Should I stop trying with my ex?

[Rayke]

I am going to try real hard to NOT make this a wall of text because I know those can be painful...

 

I started dating this girl back in April. She was really into me at the time, and I wasn't sure if I liked her or not but I decided to give it a shot.

 

Unfortunately, this was the situation all summer. She really liked me and I was never really sure if I felt the same towards her (I am sure you can already see where this is going). There were times where I thought she was being really needy (easily jealous, constant texting, etc) and the needier she got the harder I started to push her away. I would not text her for a day or would not make plans with her for a weekend. When I realized what I was doing to her I decided to end the relationship at the end of August.

 

But here is the problem:

 

As soon as I broke up with her I regretted it.

 

I called her up about a week later and asked her to come over so I could talk to her. I told her that I was regretting my decision and that I would like for us to go back to building a good relationship with each other and working on our communication skills. She seemed weary of the idea but suggested that we could "take it slow" and see what happens.

 

We went out again later in the week. She got drunk. We made-out a lot. I asked her if it really meant anything to her or if she was just kissing me because she was drunk. She said it meant something.

 

Since then, for over a month now, she has been almost completely ignoring me and it is driving me crazy.

 

She would quit responding to my text requests to hang out. She wouldn't call me back. When she DID text me it was something that had nothing to do with me and she kept the conversation completely surface level. I panicked.

 

I made her a "notebook". Basically a small 50-page Moleskin where I wrote down the 50 things that I love most about her. She swooned. I thought I had saved the situation.

 

She went back to pretty much ignoring me again after that though. She makes no effort to see me or to really "talk" to me. I asked her last week if she was done with me because if she was then I would quit texting her to invite her to stuff all the time. She says she is in a "funk" and has pretty much been avoiding EVERYONE, not just me. And that she has just wanted to be alone. She also mentioned that she had been stalking me on social-media and that it seemed like I had already "moved on" so she thought I had.

 

At this point I was completely honest with her: I told her I regret breaking up with her, and I want her to actually TALK to me about the funk that she is in and I asked if she would let me help her get out of it I could. But I also made it clear that I would not let her "friendzone" me. I told her I had not moved on, and I blatantly told her that she is THE girl that I want to be with.

 

She said we should start as friends and go from there. She also said that she missed me and she would never deny that there are no longer feelings there.

 

We went out again last week and it was OK. Not great, not terrible.

 

I saw her last night at a show and asked if she wanted to watch football with me today (she's a fan) and she said she would let me know.

 

She didn't let me know. So I texted her this morning to ask if she wanted to or not. She said she wants to be by herself. So then I asked when I would get to see her again and she has not responded to me all day.

 

I am losing this girl. I have become the needy person in the relationship, and I am starting to get really mad.

 

She is very insecure despite my best efforts to make her feel good, and I am afraid that if I go NC then her insecurities will start to make her think that she actually deserves not to hear from me.

 

Should I stop trying to get her to talk to me?

 

(Sorry this was so long afterall. It obviously is very important to me. Any input would be very appreciated!)

[betteru]

I think you should stop contacting her. She has made it clear that she's hurt by the fact you broke up with her, and now you are begging her to respond to you.

 

If she is needy as you say, why do you want to get back with her? You are acting the same way she did when you left her.

 

Don't make a fool of yourself. Let her go, learn from it, then move on to a healthier relationship.

[sambo77]

Hey Rayke,

 

Sorry you're going through this. I understand how confusing it can be when your partner seems to be avoiding you, running away from confronting something, or passively punishing you. I have been going through the same towards the end of my 8 month relationship. I guess I'd offer you these thoughts:

 

(1) I understand the tendency to beat yourself over seeming "needy." I've done the same. But to be honest (so long as it isn't "ridiculously" needy) I think it's BS. For one thing, it's a natural reaction when someone you love is pulling away, avoiding you, or confusing you to ask them to clarify things for you. I'd say that's perfectly understandable and mature. I remember at the beginning of my relationship when my gf was the clingy and persistent one, I didn't bat an eyelid at her OTT behaviours and she wanted me to reciprocate. What's the alternative to her actions? To withdraw yourself? In my opinion, that's simply acting out of fear...fear that if you communicate your feelings or needs you will get shot down. I always say it's braver to put yourself out there...and you can do that in a non-needy way too.

 

(2) You've asked her the questions (when can you see her? and are you guys done here?), you need to let it go for a bit now, I guess. You have to hope that she's mature enough to answer...although they may be uncomfortable for her to answer. My gf did exactly the same...ducked and dived towards the end...avoided my confused queries about what the hell was happening. But I'm not gonna feel bad for HAVING and COMMUNICATING those queries. That's what I do when I need to communicate with my partner. If she can't be big enough to reply to that in some way, shape or form (even if it's...I can't answer this now, I need more time)...then I find that disrespectful (and I did when my gf pulled that stuff on me). If I saw my partner was obviously upset and distressed over my lack of communication, I'd get off my butt and communicate if I cared about them. It's called respect.

 

(3) Should you stop trying? Well...I'm in the same boat. I have adopted the following attitude (which I know is not favoured by the masses). I will give her space and time...but I will not just walk away without giving it my all. To me, sometimes you gotta take a risk, even if it means you'll get hurt. I will call her to find out where I stand in the end. I will call her, tell her that I still have feelings for her, and that I'd like to see if things can work if she can see that possibility. I would prefer that she knows exactly where I stand before I walk away...I know that's a risk (because I'll probably be shot down). However, if I just leave it I will never know...and I'm not comfortable with that.

 

Maybe she was significantly destabilised by the mini-breakup that you instigated to begin doubting her feelings for you. Nobody can know that but her. All you can do is either walk away, or patiently keep trying to communicate with her.

[rainforest4172]

She is playing games now. I know this, because I used to be like her. I was once like this in my twenties and part of my thirties to men, when they were not "into" me right away. I have learned alot about myself, and can give you some good solid advise.

 

This girl does not know herself well enough to know what she wants. Right now, she just wants someone to do exactily as you did: to write about her in a moleskin book and talk about her. Yet, she needs to give back to you.

 

Your problem sounds like it stems from this: You like her, but you don't love her, and you're not convinced that you could love her. You can love so many people on this earth. You get that permission and so your first hunch about her was probably right; She a little too into herself and doesn't know what she wants. She's insecure and right now, does not need any long term relationship. She may meet a father figure, or someone who can save her, or someone who can replace part of the the thing she's looking for.

 

I married a guy that was really macho and I thought he'd protect me. I was scared inside and nervous. But that's not love. I realized after my divorce that he wasn't my friend, I didn't really love him, and that I can stand up for myself and have the things in life I want.

 

I now have a successful company and I also teach. I have a beautiful daughter and I'm single and happy. For the first time in my life, I'm happy. It took me awhile, but I'm living for myself; something you are trying to do, so choose someone who's doing the same!

 

Best wishes to you

Amy