Never Again Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Recently I made a post on the Breakups subforum about having to attend a wedding with me ex. I had a bit of a backslide, healing wise, after spending the whole night with her, but I'm better now. However, it got me wondering if I missed an opportunity...or if I made the right call. Long story short, she dumped me after 10 months because she didn't feel the "spark" as strongly as she did in the beginning, and just assumed that there was no recovering it. I felt that something had been off for a week or two, but I thought it was just the honeymoon period fading out (I felt the same slowing down of excitement and attraction to her, but knew my love for her had only GROWN). She cuts it off and cries for days over it and tried to convince me that, at least for the time being, we should transition to being friends because I was one of the most amazing guys she'd ever met and I meant too much to her to just leave forever. I told her that I didn't think of her as "just a friend", so she was going to lose me for awhile and she had to respect that. There is super limited contact for the next few months, 80% of which is initiated by her (I only contacted her once to wish her luck on a big event). Fast forward 4 months post-BU, the week of the wedding. My defense mechanism is to act like a clown, and I'm pretty much the main source of entertainment during the bachelor-party, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. I was the wedding photographer's favorite. I've got everyone laughing, including her. She keeps circling me after the ceremony. Approaches me during wedding photos, during the meal line, etc. Nothing huge, just making little jokes to break the ice. Then it's dancin' time. She keeps ending up near me on the dance floor and tries to strike up conversation once or twice. My "helpful" friends drag me away each time. Then there's a line dance where everyone holds hands, and she ends up next to me again. However, when everyone else lets go...she doesn't. She just keeps holding on and we just keep dancing next to each other, not acknowledging this. Her friend immediately comes to get her after this, and sticks by her the rest of the night until the last dance, when my ex breaks away and asks to dance with me. We didn't hold each other romantically, but there wasn't any space between us either. Since we really hadn't gotten the chance to catch up or talk (besides joking around and making each other laugh all night), this is when we got to do that. She was smiling and laughing the whole time, but wouldn't look me in the eyes. I couldn't read her without eye contact, so I couldn't tell if she was uncomfortable. The only time she did is when I reached up to brush some eyelashes off her cheek (I did it without thinking, and in retrospect that was a weird thing to do, but she LET me). She locked eyes with me for those few seconds and smiled, but looked away the second I took my hand away. When the dance is over, she gives me a hug and told me how happy it made her to see me. She tried to keep talking, but her friend once again came over, so she apologized and said she we'd talk soon. Shortly after that, I caught her alone and tried to give her a small memento of a time that was really important to us as a couple...just telling her that I wanted her to have it. She got really quiet for a moment and stared at it, then demanded I take it back, and playfully threw it at me when I refused. I tried to make her take it, and she just ran away laughing. I know weddings are an emotionally vulnerable setting so it may not have been a good indicator, but when we locked eyes briefly I was absolutely convinced I could have gotten a kiss had I gone in for it. But with her friends around and her avoiding eye contact the rest of the time, I decided it wasn't a good time to try. I'm not disappointed really, because if the opportunity was actually there...it'll probably come again. I'm just wondering if I made the right call in not actually trying? Also, for any dumpers reading that don't have reconciliation on their mind...don't hold your ex's hand for any reason. That's something that's weirdly intimate...not sexual or attraction based, but intimate enough that...between those that've broken up, is weird and confusing lol. Edited October 12, 2013 by Pfenixphire 1
todreaminblue Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 i will agree with you sometimes it is those little things you tend to do at the start at the relationship that hit you like a sledge hammer, holding hands, brushing up against each other sweet soft kisses that are fleeting, that when they happen again..that moment where you share that first kiss, hodling hands yoru heart flying free beating liek a hummingbird heart knowing this moment is it...even if that first kiss is awkward and you smash foreheads that becomes part fo the sweetness and you can i feel , always reignite a fire....you start to remember what it was like again, the touching the sweetness of knowing you are falling in love.....thats why i say when you are in a relationship and that spark begins to fade, this is the place you go back too, the chaste date nights.......where it all began , the hesitation the expectation the hope you have in your heart its all there, you just have to go back and find it....... when you have an ex.....and you are trying to get over them, you dont go back to this place, you avoid the sweet memories of hope and expectation and you stay in the present...unitl those swee4t memroies are nto so bitter sweet adn make you smiel instead o fyoru heart yearniing for them again..........i wish you well....hugs....deb
Author Never Again Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 i will agree with you sometimes it is those little things you tend to do at the start at the relationship that hit you like a sledge hammer, holding hands, brushing up against each other sweet soft kisses that are fleeting, that when they happen again..that moment where you share that first kiss, hodling hands yoru heart flying free beating liek a hummingbird heart knowing this moment is it...even if that first kiss is awkward and you smash foreheads that becomes part fo the sweetness and you can i feel , always reignite a fire....you start to remember what it was like again, the touching the sweetness of knowing you are falling in love.....thats why i say when you are in a relationship and that spark begins to fade, this is the place you go back too, the chaste date nights.......where it all began , the hesitation the expectation the hope you have in your heart its all there, you just have to go back and find it....... when you have an ex.....and you are trying to get over them, you dont go back to this place, you avoid the sweet memories of hope and expectation and you stay in the present...unitl those swee4t memroies are nto so bitter sweet adn make you smiel instead o fyoru heart yearniing for them again..........i wish you well....hugs....deb Well, I didn't go back to this place...at least not intentionally. Her holding my hand and avoiding eye contact caused a minor relapse, but I have no idea if she felt anything...or WHY she even did it. But that's not the point haha. For the most part I've shaken the pain, desperation and longing. However, I still have that gut feeling that I COULD have kissed her...but decided not to.
todreaminblue Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Well, I didn't go back to this place...at least not intentionally. Her holding my hand and avoiding eye contact caused a minor relapse, but I have no idea if she felt anything...or WHY she even did it. But that's not the point haha. For the most part I've shaken the pain, desperation and longing. However, I still have that gut feeling that I COULD have kissed her...but decided not to. that you didnt intentionally go there proves my point this is how it works to reignite flame..not with sex on fire but with innocence your can bring even a relationship that is dead in the water back to life if both people want to do that..........you didnt intend to but thats how it happened to you...feelings got stronger you then chose not to act on it by kissing her.......which i have to also believe you were not meant to move on that kiss whether because it was too soon to kiss her or because it isnt going to work between the two of you...because you dont really want it or she doesnt...whatever the case is...let it go.......and allow whatever happens happens..why live with regret when you are nto really sure you wanted to go there anyway......i hope it works out for you whatever happens and that it is what you really want eithr to move on or reignite......good luck...deb
Author Never Again Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Fair point. However, don't get me wrong - I WANTED to kiss her. It just seemed like it was too much too soon. It would be nice to reignite, but I didn't want to rush things and have it really blow up in my face. But I can't help but think that maybe I should've risked it just to see what would've happened.
SheWillComeBack Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 if you want her back, "should have kissed her, that is a man move and something I would do for sure" would have bring back that ****ing "spark" they always talk about.
Author Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 if you want her back, "should have kissed her, that is a man move and something I would do for sure" would have bring back that ****ing "spark" they always talk about. Maybe, which is wondering if I should have done it. However, even if "going in for the kiss" is a "man move"...a girl will normally give a sign that she's okay with it, and that usually includes maintaining eye contact. Otherwise, I would've just been jumping the gun and could have pushed her away further. I'm not that worried about it, but I was looking for third party opinions because I wasn't sure if I made the right decision by holding back...or if I should've just gone for it. My opinion up until now has been: If she really was interested, another opportunity will arise.
r321148 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 "because if the opportunity was actually there...it'll probably come again" This is the key point in your post. You did nothing wrong. Kiss her/don't kiss her it would have made no difference and with friends around trying to be "helpful" it was probably the wrong time. Question here is do you want her back? If you do then maybe try to organise a time when you can meet up and do something fun together and see if it all feels the same as at the wedding. I think if things are the same again then you go for it (if you want to). Take all this advise with a bit of salt though as you know best what you feel and the moment can be right or wrong for any number of reasons so follow what you feel is right. Main thing is I wouldn't worry about having missed an opportunity. No need to think about what might have been if you kissed her because I don't think it would have made a difference anyway and also there is nothing you can do about it now so it's not worth worrying about.
Author Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 This is the key point in your post. You did nothing wrong. Kiss her/don't kiss her it would have made no difference and with friends around trying to be "helpful" it was probably the wrong time. The "helpful friends" was the biggest reason for why it didn't feel like the right time. And you're right, there is no point worrying about it...it was more curiosity. I'm splitting hairs here, but I don't want her "back" as much as I'd like to start dating her again...take things slowly and see where it goes. I like to think that's a better approach than rushing headlong back into a relationship that's been over for months. In the interest of curiosity, why do you think it wouldn't have mattered I did it or not? Just because it's in the past, or because one moment shouldn't define interest?
ThorntonMelon Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Because if deep in her heart she wanted to be with you nothing would stop her from getting that point across. I didn't like the part where she wouldn't take your momento - that to me would have been the kind of thing that if her heart was with you still would have been precious to her, but maybe I'm mis-reading that. Either way - you really want to know, you either man up and call her, though you're a 99% shot to hear something you don't like - or you just move on and know if she's going to come back, she will...
r321148 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I'm splitting hairs here, but I don't want her "back" as much as I'd like to start dating her again...take things slowly and see where it goes. I like to think that's a better approach than rushing headlong back into a relationship that's been over for months. In the interest of curiosity, why do you think it wouldn't have mattered I did it or not? Just because it's in the past, or because one moment shouldn't define interest? Totally agree with you on the first point and I think a lot of people miss out on reconciliation because they try to pick up where they left off. Taking it slowly is a much better approach. The reason why I don't think it would have made a difference is linked. If she feels something for you then the fact you didn't kiss her isn't going to have ended that. If she really does feel for you then another opportunity will present itself in time... taking it slowly. If you had kissed her maybe all the emotions would have flowed back or maybe they wouldn't. One kiss/non-kiss in all likelihood will not cause/prevent that happening. I guess what I'm saying is one kiss is not going to change what's in her heart. The only thing that can do that is time and her coming to decisions herself.
Author Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Totally agree with you on the first point and I think a lot of people miss out on reconciliation because they try to pick up where they left off. Taking it slowly is a much better approach. This is why I never really bought into the "if they feel it in their heart, they'll come back" approach. That feels like hoping the dumper will want what they had back, as opposed to starting over. The reason why I don't think it would have made a difference is linked. If she feels something for you then the fact you didn't kiss her isn't going to have ended that. If she really does feel for you then another opportunity will present itself in time... taking it slowly. If you had kissed her maybe all the emotions would have flowed back or maybe they wouldn't. One kiss/non-kiss in all likelihood will not cause/prevent that happening. I guess what I'm saying is one kiss is not going to change what's in her heart. The only thing that can do that is time and her coming to decisions herself. Fair, but as I'm trying to approach this like I'm dating someone new, I know that the initial spark of attraction can have an expiration date. But you have turned my own point against me (in a good way)...taking it slowly is best. Had I kissed her the very first time we saw each other, at her best friend's wedding, after 4 months post BU...it might've been too much too soon.
Author Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Because if deep in her heart she wanted to be with you nothing would stop her from getting that point across. I didn't like the part where she wouldn't take your momento - that to me would have been the kind of thing that if her heart was with you still would have been precious to her, but maybe I'm mis-reading that. Either way - you really want to know, you either man up and call her, though you're a 99% shot to hear something you don't like - or you just move on and know if she's going to come back, she will... She seemed touched/stunned that I wanted her to have the memento, then decided that she wanted me to keep it. It was a good luck charm and we each bought one on a vacation - I told her that I wanted her to have the luck it'd bring, and after weighing it for a few seconds she said it was MINE and that it needed to stay with me. I don't really know if there was anything behind that particular reaction. I'm not looking for her to decide she's full on in love with me and want me "back". I would like to begin dating her again from the beginning.
Recommended Posts