Unromantic Boyfriend-what do I do?

[Els]

Some guys just don't do that kind of stuff.

 

My exes weren't the gifty or romantic types either. My birthdays were usually forgotten altogether and valentines day and christmas were non-existent.

 

 

 

Phoe, did you actually tell them you wanted them to celebrate your birthday and vday, or did you act like it was unimportant to you?

 

If anyone makes such a simple request to their partner and it goes ignored (seriously, there are so many ways to set reminders nowadays, it just takes 5 seconds! and maybe 20 minutes to get a gift or a bouquet!), it simply shows lack of care and effort, really. Not just 'lack of romance'.

[jcrew11]

Hello, first time poster here. I've been having issues with my boyfriend not being romantic. He's 30 years old and I'm 25, but this is our first serious relationship. We are both working professionals and have been dating for two years.

 

Throughout our relationship, he hasn't been one to verbalize his feelings. I was the first one to say I love you, and he only really says it to me when I initiate it. He never tells me I'm beautiful/attractive... He doesn't really like to kiss, either.

 

He has only bought flowers once for me (the first Valentines we were together), and I believe he did it begrudgingly because his girl friends hassled him into doing it. He never planned anything for my past two birthdays, and didn't get me a gift the past year. Our first Christmas together, he regifted me a book a friend had given him...he says this was an accident and he just meant to give it to me at a later date (he says he kept all the stuff set aside for me in the box).

 

I've stopped altogether in getting in cards for him, because 1) the last time I wrote him one for Valentine's Day, he hadn't read it until a month or two afterward and 2) he has never written me a card before.

 

For our past two-year anniversary, we planned to go out for a meal, which he did pay and make reservations for. However, we also went because they were offering a dinner special during those two weeks. It was also the place we went when we celebrated Valentine's Day three months late... For our anniversary, I bought tickets to see a show for us. I know he doesn't like material items, so I figured I could plan events for us instead.

 

He is a genuinely nice guy; he has a big heart and has a very practical mind. He'll help me fix my computer, car, etc., but I just want to see him doing something that he wouldn't do for other people in his life (i.e. romance). He is very helpful to everyone he knows.

 

Also, I would say that we are pretty equal in splitting expenses, so I am by no means mooching off of him. I take good care of him, and am always getting things that I know he likes.

 

My question is...what do I do? I know he loves me, and I feel silly for feeling this strongly about something like flowers or a card. I have told him about this and he is well aware of how I feel. I can understand if I were asking for jewelry or a huge bouquet of flowers, but I am not. I think that if he knew how these small things are important to me, why doesn't he try? What's the breaking point? I love him, but I do not how much of this I can handle...is it always going to be like this? Help!

 

Make him watch some romantic comedies or SATC.

But if he is poor, he might also not want to spend much money on gifts.

I don't really think romantic stuff matters, unless you just want an excuse to dump him.

[NoMoreJerks]

Make him watch some romantic comedies or SATC.

But if he is poor, he might also not want to spend much money on gifts.

I don't really think romantic stuff matters, unless you just want an excuse to dump him.

well, if he's that poor that he can't even afford to buy her a present twice a year, once on her birthday and once for Christmas, then the real question is: should he even be dating/be in a relationship!?!?!

[Leigh 87]

Make him watch some romantic comedies or SATC.

But if he is poor, he might also not want to spend much money on gifts.

I don't really think romantic stuff matters, unless you just want an excuse to dump him.

 

 

 

My ex would at least pick me flowers, or get a chainsaw that was in his old mans garage and go but down a part of a tree that was shaped like a love heart for V day.

 

He wasn't the most romantic guy towards me but it was nice to be walking with him, and for him to just randomly pick a small flower for me.

 

Look, if a guy is not doing ANY random acts of kindness, then it is VERY LIKELY that it is not him; it's you.

 

Most guys, if they are crazy about a girl, they will at least do SOMETHING regularly and consistently.

 

It does not have to be "romantic" in nature, and can be something like: buying you a DVD you had gone on about, taking out your trash for you, paying for a nice dinner date that they randomly planned for you without you expecting it (okay that " romantic"), umm...

 

Building you a book holder if you're an avid reader or in college with textbooks is a classic example of doing a really loving thing without being soppy and romantic.

 

My ex was really into cars, as were his friends. I am the type of girl who is really interested in every subject matter. I really wanted to learn more about cars, but he couldn't be buggard explaining too much, especially in front of his friends...

 

Therefore, a really romantic yet NON corny thing to do would have been to buy me a cool book on cars on the basics with nice pictures in it, since he KNEW I loved to read and learn new things, and I seemed very interested in leaning more about cars.

 

 

 

...Guys who do nothing are either:

 

 

- not particularly nice people. They do not really get off much on other peoples pleasure

 

- they are just not that into you, and would do nice things for a girl if they were crazy about her.

[Leigh 87]

well, if he's that poor that he can't even afford to buy her a present twice a year, once on her birthday and once for Christmas, then the real question is: should he even be dating/be in a relationship!?!?!

 

 

I am a STUDENT and yet I could afford small acts of kindness towards my ex.

 

For instance, his mother recently passed away:( They were very close, and he has a memorial site in his room for her..

 

HIs favourite colour is yellow, so if I saw discount flowers when I was at the mall, I would buy his and her favourite flowers to put in a vase in the memorial area of his room... Only cost 2 bucks sometimes.

 

I would get he silliest yet cheapest gifts. Whenever I could.

 

If a student can do it, anyone has time to make a simple card for someone you are madly in love with. Sheesh.

[Leigh 87]

Let me tell you something I did last birthday for my ex.

 

I am a student and have no extra money.

 

Okay, so.. His mother, who decently died, made him a thing called ham rolls". Made by rolling regular sandwich slices around ham, and then putting sour cream and paprika and cheese mantled on top.

 

He hates cake, so I made him a " ham roll" cake. A series of ham rolls, like his mother would make, in the shape of a cake with sour cream for the icing.

 

It was a midnight snack; he asked me to please get him something.

 

Anyway I am feeling like crying now remember these things about him:(

 

Look though, even on a budget, nothing could stop me from showing that guy how much I loved him.

[ascendotum]

Did your exes learn how to drive a car? Or eat with knife and fork?

 

Then SURELY they can learn to get you something two or three times a year.

It's not like you're teaching how to juggle or origami or some other tricky ****.

 

Ok, birthdays can be hard to remember. Lets give them a pass on that. But Valentines Day? Surely he must have noticed big, pink ****ing hearts and balloons going up in all the stores, and everyone buying chocolates?!?

 

Everyone who says "Meh, some people just aren't romantic..." No? But they can pretend. I'm pretty sure the boyfriend learned to put the seat down (or up) cause she was riding his ass about it all the time, so surely he can learn to feign interest and appreciation for his girlfriend by

 

A: Buying cards and presents when everybody else around them is, and

B: Get some flowers. Just once in awhile. Like every time he puts new oil in the car, for example!

 

The only reason they're not gifty types is probably cause every girl they've ever been with, gave them a pass on it.

 

I bet there's a few guys here thinking WhereTF are girls like the OP & Phoe when it comes to finding an easy going gf.

 

Guys like the OP's bf are a good case for why women can be a bit wary of guys his age that have little relationship experience. This guy's clueless on what it means to be a loving bf. I did say wary not why they should not give such guys a go, which from hearing numerous women's conversations seems to be based more on not ending up being charity gf with 'the fish john west reject' type guy.

 

Like someone else said for a guy like this you got to sit him down and spell it out to him what your expectations are for him to be your bf. You got to get him to acknowledge that he's up to the task otherwise tell him you are not feeling the love, and its bye bye. If you don't do it he will he never realize and will not change his ways, and your sad feelings will only increase with each year. As for him not kissing you, wow what a deal breaker for so many others....even for guys who kiss but don't do it well. How about you passionately kiss him to kick start things.

 

Criticality - I see it different. Remembering a birthday means much more than getting an cliche obligatory present for the BS commercialized V-day. I do agree with you that you can teach your partner (most) how you expect to be treated...though it should happen in the early days of the relationship.

[Leigh 87]

ascendotum - but the thing is, most men who are acting this way like in the OP's case, DO change for a girl they like enough.

 

Sure, there are some guys who really are that careless and simply don't see a reason to even bother with their LONG TERM partners birthday or Christmas or Valentines day.

 

Most guys, however, almost ALL men who have a normal degree of empathy and kindness within them, will feel COMPELLED to do something nice for their partners.

 

The OP'S guy is probably like the vast majority of men, who, with the right woman, will feel compelled to do some nice things for them in the form of gifts and surprises, on special occasions.

 

And, like many guys, he is just with the wrong woman; I see it veryyyyy often. Guys who really like a girl, give things a chance, grow to love them but never fall in love or truly feel that into the girl.

 

I don't think the OP should settle for this..... She sounds like this is a deal breaker for her, and she wont be happy with a guy who is either not that into her, or who is like this with every girl and lacks the drive to please girls.

 

 

 

...Guys can carry on all they like about " he is just super laid back and chilled out" And " some guys are clueless"

 

It is not true for the most part; ever guy I know who is head over heals in love with a girl will feel like doing nice things for her birthday.

 

Even the most laid back, introverted men I know.

[Assasda]

This guy sounds like a normal practical guy.

Whats the problem?

[Criticality]

Criticality - I see it different. Remembering a birthday means much more than getting an cliche obligatory present for the BS commercialized V-day. I do agree with you that you can teach your partner (most) how you expect to be treated...though it should happen in the early days of the relationship.

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Oh, I agree completely. I was just saying that considering that there are 365 days in a year, and lets assume that the guy has the memory of a goldfish and doesn't have a cellphone or computer with a calendar that could remind him.

 

In these cases a forgotten birthday could be an honest mistake and we could cut him some slack.

 

But there is just no ****ing way on gods green earth that a boyfriend could "forget" Valentines Day or Christmas.

[ascendotum]

Yeah Leigh I did agree with the girl that initially said maybe this guy is just not into her. It could easily be this case, and I guess if a guy does not even kiss his gf, somethings not right. There's clueless & non romantic but the no kissing in the early 'supposedly honeymoon days' of a relationship is weird. This guy could be a total 'Sheldon' type or maybe he has low testosterone and is just going along for the ride because its expected he be in a relationship by now. The OP needs to work it out.

 

I agree that people (both sexes) up their effort & enthusiasm for someone they are really in love with as opposed to someone they are going with just because they went along for the ride with the first person to ask them out in ages. I know of relationships were the guy does not get a b'day present or ever buys flowers, but I think they even got xmas presents early on in the relationship. An introverted & inexperienced guy will likely feel a bit uncomfortable getting romantic with his gf but I would have thought it would not be to this extreme like this dude (no kissing, no ILYs, no presents). I wonder if the OP has to fake her Os.

[Els]

Make him watch some romantic comedies or SATC.

But if he is poor, he might also not want to spend much money on gifts.

I don't really think romantic stuff matters, unless you just want an excuse to dump him.

 

Ridiculous. Homemade cards cost less than $1. Dude could have cooked her a meal if he'd wanted to, too. There is no excuse for not doing anything, period.

[Criticality]

dollars to donuts the guy was burned in the past for being too romantic.

 

Isn't it more like "hooked up with a girl who didn't return his feelings, and he tried to make her love him by overcompensating with being romantic?"

 

Yeah, there are girls who aren't that romantic. But even they appreciate getting something now and then. If they genuinely like the guy that is...

[Criticality]

Ridiculous. Homemade cards cost less than $1. Dude could have cooked her a meal if he'd wanted to, too. There is no excuse for not doing anything, period.

 

When I was young and poor, I used to make homemade "gift cards" for my girl.

(OK I still do that occasionally...)

 

Gift card for half an hour of massage/neck rub or for doing one of the chores she usually does.

 

Or make her a retro gift by making a mixtape CD of her favorite songs if she drives to work.

 

It doesn't have to cost anything, in fact there's usually more thought and effort behind it if he DIDNT spend much money.