Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 ....first off can I just say "Oops" because I KNOW this situation is delicate, and difficult. To cut a long story short, I met someone four years ago. Liked him but he was with someone at the time, I had loads of issues at the time....so nothing happened. I really liked him but was scared of chasing him. Met him at a Uni I was studying at- I was on a course I didn't like. SOMEHOW ended up getting a bit swept off my feet by his brother. We have always got along fabulously well but I can't say I was really attracted to him when we started dating...and I knew that but I was so damn lonely and needed to be wrapped in cotton wool by someone. This was at the same time I decided to leave my course and do the art school thing, that I've always loved and dreamed of doing....mega life-affirming decision. I have a troubled past and art school really is a therapy for me... Anyhoo I ended up with his brother for three years. The relationship was good but we always had problems with sex because I just wasn't that into him. There are other ways in which we are not suited. We ended amicably, it was friendly and (almost) mutual...he seemed to have some doubts that it was the right thing to do. He has said that it was a long time coming and seems to accept romantic interest is not a choice. BTW this is my ex's first big breakup...annoyed he lied and told me he'd had girlfriends. -_- Before we split up I realized that actually, I am really into his brother and have been....since I met him. Utter disbelief that I ignored my own feelings for so long. When I realized this I decided I absolutely had to end my relationship. Keep expecting these feelings for his brother to wane but....2 1/2 months later....I think we are possibly better suited to one another. I have this urge to tell everyone....its exhilarating and heartbreaking all at the same time. Anyhow. So now I am on NC with my ex, I have got rid of facebook so he can't look me up and torture himself. His brother seems to want to keep in touch, and is generally good at keeping in touch with distant friends. Now I KNOW I have to sit this out a while, and let the situation breathe. But its tough and I need to discuss it.... Many thanks
Ansem Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 So you want to potentially ruin the relationship between two brothers just to pursue your "love" interest? 2
Author Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 your "love" interest Ive come to learn that the word love is all too ambiguous. You are not me, you don't feel how I feel about this person...Why the skepticism? On your point that this kind of information could be very damaging to their relationship as brothers: Yes, I know... Why else am I here? I need to talk about it and decide what I feel is the best way to move forward from here. I do not think it appropriate to divulge my feelings at this point in time, but I do not think they will go away easily. I am upset that I ignored my feelings for so long, and so filled with regret that I may have ruined a chance to be with someone who I admire and means a great deal to me...who has been a close friend for four years. And whom I find deeply attractive. This upsets me more than the end of my relationship. Thus: I need to find a way of managing these feelings. Due to the 'regret' aspect I do not think that shuffling myself away and trying to forget about them again is going to work...
Ansem Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Leave them both alone, even if the brother wants you. Btw, out of curiosity when did the brother get out of his relationship or is he still involved with someone? 1
Author Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Leave them both alone, even if the brother wants you. Why? My feelings ought to be taken into account of the situation too, something I feel your advice has overlooked.
Sneaky Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 No. Love means doing what's best for them even if it hurts you, not doing whatever you want. If you pursue this brother and he does accept (which honestly would speak volumes about the kind of person he is) it would likely cause them to resent each other and cause tons of family drama. Do you honestly care that little about your ex that you are seriously considering this? I have got rid of facebook so he can't look me up and torture himself. You think finding out you're seeing his brother is going to be less torture than seeing you on facebook? You think him having to sit there at family gathering while you're on his brother's arm is going to be less torture? What? 2
Salvatore85 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Yeah this is most likely going to go really bad lol. First off his brothers a douche if he does it, second off its pretty awful that you would even entertain the idea. Now I'm not saying you're an awful person I just personally think you shouldn't attack this one, let it go and choose from one of the million other guys on the planet. I mean you already dated him for three years having no romantic interest in him, which is actually pretty mean when you think about it, don't start screwing his brother too. What's next, wanna kick him in the nuts while his whole family watches? Sheesh 2
Author Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 What...so because I dated someone for 3 years I am somehow his emotional property for ever and always?!
hurts2death Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 dont do sth like that it is wrong... what will come next date their father? i mean... just delete it from your mind and delete the thread too..
hurts2death Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 no you are not.but if you cant tell if it is crazy or not to date his brather then i believe you have some kind of personality disorder...so i would advice you to date your self first be ok and good and then go in the field for sth healthy.. i am not an expert on this disorder stuff but you must seek advice from a specialist... What...so because I dated someone for 3 years I am somehow his emotional property for ever and always?!
Author Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 I came here because this is troubling me and I need to figure out a way forward that works. Instead I just have got a blast of judgmental and prejudicial flaming. You all seem to have labeled every situation as being the same, regardless of context...objective morality doesn't exist guys. There are plenty of people who have dated siblings, or close friends of an old partner. Sometimes these relationships work out for all parties! You heartbroken lot all feel better now you've laid into somebody on the internet?! Christ.
hurts2death Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) i am 100% sure you have a disorder and it is mental illness....please take my advice seriously i have nth against you i only type to save you... you seem to not understand the meaning of morals or ethics..... i mean this situation is crazy...total sociopath action.... please take it out of your mind.... it will only do harm to all you and his family... things like he will have same genes in a level with his brother in his looks in his personality.. it will be like dating a part of your ex ... i mean its madness .. i dont want even to think about it... Girl run away and pretend you never thought of sth like that. Edited October 13, 2013 by hurts2death
Sneaky Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 What...so because I dated someone for 3 years I am somehow his emotional property for ever and always?! What does that even mean? You're not some victim here, stop trying to make yourself out to be one. You're no someone's property however putting yourself in a position where you would cause more pain to someone and his family is not an act of love and it is not morally right. The only way forward is to stop contacting this brother and to move on. Stop thinking about yourself and what you want and try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Salvatore85 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 What...so because I dated someone for 3 years I am somehow his emotional property for ever and always?! I'll just go ahead and tell you want you want to hear: Sure, go for it. It's not like his brother is going to be devastated or anything when the girlfriend he loved for three years, whom recently told him she never really found him sexually attractive, wants to start seeing his brother. What could possibly go wrong?
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 So you want to potentially ruin the relationship between two brothers just to pursue your "love" interest? Hey now.. Bro's before ho's and all that. There's no reason to assume that their relationship automatically will be "ruined" and either way, that's up for them to manage, not Birdsnests problem. What I'm curious about however is the fact that Birdsnests didn't have much sex with her ex, in a relationship that lasted THREE years. What the deuce?!? Is he ugly, or what's the story here? Not your type? Isn't sexual attraction one of the first things that spark off a relationship?
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I came here because this is troubling me and I need to figure out a way forward that works. Instead I just have got a blast of judgmental and prejudicial flaming. You all seem to have labeled every situation as being the same, regardless of context...objective morality doesn't exist guys. Meh, don't let it get to you. People give you their opinion, and occasionally some posters opinion seem tainted by years of pent up bitterness and frustrations towards the opposite sex. If you think the men are bad, wait till you see the female spinsters sighing for a "good, marriage man"! Just let the thread run its course and you'll get some more opinions...
Mcscooter Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 It's your life right, do whatever. I will point out though, if there is consequences make sure your brave enough to properly cope with the situation. Your all going to get hurt either way. From what I read. The majority of this community recommends you stay away them. Just to save their feelings and yours on the long run. I will say this though, if you do pursuit his brother. THAN EVERYONE TRUE COLORS APPEARS! I rather be handed the cold truth, than a lie that was never told. Shows him what kind of brother he is and shows him what kind of girl you are. Not being judgmental because everyone is. That is just the person you are. Everyone's going to criticize, but at the end. It is your happiness that matters, but also the madness that hides behind it. You just got to ask yourself. Is it worth it? 1
reddragon588 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I came here because this is troubling me and I need to figure out a way forward that works. Instead I just have got a blast of judgmental and prejudicial flaming. You all seem to have labeled every situation as being the same, regardless of context...objective morality doesn't exist guys. There are plenty of people who have dated siblings, or close friends of an old partner. Sometimes these relationships work out for all parties! You heartbroken lot all feel better now you've laid into somebody on the internet?! Christ. You asked for advice, you should be prepared to hear something you don't like. If you wanted a validation of your feelings then you shouldn't have asked for advice, you should have asked for validation. You are not someone's property, but I think you're looking at this with your own perspective and projecting your hopes onto the situation. You dated this man's brother for several years. You're assuming he even is interested in you. Nowhere in your posts did you hint that he might even be interested in you. If someone was dating my brother I would suppress any and all feelings I had for them, if I even had them. It would be hard to see them as anything but "my brother's ex". If you really feel that this is necessary, then go for it I guess. But understand what you're getting into. This will cause a LOT of drama and is likely to get very ugly, very fast.
Stealth3 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Bros before hoes, you know the saying. There is no future here, unless the other brother accepts you two. It might work but temporary and might ruin the relationship between two brothers. ****, I wouldnt be friends with a friend that went after my ex...let alone a brother. If they were to do that to me, they are as good as dead to me. But thats just how I am. 1
Stealth3 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Also remember that with friends, you can just ignore and move on...but with family...he will always have to run into his brother one day or another for one reason or another. You are getting yourself into a cluster**** of **** and things won't go well.
flight E Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I think you should really listen to yourself. What you are sayin that we should act on every thought and feeling. Well somethings I feel like stabbing someone. Sometimes I feel lik pouncing on some scantly clad girl on the street, he'll some times I feel like having a hard on and walkin on the street and let evry girl know I have got a big one. But I don't do it cos it's just wrong. Advise yourself. The brothers may even conspire and the one you r attracted to may shag the living daylights out of you and get your ex and his friends to watch. I know that's what I will like to plan just to humiliate a girl that thinks she can hurt my brother that way and cause hatred in my family. You better advise yourself. Advise yourself gilr
lookingforbalance Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Think about it this way: If you had two sons and this situation came up, would you want either one of them around a girl with the thought process you are entertaining?
Chi townD Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I came here because this is troubling me and I need to figure out a way forward that works. Instead I just have got a blast of judgmental and prejudicial flaming. You all seem to have labeled every situation as being the same, regardless of context...objective morality doesn't exist guys. There are plenty of people who have dated siblings, or close friends of an old partner. Sometimes these relationships work out for all parties! You heartbroken lot all feel better now you've laid into somebody on the internet?! Christ. No, you came here hoping that someone would agree with your line of reasoning and now you're upset that people are telling you that getting with his brother is a terrible idea. You're going to REALLY cause a lot of stress and problems for that family. Not only for the brother's but for the ENTIRE family. How do you think his mother would feel if she can't have both of her son's with her and their father on Thanksgiving because you'll be there? Or Christmas...You will cause a big rift in that family. Just because things ended okay between the two of you doesn't mean that he isn't in pain over the break up. 2
Ansem Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Like most people have already mentioned, you didn't come here seeking for advice nor help. You came here with a plan and sought validation for your future actions. You mentioned it yourself that you knew you had to "sit" this one out for a while and let it "breath," while your ultimate intention was to go after the brother. Sorry if I seemed judgmental towards you but in my honest opinion you deserved it. You slung around this guy for three years knowing perfectly damn well how you felt about his brother; I call bs on that you "ignored your feelings." Did a moment of opportunity arise? Is the brother recently single? You never answered my question in regards to his relationship status. 1
Author Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Have to say I LOL'd at some of your posts. No wonder you guys are struggling so much.
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