fishman3226 Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 Hiy guys, I have a question relating to my girlfriend. My girlfriend of 8 months is planning to have an ex boyfriend stay over. This guy is an old flame from back when she was 18 - she is now 31 - but she spent a wild weekend at Easter with this guy (use your imagination) and I know she was wanting this guy in her life for the past 10 years. When we first met both she and i were trying to get an ex love - herself this guy and mine a girl that I am now no longer interested in. I saw how cut up she was with him not wanting anything more than sex and she is quite glowing in his praise of the guy. I have told her I dont trust him at all - and I dont like the fact that he used her when she was vulnerable. I dont want to meet him in any way shape or for for I reckon I would tear him apart. He is THE only thing we argue about in any capacity. I have told her I am uncomfortable with this arrangement of him coming down and her meeting up with him but I have said I trust her not the situation. I dont want her to be denied a friend, but this guy was also a catalyst for her marriage failing and also other relationships. She tells me he is just a friend in her eyes and she alledgedly said to him that I am not comfortable about him coming down. I also state I think it is a judgement on his character how he reacts to this - any honor for her and her relationship he would stand aside and not make waves within it. I do believe he has made contact with her when things have improved in her love life in the past (eg. he was invited to her wedding but declined then rings her up two weeks later to catch up) She has said that she wont stay at the same place overnight - and I will hold her to that even to the point of ending it if she does. We are also planning to get a place next year - and I can guarantee that he WILL NOT be staying at our place if/when he comes down. I suppose I am more worried about what might happen - her having feelings resurface or what might happen if this guy tried something. Now it may not be as bad as it seems, but there are a few things I am not comfortable with. I am deeply in love with this woman, but I dont like this. She says she understands my discomfort with the situation - but it is also the thought by her 'I am doing this and I dont care about your feelings on it.' I would not do it to her at all. I ws not even consulted about it BEFORE it was agreed. Something like 'I would like him to stay over, what are your thoughts on it?' I would not like it and voice such but at least I would have been asked how I feel about it - not permission or anything like it. I dont want to sound possessive and I know it does but it is more about howI feel. Any thoughts?
morrigan Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 I would be leery of the situtation. This isn't just an old friend she used to date when she was younger, someone she has had no romantic interest for in a long time. The ex boyfriend sounds like a user, but your girlfriend allows him to come back into her life whenever he wants to, and apparently puts any marriage or other relationship on the back burner when that happens. It sounds like she has never moved past her feelings for this guy, she still gets involved with him periodically, and was with him right before she started dating you. How would she feel if you invited a former girlfriend to stay, one you admittedly still had feelings for? You can either put up with this guy's visit, and trust that she won't repeat what has happened in the past. On the other hand, you can tell her to get back in touch with you once she's decided what she wants.
fiyah Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 i'd be pissed too if i were you... does your gf have a history of being easy to succumb to someone pressuring them into things? is she one of those who just "can't say no?" i guess each case depends on the person involved, so you gotta take into account what type of character your girl has... but i'd still be worried like you.
Author fishman3226 Posted December 7, 2004 Author Posted December 7, 2004 She tells me it is purely platonic, and that the whole thing and what she went thru was her issues alone and that what i saw was a build up of many differing things. I told her i dont like and should not be expected to be so. I wont either. I dont want this guy around it is like when he blows in all must revolve about him. She says she has many friends she was with that she stays friends with - I dont haveany due to the fact I view it as the past. How can one move onwards without leaving the past where it is? Am I being shallow here? Is her thoughts and actions normal?
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