shineslikegold Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I've asked this everywhere, have spoken with my therapist, friends, and coworkers, and no one can really agree on a clear answer for why my ex is doing what he's doing. Maybe one of you can help! I apologize for how long this is...but I want to explain everything. I was introduced to this guy (WD, who is in the Navy) by the security guard at the college I work at (Brian). He asked me out, and we started dating. He was such a nice guy - took me out everywhere, bought me flowers for no reason, sent me good morning texts. You know the deal - new relationship stuff. He would tell his friends how I was the greatest woman he ever met, and would always tell me we would be happy for a long time. He told me he loved me (while drunk) after about a month, and I told him I wasn't ready to say the same thing back. He understood (I think). I also explained to him that I had been raped as a teenager and had been used for sex by every guy I have ever been with, so I wanted to wait a little before we had sex. We waited about 6 weeks before we finally did, which I can tell irritated him to wait so long. After about 2 months I started to notice he was pulling the slow fade - not texting as much, starting to stand up plans, the whole deal. I told Brian about it all, and he talked to WD, who told him that if he was going to break up with me, he would just do it - not pull the slow fade bull. WD was only my second boyfriend, and I still remember my first boyfriend abruptly dumping me. I was scared it was going to happen again, so I tried to brace for it once the slow fade started. He was "too busy" to hang out with me on my birthday, but not too busy to get drunk with Brian and his roommate (Jerry) the night before and leave me a drunk text message. The next week we went on vacation to visit his aunt/uncle/cousin about 2 hours away. We had a pretty good time, but he spent the entire time talking about how he was going to buy a house there and I would have to visit him. I felt kind of like, "Uh, what?" but didn't let it ruin my time. Around this time he met this girl, Kate, when he was at his friend's apartment. His friend tried to get with her, but she was more interested in WD. He also started to drink moonshine. He's Irish and was always a big drinker when I was around, but never moonshine. When we got back from vacation I could tell things were slipping away. I tried to salvage the relationship, and did things like treat him to the movies and offer to cook him dinner. One night when I was at his house, Jerry (the roommate, who is an older guy) got my cell number and I started texting him my worries about the relationship. On August 1st, WD came to school to go on a leave of absence "for military orders." He was extremely cold to me when he saw me, so much so that all my coworkers remarked that he was a jerk. I defended him, but I knew something was up. Jerry showed him the text I sent him about me being afraid he was going to end things, and WD texted me that we needed to take a break because I was lying to him and talking smack. Even though I was bracing for this, it destroyed me. I begged him to forgive me and give me another chance. My dad ended up going into the hospital around this time for his cancer, and I told Jerry. I didn't tell WD though, because I knew he would say I only told him to make him feel guilty. When he finally responded about a week later, he told me he had to think about it and would let me know. I promised to leave him alone, as hard as that was. One night I drove to his house to see if he would talk to me, and he opened the door with another girl, who he said was his sister. A week later he blocked me on Facebook. No text, call, nothing. It was also perfect timing, since his birthday was a few days away. I had ordered him customized whiskey glasses with his family crest (to match his tattoo), so I left them with Jerry with a note apologizing and telling him that I really did love him, but I was too scared to say it. Jerry gave them to him, and told me later that he had a smile from ear to ear when he read the note and saw what he got. I decided I needed to move on, so I made an online dating profile and set up a date. I told Jerry about the date, and the next day WD texted me and invited me out to breakfast with him and Jerry. It was extremely awkward. Later on when I asked why he invited me, he asked why I came. I told him, "because I wanted to see you" and he responded "same here." We texted about our relationship, and found out that the issues we had with each other were very minor and could have been solved if either of us spoke up. I told him I knew he never loved me, because he wouldn't have broken up with me after one mistake. A few days later I set up another date. I told Jerry about this one (he had become someone to confide in since he wanted us to get back together as well), and WD texted me about his new girl, and insulted the guy I was going out with. He then invited me over to his house, and when I called him, he denied having a new girl. I went over to speak with him, truly believing he had reconsidered. We slept together, and he told me he still loved me. The next day, he disconnected his cell phone. He had also sent Kate money (she lives about 1,200 miles away), and she arrived in town to stay with him. His new phone was under her plan, and he was paying the bill. I was destroyed when I found out, because yet again, I was used by a guy who I trusted. Still, I left him alone and didn't try to contact him. Then I found out that his "sister" was a hooker that he was with. A week after we slept together, he messaged me on Facebook. He denied remembering that we slept together, and told me that he was no longer "physically, mentally, or emotionally attracted" to me. When I demanded to know why he slept with me and told me he still loved me, he accused me of starting crap, and when I asked how his new gf would like to know, he told me I was a sad person if I thought I was going to interfere in his business. We left on an okay note, mostly because I was too much of a wuss to tell him what a tool he was. This is where it gets interesting. Jerry has kept me updated on the situation. Kate stayed in town (her dad lives here) for about 4 weeks with her 3 year old daughter. They fought constantly, and when they weren't fighting, he was buying her weed and getting drunk off of moonshine. He was so stressed out by her daughter always crying that he asked Jerry for anxiety medicine one day. He would also refuse to give her gas money or a key to the house, and when he went to work he would often leave her alone with her daughter. One day he disappeared and no one knew where he was, and Kate made the comment to Jerry that he might be with me. One night, WD asked Jerry why he didn't invite me over to dinner (in a not sarcastic way). WD also would ask Jerry every few days if he still talked to me. WD also started drinking a mason jar of moonshine a day, and wouldn't clean things or even shower. He was always an extremely clean person when I was with him, and even spent $1,500 on a fancy vacuum to keep the rugs clean. Kate also apparently doesn't shower much, and did nothing but bum off him and complain. After about 10 blow up fights, Kate finally went back home. About 4 days later she disconnected his phone after finding out about the hooker, and changed her number. She has since had it turned back on, but his new number is an area code from her town, and she even told Jerry she was going to have it monitored. He pays for everything for her, including her rent. Jerry then asked WD to move out (Jerry owns the house, and WD rented half of it), because he was being completely disrespected and was furious over what WD did to me. Ever since she went home, every night WD would drink a mason jar of moonshine by himself, and then pass out on the floor in the living room. During the time he was away from school, WD lost contact with Brian. Brian deleted his number and told me that WD was an ******* for what he did, and he wanted no part of him. WD came back to school about 2 weeks ago, but I was on vacation the first day of class. Brian is the night security guard, and WD is now on day classes, but Brian was covering days when WD came back. He immediately took Brian to the side and offered him moonshine. Brian asked him how he could do what he did to me, and WD told him that he couldn't stand that I would text him nonstop. He gave him his new number, and told Brian that he had to change it because I was harassing him constantly after the breakup. He also told Brian that he overheard a conversation between Jerry and I, and that he got kicked out of the house because I was moving in. He went home and told Jerry that the receptionist told him that I was moving in with Jerry. He also told Jerry he hoped he didn't have to see me ever again, and that he was going to sneak in the side door so he didn't have to see me. He moved out the next day after selling everything that he owned. Since I have been back to work I have seen him every day. The first day when I walked past his class, he looked right at me. We have caught him looking at my reflection in the elevator, but when he walks past me he pulls out his cell phone and starts scrolling through it to avoid looking at me. A few days after he started class, he called Brian one night when I was working at the front desk next to him. Brian mentioned that I was sitting there, and he told Brian that he had called me to curse me out and tell me to stop harassing him and his girlfriend. When I yelled at Brian for believing him, he told me to move on. Ever since the breakup, and especially now that he has moved out, he talks a lot of smack to Jerry and Brian about me. Brian has also suspiciously started bringing him up more often, which I am wondering whether it is a way to fish for information. He went from "Jenn, move on and don't think about him," to asking if I know anything new about him or if I'm still hanging out with Jerry. As for him and Kate, he told Jerry that he has never been happier, and that I never did anything nice for him. His way of dealing with things that he lost is to bash them - when Jerry told him to move out, he started talking about how terrible the house and neighborhood were. We think he is doing the same with me. He also says he is marrying her next year, even though she has written on Facebook that she doesn't want to come here anymore because she "has nothing here." What is the deal here? What is wrong with this guy's head? Does he have some kind of guilt over what he did? He frequently asks Jerry if he still talks to me, but when Jerry called him out on it and asked why he cared, he simply said, "I don't!" He then called me pathetic for hanging out with a guy as old as Jerry is. I have no desire to get back together with him, but it's very difficult for me to get closure when he did me the way that he did. Could it all be the moonshine messing with his brain? Why is he telling so many lies about me?
leftfordead2 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 First things first, how old are you guys? It sounds like you guys are still in high school because that is so much drama. If you guys are still in high school, I would say just ignore him and move on!
dolita Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 After reading your essay about WD, i can tell that you make him the center of the universe. You make up a lot of excuses for his bad behaviors towards you, perhaps you're looking for the answer you wanna hear. You said you asked 'everywhere' for advice. I can kinda understand why WD said you were harassing him. I'm sure people are tired of you explaining every detail of your past relationship and dissecting every behavior. You said he bought you flowers and chased after you and stuff, of course, my dad told me guys always want to achieve, they love the sense of accomplishment, especially with girls. After they got you, it raised their self value and lowered yours. Why he is into Kate when she is cruel but he is so hateful with you is simple. Why are you still into him when he is cruel to you? The attractive thing here is, Kate is willing to drop him, you won't. He is willing to drop you, you won't. When a guy like this leaves you, you can even throw a party and say thank God, my mind is now free. If you think we can always read minds in life, if you think you can dissect someone's behaviors, you are going to suffer with a lot of headache. Nothing in life is permanent, nothing, especially the so called love. One day your mom can be happy and says she will buy you that car, the next day she will think what the hell was I thinking saying that lol? I know it is painful, I am sorry. But I am tired of seeing people repeating my past mistakes. If he has the will and power to hurt you, to dump you, to insult you with no guilt. Have the will and power to leave him behind. 1
Author shineslikegold Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks dolita. I definitely do focus way too much on him. However, the "asked everywhere" for advice really meant that I asked friends, my therapist, and a few online forums. He said I was harassing him and his gf by texting them/Facebook messaging them nonstop. It's just really difficult for me to get closure without knowing why people do the cruel things that they do. I know I'll likely never get an answer from this situation, which I think is why I focus on it so much.
dolita Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 my dear shineslikegold, I know you are holding in a lot hence the long post on this forum. I never knew the reason why myself. But who put you in this situation? clueless and helpless and painful. He does these things because he belittles you. We love someone because we perceive them as high value. it's that simple, no sacred love, no true hollywood love, no nothing. Humans are still humans, it all comes down to the ego and selfishness. But you can be bigger than that, you can have a big heart to let everything go, right now, at this second, if you really want to. I used to cry every night, the pain was unbearable, until one night, when I feel hurt and clueless and blindsided, I told my brain :"this is why I want to erase all of this, not holding on to it". One day I sat with a monk and I suddenly realize everything is nothing in life, nothing is forever.
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