Have I just been her rebound?

[sambo77]

January: Started dating a 35 year old mum of 3 little ones (I am full time parent to a 5 year old boy too and have been divorced about a year). Found out after a few weeks that she had only been separated a couple of months when we met. She (no...we) moved quickly at the beginning and fell for each other deeply, intensely, and quickly. Looking back on it, within two months, she had already bought me a toothbrush in her house, introduced me to her kids, bought me a Fathers' day gift from her kids, suggested I go on the family camping trip in the summer (with their friends), and paraded me around various parties and gatherings with her friends. She was very intense at the beginning and it took me a while to get up to speed.

 

Despite the fact that we were in deep, from the beginning I always felt like I had to "slot into" her life as it had been with her husband. I'd always be driving to her place (she had a very busy life with kids, a very clingy best friend, parents who are always in her face, and she works 7 days a week most weeks...she seemed very much to be "controlled" by her parents and friends), seeing her when she had the time, and it felt like I was doing most of the sacrificing. But I felt like she needed me (I know...red flag)...and was drawn into being there for her. She wanted to chat on the phone every night, she would text a lot, and she seemed head over heels...eventually I followed suit and the "I love you's" were flowing after 3 months or so.

 

I suppose after a while it all felt like it was getting too much for me. I'd let myself get drawn into her life and was now fully invested in her...I feel like I loved her. But I was doing most of the running...and while I respected that she probably had no choice in that, small cracks started to appear. She went away on holiday with the kids and her incredibly annoying best friend (who would ALWAYS intrude on her space and even had a key to her house...as did her parents).

 

August: After her holiday, was my birthday weekend and we had planned to spend it together...we had looked forward to this for a while. When it came around, she worked, slept, and then announced that we had to go to her cousin's BBQ (which she hadn't told me anything about). I felt a little pissed at this, suddenly felt way down the priority list...I could have gone with her...but I didn't cos I was pretty annoyed. When she eventually got back, we had an argument because I couldn't keep my annoyance in. That week saw us have a couple more arguments and some irritation with each other crept in. I began to see that she was a poor communicator and became frustrated that she WOULD NOT talk about the issues we were going through.

 

Over the next few weeks she became very irritable, cold, distant. I felt very hurt time after time because she was extremely passive-aggressive. My love was rejected and my attempts to communicate were pushed away. I tried hard to talk to her about what was wrong but I always got nothing. Slowly, it felt like the sweet things we both did to make each other feel loved were becoming increasingly one sided (her text messages slowed, she seemed annoyed to hear from me).

 

I became confused...she said she was fine and I was overreacting...my gut told me that wasn't true. I asked her if she was having second thoughts...she said no. Eventually, after weeks of this coldness (and a spoiled camping trip with our kids where she was ultra miserable and angry) she said she felt depressed and overwhelmed with her life and she didn't know what to do but that she didn't want to end our relationship...but didn't like dragging me into her mess.

 

I accepted that. The next weekend I took her out for a really nice date. We went to a really nice restaurant and had a lovely evening together cuddling and being close...she seemed so "normal" that weekend. In the morning, she woke up early and went to work...kissed me goodbye like usual.

 

Then...I went to do some work on her computer (as I usually did)...and...open...on the screen was a paid dating site subscription she'd made two days ago She had a profile up and had been messaging numerous guys...it was all in front of my face. I waited for her to get home and confronted her. She said it was "something her and her friends do at work for fun" and meant nothing. I doubted that (it was a paid site FFS). I was pissed off...but sat down with her to talk. She was crying and said she feels low, depressed, is not going to date others and doesn't know what to do.

 

So we agreed to take some space. But I didn't give her complete space in those next 10 days. I did contact her because I saw that she was still going on this dating site?! I called her and told her she needed to take it down because it was disrespectful. It was like talking to a child who is angry with you because you want them to do their homework...she did not seem sorry or remorseful, but begrudgingly said she'd take it down...when she had time.

 

She hadn't taken it down. I got annoyed and (after she avoided me for a while) we had a text chat where I expressed that she needed to take it down because it was a deal breaker for me. She said she found that way too pressurising and the next day I get an e-mail saying that she had wanted space but I clearly wasn't happy with that...and she doesn't need my pressure right now...so she has to let me go. She felt like she had to be careful what she did and said around me since her cousin's BBQ and that I was being pressuring and controlling.

 

So...that left me in two minds. I feel like I love her. I would not have been worried about giving her space if it had been communicated to me clearly and sensitively...but when someone, just after you've caught them on a dating site which they refuse to delete, hints that they want some space...it kinda makes you a little crazy and confused. She refused to talk to me about anything before all of this...so her e-mail was the first real expression from her of what she feels.

 

Now on the one hand, I fell for her and I feel like I want to continue to show her I care. I have already fallen for her and grown close to her kids. A bit of me feels like I should still be there for her and see if I can turn things around? I have called her once since all of this and we had a warm conversation. But she has not initiated any contact since. Neither have I.

 

Another bit of me says she just needed to fill the void left by her husband ASAP...and that was my purpose. She then woke up and realised that she'd gotten herself into another relationship with a completely different individual that wasn't right for her for whatever reason?

 

But why the dating site? Was I so replaceable? If she doesn't want another relationship so quickly why is she out looking for one again? :mad:

 

Not sure why she'd be so cruel. I really trusted her and opened my heart to her and I feel like she just squeezed what she wanted out of it and tossed it aside.

[betteru]

Short answer is yes. I know this may sound painful, but you really need to stay away from this woman.

 

How in the world do you expect to have a meaningful relationship with someone who has so much dysfunction in her life? Her friends have keys to her house????

 

Worse yet, she's on a paid dating site. There is not much more to say. Stay away from this one and stop appearing so needy. Women hate that in men and I'm sure you can easily move on to someone who has more time and RESPECT for you. End of story.