In denial?

[SarahJames]

Any betrayed wives/betrayed spouses here who are aware/suspicious of their husbands infidelity but not saying anything? Why don't you want to confront your husband? Do you think you're just paranoid?

[underwater2010]

The only time I did not follow my gut....was the ex that got away. I knew the minute they met back up things could go south. They called and talked a few times but it did not pan out for them. At the time she was a chorographer for the play my daughter was in. So he was taking her back in forth to rehearsal while I worked. I just told myself that he would NEVER do that to me. I wish back then I would have said something....it could have prevented the EA with MOW that followed.

 

It is now very clear that he COULD do that and did. Now if I have an issue I bring it up right away. Any tingly guts or just uncomfortable feeling about a female I say it right then and there.

[underwater2010]

Try to read peaksandvalleys post a little further down on this board. It might shed a little more light on another answer.

[road]

Time to go detective mode.

 

Without telling your WH install a key logger on the PC. Hide a VAR in WH car. Check phone bills for excess use. Such as texting, calls, to one number.

[underwater2010]

Time to go detective mode.

 

Without telling your WH install a key logger on the PC. Hide a VAR in WH car. Check phone bills for excess use. Such as texting, calls, to one number.

She is the OW.

[BetrayedH]

Any betrayed wives/betrayed spouses here who are aware/suspicious of their husbands infidelity but not saying anything? Why don't you want to confront your husband? Do you think you're just paranoid?

 

Most people trust their spouses. Go figure.

 

Your MM's wife is just a phone call away. All the mysteries could be solved. Always odd to me that the OPs that won't make that call are the first ones to say that someone else's head is in the sand.

[SarahJames]

Most people trust their spouses. Go figure.

 

Your MM's wife is just a phone call away. All the mysteries could be solved. Always odd to me that the OPs that won't make that call are the first ones to say that someone else's head is in the sand.

 

 

 

I would never say their "head is in the sand". I don't blame her at all. I just sometimes wonder whether she's ignoring the obvious, or if she truly doesn't know. It isn't my place to say anything especially considering she's taken him back after previous infidelities.

[BetrayedH]

I would never say their "head is in the sand". I don't blame her at all. I just sometimes wonder whether she's ignoring the obvious, or if she truly doesn't know. It isn't my place to say anything especially considering she's taken him back after previous infidelities.

 

It is your place. Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.

[BetrayedH]

Bull I made the call twice and she still stuck her head up her ass.

 

No, she wanted to meet with you in the presence of her husband. But for some unknown reason, you feel entitled to meet only on your terms.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Were you afraid he might hurt the children?

[BetrayedH]

No' date=' it was a volatile situation in a football field in front of kids, NOOOOOO are you crazy, knowing her husband has anger issues?[/quote']

 

No need to call me crazy; that's projecting.

 

As for the guy being violent, you don't get to take both sides of the argument. You've spent months telling us to "go away" when we were concerned about your slap in the face. You've been completely dismissive of that incident and kept carrying on with him. But now he's suddenly too dangerous to meet in a public place?

 

Go meet with them. This won't be over for you until you do.

[BetrayedH]

Eh, you ARE entitled to meet on your terms only. She doesn't have any special rights just because she is the wife (and a creepy one at that). You get to call the shots about when people get to meet you and when and where and how. Blah to her - she's not in charge, and I have NO idea why she thinks she is. I guess it sucks to be her and to realize that she is NOT in charge - oh well, life isn't fair.

 

She's in charge of herself only. At this point, it appears that everyone has made their decisions. But let's not pretend that the BW isn't willing to meet with her when the fact is that j'adore was given the opportunity and passed it up. That's not a BW that's in denial; she just wants all three parties at the table.

[crederer]

Why are you doing all of this? It sounds like an extremely dramatic situation. Do you enjoy drama?

[road]

LOL - no, she just decided that she still wants him, just like you. Odd that you think she should want out, but you don't.

 

When you accept that he's not leaving her, and you'll always be OW and always have to deal with him being married and his wife being in his life, maybe YOU will leave. Until then, don't wonder why she isn't when you aren't. He hasn't exactly been honest and good with you.

 

 

Wasting your breath. She wants to live in the land of denial. That is why she just bought a ticket to Egypt.

[velvette]

Any betrayed wives/betrayed spouses here who are aware/suspicious of their husbands infidelity but not saying anything? Why don't you want to confront your husband? Do you think you're just paranoid?

 

 

There have been times I was aware/suspicious but delayed confronting H.

 

It had nothing to do with denial. Sometimes it was to clarify or get more info he couldn't deny. Sometimes it was not convenient for me to confront him at that moment in time due to other things going on.

 

I've never been paranoid or thought I was.

 

Are there times I may have appeared in denial to his OW? I'm sure she thought that based on things said. She was wrong.

[BetrayedH]

There have been times I was aware/suspicious but delayed confronting H.

 

It had nothing to do with denial. Sometimes it was to clarify or get more info he couldn't deny. Sometimes it was not convenient for me to confront him at that moment in time due to other things going on.

 

I've never been paranoid or thought I was.

 

Are there times I may have appeared in denial to his OW? I'm sure she thought that based on things said. She was wrong.

 

I think there's a lot of truth in this. Who shows all of their cards to a person that is lying to and betraying them, let alone their affair partner? Combine that with the lies told to the AP (about how awful and crazy the BS is) and the need for APs to rationalize (things like "it's not my place" when it was apparently their place to be an unknown third party in the marriage) and you have a classic storm that invites speculation about the BS being in denial, having their head in the sand, not wanting to know, etc..

 

J'adore is a classic example where her current thread is "URGENT: I have to get the truth to the BS" (something close to that anyway) but yet she won't meet with the BW and the MM in a public place. Wait, who is in denial here?

[velvette]

I think there's a lot of truth in this. Who shows all of their cards to a person that is lying to and betraying them, let alone their affair partner? Combine that with the lies told to the AP (about how awful and crazy the BS is) and the need for APs to rationalize (things like "it's not my place" when it was apparently their place to be an unknown third party in the marriage) and you have a classic storm that invites speculation about the BS being in denial, having their head in the sand, not wanting to know, etc..

 

J'adore is a classic example where her current thread is "URGENT: I have to get the truth to the BS" (something close to that anyway) but yet she won't meet with the BW and the MM in a public place. Wait, who is in denial here?

 

Exactly on all points.

 

Additionally, I think a lot of OW have this delusion that all wives are hanging out on the sofa eating bon bons all day or some such similar 1950's version of wives they have in their head either fed by MM or not.

 

The simple fact is that most people do not go around looking for evidence that the people they love are doing them wrong when they have no reason to. And, many cheating men are very good at covering their tracks at least for a while.

[ComingInHot]

wtfh wrote, " Eh, you ARE entitled to meet on your terms only. She doesn't have any special rights just because she is the wife (and a creepy one at that). You get to call the shots about when people get to meet you and when and where and how. Blah to her - she's not in charge, and I have NO idea why she thinks she is. I guess it sucks to be her and to realize that she is NOT in charge - oh wel.....

 

East coaster responded, " Who the hell are YOU to decide what this woman's place in her husband's life is? It's this very type of obnoxious, self-entitled, self-absorbed, 'me me me!' attitude that's WRONG with this world today. Jesus Christ"

 

East Coaster, You ROCK!! Pretty sure the OP has deluded herself into a Diva Complex. Personally, I don't care if your Madonna, there is No way you have any "rights" upon D-day aide from staying "legally"/physically Safe.

There is no "control" just classless vengeance for not getting what you wanted. Here on LS, she Feeds others anger, pain and heartbreak through convoluted ramblings disguised to support.

 

If I had ever been "in denial" or burying my head in my own arse (couldn't help it, J'adores version struck me as SO much better a description than "sand" lol**), I don't think I would have immediately "believed" an anon email that he'd had an A.

 

It wasn't that I Suspected an A, I totally had zero clue, BUT I know my H and I had to Ask exOW but a couple questions to quickly put the pieces together.

Then I kicked him out and punted him to her.

Then I took him back because he didn't "go" to her.

[2sure]

Looking back at myself when I was BS, I can see where someone with some insight into a part of my life could have thought I was in denial. Hell, afterwards I kicked myself over and over again asking myself the same question.

 

I wasn't in denial. I was doubtful of my own instincts, I was confused by me feelings, I was mistrusting of my judgement, and not secure with my husband or marriage. That's what happens when you know something is not right, but are told things are perfect. It's the result of being lied to while simultaneously being shown love. Every question you ask, is turned back on you.

 

It's hard to explain, but it's a process. It doesn't happen overnight or in a month. It's the part of infidelity that is beyond sex with someone else, way beyond sharing confidences with someone else. It felt like a physical poisoning, that left me sometimes too exhausted or confused to face constant confrontation. Especially when to him, everything was perfect, It was me that had an issue.

[Owl]

thing is I had witnesses and proof and if i met her and him alone in a football field' date=' there would be no witnesses to tell her the truth, just a bunch of poor kids watching an argument.[/quote']

 

Then why didn't you offer a compromise, and agree to meet with her, her H, but ask her to leave the kids with a friend so that they wouldn't be drug into this, and let her know that you'd be bringing a friend along as well who could provice additional "evidence"?

 

Remember...she has no reason to trust you...OR your friends/neighbors.

 

She might very well have felt threatened by having you AND someone else come along.

 

And...she might well have wanted her H there so that she could get the truth from him as well...because then you could confirm or deny whatever he said.

 

Instead...you let her husband run the show and avoid facing that nightmare...which is exactly what it would have been for him. It's the LAST thing he wanted to happen, and I'm sure he was damned glad that you gave him this "out".

 

You can STILL offer this as an option, you know.

 

Insisting that it goes only YOUR way is just as obtuse as you feel she is being by her insistence that it goes HER way. There's this thing called compromise...

[velvette]

I don't even think it's about things said. It's about action (or lack thereof). I am failing to understand the difference between "denial" & "delay". I mean, I get it on a surface level, but it still doesn't explain to me how the shenanigans of pretending you don't know on a day to day basis is not denying but simply a delay...?

 

I think you misunderstood. Based on things OW said, I know she thought I was in denial when I wasn't.....not that she was basing anything on what I said.

 

Anyway, I don't get what you don't understand. I confronted my H or not based on what was convenient for me or what I felt was appropriate to my goal at the time.

 

Why would I act on anyone's timetable but my own?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Any betrayed wives/betrayed spouses here who are aware/suspicious of their husbands infidelity but not saying anything? Why don't you want to confront your husband? Do you think you're just paranoid?

 

A post by an Other Woman wondering why betrayed wives don't confront their husbands and asking, "Do you think you're just paranoid?" I think paranoid is a negative word to associate with the betrayed wife. Maybe, "Do you think you're too trusting?" would have been a nicer way to phrase it. Or just leave that last question out entirely, and leave it at "why don't you want to confront your husband?"

 

The reasons for NOT confronting that I've seen and can think of off the top of my head, in no particular order:

 

1. Fear it will lead to divorce; which in turn could lead to:
   
2. Fear of losing time with the children (mostly cited by husbands but sometimes by a wife), for example only getting to see the kids every Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend;
   
3. Fear of losing financial standing and quality of life, having to pay for lawyers, having to support two households on the same income that already is stretched thin supporting one;
   
4. Fear that they won't be able to find anyone better;
   
5. Fear that a divorce or even knowledge of the affair will damage their children emotionally or educationally;
   
6. Fear that the other woman, who they think has low morals and other very undesirable qualities, will wind up living with their ex-husband and negatively influencing their children;
   
7. They still love their husband and hope things will get better;
   
8. They think their husband will get over the affair partner sooner or later and they will wait it out;
   
9. Their husband is a good liar, very deceptive, and puts enough doubt in their mind that they don't want to falsely accuse and make what is sometimes already a rocky relationship even worse;
   
10. Low self esteem, feeling that they don't deserve any better;
    
11. Engaging in wishful thinking, believing that no matter how bad the facts look, that their husband who has been such a good father and husband in the past could do such a thing;
    
12. They want to maintain the marriage for the sake of appearances;
    
13. They have invested a lot of time in the relationship and don't want to start over from scratch;
    
14. The husband still is staying with them, and they don't care that much if he has an other woman on the side, as long as he still is a good father and/or good provider;
    
15. They don't want to let the other woman "win" (not too common, but I have seen it);
    
16. They themselves are having an affair and so are not that upset by the husband's affair (also not too common, but I have seen it).
    
17. I could probably go on, but those are the ones that come to mind off-hand; I'm sure there are many more cases, but these are the most common (I think) and some of these aren't even that common.
    

I will add just this one observation: The cheater often is a "cake eater." They want to have their cake, and eat it, too - meaning they want to keep both women, their wife and their other woman. Have two women taking care of all of their various needs, and making them feel important and desired. The main goal of the cake eater is to keep eating cake. He has no plans on ending the affair, and he has no plans of dumping the other woman. He likes having both. If your cheating husband, or your married man, falls into this category, don't expect him to end it. He will do whatever it takes to maintain both.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Not a good reason.

 

 

 

Not a good reason.

 

 

 

Or fulfilling more of the man's needs?

 

 

 

Wait while a relationship outside of the primary household flourishes, prospers, and steadily grows...

 

 

 

Makes sense, causes one to wonder why there is so much rockiness in the first place, and what is the true foundation?

 

 

 

Appearances! You've hit the nail on the head!

 

 

 

Terrible reason.

 

 

 

Pathetic.

 

 

 

Dreadful. Especially since the OW usually has the best of both worlds if you ask me. She gets love and affection, yet she's free to embrace a more traditional relationship if she so chooses.

 

 

 

Yes, some men like having two girlfriends.

 

 

 

Right.

 

I guess we all are entitled to our own opinions, even if they lack compassion for someone who is hurting due to another person's unfaithfulness.

 

Of the three people involved - the cheating husband, the betrayed wife, and the other woman - I believe the betrayed wife is the biggest victim. She usually is the only one who did not have a choice in the cheating. The cheating husband made a choice to cheat. I also feel very sorry for the other women in the cases where they were lied to by the cheating husband, either telling them that they were not married or telling them they were separating or getting divorced or have an open marriage or whatever lies are used.

[2sure]

That is very good description. Denial is more like the BW in my situation. She may not have hard evidence (a copy of our conversations) but she has so many truths the only way to believe is lies by denial. But I honestly think she wants some sort of proof so she can stop doubting herself. But, there is none. It just is a he said/she said and a logical look at what went down.

 

You know , I tell people all the time now: go with your gut. You know he is cheating , you don't have to prove it to him , he knows.

 

But at the time, I was the same way , I needed proof . But it wasn't so that I had evidence to confront him with, or even proof I should divorce him. It was a need for myself, to know I wasn't crazy. That's how bad it was.

 

So, it's hard for me to put into words. My previous post that you responded to was regarding denial. And that I could understand how, for someone outside looking in, it would definitely look like denial. But really it was CONFUSION.

 

I had my logic: thousands of text messages, emails, pictures.

And then I had him: These are just friends, networking, some flirting.

At the same time he was behaving in a loving and even adoring way to me...in every way a good husband does.

When I brought this conflict to him, he would reverse the argument by pointing out problems in our marriage real and not, caused by me. I would acknowledge these issues and then wonder if everything was my fault, my paranoia.

 

I couldn't imagine why he would want to lie to me. I really couldn't .

 

So, it wears a person, even a strong experienced person. It confuses you.

[Furious]

Any betrayed wives/betrayed spouses here who are aware/suspicious of their husbands infidelity but not saying anything? Why don't you want to confront your husband? Do you think you're just paranoid?

 

WS's are very careful to not create suspicion in their spouse. The most powerful tool they posses is the trust they know their spouse has in them. More often than not, the WS uses being overworked or stressed out, as a plausible excuse for their moodiness.

 

In hindsight, after discovery a betrayed spouse can identify the signs but for a trusting partner the signs are blurred.

 

In my situation I came across something that my gut could not ignore. I stayed quiet and hired a PI. Instinctively I understood I needed hard proof. Hard proof is a twofold objective. Hard proof is undeniable and also prevents a betrayed spouse to doubt the lies a WS will spin and being subjected to gas lighting.

 

Gas lighting is commonly used as a tactic by a WS to make the betrayed spouse

feel paranoid and delusional. It's purpose is distract from the truth, it's a cruel mind game.

 

 

When I had hard proof, I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.