Frustratedwife Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Background: married for 5 yrs. we were in a long distnce relationship for 5 months before tying the knot. Had DD1 a yr after and had DD2 who is a surprise baby 2.5 yrs later. We've had numerous big fights in our history. Situation. When we found out that im pregnant with DD2 i freaked out. And thats an understatement. DD1 was a very difficult child ad i knew there was no way i could hndle another one. But i still went ahead with my pregancy. Husband who wanted ths baby even more than me was a complete ******* thoughout my difficult pregnancy. He treated me like ****, got his parents to harrass me, had an emotionl ffair (which left me completey blindsided as it happened at such a fragile time and when he had claimed tht things were going great between us). I somehow got through it and DD2 is a very precious child. He had promised me that he will put in all the effort to make sure that he helps me with DD2 before she was born, but just as i feared, its all me, just me who is suffering the first year. He never, nit a single night helped me with her, i have been the sole person who is majorly sleep deprived and sick all the time. In the last6 months, he has taken two vacations alone and gone off to far off places (first one was two weeks long and second one is a week long if that helps),leaving me to my fate with two young children. I know a lot of men abandon thir children, but this guy who lives a pretentious life in the soiety that hes a Great responsible husband nd dad lives like a single man. When he left for his second vacation, i was extremely sick. I could not even move from the bed. He still left without once thinking how i might take care of two young kids completely dpendent on me. He did not even call later to find out how im doing. If i tll him whats going on and that i need help, he gets mad at me and asks me to quit complaining. Is this normal? Do men do this? Men on this forum, do u take a solo vacation so oftn? Ps:apologizing for all the typos. Ipad is not very type friendly and its 5 am without a second of sleep all night Edited October 13, 2013 by Frustratedwife
anne1707 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 No reasonable man who cared about his wife and family would go on vacation like this. I hate having to ask this but are you sure the affair ended? 1
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thank you for the reply. Yes, it did end.( He does not wear a wedding band.) i sometimes start to panic if he's doing something out there, but am trying to tell myself that he is truthful to me now. Besides there's no way for me to find out what hes doing there so im trying not to think anything negative or i'll go crazy
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks eastcoaster. He does help with dd1. When she was born, he was not available as usual. But i started putting my foot down and we had loads of fights. I used to be exhausted with no help and im not one of those natural nurturing moms. Honestly, i love my children but being a mom is very hard for me. I still do a pretty good job. He called me crazy when my fatigue made me very aggressive while standing up for myself. (no physical violence. But i used to get very very mad at him and yell a lot) he slowly started helping me out with dd1. He is now under the impression that he is the hardest working dad ever and all other dads are douchebags who dont lend a hand to their wives at all. He has a superiority complex because he helps me. This is what he uses to score these breaks. That he works hard. Fulltime in a stressful job (im a sahm) and also helps me at home. So he has 'earned' it. Because i dont contribute to the family's economy, i feel inferior and agree that he does deserve a break from me and the kids. But the fact still remains that i never get a break. I do my job all the time (dd2 is 9 mo and still has sleep issues which keep me up ALL NIGHT sometimes. And then its back to work in the morning.) and whenever he goes away, i cover for him too.I undertand if its work related travel, but its not. I respect the need for individual space in a marriage but i feel like im getting the short end of the stick here.
M30USA Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 He "never" helped with your child, "not even one" night? What do you define as "help"?
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Good question seethingandsmiling, the answers may seem silly to you, but here they are. 1. I am nursing my lo, she wont eat from a bottle, she already is very underweight for her age so i need to make sure that she gets bm atleast until she's a year old. I am not working and i have to start from scratch. This may not be the best time 2. I am very scared to be a single mom of two children. Its my worst nightmare come true. Exactly what i had feared when i found out that i was pregnant with dd2. 3. Society. (i come from a place where these things are huge. Divorcing means its always the woman's fault and a lot of bad things will be said about me and my parents are going to be targeted too. They will come crying to me and i am not sure if i can face that) 4. I can certainly not give my children the kind of lifestyle they are used to. I want them to have the best of everything and i most definitely cannot give them what they deserve by myself. I have shed so may tears that i have none left anymore. Just pure anger and hatred towards my husband and all the people that have made my life a living hell os far.
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 After i delivered my baby, we got back home from the hospital and i was pretty much on my own. He took two weeks of paternity leave and was either always napping or applying for better jobs or outside the house doing things unrelated to the baby. He slept in a different room in the nights so his sleep is not disturbed. He would sleep through the night and then wake up and rest all day while i stayed up all night and then stayed up all morning. This is what i meant.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Can you afford to hire help? Were I you, I might simply tell my husband that's what I'm doing... Mr. Lucky
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Well Ive been on solo vacations, but I guess the difference is that my wife didnt resent it, and didnt feel like I didn't help out around the house. Sure sounds like you could use a vacation, as soon as DD2 is weaned and its practical. What would your husband say to that? Seems fair no? And you could probably use at least a week without taking care of anybody but yourself. The thing about helping out around the house is: 1: You mention a lot of fighting over those issues. That's rarely motivating for hubby to pull his share of the load. 2: Many men really don't know how much work it is. When he comes home after 8 hours at work, you're still working. What would your husband say to a situation where he's responsible for kids, cleaning, etc. for 2 hours every day after he comes home from work. And 8 hours every day in the weekend. You're not to be bothered during this time and can go out, read a book, take a bath it whatever. Would that work for you, and what would your husband say? Because I hate to say it, and I'm sure you realize it too... You guys splitting up isn't going to make it any easier on you. Quite the opposite.
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Thanks criticality. Nice to know that my husband is not doing something that no one else ever did. You know, when you are deeply troubled, sometimes its hard to tell whats normal and whats not. And that feeling is very unsettling. Know what i mean? I never fought with him about his share from the get o. He is the kind of person who will just happily chug along if things are not brought up. If i am doing all the work and wasting away without raising my voice, (polite requests are unheeded) he will just let me. Even if he sees me struggling, he will never offer a helping hand unless i ask him and the whole issue turns into a huge fight. I am really tired of this. The weekend plan, when dd2 was 15 days old, he signed up for some hobby classes which required him to be out for 8 hrs every saturday. It was a 5 month course. And when i put my foot down and asked him to cancel it, he kicked me and dd out at midnight at 30 degrees outside. Well i came back after a short while and i can stand upto myself and all that, but what kind of husband does that? I was still healing from my delivery. He did cancel his classes eventually but did so grudgingly and now im a nag because i made him do that. I kniw splitting will make it harder for me. But atleast i will kniw that he is no longer a part of our life and not really responsible anymore.
Author Frustratedwife Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Seethingandsmiling. How can i thank you? I dont know who you are and you dont know me. But what you said is exactly what i wanted to /had to hear. I always feel so depressed because seperation is not an option for me right now even though thats what i want and i feel like im stuck at a dead end with no way out. I already knew that i should just emotionally check out of this marriage and live like a roommate with him, but i never gave my thiughts an outlet. I really needed someone to kick me in the rear and tell me to do it. You didn't do the former, but you got the job done. I have made up my mind to do just that. Today, i lived like i am the only person responsible for me and my children. I took great care of them, had so much fun with them, banished negative thoughts about dh from my mind (coz he is just my roommate) and stayed happy all day. I even worked out and when i was done, i felt soooooo happy. Like im ready to take on the world. Well im sure this is not how all my days are going to be, but i hope to stay this way for the most part. Thanks again for making a sad person hopeful again. This is my only doable option now.
crederer Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Your kids will not go on without having the things they deserve if you leave. Child support will come if you do, and sure you may not have quite as much but seriously, children don't know much of a difference anyways when it comes to "stuff". I don't think there are many kids that grow up and say "man, I really wish I got that red power ranger that one time I really wanted it. That situation has really messed me up psychologically" But one thing you do hear people say is "man, I wish my parents didn't hate and disrespect eachother when I was growing up". I can assure you, no matter how well you cover these things up, kids still know, whether it's now or 10 years from now, they'll know.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 What kind of horrible, oppressive place do you live that this behavior from a man is acceptable and divorce is not?
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