Cliches he says to you

[SarahJames]

So, I was wondering: what are some things your MM has said/says to you that you've come to realize are "cliches"/things "they" all say to us?

 

Ex.

 

1. I love you (maybe not always a complete lie, right? *crosses fingers*)

 

2. I'm not having sex with my wife...

[Goodbye]

1) We live together but as co-parents only...don't sleep together and haven't had sex or intimacy in almost 2 years.

 

2) You are my soulmate, my "real" wife.

 

3) I want to leave but it is so hard...you don't understand...I have a child (meanwhile I'm a divorced mom with 3 kids)

 

4) This is only temporary while I work things out, then we will get married

 

5) I was on a "guys weekend" (only to see pictures w his family on FB)

 

6) I can't call you at night because my "son" will wake up (or maybe your wife will be pissed cause you are really in bed w her??!!)

 

7) I'm going to step outside to take this call...it's work (right!)

[GatsbyMH]

I don't want to go off topic but I see so many lies around the forums. I guess it comes with this kind of territory. As a MM myself (soon to be divorced) who is with a married woman (who is slowly separating) we were always honest with each other from day one. We were best friends first and always honest,who evolved into this. We never lie to each other. Ever. We discussed it and decided that we would never tell lies to each other even if what we had to say was going to hurt the other person. And it's been really painful. A lot.

 

Don't get me wrong, I lie a lot to protect her in her marriage and how everything is. We just don't lie to each other. We knew that if we started lying about anything to each other then there would be distrust between us in our future real public relationship. Maybe I'm/we are just different?

[Goodbye]

I don't want to go off topic but I see so many lies around the forums. I guess it comes with this kind of territory. As a MM myself (soon to be divorced) who is with a married woman (who is slowly separating) we were always honest with each other from day one. We were best friends first and always honest,who evolved into this. We never lie to each other. Ever. We discussed it and decided that we would never tell lies to each other even if what we had to say was going to hurt the other person. And it's been really painful. A lot.

 

Don't get me wrong, I lie a lot to protect her in her marriage and how everything is. We just don't lie to each other. We knew that if we started lying about anything to each other then there would be distrust between us in our future real public relationship. Maybe I'm/we are just different?

 

 

You are probably honest with each other because you don't need to lie. You are BOTH in the same shoes...married. The lying would be directed to your spouses, I assume.

[crederer]

the second poster covered most of them. I know a few females dating a married man and they're so snowed. It's sad, really.

[bentleychic]

Why stay with someone when you don't even believe when they tell you that they love you?

 

My MM is (brutally at times! LOL) honest with me and vice versa. Sometimes I wish he WOULD sugar coat things a little. LOL

[Goodbye]

Why stay with someone when you don't even believe when they tell you that they love you?

 

My MM is (brutally at times! LOL) honest with me and vice versa. Sometimes I wish he WOULD sugar coat things a little. LOL

 

 

 

Yeah...well so was mine...so I thought. When I figured out just how full of it he was/is, I ended it. Haven't seen him since March.

[Dreamworld]

So, I was wondering: what are some things your MM has said/says to you that you've come to realize are "cliches"/things "they" all say

 

1. I stay for the kids

2. Why couldn't we have met earlier? You are my soulmate.

3. I hardly have sex with her anymore.

4. She is jealous, controlling and cold.

5. I love you

6. I can't talk to her the way I can talk to you. I can tell you everything

7. I would never lie to you.

 

Pfffft.

 

Btw I also thought he was being honest ( wow he can tell me everything? I must be sooo special). Then dday came and I went from being soulmate to "she seduced me,"from i love you to " it was just sex. Most of the time we were drinking" And so on and so forth.

Edited October 13, 2013 by Dreamworld
More to say

[bentleychic]

I guess it all boils down to, don't waste your time with someone that you don't believe or trust. Life is too short.

[Dreamworld]

I guess it all boils down to, don't waste your time with someone that you don't believe or trust. Life is too short.

 

I agree but at first you really do trust them, you think you are special. I know, when they are lying to their spouses left and right right? But yeah definitely agree. I certainly go by that now.

[Goodbye]

I guess it all boils down to, don't waste your time with someone that you don't believe or trust. Life is too short.

 

 

Does your MM hide his affair or is he open about it with his W?

[SarahJames]

Goodbye, we are both supposed to be on hiatus!!!

[Goodbye]

Goodbye, we are both supposed to be on hiatus!!!

 

 

Yeah, true. I guess I'm still embracing my hostility toward exMM. I will work on getting to Indifferent soon. Starting a new project on Tuesday...maybe I'll use that as a start date to try and delete him from my mind.

[SarahJames]

Yes! My start date is tomorrow: no more going on this site, no more googling "why married men cheat," no more contemplating. Work, gym, and any hobbies that will keep me busy! We can do this

[hollyhillcourt]

Yeah, true. I guess I'm still embracing my hostility toward exMM. I will work on getting to Indifferent soon. Starting a new project on Tuesday...maybe I'll use that as a start date to try and delete him from my mind.

 

Soooo....any news on the 'coffee date guy'?

 

One of my business mentors told me once (not about exMM, lol) that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. That has helped me A LOT!

[underwater2010]

Out of pure curiosity....how is it that women/men fall for this crap? I know that my marriage and all previous relationships fell under monogamy. Meaning the two of us only both physically and emotionally (on my part). I would have never married my husband if cheating was in the future.

 

Why bother with a person you already know is in a commitment?

 

Don't people realize that most of the crap coming from the cheaters mouth is a lie?

 

Can it be as simple as thinking they are that special that the lies would never be directed at them?

 

Someone please clue me in.

[ChasingCars]

"I wouldn't just use you/I'm not using you."

 

Unbelievable.

Short, short version:

My MM had his mini D-Day back in beginning of June and ended things.

I told him NC after he was dragging out the ending. (I did this to heal and move on.)

If he would have left it alone, he would have remained primarily a "good" memory/person to me.

4 months later , last week in fact, he contacts me for a booty call and has the nerve to say, "I'm not using you...I care about you...I just might not be around anymore after this."

Really????

This is not easy to process but I will get back to where I was before he reappeared.

[solostand]

You make my blood boil.

[happy stillmore]

Underwater,

To answer your question about why people fall for the lines from married or already committed people, the answer is simply everyone is aware that separation is not easy for many reasons: financially, children, the families are intertwined, etc. The AP believes the MM/MW when they say they are not happy in the marriage but can't leave in the immediate future. The AP believes the MM/MW when they say they are leaving. The AP wrongfully believes the marriage was over before they met and the MM/MW is "stuck." It is a horrible feeling when the AP learns the MM/MW is not working towards separation from their spouse. I don't think there are many APs that knowingly enter this relationship intentionally attempting to steal a person who is in love with their spouse. It is a lose-lose situation for everyone but the WS. I'm sure a great majority of APs learn from this experience and never enter another relationship if there is a hint of commitment

[hollyhillcourt]

"I wouldn't just use you/I'm not using you."

 

Unbelievable.

Short, short version:

My MM had his mini D-Day back in beginning of June and ended things.

I told him NC after he was dragging out the ending. (I did this to heal and move on.)

If he would have left it alone, he would have remained primarily a "good" memory/person to me.

4 months later , last week in fact, he contacts me for a booty call and has the nerve to say, "I'm not using you...I care about you...I just might not be around anymore after this."

Really????

This is not easy to process but I will get back to where I was before he reappeared.

 

 

UGH. What a jerk. How transparent of him. Should make NC much easier. Keeping pushing him out of your brain.

[hippetyhop]

So, I was wondering: what are some things your MM has said/says to you that you've come to realize are "cliches"/things "they" all say

 

1. I stay for the kids

2. Why couldn't we have met earlier? You are my soulmate.

3. I hardly have sex with her anymore.

4. She is jealous, controlling and cold.

5. I love you

6. I can't talk to her the way I can talk to you. I can tell you everything

7. I would never lie to you.

 

Pfffft.

 

Btw I also thought he was being honest ( wow he can tell me everything? I must be sooo special). Then dday came and I went from being soulmate to "she seduced me,"from i love you to " it was just sex. Most of the time we were drinking" And so on and so forth.

 

Were were seeing the same MM (besides the whole d-day thing?!).

 

Some parts of me knew he was actually being truthful to me and wouldn't sugar coat. He'd tell me if he couldn't text at night since she was in the same room watching t.v., etc.

[MuddyFootprints]

So, I was wondering: what are some things your MM has said/says to you that you've come to realize are "cliches"/things "they" all say to us?

 

"I know this sounds cliche, but..."

[solostand]

This relationship is not just about sex. I want you to know this relationship is important to me. Going back to your place and ripping off a piece of tail cheapens it and this relationship is not cheap! We have to spend time together without sex because I cherish our time together. I love talking to you and just being with you.

 

Also "I love you sweetie" every day.

[GypsumSatellite]

My W and I have an arrangement.

My marriage is just for the kids, we don't have romance.

It's been loveless for years.

I've never cheated before.

My W and I have nothing in common.

I only married her because it was time to start a family.

We never do anything together.

She has no interest in sex.

She's indifferent to me.

Her family doesn't respect me.

All of my exes were crazy but you're nice.

I always wanted more children and she cut me off.

I've never been able to be so comfortable around a woman before.

I didn't know I could have so much fun around a woman without sex.

You're the only other person I've told this to.

 

As to why you believe lines like that? I had never known someone who lied about things like that. My friends who had bad marriages or things I'd hear in therapy groups mirrored a little of what he said. He had built a high degree of trust with me before these things started pouring out over time. Those aren't what made me his OW, but they built a foundation for sympathy. I'd been in relationships where I'd felt my partner was indifferent or whatever. I could identify with the feelings within the excuses.

 

Later on, the more he talked about his life and himself I learned how to sort out the lies and the truths. I learned why people didn't respect him or why his W may have rejected him sexually at some point. I learned why he had a hard time with women and keeping male friendships.

[goodyblue]

I don't think my FMM ever lied to me. I don't think he ever lied to his ex either. The most he did was begin our relationship before he had formally left the M. He did leave soon after. I trust him.