It's over...I think

[Silver]

Well it looks like we may be officially broken up. If you read my previous post(s) you'll remember we were having problems. To make a long story short last night we went to bed it was 10:15, as usual we just lay there in silence, no words spoken or no emotions and affections shown. My mind was in a jumble last night, my stomach was achy (you know when you have a bad feeling about something), so the last time I looked at the clock it was 11:30. I guess I fell asleep for 15 mins, I wake up and he is pushed up against me, I'm almost falling off the bed, I ask him to just move over abit because I am about to fall off. He doesn't budge and says you're okay there. I say I am falling off the bed please push over. So he gets pissed off and moves over, then he puts his hand on my stomach and says he wants to have sex. ( he knows I am exhausted, I had a terrible headache all day) I say not now I am really tired. He says come on just a quickie. I told him no, I am not in the mood and am tired. He says who are you getting it from? I say no one, I just am really tired and have had this terrible headache all day. He starts swearing and getting mad. Rolls over then a few minutes later gets up, grabs his pillows and says f*ck this, can't even touch you now, and says he's leaving. I say what do you mean you're leaving, he says just that I am leaving.

 

This morning, the alarm goes off, I tell him to wake up. He gets dressed, not a word spoken. Leaves, not a word spoken. Didn't even take his lunch. Just left.

 

I believe we may be done. I am hurting and my stomach still has the achy feeling, my heart is actually hurting too. I didn't fall asleep for the most of the night, I lay there thinking of the last 11.5 years.

 

So now, I'm at work, replaying what went on last night, replaying my life. I feel tired.

 

Now I'm thinking what if I go home and he's taken everything and left? Or what if he says what he meant by he's leaving is that he's leaving to go sleep on the couch? I want to be able to say that it's too late, I've already started looking for a new place. Please don't tell me just say it, it's easier said then done. I know I want out as well, maybe that's why I haven't really broken down yet, I cried a little, I know I will probably have a break down when it does come time to get my things and move out.

[SoleMate]

Almost any breakup is painful. Even if the relationship is a bad one, and the breakup is totally necessary, you will still feel substantial pain for a while. That's the way our human psychology works (those of us who are not psychopaths). So be aware that the pain will come - or is coming right now - and brace yourself for it.

 

It may help you to write a list of what was good about your r/s with him, and what was bad. Look at the list whenever you question why you are leaving him.

 

BTW: I now you are hurting now. When the pain eases, please remember that you are young and you have most of your life ahead of you. You have some r/s patterns to unlearn, but you can do that. Your future will be much better than the past. Guaranteed.

[neptoon]

Damn, you sound like me about 2 years ago. I read your post this morning and thought about it today.

 

Here's a good way to logicize the situation.

 

Leaving a relationship that isn't right for you is like graduating from one level of education and moving onto another -- much like in the way we graduate from grade school and go to high school or from high school to go to college.

 

It is always frightening at first. But, although you have fond memories of your high school, you wouldn't stay there because you're ready to move on to bigger and better things. The fear of leaving a relationship that we've been in so long is the fear of the unknown.

 

You are ready to graduate and find yourself a new relationship that can accommodate the needs of the person you have grown into. In the last 11 years, you've grown as a person and you're not happy in your current relationship because you want more. Your SO's actions don't meet your criteria of a mate that you want for something long-term where you will, as a couple, have to take on greater responsibility. You see him as unfit because he seems unable to take on responsibility or a mindset of selflessness needed to raise a child. He can't even sacrifice his video games to help out around the house -- what kind of father would that make him? He doesn't want to make it official and just get married -- from this, you perceive lack of stability needed to raise a family with him.

 

This is not to say that you don't love him or that you do -- it sounds like you care about him but you are no longer IN love with him.

 

I was in the same situation. I loved my ex-bf but I really wanted to have a family one day and he had no such intentions. I loved doing things with him and the time I spent with him and I learned a lot from him while we were together. But, every time I saw a baby on TV or a couple walking their child, I resented him deeply for denying me my right to have children because of his selfishness. He sounds a lot like your bf. He often put his own needs before the needs of the household or our pets. I didn't believe he could raise a family with me because he was too needy and reliant upon his mother. As soon as I began seeing these things, my sexual attraction for him just died. I no longer wanted to have sex with him.

 

Don't be afraid. Acknowledge that it will hurt. Know that it will hurt (intensely) when you are breaking the pattern of the routines in your relationship. But, also know, that you WILL adjust to it. Know, when you are feeling that hurt, that you will become a stronger woman at the end of it. Acknowledge that you may never forget him, but you WILL find someone else that can give you everything you want (in terms of commitment, desire to work towards common things, desire to build a strong foundation for a relationship) and who will make your life happier than it is in this unfulfilling relationship. By taking on this hurt right now and facing what is at hand, you will grow and change and become wiser. When you enter another relationship after, you will have learned how to steer the relationship where both will be happy in accepting the responsibilities of household, children, family, marriage, etc.

 

Continuing down the road of the unhappy relationship for another 10 years will only make you look back upon your life with regret. What gave me strength to not get back together with my ex and make the break-up forever: I didn't want to look back one day and ask myself if I could've done better or have gotten the family that I want.

 

I feared being alone afterwards but worse than the fear of being alone is the possibility of regret in the years to come. But don't fear being alone. Know that there are many, many other guys out there who are looking for someone just like you to fall in love with and to face life with. The thing that makes people stay in unhappy relationships is fear of being alone. Don't be afraid of that. I know of many men who would love nothing more than to find a woman like you, marry her, start a family with her. These are the guys who would be happy to do that with you. These are the good guys, who have learned what it's like to really be alone and to appreciate what they have infront of them. These are the guys who remain faithful, and make good husbands.