I do not understand what just happened.

[thegrouch]

This is an extremely convoluted relationship/breakup. I have typed the entire story once and lost it now I will try again. This is my first time posting, and I am sorry if it is long. We were together for just over four years. Broke up a little over 2 months ago.

 

I have just turned 26, my ex girlfriend is soon to be 28. We are pretty much opposites. I am kind of introverted, into videogames, ect. She is more extroverted, tattoos, piercings, likes to go out a lot. We met at a mutual friend's party and ended up sleeping together that night. I found out she was married but separated for around 3 months and even bought diapers for her one year old the next morning after meeting. She was with him for four years, and married one.

 

We become pretty much exclusive right away. She wasn't with her husband and talked about getting a divorce. With in the first year, she ended up leaving me twice for him before finally going through with it. It was hard on me, I think I cried and begged once each time. But I sort of dealt with it because they were still married and had a child. Both times she only left for a couple of weeks and would call randomly for weird things and even had sex with me. So I knew she had some feelings for me. I fell for her harder and faster. But I know she fell in love with me as well.

 

Things were rocky even after she got divorced. She either didn't have a job or be in one where she made little to no money. I paid for most or all of everything. We both live with our moms though. She only did after she separated from her husband. I just didn't make enough to support both of us and was waiting until she started making money too. Which she does now, but it is too late. I lost my job in June after 6 years, and even though she wanted to help me find another one, I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. I have one now, which was only gotten a couple weeks after we broke up, in August.

 

We got into a major argument over the phone during the last week of July. I honestly don't even remember what it was about, because I had been drinking and she didn't even know that until I told her afterwards. We didn't talk for almost a week, even though once or twice I tried to call and apologize and get things back to normal. After exactly one week, sheh called and asked me to come over. I did. We talked and I THOUGHT we got through it. We had sex that night, hung out a few times that week, and had some more sex.

 

Here is where things get really messy. That weekend, I was at a friend's wedding and text my ex, telling her that I loved her. This was the first time I can remember her not responding. I noticed it, but didn't think about it too much. I went home and sort of passed out until later that night when I called her. She told me she was going out with a friend (girl). I have no idea what brought this out of me, but I noticed an extremely cold tone in her voice, and threatened to breakup with her if she went. She said "that is fine", and went out anyway. I realized I was being stupid over the next couple of hours and tried to call her back and apologize. She would't answer and the next morning I tried again. She wanted to stay broken up. Over the next couple of days, through the phone, she said we were not meant to be together. I try to find out what that means. She said that that I don't go to her house enough, I don't hang out with her friends enough, and that we should be further along in our relationship. WTF. All things that you should discuss before a major breakup, I thought. I am crushed. I cry and beg for a few days then leave her alone.

 

Three weeks after the breakup I decide to try again and go to her house one night. I notice she has a brand new truck. Her mom tells me she is on a date. I start to tear up in front of her mom. I ended up blowing up my ex girlfriends phone all night and the next morning. She doesn't answer or reply once. I drop off some stuff at her house without seeing her.

 

Here things get even messier. I get a call from the police, saying to leave her alone and I am harassing her, ect. Well if she wasn't going to give me any answers, I was going to take them. I hack her FB page. Now I know all of my mistakes, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I know it is over that's why I allowed myself to make these mistakes. I am kind of an intellectual and I have to understand everything as best as I can.

 

Turns out she was talking to this guy since at least the day before we break up. He knows she has a boyfriend and insists on kissing her, ect. She does not object to his advances. Apparantly, they had met once before but didn't know eachother very well at all. They weren't even FB friends until the day we broke up. I see messages from the night we broke up. She tells him she is going out, with whom and where. She wants him to come and says she might kiss him if he does. Don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet he did. I am not sure if these messages take place before, or after I broke up with her, I know they were damn close in time. She tells him that she is done with me because I won't change.

 

Remember, I found out about her dating him 3 weeks after we broke up. I see a message on there that says he wishes she was in his arms four days before that date. It's pretty obvious they had slept together already. Obviously I am crushed. I leave her alone for a few more weeks and I break. I text her I have changed, ect. Then I say "how could you just leave me for someone else, you should have been honest, I don't know what I ever saw in you." Before I found out about her date, I would text her and ask if there was someone else involved. She never said yes or no. Only "hate me if you want, I am done." She says to leave her alone and she doesn't care what I think. I say "ok, take care."

 

That was two weeks ago. I am trying to move on with my new job. And go back to college. I don't know what I am looking for. Maybe just some insight. I get a text from a friend saying her FB relationship status changed to "in a relationship."

 

I know this girl loved me once. My birthday was in July, and she spoiled me. We took a mini-vacation to Florida in May. It was like we had one huge fight, and I kind of took a month or so to get a new job, and she was out. I love her but I don't think I could take her back after this, and I think it is obvious she doesn't want me back either. I had a hard time keeping NC before, but I know I have no choice now. This guy is a year older than her and has two kids himself. I keep tossing around the idea of G.I.G.S. and rebound but I don't know if it could be either.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

[thegrouch]

I know I have to move on. Some insight from anyone, especially women would be greatly appreciated.

 

We had talked about getting married. She is finally making good money, enough to buy a new truck. That is one reason I toss around the idea of G.I.G.S. Even though it is probably more likely that I just got straight up left for another guy.

 

Maybe I should mention that there was one other time we broke up for about a week or two. I didn't really cry or beg. I found out that she was hanging out with another guy that she met at a friends. I took another girl out to a bar and got pretty hot and heavy. The plan was to make her jealous, and it worked faster than I had expected. My girlfriend's (ex) good friend happened to be there and called my ex and told her. I took the other girl home and my ex knocked on the door. We ended up getting back together that night. I think it is too late to go that route, and I don't think I have it in me right now anyway.

 

Someone please respond.

[Mariposa10]

First of all, if she's in a relationship there's nothing you can do right now.

Second of all, sounds like you are immature, you need to stop doing those immature things if you want to have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

You guys were together for 4 years (I was with my ex for that long too). There's not easy way to heal, only time will help you. Things do get better. Stop checking her social media if you can, otherwise you'll just keep hurting yourself.

 

You can always use this forum to vent. Good luck!

[Mariposa10]

I was just re-reading your threat from what you've described she's been in a relationship for 8 years with no meaningful break? Wow...This woman should try being single for once in her life!!

[reddragon588]

There's a common theme here- she always seems to leave for someone else... whether it was her ex-husband, or when you broke up for a week earlier, or this most recent breakup and the new boyfriend.

 

There is no reason to believe this will change.

 

And I have to say.. hacking into her facebook is not a good thing. What drove you to do that? You need to examine why you would breach her privacy so badly.

[thegrouch]

Yeah I know I shouldn't have done the FB thing. I never will again. I just felt like I needed some answers and she wasn't giving me any.

 

I am not taking offense to being called immature. You may be right, but can you point out why you think so? Obviously besides the FB thing. I guess blowing up her phone was immature too.

 

I deleted her right after we broke up, but she ended up blocking me completely. So I can't look at her page anymore.

[Mariposa10]

Yeah I know I shouldn't have done the FB thing. I never will again. I just felt like I needed some answers and she wasn't giving me any.

 

I am not taking offense to being called immature. You may be right, but can you point out why you think so? Obviously besides the FB thing. I guess blowing up her phone was immature too.

 

I deleted her right after we broke up, but she ended up blocking me completely. So I can't look at her page anymore.

 

When you threatened her to break up with her if she went out... That was really bad, however, it sounds like by then she had already checked out of the relationship. Also when you took a girl to your house, just so that your ex would get jealous... That behavior is not cool at all. You need to work on those things. But, we often start blaming ourselves, so don't see it that way. There must be something wrong with your ex, if she can't be single for more than a couple of months!! Is this your first serious relationship?

[thegrouch]

When you threatened her to break up with her if she went out... That was really bad, however, it sounds like by then she had already checked out of the relationship. Also when you took a girl to your house, just so that your ex would get jealous... That behavior is not cool at all. You need to work on those things. But, we often start blaming ourselves, so don't see it that way. There must be something wrong with your ex, if she can't be single for more than a couple of months!! Is this your first serious relationship?

 

Yeah it is my first serious relationship. That obvious, huh? I know I shouldn't have threatened to break up with her for going out. There was just something in her voice that told me she was doing it to spite me. Maybe not. I should have talked to her first. Then again, I have a feeling she was about to cheat on me either way. I can't help but wonder, what if I hadn't broken up with her right then and there.

 

Yeah I am feeling like she was checking out of the relationship. I just don't see any signs beforehand. She didn't seem distant or push me away in the weeks or months before.

 

Yeah the jealousy thing, maybe I shouldn't have pulled it. It worked though, didn't it lol? I don't know I am sorry, I am venting because I don't know who else to talk to.

 

Also, I just noticed the join date of my account. March 2010. That is the time she left me for her husband the second time, I believe. I was scouring these boards, reading up on NC and stuff. That is how I was able to deal with it back then and we eventually got together for good. I don't know why I wasn't able to do it this time...

Edited October 13, 2013 by thegrouch

[thegrouch]

Does anyone else have any views or opinions? Please.

[Mariposa10]

Yeah it is my first serious relationship. That obvious, huh? I know I shouldn't have threatened to break up with her for going out. There was just something in her voice that told me she was doing it to spite me. Maybe not. I should have talked to her first. Then again, I have a feeling she was about to cheat on me either way. I can't help but wonder, what if I hadn't broken up with her right then and there.

 

Yeah I am feeling like she was checking out of the relationship. I just don't see any signs beforehand. She didn't seem distant or push me away in the weeks or months before.

 

Yeah the jealousy thing, maybe I shouldn't have pulled it. It worked though, didn't it lol? I don't know I am sorry, I am venting because I don't know who else to talk to.

 

Also, I just noticed the join date of my account. March 2010. That is the time she left me for her husband the second time, I believe. I was scouring these boards, reading up on NC and stuff. That is how I was able to deal with it back then and we eventually got together for good. I don't know why I wasn't able to do it this time...

 

I think when you do stuff like that to make someone jealous, it usually backfires.

 

My advice is for you to learn from this situation that way you'll be ready for your next relationship and you won't make the same mistakes. She'll deal with her own things in the future.

 

You're young. Just give it time, and don't be so hard on yourself.

[thegrouch]

Thanks for replying. It does help to post here, and I see myself venting for the forseeable future.

 

I know it is counter-productive to my healing, but I am still stuck wondering if it will work out between them or not. I mean, from the outside looking in, he seems to be a better match for her. He seems to be the exact opposite of me. And probably better looking. They seem to share more common friends than we did. I know he is big into football, and I like to watch the news. She always hated football. But then again, she didn't care for her ex-husband playing videogames and she told me about a time where she smashed his PS3. I managed to turn her on to videogames and she even bought her own systems and games. We would play a lot together. So she will probably end up liking football.

 

I also can't help but wonder if she will ever contact me again. Especially after she got the police involved..

[Mariposa10]

Thanks for replying. It does help to post here, and I see myself venting for the forseeable future.

 

I know it is counter-productive to my healing, but I am still stuck wondering if it will work out between them or not. I mean, from the outside looking in, he seems to be a better match for her. He seems to be the exact opposite of me. And probably better looking. They seem to share more common friends than we did. I know he is big into football, and I like to watch the news. She always hated football. But then again, she didn't care for her ex-husband playing videogames and she told me about a time where she smashed his PS3. I managed to turn her on to videogames and she even bought her own systems and games. We would play a lot together. So she will probably end up liking football.

 

I also can't help but wonder if she will ever contact me again. Especially after she got the police involved..

 

 

 

Yeah, what you're doing is not helpful at all... who knows, for all we know they might break up in a month. However, that's none of your business. YOU NEED TO START FOCUSING ON YOURSELF. I also did the same thing with my ex and the new girl he started seeing, they both have plenty of things in common, but I'm not gonna keep torturing myself about it. I'm gonna focus on myself. You need to do the same. Take some time to accept the breakup and start moving on. Try to be around your loved ones. You guys were together for 4 years, it'll take time, but you'll get over her. She's only thinking about herself, her feelings and needs. You need to do the same.

[thegrouch]

Yeah she is doing things to improve her life, but I can't seem to find the motivation to do much of anything. My friends have reached out to me, but I have been kind of pushing them away.

 

A few weeks ago when I was first finding out about him, of course I went to his profile as well. I can't see much because we aren't friends but what I was able to deduce is my ex looks A LOT like his ex. The mother of his children. Also he was still with her a little over a year ago. This guy also seems to be similar to my ex's ex-husband. I am not doing myself any favors by thinking about this, but I am still early in the process and I can't help but notice these things. It seems they are eachothers "type".

 

The other thing I think about is: she never ruled out having kids completely. But she had mentioned a few times that she didn't want any because it was hard raising just one. Also she didn't want to put her body through it again. She is great with kids and loves them, though. So I don't know how his kids could come into play. Maybe she will feel relieved to be with someone that has kids and won't feel pressure to have anymore, even though I never pushed the issue either. I know I am thinking waay too hard.

Edited October 13, 2013 by thegrouch

[thegrouch]

It is also tough because this is all happening right before the major holidays. Halloween, which she loved, is right around the corner. We used to take her daughter trick or treating. Followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Then her birthday is in January, Valentines Day in February and her daughter's birtday in March. Lol. I can't help but hope she thinks of me on one of these occasions. I know this d-bag's birthday is December 29, so I know they are going to be close and celebrating all these things together.

[thegrouch]

I have been considering talking to a doctor for depression. I haven't been able to sleep, eat or concentrate at work since this started. Looking back, I remember my ex was on antidepressant medicine when I first met her, but not for long after. I wonder if it had something to do with her separation. Maybe she isn't heartless after all.

 

 

I also can't stop weighing the odds she will want to come back.

[blotter]

She saw you as a Beta Provider. Just be thankful you didn't marry her you just would of ended up cuckholded.

[thegrouch]

I realize the odds of my ex comming back to me are virtually nonexistent. Though I do still liken it to the odds of me becoming a famous movie star. You know, sort of possible.

 

Anyway, she basically left for what I think are bogus reasons. Didn't go to her place enough or hang out with her friends enough. After four years, I think those are things you discuss first. I find out a few weeks later, through unethical means, that she started seeing someone else the night of the breakup, and has been with him since. Two months later.

 

I know now, that this guy had a part in her wanting to leave. My issue is that even after asking her if there was someone else, she wouldn't tell me. Is it only because she didn't want to hurt me?

 

Also, I know that this is her boyfriend now, but she has pictures on facebook with me and her in bed kissing and one of her surprising my mom with a birthday cake. The caption says something like surprising my boyfriends mom. Not looking anymore, just curious because I don't think I would leave that stuff up if I had a new girlfriend.

[Criticality]

I realize the odds of my ex comming back to me are virtually nonexistent. Though I do still liken it to the odds of me becoming a famous movie star. You know, sort of possible.

 

Anyway, she basically left for what I think are bogus reasons. Didn't go to her place enough or hang out with her friends enough. After four years, I think those are things you discuss first. I find out a few weeks later, through unethical means, that she started seeing someone else the night of the breakup, and has been with him since. Two months later.

 

I know now, that this guy had a part in her wanting to leave. My issue is that even after asking her if there was someone else, she wouldn't tell me. Is it only because she didn't want to hurt me?

 

Also, I know that this is her boyfriend now, but she has pictures on facebook with me and her in bed kissing and one of her surprising my mom with a birthday cake. The caption says something like surprising my boyfriends mom. Not looking anymore, just curious because I don't think I would leave that stuff up if I had a new girlfriend.

 

There could be lots of reason for her not to tell you: She didnt want to hurt your feelings, didnt want to burn any bridges, didnt want to look bad or get a bad reputation in your circle of friends. Or maybe she didn't know it herself entirely, or plan it out that way.

 

Who knows? And does it really matter?

If you really care to find out the truth, try to ask her in a year or so. Hopefully then you'll have moved on to the point where you don't want her back anymore, and she doesn't feel the need to lie to you to remain friends.

 

As for the Facebook stuff, it sounds pretty normal to me. You might not want to leave it on there, but she realizes that while your relationship is in the past, it's part of her history and who she is. She doesnt regret it or feels the need to edit or rewrite her past.

 

I think it's kind of healthy, actually, that she doesn't take down all of your pictures, or replace them with pictures of her and the new guy.

With time, new pictures of her and her current boyfriend are going to go up there.

 

Or of course, maybe she's just really lazy, and couldn't be bothered...

[h0000]

I would not tell the truth cuz I would assume he would come up with heaps questions and analyzing and obsessing and yelling. I would prefer to make the break up as clean and fast as possible.

Facebook? some people dont take down photos. some people take them down a year later. some people delete them soon after. Doesnt necessarily mean anything.

[Criticality]

Well if she wasn't going to give me any answers, I was going to take them. I hack her FB page

 

WHOAH there buddy! It seems to be that she already gave you the answer: She broke up with you (well, technically you did) and told you that you two are not meant to be together.

 

You just didnt like that answer. Won't take a no...

 

You know what that makes you?

 

It makes you THAT ex... The creepy ex who calls all night, breaks the law by hacking her Facebook, and still have the nerve to call her new boyfriend "a d-bag" despite the fact that he has done little wrong, except for your ex being in love or infatuated with him.

 

You are one drunken phonecall away from getting a restraining order buddy, you realize that, right?

 

Nobody is perfect, and I'm going to give you the benefit of doubt. You might not be the possessive, stalking, creepy ex your post kinda makes you out to be.

When people are in love, sometimes they do crazy things and get caught up in something that's not healthy.

 

But you need to quit what you're doing RIGHT NOW, and step far, far away.

 

Your ex doesn't "owe you" anything. She doesn't necessarily owe you an explanation beyond what she has said, and she especially doesn't owe you a relationship.

 

At one time she was in love with you, and you were a good couple. At some point she started to lose those feelings and fell out of love. She checked out a long time ago, and recently started flirting with a guy on Facebook. When you broke up, she made a move for him.

 

End of story.

 

Should she have tried to work it out? Tell you she's losing the passion and her feelings are changing? If you were married then sure, she should have.

But you guys weren't married, and if somebody wants out of a relationship they're should be free to do so without their ex calling and harassing them.

 

You should write her a letter to apologize for all the things you did, including hacking her FB (so she can change her password), and promise to leave her alone.

 

And then do that. Don't call her, don't look at her Facebook, and if your **** stirring friends try to update you on what's going on with your ex and her Facebook, tell them you're not interested.

 

Time will heal the wounds, and you'll begin to date other women. And then maybe in a year, you can look her up again and maybe you can ask her exactly when and why her feelings started changing. Maybe she'll give you some answers.

 

Not cause she owes you, she doesn't, but so you can learn something from that relationship.

[thegrouch]

You are right. I screwed up royally. I don't think a letter is going to do any good though. Ill probably be better off leaving her alone. I guess ill think about it.

[Fufu]

You are right. I screwed up royally. I don't think a letter is going to do any good though. Ill probably be better off leaving her alone. I guess ill think about it.

 

Don't think about it. Do it, start NC and enjoy your life without her.

[Criticality]

You are right. I screwed up royally. I don't think a letter is going to do any good though. Ill probably be better off leaving her alone. I guess ill think about it.

 

A letter won't do any good? Well the purpose would be first of all to apologize for your behavior, that's always the decent thing to do when you mess up.

 

And secondly, and most importantly, it'll tell her that you'll leave her and her new bf alone, and she doesn't need to worry about you attacking either of them or calling day and night again. She's probably still shook up and nervous about it, at least put her at ease and apologize.

 

And finally, women talk. A lot. Write this letter, and you might avoid getting a reputation as "the crazy ex" among the however many hundreds of women that know her or know of her.

 

I'm sorry for you. You messed up, but don't worry. Things WILL get better!

[thegrouch]

I am writing the letter now, then I will move on with my life. Any tips or advice for the letter would be appreciated.

[Fufu]

I am writing the letter now, then I will move on with my life. Any tips or advice for the letter would be appreciated.

 

Wait a minute, are you writing the letter to send to her?

or you are writing the letter then tear or burnt if off?