Unromantic Boyfriend-what do I do?

[reignbow]

Hello, first time poster here. I've been having issues with my boyfriend not being romantic. He's 30 years old and I'm 25, but this is our first serious relationship. We are both working professionals and have been dating for two years.

 

Throughout our relationship, he hasn't been one to verbalize his feelings. I was the first one to say I love you, and he only really says it to me when I initiate it. He never tells me I'm beautiful/attractive... He doesn't really like to kiss, either.

 

He has only bought flowers once for me (the first Valentines we were together), and I believe he did it begrudgingly because his girl friends hassled him into doing it. He never planned anything for my past two birthdays, and didn't get me a gift the past year. Our first Christmas together, he regifted me a book a friend had given him...he says this was an accident and he just meant to give it to me at a later date (he says he kept all the stuff set aside for me in the box).

 

I've stopped altogether in getting in cards for him, because 1) the last time I wrote him one for Valentine's Day, he hadn't read it until a month or two afterward and 2) he has never written me a card before.

 

For our past two-year anniversary, we planned to go out for a meal, which he did pay and make reservations for. However, we also went because they were offering a dinner special during those two weeks. It was also the place we went when we celebrated Valentine's Day three months late... For our anniversary, I bought tickets to see a show for us. I know he doesn't like material items, so I figured I could plan events for us instead.

 

He is a genuinely nice guy; he has a big heart and has a very practical mind. He'll help me fix my computer, car, etc., but I just want to see him doing something that he wouldn't do for other people in his life (i.e. romance). He is very helpful to everyone he knows.

 

Also, I would say that we are pretty equal in splitting expenses, so I am by no means mooching off of him. I take good care of him, and am always getting things that I know he likes.

 

My question is...what do I do? I know he loves me, and I feel silly for feeling this strongly about something like flowers or a card. I have told him about this and he is well aware of how I feel. I can understand if I were asking for jewelry or a huge bouquet of flowers, but I am not. I think that if he knew how these small things are important to me, why doesn't he try? What's the breaking point? I love him, but I do not how much of this I can handle...is it always going to be like this? Help!

[NoMoreJerks]

 

Are you sure you're not making excuses for this guy?

 

He might be a nice guy, but nice guys don't necessarily have to be "that into you."

 

Maybe he's just not that into you?

 

I mean, I'm not saying he should get you material gifts, but how hard is it to plan something without finding it a chore, or to get you a present, if only for your birthday or Christmas??? And he made a mistake with YOUR present???? Are you sure he's not being passive-aggressive and showing you with his actions how much you are valued (regifting books, etc.)? I mean, sure, we all make mistakes, but what you've written so far indicates that this is more than just a one-off mistake. It's more of a pattern.

 

I don't think it's about being or not being a romantic. I am not by any stretch of the imagination, a romantic, and I still find it a joy to buy presents and give them out to a boyfriend. One doesn't have to be a romantic to have some tact, respect, or even to love you and want to do something special for you. It's not about the value of the present that makes it special, but the fact that he went out of his way to do something for you, on a special occasion.

 

Maybe you two are just not compatible.... or he's not that into you. I wouldn't say this is about not being a romantic... But that's just my 2 cents.

[reignbow]

Maybe I'm in denial, but I don't think that's the case? He's extremely introverted, I'm the first person he's been in a serious relationship with, and we aren't exactly young. It took him about a year to come forward with his feelings towards me. Recently, he's invited me to travel with his family.

 

He does try with respect to a lot of things; e.g. every weekend he drives over to my place, which is an hour away, instead of having me go to him. He will get me things that are very practical, like a bike light for my bike, or a portable hard drive for my computer. Throughout our respectively busy work weeks, he initiates conversations with me and enjoys talking to me...it's just that I'm not seeing romance in the conventional sense. Growing up, I was used to celebrating these holidays/receiving love in the traditional sense. Also, his family never really celebrates birthdays/Christmas.

[Eggplant]

You can do nothing. He's been this way from the start. He won't change. Never try or expect a man to change. If it's not acceptable, you should be long gone by now. By the way, never say "I love you" first.

[crederer]

Guys like this that have girlfriends give me hope. If a guy that ****ty can get a girl, I sure as **** can.

[Els]

I dunno, OP... there's 'not very romantic' and then there's... your guy. The two are quite separate, IMO.

 

I understand guys to whom practicality trumps romance. Mine gives me a 'practical' gift for my bday most of the time. Something I can use and that has practical value, not cards or flowers. But he still makes an effort to do something, and that's what's important to me. I don't need flowery verses or poems, but I do need something that shows he was thinking of me.

 

I cannot understand someone who supposedly has 'a big heart' but doesn't bother to acknowledge a special day of yours or any special occasions. Especially if you have told him that it matters to you.

 

If you have told him this and there has been no change for 2 years.. I'm afraid you just have to decide whether you feel you can put up with this or not. I'm voting for not, if romance is important to you. Life is too short to waste with someone who puts no effort in.

[todreaminblue]

when you went out with him first what was it that attracted you to him?..how did he treat you then..deb

[Maxtor]

You can do nothing. He's been this way from the start. He won't change. Never try or expect a man to change. If it's not acceptable, you should be long gone by now. By the way, never say "I love you" first.

 

Lol, nice advice to everyone. No one will say I love you...ever.

[LuvsTrucks2]

If this has been an issue from the start of your relationship and you still feel this way, I'm sad to say it won't change, or he won't change.

[NoMoreJerks]

Why do people constantly do this? They'll post an opening thread about how neglected, not special and unloved they're feeling and bring up a bunch of examples for why they're feeling that way. Then when members start replying to them, they get all defensive and start back-pedaling like crazy, saying all kinds of wonderful things about their partner and completely ignoring what they originally said.

I've noticed this as well. I think it's because they're trying real hard to find excuses for their guy (or girl) and when the replies don't meet their expectations/confirm their justifications for why the guy/girl is acting that way, they will try to do the "but but.. he does this... isn't that nice..? please confirm that you were wrong in your initial reply, because you didn't know the full story!"... They just want to believe that what is bothering them, has to do with their misplaced expectations and not that there is actually something to be bothered about.

[NoMoreJerks]

The most my ex gave me on my birthday was some used nerdy tshirts he had. I was supposed to feel grateful, but I felt kinda insulted. The problem wasn't that he was an introvert (he was actually an introvert) but that he didn't care enough to put any effort in, didn't think of us as 'bf and gf', even though he did tell me he 'loved' me, did a lot of future-faking, etc. It's not a problem of not being a romantic, IMO. I've seen men who are not very romantic, who don't give out flowers or cards (which I hate receiving and never expect to receive, BTW), but who still put in the effort to do and give something nice to their gf on their special day(s). It doesn't take a romantic guy to think of something nice to do, or something (even practical) to get their gf. Or to cook for them, or make a surprise. Or whatever. You're justifying his behavior because he's a so-called introvert. You'd be surprised at how many introverts get away with sh*tty behavior because people assume their lack of effort has something to do with that. Introverts might not talk a whole lot, and might be shy in social interactions, but they can still know/think about what's right to do and what's not, and put the effort in. If they don't, it's not because they're introverts. It's because they don't want to put the effort in / don't care enough.

 

If I may ask, how old are you two??

Edited October 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[TB Rhine]

Bleh... if this guy *was* all romantic and schmoopy, she'd quickly lose interest in him. Romance is something women only think they want.

[bumpyroad]

OP, is showing him this thread out of the question?

 

Have you really made it clear to him that this is getting to you?

 

You said he does do kind things for you to show his affection (the bike light etc) so maybe it is his introversion that's getting in the way...

 

That said, a boyfriend who has never told you he finds you attractive and doesn't like kissing?! I couldn't be doing with that, life's too short, I'd be wondering if he's gay.

[Criticality]

Well. If he's not a romantic guy, at least he can learn to PRETEND to be romantic...

 

(Heck, that's what most guys do)

 

It's not like giving cards and flowers is a natural instinct, its learned behavior. They even start decorating stores weeks before Valentines Day, so he doesn't even have to remember it!

 

So Reignbow, here's what you're going to do...

 

First, you break up with him. Tell him how you're feeling, he doesn't pay enough attention to you, you want to be with somebody (at least a little!) romantic, and the fact that he can't bother to give you flowers once in awhile, tells you that he doesn't care about your feelings, and you're not right for each other.

 

"But I love him! I don't want to break up with him!"

 

Tough titties... You're thirty, right? Want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Have kids?

 

Well... If he can't be bothered to spend five minutes on a card, and 20$ on some flowers once in a while right now, its only going to get worse when you marry. And when kids arrive, and you'll be able to spend even less time together, all the resentment that was piling up over the years will get even worse. Until one day you tell him you dont love him and youll get a divorce, or he'll cheat on you cause you're always acting so cold.

 

So you break up with him.

 

If he just says "OK, that sucks" and mopes around for a few weeks, move on and find another guy who shows his appreciation once in a while.

 

If he starts crying and slobbering and wailing and asks for another chance however, give it to him. But tell him in no uncertain terms what it is that you expect from him from now on.

And if he falls back into his old habits again after awhile, just dump him permanently.

 

(Seriously. You know when I usually get my girlfriend flowers? When I go grocery shopping. It's right by the register, 5$ - 10$. It's not a hard nor expensive thing to do. Especially if it means something for the woman, which I guess it does for you.)

[bumpyroad]

The whole point of being with someone, surely, is that you're special to each other; you give each other something that you just don't get from other people. If that's not there, what's the point?

[Phoe]

Some guys just don't do that kind of stuff.

 

My exes weren't the gifty or romantic types either. My birthdays were usually forgotten altogether and valentines day and christmas were non-existent.

 

 

 

 

You wont be able to change him, so you should decide whether this is important to you.Do you need romantic displays or can you live without it?

[Eggplant]

Lol, nice advice to everyone. No one will say I love you...ever.

I didn't give the advice to everyone. Only to her

As a rule of thumb, the woman is well-advised to not say ILY first. Let me replace "woman" by "the person more invested in romance." Now we're using gender-neutral language. The OP needs romance in the relationship. Her partner doesn't. So this thread is an example of what can happen when the person who wants the romance from the other does all the romantic things first, like say "ILY."

[NoMoreJerks]

That said, a boyfriend who has never told you he finds you attractive and doesn't like kissing?! I couldn't be doing with that, life's too short, I'd be wondering if he's gay.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't catch that. But yes. My ex was highly sexual/promiscuous, and always looked at women, but he never said he found me attractive, nevertheless wanted to be with me, but almost never kissed me.. and he liked ladyboys in Thailand... I think he may have been a closet homosexual.. he grew up in a Victorian household and his dad was very uptight, so he has a lot of repressed sexuality, etc.

[Criticality]

Some guys just don't do that kind of stuff.

 

My exes weren't the gifty or romantic types either. My birthdays were usually forgotten altogether and valentines day and christmas were non-existent.

 

You wont be able to change him, so you should decide whether this is important to you.Do you need romantic displays or can you live without it?

 

Did your exes learn how to drive a car? Or eat with knife and fork?

 

Then SURELY they can learn to get you something two or three times a year.

It's not like you're teaching how to juggle or origami or some other tricky ****.

 

Ok, birthdays can be hard to remember. Lets give them a pass on that. But Valentines Day? Surely he must have noticed big, pink ****ing hearts and balloons going up in all the stores, and everyone buying chocolates?!?

 

Everyone who says "Meh, some people just aren't romantic..." No? But they can pretend. I'm pretty sure the boyfriend learned to put the seat down (or up) cause she was riding his ass about it all the time, so surely he can learn to feign interest and appreciation for his girlfriend by

 

A: Buying cards and presents when everybody else around them is, and

B: Get some flowers. Just once in awhile. Like every time he puts new oil in the car, for example!

 

The only reason they're not gifty types is probably cause every girl they've ever been with, gave them a pass on it.

[TB Rhine]

Well, NMJ got to bring up her ex. Looks like this thread has come full circle.

[NoMoreJerks]

He'll help me fix my computer, car, etc., but I just want to see him doing something that he wouldn't do for other people in his life (i.e. romance). He is very helpful to everyone he knows.

Well, yes, you said it yourself: my friends can help me out with things like fixing my computer, car, etc. (well, I don't really need help with computers, but you get the point). If he thinks that's where it all ends for you two, then he really thinks of you as just a friend , maybe a friend with benefits, and not an actual girlfriend. Like I said, I know introverted men, who do stuff for their girlfriends, who know the right place and right time to do things.Just because someone is an introvert does not mean that they are / should be excused for being couch potatoes and not acting like a bf.

 

As for cards, I get that many if not most men are not fond of cards. I mean, personally, I hate cards. But flowers, presents on your birthday, presents on Christmas, are red flags, IMO. Even if he is not used to doing that sort of stuff because his family does not celebrate birthdays, I am sure he's gotten used to many things over the years that he hasn't done before. The fact that he is so reluctant to "learn" that this means a lot to you, to me indicates that he is either passive aggressive and wants to show you your 'place' (and a way of letting you know that you're no more than a friend) or just doesn't care enough (and possibly thinks of you more as a friend). I mean, it's not like he doesn't know that he has to step up his game, if you've let him know that this bothers you...

 

People who don't give presents on birthdays, will have no trouble accepting $150 presents on THEIR birthday. Funny how that works. Some of these people are actually so self-centred and starved for love, they think the world owes them everything, but they don't put in any effort to let a boyfriend or a girlfriend know that they care about them. I'd say, break up with this guy. You can't change him by giving him an ultimatum. You might just not be compatible, or he is not all that interested. At any rate, this is clearly not working out for you. Don't settle for someone who is out of your comfort zone just because you want a bf.

[hogwild]

reignbow you love your guy. It's been 2 years. Accept him. He is part Vulcan. He does not express feelings like most humans.

 

Either he must change or YOU must change.

 

You have to end this relationship unless you can learn to feel special and loved in the ways he knows how to express it such as when he fixes your computer and organizes your socks.

 

At the same time, here's how you get an ultra-practical person to be romantic... Make romantic gestures appear practical to him!

 

Say, "Honey-bear, I know you don't understand why birthdays are important to me or why I want alone time with you to celebrate each passing year of our love. You don't have to understand why I am this way. But I am. The question is, do you want me to be happy?

 

"Yes? Awesome. So here's a checklist of wacky things that make me happy. The more of these things you do, the happier I will be! The happier I be, the more enthusiastic I am about making YOU happy. So therefore, doing these "stupid impractical" actions is how to make your own life better. For example, surprising me with flowers will lead to me watching a sci-fi movie with you.

 

"But it's not exactly quid pro quo. You will learn to read my secret happy meter by my facial expressions. Once my happy meter is bursting from things like you giving me a useless gift for my birthday like an evening out to dinner and dancing or a full body massage, you will discover my gratitude in the form of actions that you really enjoy.

 

"See, my pleasure is derived from weird things like hugs and kisses and phrases like, "I love you." Do these weird things for me to get the normal things YOU want like a Friday evening discussing new developments in polymer science or reading the wikipedia entry on the history of pudding."

 

Try this strategy. Be patient and greatly reward his efforts. Learn to feel love the way he knows how to show it.

 

Did you know that when a cat brings you a dead bird, the cat is saying, "I love you. I respect you?" Don't yell at a cat for bringing you a dead bird because you expect Mr. Whiskers to learn to speak English and say, "I love you."

 

Your boyfriend is almost as romantic as a cat. Accept his bird. Patiently teach him to lick your hand.

[ThisGal]

Did your exes learn how to drive a car? Or eat with knife and fork?

 

Then SURELY they can learn to get you something two or three times a year.

It's not like you're teaching how to juggle or origami or some other tricky ****.

 

Ok, birthdays can be hard to remember. Lets give them a pass on that. But Valentines Day? Surely he must have noticed big, pink ****ing hearts and balloons going up in all the stores, and everyone buying chocolates?!?

 

Everyone who says "Meh, some people just aren't romantic..." No? But they can pretend. I'm pretty sure the boyfriend learned to put the seat down (or up) cause she was riding his ass about it all the time, so surely he can learn to feign interest and appreciation for his girlfriend by

 

A: Buying cards and presents when everybody else around them is, and

B: Get some flowers. Just once in awhile. Like every time he puts new oil in the car, for example!

 

The only reason they're not gifty types is probably cause every girl they've ever been with, gave them a pass on it.

 

LOL! I'm so in love with this response. Sounds like something I'd say

 

But seriously, stop making excuses for him. He doesn't care enough, obviously.

 

For goodness' sake it's been 2 years and you've put up with his lackluster behind. It's about time he makes some changes. It really isn't that difficult to do little things for someone you care about, especially when you know she'll appreciate it. Drop him and see how quickly he changes.

Edited October 13, 2013 by ThisGal

[ThisGal]

Some guys just don't do that kind of stuff.

 

My exes weren't the gifty or romantic types either. My birthdays were usually forgotten altogether and valentines day and christmas were non-existent.

 

And that's sad. You need to stop settling.

[Els]

Well. If he's not a romantic guy, at least he can learn to PRETEND to be romantic...

 

(Heck, that's what most guys do)

 

It's not like giving cards and flowers is a natural instinct, its learned behavior. They even start decorating stores weeks before Valentines Day, so he doesn't even have to remember it!

 

Yup. It isn't like the OP is asking the dude to read her mind, either, she seems to have TOLD him what she'd like and he still hasn't bothered.. for 2 years. Dealbreaker, IMO.