hollyhillcourt Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 This, I did nothing to raise my H's suspicions. He had 100% trust in me and I destroyed that. It may not please everyone, but I respect your statement and ownership. 8
Author SarahJames Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 A post by an Other Woman wondering why betrayed wives don't confront their husbands and asking, "Do you think you're just paranoid?" I think paranoid is a negative word to associate with the betrayed wife. Maybe, "Do you think you're too trusting?" would have been a nicer way to phrase it. Or just leave that last question out entirely, and leave it at "why don't you want to confront your husband?" The reasons for NOT confronting that I've seen and can think of off the top of my head, in no particular order: Fear it will lead to divorce; which in turn could lead to:Fear of losing time with the children (mostly cited by husbands but sometimes by a wife), for example only getting to see the kids every Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend;Fear of losing financial standing and quality of life, having to pay for lawyers, having to support two households on the same income that already is stretched thin supporting one;Fear that they won't be able to find anyone better;Fear that a divorce or even knowledge of the affair will damage their children emotionally or educationally;Fear that the other woman, who they think has low morals and other very undesirable qualities, will wind up living with their ex-husband and negatively influencing their children;They still love their husband and hope things will get better;They think their husband will get over the affair partner sooner or later and they will wait it out;Their husband is a good liar, very deceptive, and puts enough doubt in their mind that they don't want to falsely accuse and make what is sometimes already a rocky relationship even worse;Low self esteem, feeling that they don't deserve any better;Engaging in wishful thinking, believing that no matter how bad the facts look, that their husband who has been such a good father and husband in the past could do such a thing;They want to maintain the marriage for the sake of appearances;They have invested a lot of time in the relationship and don't want to start over from scratch;The husband still is staying with them, and they don't care that much if he has an other woman on the side, as long as he still is a good father and/or good provider;They don't want to let the other woman "win" (not too common, but I have seen it);They themselves are having an affair and so are not that upset by the husband's affair (also not too common, but I have seen it).I could probably go on, but those are the ones that come to mind off-hand; I'm sure there are many more cases, but these are the most common (I think) and some of these aren't even that common.I will add just this one observation: The cheater often is a "cake eater." They want to have their cake, and eat it, too - meaning they want to keep both women, their wife and their other woman. Have two women taking care of all of their various needs, and making them feel important and desired. The main goal of the cake eater is to keep eating cake. He has no plans on ending the affair, and he has no plans of dumping the other woman. He likes having both. If your cheating husband, or your married man, falls into this category, don't expect him to end it. He will do whatever it takes to maintain both. Wonderfully put. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out.
rumbleseat Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 maybe the spouse ( bh or bw) has had a long marriage and for the most part, their ws was honest with them. They love them and see only the best in them. They don't want to accuse them of something they didn't do. If they do voice their suspicions ( if they eevn have any), they are often shot down or made to feel guilty for even asking or being concerned. Look at it this way, if an ow trusts and believes the lies her mm tells her, even though she already as ample evidence that he will lie to get what he wants, why is it that hard of a stretch to believe his w may trust him and not think he's cheating? 8
drifter777 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Apropos about nothing other than the title of this thread, people should understand what denial really consists of. From psychology dept at Mayo Clinic: Understanding denial and its purpose Refusing to acknowledge that something's wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety.When you're in denial, you: Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situationAvoid facing the facts of the situationMinimize the consequences of the situation The first two definitions are what we all think of when we hear "denial". I think these two are the easiest to recognize and work though in comparison to the third. Regulars here know that I constantly refer to the dangerous, useless approach of a BS taking the "time heals all wounds" theory to heart and make that their recovery plan. This is the kind of denial that happens subconsciously to protect us from feeling the full weight of the betrayal. It's insidious and causes the BS more damage in the long run, but very difficult to recognize until that damage is done. A counselor understands this and will help you face the dark, scary truth so you can do something about it and remove the power it holds over you. No surprise, I think all BS's should seek the counsel of an experienced professional. Ok, I'm done preaching. 1
ladydesigner Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I would never say their "head is in the sand". I don't blame her at all. I just sometimes wonder whether she's ignoring the obvious, or if she truly doesn't know. It isn't my place to say anything especially considering she's taken him back after previous infidelities. She may have a feeling but not want to believe it. She loves her husband and probably cannot imagine that kind of pain happening to her. Once it is staring you in the face you pretty much don't have a choice. When I knew for certain my WH had had an A all hell broke loose. I kicked him out. As far as why she stayed after other infidelitites. People promise to change, but most often don't, maybe she believes in him.
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Apropos about nothing other than the title of this thread, people should understand what denial really consists of. From psychology dept at Mayo Clinic: Understanding denial and its purpose Refusing to acknowledge that something's wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety.When you're in denial, you: Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situationAvoid facing the facts of the situationMinimize the consequences of the situation The first two definitions are what we all think of when we hear "denial". I think these two are the easiest to recognize and work though in comparison to the third. Regulars here know that I constantly refer to the dangerous, useless approach of a BS taking the "time heals all wounds" theory to heart and make that their recovery plan. This is the kind of denial that happens subconsciously to protect us from feeling the full weight of the betrayal. It's insidious and causes the BS more damage in the long run, but very difficult to recognize until that damage is done. A counselor understands this and will help you face the dark, scary truth so you can do something about it and remove the power it holds over you. No surprise, I think all BS's should seek the counsel of an experienced professional. Ok, I'm done preaching. I think EVERYONE in the affair triangle should get to counseling and am always amazed that it is usually the BS who is trying to pick up the pieces of their sanity IN COUNSELING while the APs are blaming everyone else and leaving a pathetic path of devastation in their wake. telling, no? I think VERY! 2
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 These questions make me blood boil- The idea that the faithful are stupid and miss signs that the unfaithful are so sure they would have seen is silly. It implies the unfaithful are so much smarter than the faithful. What a load. I think some OW need to believe they are so important in an MMs life that he must be acting differently, that there had to be signs. For us, all he had was guilt which was masked as everyday stress of a busy life. tHIS! it is such a cliche, it is almost laughable. More laughable is that the WS ACTUALLY gets the AP to believe it: A necessary component to the Affair Triangle. So they grasp desperately to 'It must be true!' While many would think: 'What a load of crap! What a player! Buh-bye Skeeve Toast!' your choice..... 1
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