LittleJ Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 So My amazing BF and I have been together almost 6 months. He has been very loving, very attentive and pretty much the best boyfriend ever during this time. He was moving more quickly than I would've liked, but I kept the brakes on until I was ready to make the commitment. Once in, we were rocking it. We spent a lot of time together, but also time apart, given our conflicting work schedules. We did the best we could. I had some insecurity issues about his ex, but he never hooked into them and let me get over it on my own, which I have. He's been great through a lot of tough issues that came my way, and ultimately, very supportive and a real stand up guy. I had no complains, was walking on sunshine. We went away for the weekend, had one explosive terrible fight, and haven't spoken much since. We had sex that morning, but it was disconnected. We drove 4 hours in silence to get back home. I made attempts at apologizing, telling him how sorry I was for raising my voice, blah blah blah, and asked how he was feeling about it. He said he had nothing to say, which upset me, but I figured by the end of the night, it would work itself out. He drops me off at my apartment and says we can talk later. No hug, no kiss, nothing. I ran after him, asked for a hug just to connect and he said we'd talk later and drove off. I sent him a text message later on asking to reconnect and that it was painful to leave on that note. He responded by "Sorry babe, I need a break." I wrote that I understood, that it's been an intense 24 hours. He wrote "let me just work this week and figure **** out. Lets plan on doing something on Monday." I asked for clarity... He said he loved me and needed the break. It's been almost 5 days. I"m literally tortured inside and fear the worst. He's sent a few texts saying he loves me, but that he still needs time. This is just so unlike him and I am so scared it's over. Please, any advice would be great, either around the situation, or learning how to self soothe. I feel like I'm dying. I can't sleep and have lost all control. What the hell is going on here?
hurts2death Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 your only "card" is to take your mind from him and let him make any move....sth like nc i mean nc but i say it like that cause nc is supposed to heal only you and not bring him back.//.// so if you want him ignore him
headinthecloud Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Whatever happened between you two can't be undone. You've apologized but something shook him to the core. Give him his space and don't reply to him until Monday. If he sent ILY texts that's a good sign, but try not to think about the past. You've already apologized, he has decided to think it over which you agreed so he has to either accept it and talk things through with you, or he doesn't and you both move on. I'm sure you're beating yourself up right now but don't. If you feel like you made a mistake, it does happen sometimes - you're human. Try not to dwell. However, it sounds like you may be verging on neediness and that isn't attractive. It's important to keep your individuality in the relationship. Be patient. Go to the gym, hangout with friends, go for a hike. Take your mind off the relationship and focus on you. It's easy to say and hard to do, but don't give up on yourself. Be strong. No matter what happens, everything is a learning experience that forces us to grow.
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 He may be a stand up guy, but THIS situation is going to tell you A LOT about a person--- and this situation is precisely why I warn people from jumping into relationships too quickly--- you just don't know a person so completely early on! How a couple fights, and how they subsequently get past fights, is going to tell you a lot about the strength of the relationship, and whether or not there is long term potential there. Right now, I don't like what I see. 1. Complete lack of communication from his end. 2. Has completely stonewalled you. 3. Instead of working through an issue, he RUNS. 4. Instead of understanding how this has made you feel, he just TELLS you he's dropping off the earth for a week. (Taking a time out to cool off is NORMAL. That should be 24 hours at most. Not a week.) 5. Based on your story, it doesn't seem as if he apologized for his end of the argument at all. 6. You two do not fight fair. (Raising voices and having "explosive terrible fights" is not healthy, it's toxic behavior. So while he may be a "stand up guy" when things get rough and there is conflict, you guys completely break down. It shows an extremely weak foundation, it shows he's not comfortable enough communicating with you, OR he's fearful or just hates confrontation (which is not good, you can't just sweep things under a carpet.) I don't see how needing a week long break a mere 6 months into a relationship is a good sign at all. Do you guys fight often? 3
Author LittleJ Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 He may be a stand up guy, but THIS situation is going to tell you A LOT about a person--- and this situation is precisely why I warn people from jumping into relationships too quickly--- you just don't know a person so completely early on! How a couple fights, and how they subsequently get past fights, is going to tell you a lot about the strength of the relationship, and whether or not there is long term potential there. Right now, I don't like what I see. 1. Complete lack of communication from his end. 2. Has completely stonewalled you. 3. Instead of working through an issue, he RUNS. 4. Instead of understanding how this has made you feel, he just TELLS you he's dropping off the earth for a week. (Taking a time out to cool off is NORMAL. That should be 24 hours at most. Not a week.) 5. Based on your story, it doesn't seem as if he apologized for his end of the argument at all. 6. You two do not fight fair. (Raising voices and having "explosive terrible fights" is not healthy, it's toxic behavior. So while he may be a "stand up guy" when things get rough and there is conflict, you guys completely break down. It shows an extremely weak foundation, it shows he's not comfortable enough communicating with you, OR he's fearful or just hates confrontation (which is not good, you can't just sweep things under a carpet.) I don't see how needing a week long break a mere 6 months into a relationship is a good sign at all. Do you guys fight often? We don't fight often. We've had a few little arguments, but quickly let them saw how ridiculous they were, hugged and kissed and let them go. He would listen to my POV, and then 24 hours later, tell me he was sorry and agreed that this or that. You're right, he doesn't do well with confrontation or communication, but has stated many times, "I know you can teach me to grow up in relationships. I am ready to learn and I trust you can help me." I should add here, the explosive fight we had had a lot to do with a day of drinking (on him and me). This doesn't happen often and we both agreed that the alcohol was a major factor here.
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You're right, he doesn't do well with confrontation or communication, but has stated many times, "I know you can teach me to grow up in relationships. I am ready to learn and I trust you can help me." No, no, no. It's not up to you to help him "grow up" in a relationship. That's on HIM. And as you can see, you've done nothing to teach him anything, and he hasn't grown up at all. His behavior after the fight was unacceptable and should not be something you tolerate or excuse. He needs to grow up on his own accord and learn how to communicate like an adult. Especially if HE participated in the day drinking, and he is just as much at fault, he doesn't just get to run away for a week and leave you wondering what the hell is going on. -- FYI this is a form of manipulation. He is pretty much "punishing" you and he's showing you what's going to happen if things get out of hand. My last relationship was like this. I stayed with him for 3 years and by the time he was done with me (stonewalling, running away, avoiding conflict, not communicating, "punishing" me by ignoring me for days) I was a shell of a human being. I was walking on egg shells always just so I didn't disrupt the peace. I think what he's done is really show you how he's going to react when things get hard between you two. The only person you are accountable for, IS YOURSELF. You can only control how you act, and react to situations. It's not up to you to hold your end of the relationship, while holding his end as well. That's not how it works. And if alcohol was such a major factor here, perhaps you both need to sit down and look at whether or not one or both has an alcohol issue. If it causes such fights, and is so detrimental to the both of you, NEITHER of you should be drinking in the presence of the other, or much at all. 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 No, no, no. It's not up to you to help him "grow up" in a relationship. That's on HIM. And as you can see, you've done nothing to teach him anything, and he hasn't grown up at all. His behavior after the fight was unacceptable and should not be something you tolerate or excuse. He needs to grow up on his own accord and learn how to communicate like an adult. Especially if HE participated in the day drinking, and he is just as much at fault, he doesn't just get to run away for a week and leave you wondering what the hell is going on. -- FYI this is a form of manipulation. He is pretty much "punishing" you and he's showing you what's going to happen if things get out of hand. My last relationship was like this. I stayed with him for 3 years and by the time he was done with me (stonewalling, running away, avoiding conflict, not communicating, "punishing" me by ignoring me for days) I was a shell of a human being. I was walking on egg shells always just so I didn't disrupt the peace. I think what he's done is really show you how he's going to react when things get hard between you two. The only person you are accountable for, IS YOURSELF. You can only control how you act, and react to situations. It's not up to you to hold your end of the relationship, while holding his end as well. That's not how it works. And if alcohol was such a major factor here, perhaps you both need to sit down and look at whether or not one or both has an alcohol issue. If it causes such fights, and is so detrimental to the both of you, NEITHER of you should be drinking in the presence of the other, or much at all. 100% dead on, don't waste good years, on something destined to end like KatZee and I did.....you can do better
Author LittleJ Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 No, no, no. It's not up to you to help him "grow up" in a relationship. That's on HIM. And as you can see, you've done nothing to teach him anything, and he hasn't grown up at all. His behavior after the fight was unacceptable and should not be something you tolerate or excuse. He needs to grow up on his own accord and learn how to communicate like an adult. Especially if HE participated in the day drinking, and he is just as much at fault, he doesn't just get to run away for a week and leave you wondering what the hell is going on. -- FYI this is a form of manipulation. He is pretty much "punishing" you and he's showing you what's going to happen if things get out of hand. My last relationship was like this. I stayed with him for 3 years and by the time he was done with me (stonewalling, running away, avoiding conflict, not communicating, "punishing" me by ignoring me for days) I was a shell of a human being. I was walking on egg shells always just so I didn't disrupt the peace. I think what he's done is really show you how he's going to react when things get hard between you two. The only person you are accountable for, IS YOURSELF. You can only control how you act, and react to situations. It's not up to you to hold your end of the relationship, while holding his end as well. That's not how it works. And if alcohol was such a major factor here, perhaps you both need to sit down and look at whether or not one or both has an alcohol issue. If it causes such fights, and is so detrimental to the both of you, NEITHER of you should be drinking in the presence of the other, or much at all. I don't think the alcohol thing is a chronic issue. We were on a vacation, started with wine at lunch and just kept up throughout the day. We both agreed it likely had something to do with the fight though. So here's an odd twist: I spoke to our mutual friend who said he'd try and do some investigating. After his brief investigation, said, "He said you two had a great weekend away, and that things were still good between you both. I definitely didn't get any of what your going through from him...which is odd." It seems he is in denial, AND afraid of the confrontation. Tomorrow is day 5 and maybe I could get some advice on how to approach him. I know what he did isn't okay, and I"m feeling that eggshell thing already...like I don't want to attack him with how the last 5 days made me feel and how he completely ignored my needs and feelings, but I do want to give it another try if the option is there and see if this is something that can be worked on. There are far too many good things in this to let him go like that. Thoughts? And Thanks.
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Your guy is acting just how my ex was. To everyone else, we had a great relationship. No one would have known we had those issues unless I said something. He put on a happy face to everyone, and it always amazed me how phony he could be to other people, meanwhile he was so cruel behind closed doors. I, like you, thought my ex had far too many great qualities to just throw it out, and it's why I lasted 3 years with him. But I can't even tell you how many conversations I had with him where I told him what he was doing was NOT OK, it always hurt me, he needed to learn how to communicate with me, and on and on and on. He promised up and down he'd try, he'd change, he wanted us to work out. And we'd basically go back to being the happy couple until there was another problem and AGAIN: ignore, no communication, stonewall, ice out, and then he'd come back days later as if NOTHING had happened. Complete disregard for me, my feelings, the fact I had been sitting around for days trying to reach out to him, wondering what was going on, being upset, hurt. He didn't care. All he cared about was running away from whatever problem we had, and when HE felt he was ready to come back, that's when he did. It started out slowly, and these episodes started being more frequent, and happening every few weeks or so. If you want to stay and try to work it out, do so. But past behavior is extremely indicative of future behavior, and he just showed you exactly who he is. Running away from an issue is not the trait of a stand up guy, it's the trait of a coward, and an emotionally stunted person. You can talk to him, tell him how much it hurt you, and you want to communicate better but it's ultimately up to HIM to do the work, not you. Then just go back to the relationship I guess. Just don't be surprised when it happens again. And I hope if/when it does happen again, you just rid yourself of the drama. It is NOT worth it. Especially because problem solving, and learning to deal with conflict constructively is what's going to make or break the relationship... NOT the fact that he may be affectionate, or sweet talk you, or buy you a gift here and there. And all I can say is, if you're feeling the "eggshell" thing NOW, just wait until you're with him a bit longer, you're not going to even recognize yourself as a person if he keeps up this behavior. Edited October 13, 2013 by KatZee
Author LittleJ Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Your guy is acting just how my ex was. To everyone else, we had a great relationship. No one would have known we had those issues unless I said something. He put on a happy face to everyone, and it always amazed me how phony he could be to other people, meanwhile he was so cruel behind closed doors. I, like you, thought my ex had far too many great qualities to just throw it out, and it's why I lasted 3 years with him. But I can't even tell you how many conversations I had with him where I told him what he was doing was NOT OK, it always hurt me, he needed to learn how to communicate with me, and on and on and on. He promised up and down he'd try, he'd change, he wanted us to work out. And we'd basically go back to being the happy couple until there was another problem and AGAIN: ignore, no communication, stonewall, ice out, and then he'd come back days later as if NOTHING had happened. Complete disregard for me, my feelings, the fact I had been sitting around for days trying to reach out to him, wondering what was going on, being upset, hurt. He didn't care. All he cared about was running away from whatever problem we had, and when HE felt he was ready to come back, that's when he did. It started out slowly, and these episodes started being more frequent, and happening every few weeks or so. If you want to stay and try to work it out, do so. But past behavior is extremely indicative of future behavior, and he just showed you exactly who he is. Running away from an issue is not the trait of a stand up guy, it's the trait of a coward, and an emotionally stunted person. You can talk to him, tell him how much it hurt you, and you want to communicate better but it's ultimately up to HIM to do the work, not you. Then just go back to the relationship I guess. Just don't be surprised when it happens again. And I hope if/when it does happen again, you just rid yourself of the drama. It is NOT worth it. Especially because problem solving, and learning to deal with conflict constructively is what's going to make or break the relationship... NOT the fact that he may be affectionate, or sweet talk you, or buy you a gift here and there. And all I can say is, if you're feeling the "eggshell" thing NOW, just wait until you're with him a bit longer, you're not going to even recognize yourself as a person if he keeps up this behavior. Wow. I really appreciate your perspective. It's honest, and sounds like your ex and my current are very similar. It's scary. I guess I'm not feeling strong enough to walk away at the moment. But this quote of yours really offered some perspective: "Running away from an issue is not the trait of a stand up guy, it's the trait of a coward, and an emotionally stunted person." which I already know. He is emotionally stunted and I could see it in him after observing the way he dealt with his ex. Breaks my heart though. Another question for you. When "he" finally decides he ready to come back and be a couple again, how shall I approach the first meet up? KZ, you are amazing and I truly value your comments.
melell Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Ok, stop judging this person. They had a fight, he is taking sometime to process it. That doesn't necessarily mean he isn't a stand up guy, and it certainly doesn't mean he is a coward. Some people do take some time to process things, and some people are really sensitive. My advice- this doesn't have to mean a 'break', it could just mean a little break for him. You will soon find out. Give him the time he needs-until monday or whatever, if he breaks it off then you can judge him. Don't jump the gun on this one.
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Wow. I really appreciate your perspective. It's honest, and sounds like your ex and my current are very similar. It's scary. I guess I'm not feeling strong enough to walk away at the moment. But this quote of yours really offered some perspective: "Running away from an issue is not the trait of a stand up guy, it's the trait of a coward, and an emotionally stunted person." which I already know. He is emotionally stunted and I could see it in him after observing the way he dealt with his ex. Breaks my heart though. Another question for you. When "he" finally decides he ready to come back and be a couple again, how shall I approach the first meet up? KZ, you are amazing and I truly value your comments. If you already saw his negative qualities with his ex, what prompted you to be in a relationship with him? Were you hoping he would be different with you? He's going to come back, and because this is his first offense, I would just tell him that what he did really hurt you, and instead of dragging a fight out, that you would prefer to just talk it out right then and there and move past it. Tell him that the silence and being iced out isn't something you're going to tolerate. Obviously taking some time to cool off is perfectly acceptable and normal. As I said, 24 hours MAX. He doesn't get to vanish off the earth for an entire week. Especially since he was just as much at fault as you are, and he's basically making it out to be that YOU were the entire problem here and he really needed "so much time" away from you. He needs to own up to his own actions, his own behaviors and not just put everything on you. Maybe he just didn't realize how much it affected you, but honestly, he treated his ex poorly, and now he's pulling the same crap with you. Past behavior indicates future behavior. Give him another shot, watch him, see what happens. If he does it again, I'd be done with it.
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