Ashj07 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Warning this is long but I really need some advice. I'm in a 8 year relationship with my boyfriend and I don't think we are meant to be. We met in high school but wasn't official until after I graduated, I was 18 he was 20. The first couple of years of our relationship was wonderful, we was in the lovely dovely stage and we were great. He was there for me when my family wasn't. He was my rock who supported me mentally and emotionally. During the years we went through financial struggle on his part and I helped him as much as I could. Sometime it was stressful for me because we were in our early twenties dealing with his financial baggage but we got through it for the most part. Now fast forward to 8 years we have been living together for a year and our relationship has stayed the same. In the beginning and throughout the relationship I felt I was missing something or experience being single after high school but I been in the relationship all this time. Our problem now is sex, I don't see him sexually attractive and when we talk about trying different things he can't do it the way I want it, so we are both frustrated. I feel like something wrong with our relationship because we don't have that connection we once had and plus I don't want to get married or have kids or move to the next step because I'm worried about feeling stuck versus of wanting to moving forward. I thought about breaking up but I'm truly afraid of being alone and not someone who I can love fully. I'm afraid not getting the support that he gives me. I'm comfortable in this relationship. I know it's a risk either way, but I don't want to feel regretful of my decision. What should I do stay or go from my 8 year relationship?
StalwartMind Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You and probably most people on this planet want to be comfortable, myself included. It seems like you are at a crossroad of not really being sure which way you want to go, as all of the paths make you have to give up something. The best advice I feel I can give you is take some time and put things into perspective, by asking yourself a series of questions such as what is it you desire from your life. I'm sure there is even more to your situation than what you wrote about having sexual frustration, as well feeling something is missing and that your interest in each other has probably faded. Some will tell you this is natural, but well each situation is unique to us as individuals. I don't know if you are having "unrealistic expectations" like you require him to bake you a cake, while wearing an apron with 3 different sounding bells that all need to ring in a certain order, while he juggles for you and pleases you sexually. I doubt most men in this world are able to perform such extravagant love tasks, but I'll admit that would be pretty awesome. Seriously though I'm not here to judge what others demand from their life and their partners, I'm much more humble myself in what I see as good traits in others and what i expect from them. I do hope that you take some time and think things through and come up with some kind of clarity so you feel you know in which direction you want to go. You owe it to yourself and him, to not live a "fake" life or settle with mediocre. We should all live grand lives, and i mean that in the sense that makes them grand to each and every one of is individually. So speak to your man, write down on paper to yourself what you think and want and come up with something. Only you can do it, but tackle the situation elegantly even if it'll lead to someones heartbreak, they deserve to be treated the best in a situation that might not be the best.
nescafe1982 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 It is so easy to settle into a relationship that is comfortable and familiar, with a man that you can get along with for the most part and with whom you have substantial history. So easy, in fact, that many twenty something women will stay in such relationships long after they cease to serve our changing needs and desires. OP, it sounds like you've grown in one direction and he in another. Its hard to end a relationship like this one because no one has done anything "wrong" and he's probably a good guy. But if you aren't happy, fulfilled, and looking forward to the future, then perhaps it's time to take a break and consider what you want for yourself. Inertia is probably one of the hardest problems to face in a relationship. But fortunately, it's simple to confront. I would recommend a separation for a trial period to allow you time to breath and think on your own. Move out. Its scary but comfortable relationships like the one you're describing can become very stifling in the long run. At the same time, I would like to ask: how much of these concerns have you brought to his attention? 1
crederer Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You probably want to explore, which is fine but the reality is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side....
Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Our problem now is sex, I don't see him sexually attractive and when we talk about trying different things he can't do it the way I want it, so we are both frustrated. I feel like something wrong with our relationship because we don't have that connection we once had and plus I don't want to get married or have kids or move to the next step because I'm worried about feeling stuck versus of wanting to moving forward. This sticks out for me....it sounds like the relationship may have run its course. And you won't be alone forever...no way..... 1
Birdsnest Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 If you aren't happy, fulfilled, and looking forward to the future, then perhaps it's time to take a break and consider what you want for yourself. Inertia is probably one of the hardest problems to face in a relationship. But fortunately, it's simple to confront. I would recommend a separation for a trial period to allow you time to breath and think on your own. Move out. Its scary but comfortable relationships like the one you're describing can become very stifling in the long run. This sounds like a good idea....if you two are 'meant to be' then you will find each other again, after you have found yourselves. 1
Author Ashj07 Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 I'll definitely will think about everybody's responses. One good thing about my relationship that we are have open communication about how we feel about the relationship. We both notice our relationship has been fading but the history we have does make it hard to go. I guess we believe and hope things will turn around and relationship will get better. I do fear my odds after working on me and eventually being in another relationship is slim to none.
conf Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 In the beginning and throughout the relationship I felt I was missing something or experience being single after high school but I been in the relationship all this time. Maybe the missing thing is the "in love" feeling. As a result you feel confused because of this feeling missing and you are thinking that this relationship is not meant to be and your partner is not someone you want to spend your life with. This feeling is pretty normal to fade after the first 3-24 months of the relationship. (Obviously you dont know that as this relationship seems to be your first LTR) But is it true that your partner is not meant to be your life partner? You said that you get and give support, you did not mentioned any trust or respect issues. You characterized the relationship as comfortable which is not bad as it means stability and compatibility. To me it seems like a healthy relationship. Maybe the perspective about something missing is draining you and this causes and the problem with sex. Think of it, if you are pessimistic you will see a half filled glass as empty PS. I really can not understand why everyone here is so sure that the relationship has run its course
nescafe1982 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) I'll definitely will think about everybody's responses. One good thing about my relationship that we are have open communication about how we feel about the relationship. We both notice our relationship has been fading but the history we have does make it hard to go. I guess we believe and hope things will turn around and relationship will get better. I do fear my odds after working on me and eventually being in another relationship is slim to none. And I can totally relate to that fear.. I was in a seven year relationship much like the one in your original post, and I was terrified that if I left my comfortable (but completely unfulfilling) relationship that I would never find love again. My friends complained that I sounded like an old maid. I was 28. And that was utter and complete falsehood. I would tell myself that lie so often that I wholly believed it at the time, but in hindsight I think I was just so scared that it was an easy fiction to believe. To the poster who asked why so many folks are saying it sounds like OP has outgrown her relationship, it's because many, many twenty something young women find themselves in relationships that go on for years and years without forward momentum. At some point most (not all, but most) want the relationship to progress into something lifelong. If her partner doesn't make a commitment during that critical time, a lot of women will feel resentful, cheated, or like they wasted time. Many more, though, will continue to "wait," believing that they shouldn't give up on a guy five minutes before he decides to commit. This "waiting" can be very long term. And the longer a woman waits, the more she might buckle down and commit even harder (perhaps to inspire him to do the same, or maybe to 'throw good money after bad.') Anyway, after 5+ years, many of the young women who have done this kind of hopeful (and too often hopeless) waiting talk about their relationship in terms of 1) convenience, 2) fatalism, and 3) disappointment paired with 4) a masochistic sense of being 'incapable' of making a man commit or love them enough to make that change. Actually, #4 is probably the biggest symptom of a "waiting woman." They continually engage in negative self talk about their 'failures' in the relationship, as though taking responsibility for a man's unwillingness to commit will absolve him of that same responsibility. Usually such woman are passive, but otherwise good partners. But they usually date men who do not take responsibility for their own role in the relationship... Leaving the man complacent and the woman wistfully unfulfilled. It cripples a woman's self esteem, this fatalistic waiting. And what is more (hint for OP), waiting for the right man, the right commitment, and waiting for a man to change is not 'virtuous or loving behavior. It's passive and self denying, codependent at best, and self destructive at its worst. Don't wait for a man to change. Find a man that doesn't need changing, in other words. Indeed (and I hate to even out this idea out there because this happens rarely) a man who is reminded that your presence in his life depends on his ability to be a good partner can sometimes change radically. This guy? He sounds complacent, aware of OPs low self esteem and doesn't seem like he's helping. If Op asserts distance, he may snap to. In the meantime she can decipher whether he is who she wants to be with. Edited October 13, 2013 by nescafe1982
FitChick Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 He's become a habit. It's easier to settle for convenience than to grow as a person. If you stay, you will get pregnant and around 40 leave him and the kids saying you never had a chance to explore life and have felt trapped.
nescafe1982 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 If you stay, you will get pregnant and around 40 leave him and the kids saying you never had a chance to explore life and have felt trapped. Or, he feels the same way (that this is a relationship of convenience), eventually one of you will meet someone else, have an emotional affair that turns physical, and break up badly. If that sounds like a stretch, don't. I've watched it happen easily a dozen times with many of my friends over the course of my twenties (and yes, it happened to me too).
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