, everything. As deeply as you need to. If you start getting bogged down, seek help from a therapist. They will help. Your wife is making her decisions now, all you can do is let her. I think it's okay to show SOME of what you're feeling to her, but try to keep it as brief as possible. It's easy to force someone away if you keep up the emotional displays. Even IF they're good.

 

You'll never be the same after this. You 'll be stronger, and wiser. This WILL NOT KILL YOU. Don't think for a second you can't live without her. You are stronger than you think. There are hidden reserves inside you that are like a deep well of personal power. You just gotta open up that well and start drinking from it.

 

We're all going through some really tough $h|t right now, We all have two shoulders. While we're holding all of OUR stuff on one, if we stick together, we can use the other to help each other. Welcome to loveshack Randymac. How can we help?

 

your brother in arms,

 

 

mA

[randymac]

Thanks for the kind words. I have gone to therapy for about 2 months straight when it first happened. It just feels like it's doomed since its been 8 months now and she does not want any contact from me.

The problem is this, I can't forgive myself for the things I've done to her and It's really dragging me down, bigtime!! I just feel so bad and wish I could let go but I seriosly feel that I've ruined my life. At the end of the day nothing seems to matter if she's not there. I just dont know how to get past the thoughts of her with someone else and the thought that someone else soon will be living the life I want with her. I really blew it!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by randymac

. I have gone to therapy for about 2 months straight when it first happened. It just feels like it's doomed since its been 8 months now and she does not want any contact from me.

The problem is this, I can't forgive myself for the things I've done to her and It's really dragging me down, bigtime!! I just feel so bad and wish I could let go but I seriosly feel that I've ruined my life. At the end of the day nothing seems to matter if she's not there. I just dont know how to get past the thoughts of her with someone else and the thought that someone else soon will be living the life I want with her. I really blew it!

 

Yeah, It's very surprising when you see just what you're capable of. I remember feeling the same shock when I cheated several years ago. It's a good thing to know that you ARE capable of surprising yourself, there's another surprise in store for you. Just how strong and forgiving and kind you can really be. You're obviously empathatic, you're compassionate, and you care about someone other than yourself, these are things that Pride are built on. Careful with yourself. You made a mistake. It's a mistake. that's all it is. I says you're human. that you are imperfect. And that you still deserve the chance to be loved and happy.

 

Don't get me wrong, This is a long road. It's a road you MUST travel alone.A little later the road will fork in a few new directions, you can stand there, try to go back, or you can head down the path that appeals to you.

 

There's work to be done randymac. On you. here's a chance to focus on that, I know it's hard as hell! Even feels like hell. But you'll come up out of the hole if you will just allow yourself to come back up.

 

Pm me anytime

 

right there with you buddy,

 

mA

[aarsky]

I know how you're feeling. I too did some crazy things to reuin two relationships, one a marriage and the other, a three year girlfriend. With me I kept blaming everyone for my problems, always shying away that it actually was me doing this. The difference between the two is that I don't think I ever looved my exwife and the marriage was a mistake from the begiining.

 

But with my girlfriend, I truly did and still do love her and the things I did to piss her off are things that I have never ever done before. Talking to other women sexually on the internet, giving out my work number for them to call me, and even losing a great job because of it all. And the worst thing is I lost her, the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. And now it's like all I want to do is for her to take me back.

 

Im not shrugging the responsibilites anymore for i know it was only me that could make me do these things. The fact that this is still fresh in her memory is hard to swallow. Eight years married and you were the love of her life, how will she ever trust you again.

 

The best thing to do is better yourself and try to avoid contact as much as possible fore now. See a therapist if you have to. I know I've seen so many i could right a book on self help. Find someone you feel comfortable with and be honest about your feelings.

 

One thing I am seeing more and more is if it's meant to be it will be. A friend of mine had the love of his life come back but it took some time, eight months in fact before she even talked to him again. So there is hope, but remember it's something you both have to want.

[randymac]

Well I just found out that my wife instead of returning my phone calls, has been joining online dating forums, along with her married friend, chatting for about 5-6 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. Is it that bad out there that people need to talk to total strangers? Anyway I'm disgusted. When I asked her about it she denied it. Then admitted it and said if I call again she was calling the cops. F%$K HER! I am not responding anymore. Not to divorce , she can pay for it all. I will give her the same respect she gives me throughought all of this. When and if she ever files it will sit forever for all I care, I went to therapy today and will be going again next week. I want this woman completely out of me ASAP. Thanks for all your advice friends as things progress good and bad I will keep ya posted.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by randymac

Well I just found out that my wife instead of returning my phone calls, has been joining online dating forums, along with her married friend, chatting for about 5-6 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. Is it that bad out there that people need to talk to total strangers? Anyway I'm disgusted. When I asked her about it she denied it. Then admitted it and said if I call again she was calling the cops. F%$K HER! I am not responding anymore. Not to divorce , she can pay for it all. I will give her the same respect she gives me throughought all of this. When and if she ever files it will sit forever for all I care, I went to therapy today and will be going again next week. I want this woman completely out of me ASAP. Thanks for all your advice friends as things progress good and bad I will keep ya posted.

 

 

Wait a minute, I know that everyone has been nice and supportive to you here.

 

But the truth remains that you had sex with someone else while you were married. What business do you have getting angry at her for chatting on the internet now that you're separated? Because she chatted online she's OUT? But you wanted her to give YOU another chance?

 

Take a cold, hard look at yourself!!

[Owl]

Hang on...my thought is that he's not putting the boot on her because she's dating online. He's busted his behind trying to make the changes in his life and in himself that he needs to so that he can keep his marriage. And what has he gotten for his efforts? Nada. She's told him to smurf off, and instead of giving him any chance at all, she's doing this.

 

Now, I'm not saying that he's got any right to expect her to come running back to him. Face it dude, you've done the worst things you could to your wife. She very well may not ever come to grips with it, and bluntly, that is YOUR fault, not hers. Act stupid, pay the price.

 

It sounds to me like she's BSing him tho...he made the comment that her therapist told her that she needs to let her father and family make her decisions...hang on here boys and girls...has anyone here EVER seen a therapist tell someone that?!?! Puh-leese.

 

Dude...you need to come to the realization that you've totally destroyed the marriage you had. You've come clean, hit therapy, and are trying to do it right now. Great call...and keep it up. Maybe you'll meet someone that can appreciate tha when she sees it. As far as your wife goes...if she doesn't want you back after what you've done, there is nothing else for it.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

Wait a minute, I know that everyone has been nice and supportive to you here.

 

But the truth remains that you had sex with someone else while you were married. What business do you have getting angry at her for chatting on the internet now that you're separated? Because she chatted online she's OUT? But you wanted her to give YOU another chance?

 

Take a cold, hard look at yourself!!

 

Irrelevant!

 

extra-marital affairs happen because there are causes completely attributable to the behavior of the offended spouse.

 

Not to blame that person for the other's actions, but to reinforce the concept that all parties are culpable to some degree in any relationship breakdown.

 

It's irrelevant to bring up the past, because you're rehashing stuff that's OVER!

 

Randy has it right, F.U.C.K. her! Forgiveness, Understanding, Compassion, & Kindness. for him and her. That'll get him over her in a hurry.

 

Be at peace now, with yourr judgmental self!

 

 

'MA

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Owl

Hang on...my thought is that he's not putting the boot on her because she's dating online. He's busted his behind trying to make the changes in his life and in himself that he needs to so that he can keep his marriage. And what has he gotten for his efforts? Nada. She's told him to smurf off, and instead of giving him any chance at all, she's doing this.

Yep, the minute she asks you to change, say she wishes you could be more like so-n-so, or puts you down, I think every guy should have the cojones to dump her! We're all better than that. Could you Imagine the respect? Of course, they'd all find a way to say we're being childish!

 

Face it dude, you've done the worst things you could to your wife.

Forgive me Owl, but he didn't do it to his wife!! That's when it gets ugly!! Sorry Randy, I had to!

It sounds to me like she's BSing him tho...he made the comment that her therapist told her that she needs to let her father and family make her decisions...hang on here boys and girls...has anyone here EVER seen a therapist tell someone that?!?! Puh-leese.

I'm sayin! That aint no therapist, that HER talking out of her perineum!

Dude...you need to come to the realization that you've totally destroyed the marriage you had. You've come clean, hit therapy, and are trying to do it right now. Great call...and keep it up. Maybe you'll meet someone that can appreciate tha when she sees it. As far as your wife goes...if she doesn't want you back after what you've done, there is nothing else for it.

 

He wasn't the only one Owl, his wife did some stuff that helped destroy it too. Randy, Forgive her, yourself and everyone for being a bunch of Morons. I'm a moron too. We all are. SO let's just live let go, and Move on.

 

Your moronic friend

 

MA

[randymac]

Well I got a phone call Saturday night from the police saying that she was putting a peace bond on me Monday. I got served Monday night and have to go to court in 1 week. What is going on with this woman???? She says I told her when we were arguing on the phone that I would make her life hell! and that she fears that I would do physical harm to her. That I drive by her house and know where she is and who she is with?? What bulls#%t!!

In 8 years I've never so much as called my wife a name or would ever think about raising my hand to her. I loved this woman. Now I hired a lawyer and will contest what she is saying but I probably will lose anyway. She is making me into something I am not, and it is very embarasing. When does the drama stop. I wish it would all just stop. I know that we are done and the marriage is over I just wish she would file for the divorce and get it done ASAP. I am seriously thinking about moving to be away from all of this. Looking for a job elswhere. It seems to me no matter how much I change my life for the better, she manages to knock the sh##t out of me and make me feel like crap. I know that I have screwed up my life for the time being, I'm just trying to pull out of it and start over. Can't she just let me do that?

[Debster]

I'm just trying to pull out of it and start over. Can't she just let me do that?

 

By contacting her you are NOT starting over and you are NOT letting her start over.

I say that on both sides things were said that were mean and actions done that are hard to forgive. At this point, you BOTH have to be willing to forgive and rebuild. She isn't willing - so leave her be. Stop calling, stop caring about what she does, stop contact.

 

You should be proud of your quitting drinking. That is a big deal! STay focused on what you have accomplished and start over, without her.

[Owl]

Hmmm...don't know the laws where you live, but it sounds to me like she's setting you up good for divorce court. I can see it now..."Your honor, my client had to get a restraining order against her husband...". If that doesn't set the tone in court, I don't know what does. Good luck friend...sounds to me like she's going to try to take you to the cleaners, and she's got the ammo to do it.

[MassiveAtom]

Yes randy, these are tactics. But rest assured you can fight as much as you can afford. Peace bond or no, your attorney needs to be working for you now! And so do you. Work to cut off all contact. Use your phone records in your favor. DO NOT call her. If she wants to call you fine, but let the machine get it. You have to protect yourself.

 

Even with a peace bond, if there is a plausible explanation for your actions then it likely won't have an effect.

[randymac]

There isn't gonna be much to fight over when she finally files for divorce. I basically walked out with the clothes on my back and gave her everything. We have no children, and we don't own a house together (we rented). She told me it was all hers anyway during the last 8 years. K!!

So I don't think its a tactict for the divorce. I think she is embarrased that I discovered that she was online dating, because I told her it was desperate and nasty. Now she wants to put the screws to me and make me look like a psyco. Well what do I spend my loot on.........Lawyers or therapy??? Hopefully the lawyers can settle it without going through a hearing. I doubt it though she's pretty vengfull. If anyone has been trough tis before or has any info on it let me know. I live in Canada so the laws might be different .

[NiCoLe20]

i really cant help you out on ur situation b/c what was done was done you know... but i think you should print out 2 copies of everything that was posted in this thread to use as evidence for court ... if it would help.. and to also send her a copy... it will just basically inform her on how u felt...and how ur typing out ur emotions to us on this site about how your feeling...it will give her some insight...maybe she'll ease up on you... hey its worth a shot... try to do it before court...well this is something i would do... its not a serious thing - just shows whats on ur mind about her

[Owl]

I'll tell you what friend....seriously, I think you're marriage is over. You had an alcohol problem which led to you cheating on your wife. You mentioned that you've been together 8 years, married for the last two. But it wasn't until AFTER you totally messed things up, and at about 7 years into your relationship that you began to make the changes you needed to for your marriage. You very well may just be too late. You can't make her try to give you a chance if she doesn't want to. She likely feels that you've been given 7 1/2 years to get it right...why SHOULD she believe that its going to be different now?

 

Are you in counseling for your alcohol problem? Are you in counseling or therapy for the issues that led you to cheat on your wife? WHAT have you done to change, and has she seen that? If you've just made these decisions with no outside help, she'll not believe you.

 

Tell you what...get that counseling going, let her SEE that it is working and has been a success, so that she gets some confidence that you HAVE changed...not just your word for it. Its too easy to say you'll quit drinking, do it for a few months, but once the stress of the situation is over to fall right back into it...trust me, I KNOW.

 

PROVE to her that you're making the changes, and it might work out. But, it's always possible that she'll consider it "too little, too late". And there is nothing you can do to make her see what she doesn't want to see anymore.

[randymac]

I know that the marriage is over. She has made that quite obvious. I went to therapy for 2 months when it first happened to find answers for her and myself about the cheating. I went to therapy about the alcohol abuse problem that I had and was instructed that If I ever felt the urge to go to AA or another rehabilitation program. I've never had an urge as of yet and if I ever felt the urge I would check myself in. I will not let the ruination of my marriage drive me to be the person I once was before, what would that do?? I changed my life because I had to ...Look what it's done to me. The point is that my wife does not have to be acting high school about it anymore and be on some revenge kick, or be that malicious. I feel it didn't matter what I did to change things when she was done she was done. I know that now, but I wasn't prepared to give up on my marriage. I am now. By ignoring me for 4 1/2 months I should have taken the hint. I thought at first that she wasn't filing because she wasn't sure but now I know she just doesn't care. She's done so f^%ck the divorce is her attitude. She'll get around to it when she gets around to it. So I guess that will have to be the way. I just hate the fact that she's making me look like a stalking nut in the process. Tons of unnessecsary BS!!

[randymac]

PS Friday Scheduale of events : Lawyre meeting @ 10:00 am, Therapy @ 2:00pm the cycle continues.

 

If she's up here.......who's ruling Hell????

[Owl]

If its over...its over. Don't worry about the BS she started with the stalking thing. Quit calling her. Call her LAWYER instead. Find out what the hold up is on the divorce...or better yet, call YOUR lawyer and have him earn his keep by making it happen.

 

And don't sweat the fact that she's doing online dating...remember, it's over? Instead...let her have her fun...try to have someone keep a tab on her, and when she goes out and schtups some guy she met online, you've got your counter-leverage against her if it comes up.

 

Over is over....time to cut your losses and walk away then.

[randymac]

Well the court date was yesterday. I showed up with my lawyer (who is very expensive) She showed up in jeans with her friend, the one that is constantly meddling. She was so shocked that I hired an attorney. When it came time for her complaint my lawyer immediatly filed for a hearing on Jan 5 and she didn't get to say a word. I don't think she'll hire a lawyer because she's too cheap. She is going to lose. I actually felt very sorry for her, she looked like she was going to break down and cry the entire time. She just sat with her friend and stared. She didn't think that I would hire a lawyer and fight these acusations but what does she expect me to do? I never brought this BS on she did and although I could never hate her it is so unnessesary and high school that it pisses me off. I really don't know what to feel. I sat there wondering how we ended up in the spot we are now and it's very sureal It bothers me that I still cannot get very angry with her even through all this and it seems like I should and I think it's because I still love her far too much. It was weired seeing her after 5 months. Very weired can't explain it.

 

To MassiveAtom: I know exactly how you feel. I don't think I hate her , I don't know if I like her , yet I do believe that I still love her. Very NUMB!!! Still after almost 9 months. Exactly as you said Not sad , Not happy, just kind of here.

 

Take care