To all the fathers

[Monodare1]

Well troops

 

Just dropped me little son off with the ex. Heartbreaking as ever, my sues toon to all the fathers out there is, when does the handing over start to become run of the mill and stop being so painful? I'm 4 months in and it still feels as painful as the first time.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I wish I could help you here, but I'm fast approaching 8 months and it's still heartbreaking. Last weekend for example, once I dropped my little man with my ex at the meeting point, I get back in the car and just start crying. It is just simply my lowest feeling

ever.

 

I will either go to my friends afterwards or go to the cinema on my own to try and ease the pain but the hurt is always there...

 

Sorry I wish I could be more positive, maybe in the future...

[Porridge]

I'm about 4 months in as well Mono - pretty much side by side with you there.

 

Daughter started crying as I dropped kids off yesterday. She wanted a hug then wouldn't let go. We sat in the car for about five minutes saying our goodbyes whilst their mother waited at the door wondering what was going on.

 

I kept the strong face, not just for them but also because I would never show a smidgen of vulnerability to the ex. I promised daughter we'll speak on the phone and am also looking to set up Skype so we can talk on the computer too.

 

Same happens every time. I arrive back home to a messy house but with an eerie silence. And then without fail it hits me and I blub like a child, sometimes on and off for the rest of the evening.

 

I'm always better after i've slept on it but those Sunday evenings......they're truly horrible aren't they.

[MrE_UK]

Am almost 4 months in also now, and when I see my little girl we have such a great time, stay in a hotel, go to the park and McDonald's, etc., that saying goodbye smacks me right in the chest like a freight train!

 

My advice which helps and if possible: use video calls and get to say "goodnight," as much as possible. I speak to her every day on video call (iPhone FaceTime) and it really helps maintain a relationship. Skype is such a good idea!! Make it fun, happy, and make sure they laugh.

 

I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship also and our relationship is at odds due to distance and that ex blocking most contact. I see her during school holidays and we have a phone conversation twice a week - when she wants to talk that is.

 

The important thing is: make sure they know you are around and available.

Edited October 14, 2013 by MrE_UK

[TheBladeRunner]

It still stinks. I am 15 months in and although it has been easier to drop my daughter off, the time on my own is very lonely. It's better than a year ago, but it is still hard. I miss the "family life", what can I say? At least I don't cry as much as I used to, but I still do sometimes.

[melissag]

Hi, I don't mean to hijack the thread or insert my own self interest, but curious to know whether the responses on this thread are from the leaver or the left. As the one being left, I am dreading this more than anything - that he gets to leave and take my kids half the time. Somehow from his perspective, it's going to be great. He is a pretty involved Dad, and I can't believe that he doesn't find the prospect of having only half the time with his kids daunting . . . do you think it is different for the one who made the decision?

[ChooseTruth]

What's your schedule setup like? The longest I usually ever go without seeing my daughters is 3 days, unless the ex takes her on a vacation. We have a 50/50 plan and I make the most of my time with her. I spend most of the other days taking care of errands, working out, etc.

[RonaldS]

I'm 3 years in. It always hurts. But you learn to enjoy the time knowing that it will end and just focus on the time you have with them rather than the time you don't.

 

If the situation is amicable w/ex, I highly recommend talking to your kids every day, and FaceTime and Skype are awesome. Be a daily presence, somehow, some way. Especially if your kids are young, as mine are. It's important for the kids to at least hear your voice everyday.

 

Also, if you can manage it, don't get too emotional when it's time to say goodbye. My daughter used to be totally destroyed by us parting, but I always played it cool and reassured her that I would talk to her that night, and see her again in a few days or a week, whatever. It helped a lot, and now she is not affected too much by it. Remember, kids tend to fear the loss of a parent, or their presence, in a way that adults have difficulty identifying with. To us, it's an inconvenience and sad. To kids, it's like the world comes crashing down when you leave. It can be traumatic. Be calm, even and reassuring.

[Monodare1]

Well Melissa, I'm in the position of being the one dumped on and due to this, having to leave.

[M30USA]

My ex wife sometimes makes emotional scenes when she drops off my kids, especially for holidays. I find that this only adds to my kids' sense of guilt for wanting to see me. One time my ex and her family were sobbing as my son came to me. My son was crying as well. I picked him up and immediately made him bust out laughing. As soon as he saw my ex's family at the door again, he shut down and reverted to the sad face. Then his happy side instantly came out again once in the car. All that happens with emotional scenes is the children feel more torn and guilty than they already do. Not good.

[Jstub]

Sorry to hear from yet another father in the same boat as many. Know that you are not alone and a lot of fathers out there can relate to you.

 

As many have said, it does not seem to get easier. I can't even remember when I moved out? Maybe April? It's always heartbreaking to say good bye and listen to the cries of the children. "Don't go daddy" "please sleep on the blow up bed" this coming from my 3 year old daughter. My 4 year old son seems to be getting used to it more... but he always gets heartbroken when I leave. I do see them every other day though - even at that - still very difficult. I have gotten over losing my ex wife, but I have not gotten over losing my 50% more time with my children - I don't think i will ever get over that.

 

All we can do is make the most of the time we have with our children and make them feel loved and reassure them that it is not their fault and that they have not lost you. Daddy will always be there! They need to know that and count on you.

 

Good luck to OP and all other dads out there.

[shattered Inside]

Hi,

I am in between a separation process.Although legally not yet separated but mentally, physically and spiritually yes i am and its been months now .I am a leaver and decided to move ahead as it was getting painful with, i would say(ex).She is just went to her parents place few days back and taken son along .Although its decided that i am going to keep the son as she is incapable of handling him.She is an alcoholic but don't take me wrong as i am not leaving her for this reason but because she has been unfaithful all this while(10 years).

 

Yes, the pain is immense as i have invested 10 years of my life in someone who is not worth it all and i regret..

Although i have not yet felt the pain of staying apart from my son for long but than thinking about him all the time.As for him both the parents are equally important and whenever he asks me the question about his mother. it really hurts a lot and many a times i go and cry alone...I have no answers for his Innocent questions but i try to be strong..Its going to be big test of mine as i am going to have a legal as well as mutually decided custody of him.but believe you me its going to be tough as i am the only one going to do everything along with the financial aspects too .

Divorce ,separation itself is very painful but than staying apart and taking care of kid individually is always better rather than staying together and leaving a bad impact on kid's mind because of daily arguments and quarrels.

Rest Be strong man this too shall pass .One thing i know that reaching to a decision of getting separated doesn't come without a reason and only if we would be fine than only our kids will have a better future...Please pray to God as This too shall pass..

I am sorry if i am not too the point and relevant enough to your question but than going through lot of pain and miserable time just because of unworthy human being so thought to share it out with you to make you feel that you are not alone .we all are with you ..Stick to this place as it really works as a guide to lost people in journey of life

Will pray for you..Cry but be strong in front of kids!!!!

Regards

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hi Melissa.

 

Unfortunately I was also dumped on and was forced to leave.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hi, I don't mean to hijack the thread or insert my own self interest, but curious to know whether the responses on this thread are from the leaver or the left. As the one being left, I am dreading this more than anything - that he gets to leave and take my kids half the time. Somehow from his perspective, it's going to be great. He is a pretty involved Dad, and I can't believe that he doesn't find the prospect of having only half the time with his kids daunting . . . do you think it is different for the one who made the decision?

 

I am the dumpee........and he WILL have a problem whether he thinks so or not. It sucks no matter how you slice it; we all have to find a way to muddle through, but IMO I miss the "family". Just my thoughts.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I'm not sure if this makes sense but I miss not being a family, but I don't miss my ex at all anymore.

[TheBladeRunner]

I'm not sure if this makes sense but I miss not being a family, but I don't miss my ex at all anymore.

 

That is EXACTLY where I am at HBE.....EXACTLY!

[Monodare1]

I didn't have a choice, I didn't want to leave my son, but I was living in a house where my wife didn't want me and a part of Scotland knee deep in in laws, with my family and friends more than 20 miles away (for a non driver, still a long way away). Still trying to get off the mortgage as the mother in law has now moved in with the wife's younger brothers (she's currently paying my half as a sort if rent).

 

I love my son more that life itself and feel guilt every single day for the end of the relationship with his mother despite the fact that I didn't wield the axe. I only hope she feels guilt for her actions in pulling my little boys family apart. That said, it is what it is and I'm doing my best to muddle through. I was brought up like many typical Scottish men and struggle to cry, but every Sunday night after handing my little boy over, I fall into the blackest of moods and more or less shut myself away in my bedroom at my dads with a lump in my throat. I hope when my little boy grows older that he will understand and forgive me for leaving and see that it wasn't my fault, that I had to leave as it would have been worse for all of us if I stayed in the house as two seperated people living together is like purgatory and no good will have come of it.

[Monodare1]

Having said all that, I will always be there for him and will be the best dad I can be given the circumstances. Just dreading Christmas as I do not know what to expect. His mother and I are trying to be amicable, but it's really difficult and pettiness does inevitably rear it's ugly head at times. It's difficult to do the 180s when the ex and I have to see each other every week and I have to speak to her all be it briefly to contact our little one via FaceTime on a daily basis.

 

Unlike a lot of posts, there was no cheating or dodgy stuff that caused the break up, just a general falling out of love and drifting apart, with an unhealthy dose of homesickness on my part and selfishness on hers. My previous posts will explain this.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Monodare, don't feel guilty for leaving. I'm sure you would not have left unless you had no option.

 

When I found out of my ex affair, I wanted to fight on for the sakes of my son. When it was obvious that she did'nt love me anymore, I had no choice but to go. It hurts now just thinking about that period. What really destroyed me was my son begging me to come back on the phone. I felt the guilt then too.

 

Don't worry about the crying, in South London, real men don't cry either. Well I have cried the proverbial river, and still crying too. It's called being human. Also being a loving dad who misses their child.

 

I'm already anxious about Christmas, especially as some bloke has already moved in and will be with my son when he opens his presents. I will make sure that when he comes over to mine he will have a great time.

 

I know it's tough but we have to be strong for our little ones. Mine is my sole motivation in life at the moment.

[Monodare1]

Luckily my little boy is too young to remember this difficult period in all our lives and when he's of age to remember he will not know any different, to him his mum and dad will have always been separated. I know I and the ex will make sure he has a good Christmas and that he will be fine, im just worried about how the ex and I will be together for our sons sake and if depression will cloud my mind while I'm off work for Christmas. At least work keeps me occupied, but being off for a full fortnight and only seeing my son at certain times during it, that leaves a lot of time on my hands for my mind to run riot.

[TheBladeRunner]

So it's my XW's time to have my daughter last night, I took my daughter to school in the AM and everything was fine. I told her that I would see her Friday, and that was that; at this point where I am at when I do this it only sucks a little.

 

Five o'clock rolls around and my XW is calling and I can hear my daughter in the back crying uncontrollably "I want my daddy". My first thought is to have the XW do what she normally does and say that it is her time; the crying was so bad that she won't do this. I would normally have her stick to her guns, but I tell the XW to bring my daughter to my place. No sooner do I get the door open and my daughter is still very upset. She reaches up, I grab her, and she does not let go for 20 minutes. It felt good to be wanted that much but it was horrible to see her so upset. She stayed with me last night and that is always good.

 

On a possitive note, I reached a milestone: Normally when this kind of thing happens I become angry as it was my XW's idea to end things. This time was different, I was very sad and concerned for my daughter, but no anger whatsoever toward my EX. This was a good thing! It is hard, easier than it was 3 months ago, six months ago, but this stuff just eats my lunch sometime.