So he called to see me after 2 1/2 months

[Daisy2013]

Since he dumped me out of guilt end of July after 2 years together, he has called once or twice per week as my friend. We kept conversations clean, and he'd said he couldn't see me because of his feelings for me. So this past week, he asked me to meet him and curiosity got the best of me.

 

Same old story ... "I love you, I miss you. I think of you everyday, not just sexually, but 'just you'." He said not to be sad that we love each other but can't be together, and to live on my memories of us together. He is 55 and I am 44 and he won't divorce as it would be his third and can't go through another one, or put his kids through it, although they are grown and aren't his wife's kids. And she doesn't even have a great R with them. He says when they come to family dinner, after eating, she leaves the room and doesn't converse, and wasn't loving to them in their teen years. I've heard others say that as well about how she treated them.

 

He said he wants to make love to me, and I said in the two years we were together he wouldn't, so I didn't believe him. He said he would continue to think his way and I could mine. He said he hadn't wanted it to be a quickie in the front seat of his F-150, and is too chicken for a hotel and also it is hard for him to get away to spend quality time with me. Our time was a stolen hour once a week, sometimes twice. He also said he would like to pleasure me if I would allow it if I saw him again. We were sexual, just not all the way. His guilt I suppose.

 

I asked him if he was being intimate with his wife and he laughed and said recently she came onto him, first time in a year. He said a year ago on their 2 week vacation she wouldn't even do it then. He's never lied to me so I can only assume it's the truth as he could have said no. I told him go home and perhaps he could get lucky again and he said he didn't want to be with her, but with me, and didn't want it that night with her as he didn't want to ruin the memory of our time together that night with sex with her.

 

What's the deal? We had reached a good point and I was at peace. Strangely, I am still at peace and do not find myself pining or hoping. In fact, really no desire to start up again. I think my heart has taken all it can, his guilt break-ups every few months, getting back together, etc. this was the longest we'd ever been apart. It seemed every time we got a little closer and he gave more of himself emotionally, he'd dump me, then come back.

 

But why would he do this...tell me these things...and especially if she gave him sex? I would think he'd have no need for me.

Edited October 13, 2013 by Daisy2013

[RickFox]

Because vanilla gets boring after so long and when you can grab a bite of chocolate chocolate chip..... well...... You grab a big old bite

[hippetyhop]

 

What's the deal? We had reached a good point and I was at peace. Strangely, I am still at peace and do not find myself pining or hoping. In fact, really no desire to start up again. I think my heart has taken all it can, his guilt break-ups every few months, getting back together, etc. this was the longest we'd ever been apart. It seemed every time we got a little closer and he gave more of himself emotionally, he'd dump me, then come back.

 

But why would he do this...tell me these things...and especially if she gave him sex? I would think he'd have no need for me.

 

He just wants the deed. That is why he kept you around to keep talking to you. He wanted to keep a way for you to be in contact with him so he can still get in your pants. He had to play nice with wifey for a bit, and that got boring. Unless they are in MC or really have some kind of heart to heart/laying EVERYTHING on the table, xMP (not just men) will go out to hunt for more. It may not be you, but it will be someone.

[KathyM]

Sounds like a very conflicted man who feels a lot of guilt, but it's not enough to stay away from a woman who is willing to do it with him. You need to cut this loser out of your life. He's just looking for a little action on the side, and he'll tell you whatever you need to hear to get you to drop your panties. Don't believe a word of what a lying, deceiving, cheater says to you. He is lying, deceiving and cheating on his wife. He's crossed that moral barrier to get what he wants.

[Daisy2013]

Thank you for your replies. I understand what each of you are saying. I have no plans to pick back up. It has been a long and painful journey these past 2 years and I've just reached the point of getting to some indifference. I'm determined to stay this way. Something happened inside of me when he "ditched" me this time and I'm not getting back on the carousel. It feels this part of me has died.

[Daisy2013]

You are gullible so he Is feeding you the cheesy OM lines.

 

You need to work on yourself. Women with good self esteem pay no attention to men like this guy.

 

Yes, thank you. Up until this R, I thought I had self esteem. And he always tells me I'm strong. Honestly, I suppose I've been afraid to tell him to hit the road fearing he would. He won't fight. That's where self esteem comes in, gonna go find some. Thanks again.

[Daisy2013]

 

But, aside from all that, if I was you - I would try my damnedest to leave it. Not because you don't love him, or he doesn't love you - but because he's right - we can't always be with the person we love. Sometimes, we have to be somewhere else with someone else for a lot of reasons, and that's okay - not ideal, not really fair, but doable and something you can learn to live with eventually. IF - you get some distance.

 

Thank you. I understand. I think he does love me the best way he can. Why stick around. It is too easy to find another woman who would just play, wanting nothing else. Why insist that I believe him and go through the trouble. He is handsome and has a charming personality and it wouldn't be difficult for him to find a playmate, instead of repeating all of this "I love you" dialogue. I'm not a player and my heart was in it from the start. I have distanced and will continue to do so. I'd rather live with the memories than the constant pain. You know the saying, It is better to have love and lost than not love at all.

[cif]

I would let him take me to a nice dinner, even nicer hotel, pleasure me like he said he would like to, get up get dressed, thank him and leave. Swear that's what id do.

[Daisy2013]

LoL!!!! I nearly spit out my tea onto my iPad!! There will never be a dinner or hotel, much too public and "scary" for him. But, I have certainly had similar thoughts re the remainder.

[Scott Thomas]

Why did he call you?

Maybe he wants sex.

Since I can't read his mind, I'll have to speculate by basing my guess on my prior experience as an OM and the posts on this forum.

 

You said you two were sexual but not all the way?

So you're implying you two never had a full blown out affair involving s**?

 

How're things with your husband? Last time I checked you were thinking about leaving...

[Daisy2013]

Why did he call you?

Maybe he wants sex.

Since I can't read his mind, I'll have to speculate by basing my guess on my prior experience as an OM and the posts on this forum.

 

You said you two were sexual but not all the way?

So you're implying you two never had a full blown out affair involving s**?

 

How're things with your husband? Last time I checked you were thinking about leaving...

 

Thanks for your post. If he were with me for sex, why not go for it after in these 2 1/2 years? He is just now getting more serious about it. But, he will not spring for a hotel or private place and I'll be darn if I will do that in his pick-up truck. All he does is tell me he loves me but cannot go through another D. And when I see him, he is very conscious of time so he can get home before W calls his cell looking for him and to be sure my make-up doesn't get on his clothes. He is very confusing. He doesn't "date" me or "woo" me, just spends a little time with me telling me things and wanting to be physical but no actual sex.

 

My M is the same, we exist. I've tried talking, but it didn't go well. I'm married to a man-child (I posted in the D/breakup section about our R some time back). I guess I will find out what happens after the youngest graduates in 2 years. For now, I need what little financial support he offers as I can't pay mortgage, tuition, and bills by myself.

[thecharade]

We are women trying to understand men. Not sure it can be done, honestly. But . . .

 

He is in a ho hum M. Problems? Who knows. It doesn't matter. This is fun (meaningful/fulfilling) for him, for whatever reason, and when his W finds out, his fun is over. His logical side takes charge and he's done. The reasons won't and don't matter so there's no point in analyzing. Men FEEL (and maybe really do) that they lose all in a D, so a D ain't happening. Men don't get D if at all possible. Just look at the stats. His reasons and issues and feelings don't matter; he'll sell you down the river to keep Mrs. Status Quo, and that's ALL you need to know.

[Scott Thomas]

Thanks for your post. If he were with me for sex, why not go for it after in these 2 1/2 years? He is just now getting more serious about it. But, he will not spring for a hotel or private place and I'll be darn if I will do that in his pick-up truck. All he does is tell me he loves me but cannot go through another D. And when I see him, he is very conscious of time so he can get home before W calls his cell looking for him and to be sure my make-up doesn't get on his clothes. He is very confusing. He doesn't "date" me or "woo" me, just spends a little time with me telling me things and wanting to be physical but no actual sex.

 

My M is the same, we exist. I've tried talking, but it didn't go well. I'm married to a man-child (I posted in the D/breakup section about our R some time back). I guess I will find out what happens after the youngest graduates in 2 years. For now, I need what little financial support he offers as I can't pay mortgage, tuition, and bills by myself.

 

Do you want to work on your marriage? Have you sought any professional help?

[Daisy2013]

Do you want to work on your marriage? Have you sought any professional help?

 

Honestly, I do not know. I'm trying. Some days I just want to end it. Our M has not been good, H has never made us a priority in our R. I have a long thread in the D and S thread about it. I feel like I'm living with a roommate and I don't know how to fix it.

 

No, I have not been to real counseling. I have a friend who is a Christian marriage and family counselor try to help, but it got sticky. We had to stop. It was difficult to share things knowing my feelings are against all we believe and I could tell she was getting frustrated with me because I couldn't let go.

[wannabdone]

Since he dumped me out of guilt end of July after 2 years together, he has called once or twice per week as my friend. We kept conversations clean, and he'd said he couldn't see me because of his feelings for me. So this past week, he asked me to meet him and curiosity got the best of me.

 

Same old story ... "I love you, I miss you. I think of you everyday, not just sexually, but 'just you'." He said not to be sad that we love each other but can't be together, and to live on my memories of us together. He is 55 and I am 44 and he won't divorce as it would be his third and can't go through another one, or put his kids through it, although they are grown and aren't his wife's kids. And she doesn't even have a great R with them. He says when they come to family dinner, after eating, she leaves the room and doesn't converse, and wasn't loving to them in their teen years. I've heard others say that as well about how she treated them.

 

He said he wants to make love to me, and I said in the two years we were together he wouldn't, so I didn't believe him. He said he would continue to think his way and I could mine. He said he hadn't wanted it to be a quickie in the front seat of his F-150, and is too chicken for a hotel and also it is hard for him to get away to spend quality time with me. Our time was a stolen hour once a week, sometimes twice. He also said he would like to pleasure me if I would allow it if I saw him again. We were sexual, just not all the way. His guilt I suppose.

 

I asked him if he was being intimate with his wife and he laughed and said recently she came onto him, first time in a year. He said a year ago on their 2 week vacation she wouldn't even do it then. He's never lied to me so I can only assume it's the truth as he could have said no. I told him go home and perhaps he could get lucky again and he said he didn't want to be with her, but with me, and didn't want it that night with her as he didn't want to ruin the memory of our time together that night with sex with her.

 

What's the deal? We had reached a good point and I was at peace. Strangely, I am still at peace and do not find myself pining or hoping. In fact, really no desire to start up again. I think my heart has taken all it can, his guilt break-ups every few months, getting back together, etc. this was the longest we'd ever been apart. It seemed every time we got a little closer and he gave more of himself emotionally, he'd dump me, then come back.

 

But why would he do this...tell me these things...and especially if she gave him sex? I would think he'd have no need for me.

 

 

I briefly read through a few others posts to your original post. And I have to say I agree with most of them.

 

I think one thing that is most important here is honesty, with the number one person.... YOU. You say that you are no longer "pining or hoping", and you have "no desire to start up again".... Hmmm, I have to say I'm not buying it. If that were the case, why come on here and post these questions? Why even care?? I'm not trying to be hateful, but you will never, and I mean never be able to really heal and improve upon yourself if you don't start being honest with yourself. Really all you are doing is the same thing he is, saying one thing, but showing actions in another way. So, first step, admit what it is you feel, what you want. If you want him to leave and run to you.... say it. If you miss him and your heart broken, say it!!! You will get some negative ppl on here, but who cares. Admitting and being honest with yourself will only help yourself accept things and come to a place of peace.

 

I know, I have been there, it is first nature to worry about what they are thinking, why they are thinking what they are thinking, why they say what they say, if they are lying or being honest, and so on. But try to start worry about the most important person... YOU. You tend to lose yourself in these relationships. Try to start thinking about why YOU think what you are thinking, and why you are thinking that way, why you say what you say, and if you are being honest or lying (as I mentioned above). This is the ONLY piece of the puzzle that you will only be able to figure out.

 

Ever heard people say "you can't understand crazy"? This is so true! Unfortunately, no matter whether both of the parties love each other truly and deeply, and are soul mates, or if one of both parties are just using the other for a piece.... we can ALL agree that these relationships are nothing more than CRAZY MAKING. Therefore, all of the questions that we have of why they say or do things, will never make 100% sense to us, because we just are hardwired to understand crazy. So just understand that you are trying to figure out something, that you will never figure out.

 

As far as him, is he sleeping with her or not? I would safely say yes, he is. They all are. Its just as simple as that. I have been foolish enough to believe that my XMM wasn't. (and please understand this is not me coming from being bad or bitter place).... its just an impossible idea to think that two people who live in the same house, and have had sex in the past, and have loved each other in the past or might still love each other, are not having sex from time to time. It just is what it is. I'm not quite sure why we (especially women) gets so bent out of shape with the thought of whether or not their MM is sleeping with their wife. I mean it is their spouse. So why are we okay that they have a woman who they spend their nights and weekends with, wears a symbol of their commitment on their finger, have their children, go on vacations with them, and share their last name... but we get all crazy over the thought if they are sleeping with this person. When if we really stepped away and wasn't in the "storm" we would all assume and know that from time to time 90% of married people will sleep together at some point, no matter how bad the marriage is. Fact is, most people even when they are separated and living in different locations, and have filed for divorce will sleep together at least once while the divorce hearings are going on.

 

On the note that another poster talked about was him telling you how to feel or what you could do, and what memories you could carry forward.... you combine that with his back and forth in your life, and he will call you a couple of times "as friends" and then he wants to see you, and he wants to pleasure you... and on and on and on.... it seems like your post is filled with a lot of what he says and he wants, and not a whole lot about you. Why is he not asking what it is your feeling, or what would you like, or what would you like to carry on with what memories??? He seems very selfish by your post.

 

I will say this 9 out of 10 times in the posts I put..... ACCEPTANCE IS PEACE. Accept what this is, in REALITY. Not what we like to make our reality. But what it really is. He is married, and it is not to you. He can give you an hour or two a week at best, and he will be in and out of your life depending on HIS guilt and HIS feelings, he probably does love you at some level (that is not for anyone on her to judge what that is), and you obviously love him. He probably loves his wife on some level, he is probably sleeping with her from time to time, he is not leaving, and this is what it is. Accept this is what it is, accept what your feelings and thoughts are, and accept that this is what it will be. And if you want to stay, you have the choice, and if you don't, then you have that choice as well. But accept what it is, and then you will gain peace.

 

It may change, it may not, but if you accept what it is and you then choose to stay... it won't matter if it changes or not, because you are okay with what it is. And above anything, worry about you, love you, and figure you out. Because THAT is the only thing/person you can change!

 

(((((HUGS))))))