pennypal Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Hi All, I met a guy online 6 months ago. We hit it off from the start. He was the nicest guy you could ever meet and we became inseparable. He text me constantly from his job..all day long..and when he got off from work....he would phone me up the moment he walked in the door...and we would talk all the way up till it was time to go to bed. I have my own business and work from home so it was easy to spend all this time together. Then that turned into (get this, this is silly) sleeping while we kept skype running..so we could hear each other 'sleeping' So basically, we were with each other 24/7 literally! That went on for 4 months...everyday. On the weekends..like on a Saturday..we wouldn't even go to sleep..just stayed up all night and talked...we would fall asleep talking to each other after the sun came up..but still together...sleeping. Just inseparable. Over the course of the 4 months..he would send me flowers..little gifts..I would do the same with him. We were sure we were meant for each other...talked about marriage...having kids...having a family. I myself thought it was a little early to be talking about all of this...we haven't even met in person yet..I even mentioned it was too early for that..but he didn't want to hear me talk like that. We exchanged photos of one another..even photos of us as children. We knew everything about each other. We finally decided to met, which was 4 months later. The moment we met..we rushed into each others arms...both crying and happy to finally see each other. We were together for a little over 2 weeks...continuing to be inseparable...holding hands..kissing..hugging...made love countless times. Oh..about that. He always told me he was a virgin..he is 28 years old. And that was true..trust me! It was a little over-whelming for me..to be someones first like this. I wanted it to be special and to me it was. But his performance wasn't happening..he was always finished before we started...or was finished right at starting! I didn't mind..didn't think anything about it..I just wanted to be with him..I loved him. But he was very self-conscience about it. It got to a point he didn't want to have sex anymore..went a few days without it..told me he was scared of it because he couldn't. I tried to encourage him it does get better and I'm the last person on earth to judge him about it. So we did it a few more times after that..with the same results..which made him more discouraged..but I continued to support him and let him know its okay..it will get better. Anyways..we had a great time together. A few days before it was time for me to go home..he was starting to get depressed and crying..because he didn't want me to leave. We are both from different states..about 9 hours away from each other. The day I left he told me his future was with me and he wanted to relocate to where I was. I was all for it..I was convinced I loved this man..he was the one for me. The day I left was horrible....he was crying uncontrollable..he just didn't want to let me go..he was constantly hugging me to the point I couldn't breathe! I was crying as well..but he was just inconsolable. The day I got back home..he was constantly on the phone with me crying..telling me how much he missed me and loved me. I told him its gonna be okay..we just need to work out the geographics of our situation and then we will be on our way to spending the rest of our lives together. That was on a Thursday.... The next day..Friday...I got the same all day long...he was depressed and crying...telling me he cant wait to relocate to where I was so we could go on with our lives. Come Friday night...he didn't text me to tell me he was home from work..which he has done everyday since the day we met. I got worried so I tried calling him..but he didn't answer his phone. He slowly started to text me back...saying he was home..but I knew something was wrong. He kept saying he was okay..but that was it. I finally got him to come on the phone and I asked him what was wrong. He was just speechless..and wouldn't say anything. I got this gnawing feeling that it was about us so I asked him...is this about us?? Still heard nothing but dead air. I asked him straight..do you still want to be with me..yes or no?? It came down to begging him for a yes or a no because he wasn't saying a word. He finally after a pause that felt like an eternity.. a 'No' I was just dumbfounded. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in such shock that i just hung the phone up with this blank stare. Then he started to flood me with text after that. "Sorry..but I just can't do this..I tried..I'm sorry. "I'm sorry about everything..have a nice life" You can imagine my confusion. He wouldn't answer the phone after that..or answer my text or emails. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown or something..this was so out of character for him. The day before we met..he surprised me with a 7 page hand-written letter that was delivered to my door from an overnight Fed-ex..telling me how I'm the one..and there is no other perfect woman out their for him. So going from that...to this...I just didnt know what to think or what to do. He has anxiety issues...and has anxiety attacks from time to time..he is an engineer and he hates his job...he acts at times that life is crushing down on him. I was his first real relationship which cushioned the blow of him having to go to his job everyday. I thought he was having an emotional breakdown..so since I loved him..I wasnt going to leave him in this state..so I drove all the way to his state and surprised him at his door. Actually he wasnt surprised..he knows how supportive I am and figured I was going to turn up at his door sooner or later. His first reaction as soon as we stepped in his door was for me to get out! Huh??? I got him to calm down and told him to just talk to me...tell me face to face..instead of cowardly telling me behind text..and I would even support him through this. I even sat and held his hand as he tried to tell me. He said that he prayed and God was pulling him into a different direction. He serves on the alter at his church and he said that he broke down to the priest Friday afternoon and confessed his 'sins'....and he feels like he needs to stop the relationship. It was painful to hear..and I was hurt but I supported him and told him I respect his decision and will step aside....which I did. We decided to be friends. We continued to stay in touch with one another..texting every so often over the course of the next few weeks. I finally got angry with him and vented...I was just holding it in...which I think its normal to vent anger at your ex after a breakup. Well I got the shock of my life when he got angry right back at me..and basically torment me with verbal abuse through text for three days straight. Told me the real reason he broke up with me was because I was a liar and a manipulator. That he was 'shocked' to see how 'heavy' I was when we met. I always told him I was a curvy girl..Im not even really that big..Im 5 9' and I weigh 180 lbs..I always told him I was curvy and I wasnt perfect..he would always stop me to talk like that and told me he didnt care what I looked like. Im not trying to be coincided..but I am a beautiful woman..and I'm always approached by men..but I do have a weight issue. But get this..so has he his entire life! He was a fat kid...turned into a fat adult...but he lost 50 pounds. Anyways...he said I should have told him how 'heavy' I really was..and that I'm just a liar for not telling him. He never once raised this issue with me while we were together..he couldn't keep his hands off of me! I was just crushed after all of these accusations...I was just in tears and so hurt for degrading me the way he did about my weight. He verbally abused me so bad..and he kept asking me if I hated him yet..because all he wanted me to do was to 'hate' him so I could move on in life. I told him that I loved him and missed him...and all he could say was 'you'll get over it' He sent me a receipt in my email of a ring he got me..he said he was planning on asking me to marry him when we met..but after he 'saw' him...he decided not to do it. Which makes no sense to me..we were inseparable..he didn't want to let me go..he was crying uncontrollable....I'm just confused! Especially since we were on Skype constantly..then spent two weeks together..I just don't get it. He was emotionally and physically abused by his parents as a child and also a maid. He said he doesn't have a meaningful relationship with his parents and they pretty much abandoned him as a child while they were busy in their careers. I know he has abandonment and emotional issues..he cries easily...he can be so loving..but the past two weeks he has just been distant and cold..no empathy at all..telling me I will "get over it" He did apologize for verbally abusing me for three days straight..but he is sick and tired of 'this is all he gets in life' All he gets in life? I'm a beautiful loving and caring woman..I took care of him..showed him support in everything..always respected him..I was totally devoted and loyal to him..how can someone just turn their feelings off like this..what is going on here? I know I need to move on..its just hard...
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Wow! Ok, I've had experience with people/partners you meet online and then in RL, and while it occasionally ends in cluster****s, sometimes it can be great. I guess this one was one of the former... This guy kinda sounds like damaged goods. He's an engineer? (An occupation known for attracting people with as perfects and autism spectrum disorders more than for example marketing or sales) how old is he? Cause if he's a late twenties/early thirties kinda guy who's a virgin and with not a lot of experience with women, he does sound like... Well lets just say that if he was a package, I'd slap a bunch of "Fragile! This side up!" Stickers on him. That combined with the fact that he basically compressed all the years of dating that guys normally do from 16-26 into a couple of months with you, well... That would get kind of explosive, wouldn't it? 1
Author pennypal Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 He is 28 years old...MIT graduate with a masters in mechanical engineering..kind of nerdy...but I fell hard for him...I thought he did for me as well..
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I'm sorry but this guy sounds mentally unstable. I always advise people to be EXTREMELY wary of guys that come on so hard, and so strong, and act the way this guy did with you. It's not healthy behavior. Meanwhile the woman winds up thinking she's found her "soul male" and "he's the one he's so perfect!" Think rationally... how can you know if you're going to spend your life with a person you've never met? Never had a real relationship with? Never had conflict to know if you guys could get through hard times? I think it was all about the chase, and getting you to fall for him, and once you did- game over. He accomplished his goal. Now he appears to lack any and all empathy for you, is cruel, and he's not the person you thought he was. I doubt he was ever the person you fell for at all. If it's true that he was abused as a child, and neglected, then he's a deeply disturbed individual and he needs lots of therapy. The ways he's behaved with you aren't behaviors of a mentally stable, or emotionally healthy person. Bullet dodged- trust me. 1
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Yeah, I'm not going to start speculating whether he has a personality disorder, but I wouldn't be surprised. But he's 28, a virgin and probably never dated or had a relationship with anybody... So lets assume that he's damaged goods in one form or another to start with, and then compress 12 years of dating and relationships into six months with you... Well, he has no idea what he's doing, and letting very powerful emotions take control all of a sudden. That's why it got so heavy quickly, and why he broke up so hard. On top of that, when you deal with Internet romances, part of what fuels the romance is the stuff you project yourself into the person you're "dating". Because of that it can get really serious and really heavy fast. I've been there myself, and though internet romances can be great, it's always a great idea to keep in mind, that part of what you're "in love with" is stuff that you yourself project into it. And then to see the other person as fast as possible, to get a "reality check". The weight thing is just ridiculous (I got no idea how heavy 180 lb is, I'm European... But 80 kilos on a woman 180 cm tall, that kinda sounds like a tall, graceful chick, with a few curves. It's not like you catfished him...) Didn't he see your body over the webcam or whatever?
geegee81 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I don't have a lot to add right now, except im sorry that he treated you this way. He sounds emotionally unstable and you don't deserve to be treated this way. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. Ive been recently dumped as well so i feel your pain. (((Big Hugs)))
Author pennypal Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Yeah we saw each other a lot on cam..its not like I was giving constant body shots..but he saw enough of me to make the comment that I was 'chubby'
Author pennypal Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 I feel bad because after he verbally attacked me for several days I finally broke down and called him a flaming narcissist and a sociopath. He clearly has issues that need to be addressed. After the verbal attack on one another he admitted to me that he always knew he had issues and he should seek help. I told him he should make an appointment to see someone. He send me an image of his insurance card front and back and told me if I could do it for him. Umm..okay...asking the girl he blindsided and dumped...after calling me a liar and manipulator..and fat..to help him do this. Being the overly sensitive empath that I am..I did...took a lot of my valuable time actually because he didn't have a doctor and had to find someone that would take new patients...also had to explain in detail why he needed to be seen..since he couldn't do it. It was after all this help I was told I would "get over it..don't worry" for making the comment that I missed him. I don't see me getting back with this guy..damaged-goods for sure..but I'm still in the healing process..I still love and miss him..I love and miss who he represented himself to be in the beginning anyhow..and its painful..I know its gonna take some time..
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