Rayke Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I am going to try real hard to NOT make this a wall of text because I know those can be painful... I started dating this girl back in April. She was really into me at the time, and I wasn't sure if I liked her or not but I decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, this was the situation all summer. She really liked me and I was never really sure if I felt the same towards her (I am sure you can already see where this is going). There were times where I thought she was being really needy (easily jealous, constant texting, etc) and the needier she got the harder I started to push her away. I would not text her for a day or would not make plans with her for a weekend. When I realized what I was doing to her I decided to end the relationship at the end of August. But here is the problem: As soon as I broke up with her I regretted it. I called her up about a week later and asked her to come over so I could talk to her. I told her that I was regretting my decision and that I would like for us to go back to building a good relationship with each other and working on our communication skills. She seemed weary of the idea but suggested that we could "take it slow" and see what happens. We went out again later in the week. She got drunk. We made-out a lot. I asked her if it really meant anything to her or if she was just kissing me because she was drunk. She said it meant something. Since then, for over a month now, she has been almost completely ignoring me and it is driving me crazy. She would quit responding to my text requests to hang out. She wouldn't call me back. When she DID text me it was something that had nothing to do with me and she kept the conversation completely surface level. I panicked. I made her a "notebook". Basically a small 50-page Moleskin where I wrote down the 50 things that I love most about her. She swooned. I thought I had saved the situation. She went back to pretty much ignoring me again after that though. She makes no effort to see me or to really "talk" to me. I asked her last week if she was done with me because if she was then I would quit texting her to invite her to stuff all the time. She says she is in a "funk" and has pretty much been avoiding EVERYONE, not just me. And that she has just wanted to be alone. She also mentioned that she had been stalking me on social-media and that it seemed like I had already "moved on" so she thought I had. At this point I was completely honest with her: I told her I regret breaking up with her, and I want her to actually TALK to me about the funk that she is in and I asked if she would let me help her get out of it I could. But I also made it clear that I would not let her "friendzone" me. I told her I had not moved on, and I blatantly told her that she is THE girl that I want to be with. She said we should start as friends and go from there. She also said that she missed me and she would never deny that there are no longer feelings there. We went out again last week and it was OK. Not great, not terrible. I saw her last night at a show and asked if she wanted to watch football with me today (she's a fan) and she said she would let me know. She didn't let me know. So I texted her this morning to ask if she wanted to or not. She said she wants to be by herself. So then I asked when I would get to see her again and she has not responded to me all day. I am losing this girl. I have become the needy person in the relationship, and I am starting to get really mad. She is very insecure despite my best efforts to make her feel good, and I am afraid that if I go NC then her insecurities will start to make her think that she actually deserves not to hear from me. Should I stop trying to get her to talk to me? (Sorry this was so long afterall. It obviously is very important to me. Any input would be very appreciated!)
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I don't have any advice to give you, but this girl should give lessons. She's played this brilliantly. Unless she really has gone off you, in which case there's not a lot you can do. 4
dlyall Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 You already lost her. I mean what did she do some magical back flips in bed? Okay, seriously, take a deep breath..calm down....and realize she has most likely already moved on.
deathandtaxes Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 You already lost her. I mean what did she do some magical back flips in bed? Okay, seriously, take a deep breath..calm down....and realize she has most likely already moved on. Agreed. Lost. You did it when you dumped her. It won't ever be the same after that.
Salee98 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Ok explain something to me real quick. You ignore her much of the time over the summer, and then break up with her. Then somehow you are instantly regretful of breaking up? Why? You ignored her all summer and had no reason to suddenly regret breaking up based on that alone. I see right through this. You're just another guy who loves the chase. She started moving on and you panicked, yet when you had her you didn't want her. Typical. Get over yourself and find a girl you actually like, and not just for the chase. 2
Author Rayke Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 You are partially right, Salee: I have always been a "chase" guy. So when I had her, I didn't treat her how she deserved to be treated. After the breakup I did some thinking and realized all of this. I also realized that she is an amazing girl that deserves better than what I gave her. Hence me trying to reconcile. I would do better 100% if given a second chance.
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 . I would do better 100% if given a second chance. lol, no you wouldn't 2
truth_seeker Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I don't have any advice to give you, but this girl should give lessons. She's played this brilliantly. Unless she really has gone off you, in which case there's not a lot you can do. I agree. She completely flipped this on him. Good for her. You deserve it. 2
Author Rayke Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Whether or not I "deserve" it or whether or not I would actually do better if given the opportunity isn't what this is about. I *know* that I would treat her well, but I obviously have no way of proving that to you (or her). The question was what can I do to, if anything, to get her to give me a second chance. She has seemed open to it sometimes but really distant other times. People make mistakes. I have acknowledged that I made a mistake. I want her to let me fix it.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Well , this should be a lesson for all people who judge us harshly at the beginning and then discard us, only to regret it and then yo-yo into (and out of) our lives, that sometimes you only get one chance, so be sure to think well before jumping the gun and discarding us. I was maybe in a way like this girl, not terribly needy though -- and my ex treated me like a discardable object, and then regretted it, then regretted coming back, etc. In my case, I gave him several chances. This girl seems smart and knows what she's doing. I think you've already missed your chance with her. No one wants to be second-fiddle, or to be treated as a discardable object, and you treated her like that. Regrets don't mean a whole lot. You should never have even felt that way in the first place. The fact that you did, indicates to her that you're not as crazy about her as you think you are. Maybe you just like the thrill of the chase and this is what is driving you crazy. In all honesty, I really think that if she accepted you and went back to being the same way she was, you will discard her again. I think you should really look into why you are like that. What makes you think and act that way with people. THis doesn't seem to be a case of mere incompatibility. You don't even seem to know what you want. Anyway, good for her -- once bitten, twice shy, as they say. I will never give a man a second chance , after my own experience with being discarded in this manner and accused of being needy (when in fact I really wasn't). Maybe you were even projecting, like my ex was. My ex accused me of being needy, but if half a day passed without me texting him, he'd accuse me of giving him the silent treatment or think something was wrong. Sheesh. In the end he was the needy / messed up person, not I. I really think you should let go of this girl, and let her be, and not play mind games with her, like you seem to be doing. Edited October 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
deathandtaxes Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Whether or not I "deserve" it or whether or not I would actually do better if given the opportunity isn't what this is about. I *know* that I would treat her well, but I obviously have no way of proving that to you (or her). The question was what can I do to, if anything, to get her to give me a second chance. She has seemed open to it sometimes but really distant other times. People make mistakes. I have acknowledged that I made a mistake. I want her to let me fix it. Learn from this mistake. Let go. Treat the next one better. And there's always a next one.
truth_seeker Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Whether or not I "deserve" it or whether or not I would actually do better if given the opportunity isn't what this is about. I *know* that I would treat her well, but I obviously have no way of proving that to you (or her). The question was what can I do to, if anything, to get her to give me a second chance. She has seemed open to it sometimes but really distant other times. People make mistakes. I have acknowledged that I made a mistake. I want her to let me fix it. I don't believe you. I think you just want what you cant have, and once you get it you will do the same song and dance over again. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Whether or not I "deserve" it or whether or not I would actually do better if given the opportunity isn't what this is about. I *know* that I would treat her well, but I obviously have no way of proving that to you (or her). The question was what can I do to, if anything, to get her to give me a second chance. She has seemed open to it sometimes but really distant other times. People make mistakes. I have acknowledged that I made a mistake. I want her to let me fix it. you made a mistake, i think youa re getting some harshness here .wanna hug? lol..i am a big softie though.......i think you should if you really love or care for something...hang in there....the same in reverse for her if she truly cares for you (that to me goes beyond liking someone) to care is to invest not just like soemone but really care .....you dotn give up....she sounds a little depressed when people use the word weary ....that is what i feel when depressed world weary people weary and i shut myself off from most people....i do get burnt out thats when i get depressed because i cant do any more for others for a while...i need to pull back...i call it regeneration i spend that time reflecting by myself honestly you treated her with a bit of disrespect and were inconsiderate to her feelings....so it might take a little time for her to realize you are serious about fixing your relationship...does that mean you should stop trying...only if you want it to end for good.....be selfless let her know that you are there for her not for your own needs but let her know if she needs someone that person is you..if she cares for you....she will see the side of you that isnt about the chase and more about wanting to have a relationship with her.......best wishes......hugggggggggzzz...smilin..;0).chin up hold your head up and just be there.....kudos on the fifty things ......i would swoon too.....you charmer you.....have hope...deb
Author Rayke Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I am not trying to be defensive at all, but I feel the need to say, again, that I know I would treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I also know that no matter what I do/say on here, I will be judged for my previous actions toward this girl. I'll say again, people make mistakes. I made a mistake. I am now paying for my mistake. Don't tell me to "give up/move on" because that is not an option for me at this point. I want to fix my mistake, not move past it. That might sound pompous or naive, but I really want to make sure I do anything/everything I can before I stop trying. I am not trying to be a martyr of a typical guy that screwed up. I didn't cheat on her. I haven't been with any other girls since the breakup. I am just a dude that really likes a girl and wants to do whatever he can to get another shot. She WAS needy when we dated. She has admitted it. I also admitted that my behaviour was part of the reason she was acting needy. So the question remains: What do I need to do next? She is feeling like she is in a weird place and wants to be friends. I told her I had no problems with being friends. But now she is ignoring me. She literally asked me last week to "please don't stop being friends with me". But it's made complicated by the fact that I am very open about wanting to be with her. I have told her very blatantly. But that pissed her off because she says "you put it all on me and that's not fair". What can I do, besides giving up, to at least salvage a good friendship with this girl?
NoMoreJerks Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Don't tell me to "give up/move on" because that is not an option for me at this point. I want to fix my mistake, not move past it. That might sound pompous or naive, but I really want to make sure I do anything/everything I can before I stop trying.That's unfortunately not up to you. You can't force her to keep on dating you. You are selfish. You were selfish when you broke up with her, and now you are selfish in not wanting to let go of her after you hurt her. You want to do things for yourself, no matter how much it hurts her. That's not love. She WAS needy when we dated. She has admitted it I admitted being needy to my ex too. I even believed I was, for a long time. But it turns out he was gaslighting me. I was never needy, he was projecting and he was making me think I was needy. The real problem was that he was unwilling to put the effort in. That doesn't make US needy for trying to make the relationship work when you are not putting in any effort. The fact that we might double our efforts is not a sign of neediness but how much we like you. But it seems you just want to think of her in those terms , which to me indicates that you don't realize the full extent of the problem/mistake. Edited October 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 1
dlyall Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 pushy much! She said she wants to be friends leave at that.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I told her I had no problems with being friends. But now she is ignoring me. I don't have text/phone conversations with my friends all day long, or even on a daily basis. Sometimes I take the entire day to reply to texts, especially if they have in the past not replied to my texts. I don't understand why you expect her to do things on your schedule. You're just friends. Even if you were dating, you have no right to expect her to always be there and reply within the minute.
Author Rayke Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) She is avoiding me. She admitted it to me last week. That is not what friends do. She literally told me she was avoiding me and then followed it up with "please don't stop being my friend". Edited October 12, 2013 by Rayke
dlyall Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Then there is nothing more to do then honor her wishes. leave her alone.
truth_seeker Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 She is avoiding me. She admitted it to me last week. That is not what friends do. She literally told me she was avoiding me and then followed it up with "please don't stop being my friend". Dude, you hurt this girl and now she is messing with you. She doesn't want to date you... she doesn't want to be your friend. You keep contacting her and she keeps sticking it to you. She will continue to stick it to you until you finally go away. You will not win this one. Try all you want... this girl has it in for you and there is no way around it. It's time to wave the white flag and move on.
mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You only want her because you can't have her. 1
mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 It just sounds like she spent a fair amount of energy trying to hang on to you during the relationship and probably when you dumped her she was very upset, and then detached herself from you and therefore how can she trust you again, that you won't do the same thing? Sounds like she just doesn't want to go down that road again, you lost your chance, you threw away your chance 1
deathandtaxes Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 What can I do, besides giving up, to at least salvage a good friendship with this girl? Nothing. That's what we're telling you. You can't do a thing. Part of being a mature adult is taking your lickings and moving on. It might even hurt. It probably will hurt. But you will feel better. And you'll grow. And perhaps, just perhaps, you'll remember this episode and treat the next one better. There are too many people out there, for friendships and otherwise, to go pining after something you can't have. It's obsessive and you will be 'that guy'.
hotpotato Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You only want her because you can't have her. Yep.. Even if you dont, you have to be patient and prove you are sincere.
Salee98 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Alright, maybe I was a little tough on you about the whole "loving the chase" issue. Apparently scientists say that some men really do prefer the chase for biological reasons. But the fact is, you need to step back and think about this situation NOT in terms of what you WANT, but rather, what IS. The fact is, she doesn't appear to want to date you anymore. And yeah, it may be because you broke up with her. But only an idiot keeps doing the same thing and expecting different results. You want to keep chasing her now and hoping she will magically change her mind? My advice: if you haven't already told her everything that you've told us here (that you regret breaking up, realized you were taking her for granted, etc), do that. But then you must immediately back off. If you don't back off, your chance of her coming around drops even lower than it already is. She needs time (without dating you) to figure out what she wants. If you don't give her that, then quite frankly, you are selfish. In other words: this is not about what you want. Respect her wishes. Sometimes "not giving up" is actually disrespect in disguise, especially when we are talking about another person's feelings.
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