OW: Do you feel single or commited?

[C00kie]

Unmarried OW who have relationships with MM that are not about sex:

 

When somebody asks you "do you have a boyfriend", what do you say? Do you feel like MM is your boyfriend? Or do you see yourself as single women?

 

I know I surely don't feel single, but is it right/fair do say I have a boyfriend...when that person's married?

 

I once asked my MM what we were and he said "well, you're my girlfriend".

 

But I don't feel like I'm anyone's girlfriend. I feel commited because I am commited to him, my feelings are with him. But feels weird saying or considering he's my boyfriend since he's married. At the same time, our relationship really is like boyf/girlf except that he's married, of course.

 

Anyway, when someone asks, I always say I'm single to avoid further questions. But if it was someone you'd never see again - what would you say?

 

I know it's just a matter of how you call it, doesn't mean much, but I was wondering what you think about it

[SarahJames]

Unmarried OW who have relationships with MM that are not about sex:

 

When somebody asks you "do you have a boyfriend", what do you say? Do you feel like MM is your boyfriend? Or do you see yourself as single women?

 

I know I surely don't feel single, but is it right/fair do say I have a boyfriend...when that person's married?

 

I once asked my MM what we were and he said "well, you're my girlfriend".

 

But I don't feel like I'm anyone's girlfriend. I feel commited because I am commited to him, my feelings are with him. But feels weird saying or considering he's my boyfriend since he's married. At the same time, our relationship really is like boyf/girlf except that he's married, of course.

 

Anyway, when someone asks, I always say I'm single to avoid further questions. But if it was someone you'd never see again - what would you say?

 

I know it's just a matter of how you call it, doesn't mean much, but I was wondering what you think about it

 

I have never said that the MM was my boyfriend to anyone. It sounds so twisted to say "he's my boyfriend" when he has a wife. He, however, has called his previous mistresses "girlfriends" which I thought was messed up. You're married. You can't have a girlfriend when you have a WIFE. I know what you mean though about your feelings being committed...but I NEVER wanted to see MYSELF as committed to HIM. In fact, I didn't want myself to feel committed to him so much that I slept with other people just to clarify that for myself - and let me tell you, that did not make anything better. It only confirmed that my feelings where in fact committed to him, but he is not my boyfriend. I am not his girlfriend. And we will never be so long as he is married. We are/used to be (trying to move on) ex-FWB's.

[SarahJames]

Unmarried OW who have relationships with MM that are not about sex:

 

When somebody asks you "do you have a boyfriend", what do you say? Do you feel like MM is your boyfriend? Or do you see yourself as single women?

 

I know I surely don't feel single, but is it right/fair do say I have a boyfriend...when that person's married?

 

I once asked my MM what we were and he said "well, you're my girlfriend".

 

But I don't feel like I'm anyone's girlfriend. I feel commited because I am commited to him, my feelings are with him. But feels weird saying or considering he's my boyfriend since he's married. At the same time, our relationship really is like boyf/girlf except that he's married, of course.

 

Anyway, when someone asks, I always say I'm single to avoid further questions. But if it was someone you'd never see again - what would you say?

 

I know it's just a matter of how you call it, doesn't mean much, but I was wondering what you think about it

 

Here is something else I thought about since reading your post: If your MM is saying you're his "girlfriend," does that mean he also has slots available to fill the position of "mistress," "lover," and "friend with benefits" since he already has a "girlfriend" and a "wife"? Something is wrong with these men who choose to believe they can claim one woman as their wife and another as the girlfriend, etc. they have a huge sense of entitlement when in fact they don't even deserve the wife, let alone the girlfriend. I feel we're worth so much more than that, and we don't deserve to share a man and his time with another woman

[Gisss]

Unmarried OW who have relationships with MM that are not about sex:

 

When somebody asks you "do you have a boyfriend", what do you say? Do you feel like MM is your boyfriend? Or do you see yourself as single women?

 

I know I surely don't feel single, but is it right/fair do say I have a boyfriend...when that person's married?

 

I once asked my MM what we were and he said "well, you're my girlfriend".

 

But I don't feel like I'm anyone's girlfriend. I feel commited because I am commited to him, my feelings are with him. But feels weird saying or considering he's my boyfriend since he's married. At the same time, our relationship really is like boyf/girlf except that he's married, of course.

 

Anyway, when someone asks, I always say I'm single to avoid further questions. But if it was someone you'd never see again - what would you say?

 

I know it's just a matter of how you call it, doesn't mean much, but I was wondering what you think about it

 

Well... My MM tells me that his wife is his WIFE. And I am supposed to be everything else, girlfriend, mistress, friend, his life... Bla bla bla... When somebody asks me if I'm single I say yes. Just because I'm not married and I cannot say that I have a boyfriend as for me he's not my boyfriend. I think he is my MM, as simple as that.

[MissBee]

Well, nobody is perfect, it's less than ideal, he told me his situation up front, I could have taken or left it. I just happen to like the little fella No one is perfect. I see his situation as a liability (such as debt) but if he likes it, I love it. He's a grown man, free to make his decisions (which I'm so glad include choosing me when we have time). I'm not the boss of him. I'm not the one he has to watch the clock for so he doesn't get in trouble with his "Mom"

 

M-e-s-s!

 

In any case, to the question: at the time, I did consider myself single. However, it was a conundrum because I wasn't emotionally available for a real relationship with available men because I was in love and for all intents and purposes in a relationship with a taken one. Smh. I find based on my own experiences and reading here, an affair is a big grab bag of confusion, paradoxes, counterproductive behaviors and contradictions, as so much is doing one thing and saying another, wanting one thing and accepting another, not quite knowing what what's what and it's just very convoluted! I hesitated to call him my bf but he was all too happy to call me his gf ....I eventually called him my bf as when he was around it was easier to say that than anything else...but each time I said it I felt very conflicted about it, as my motto was that I wasn't going to give him everything a single relationship required if we in fact were not exclusive...yet I did in some ways and didn't in others and in the end it was still back to the confusion, paradox, counterproductive behaviors and contradictions that govern almost all As.

[Goodbye]

Interesting question.

 

During the "peak" of my R with ExMM (when I still thought he was separated and divorcing) I considered myself committed. I didn't talk to many people about it, but I'd walk around with a sh*t eating grin, like I'd won the lottery. I was in love, and very much monogamous on my end. This was until March. After that, I was too despondent to seek out dates, but considered myself single although exMM claimed he was still very much "mine." He was never mine, bottom line.

 

During our last break of NC a month ago, he asked me to remain committed to him. I told him absolutely not...in fact I'd seek out others if that would help me get over him. I went on one date-ish type of thing and all it did was make me miss the comfort level I had with exMM. So, I'm stuck in that not ready to be single, but definitely not spoken for spot in life. A real blast in middle age! Thumbs up for dating in your 40s!

[Goodbye]

Oh, and at the end my exMM would tell me I was his "real wife." Ha. Now that makes me sick. He said he "couldn't" have sex with his W even if he wanted to because that would make him feel like he was cheating.

 

Wow...what a convoluted mess. If any of that was true, it must have been one confusing way to manage life.

[LilGirlandOW]

In the beginning of PA, monogamy was something we both agreed on, so moving forward from that day I felt committed, as I committed myself to him.

 

At about 4-5mnths in EA, a couple months in PA, we had the gf/bf talk.

 

My family know he is my bf, his family know of me as his gf. I do tell friends and coworkers I have a bf, yes. I'm more a keep to myself type, more a listener so I don't share much with people in general.

[goodyblue]

From the moment we began dating we referred to one another as boyfriend/girlfriend. We have been committed from the beginning to each other.

[bentleychic]

I consider myself to be in a committed relationship. I refer to him as my boyfriend to friends or people that don't know the situation. We refer to each other as that if we have the "what do we consider each other" talk. lol

[Goodbye]

From the moment we began dating we referred to one another as boyfriend/girlfriend. We have been committed from the beginning to each other.

 

 

So does your MM tell you the whole "just friends with the wife" thing?

[SarahJames]

With the amount of OWs in the world that are girlfriends, it kind of defies your claim that a man can't have a wife and a girlfriend, lol. The wife has one role, the girlfriend has another - they usually don't fill the SAME role at all - so, using different names for them makes sense. And, just because someone is married doesn't mean that they can't love someone else, obviously or these boards wouldn't exist - someone that you love and are intimate with is your boy/girlfriend - which is exactly what I was while his wife was his wife (sort of, lol).

 

I know what you mean. But shouldn't the wife have the intimacy role covered as well? What happens once the relationship the MM has with his "girlfriend" becomes routine too? What happens once the sex is no longer as passionate? What happens once it develops into something similar to a marriage? Does he then search for a "mistress" for more passionate intimacy? In my opinion, it shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't have to lie and deceive in order to have all your wants/needs fulfilled. If the person you are committed to isn't keeping you satisfied, you should leave, not find a girlfriend. Easier said than done, right?

[goodyblue]

So does your MM tell you the whole "just friends with the wife" thing?

 

He's divorced. We're together. She is not part of our lives.

[Goodbye]

He's divorced. We're together. She is not part of our lives.

 

 

Oh, ok. Well, then you aren't an OW. I think that is who the question was for.

[SarahJames]

The last sentence is correct. But, the part you are missing is that the spouse who is purposely not satisfying the other is the one that is putting the other spouse into a lose/lose situation and expecting them to deal with it OR do the dirty work that they themselves should be doing. Passive aggressive, dishonest, cruel, selfish, etc.

 

I completely understand what you mean about a spouse making a unilateral decision, etc...But maybe you have a specific scenario in mind - perhaps a scenario in which the marriage is on the way to a divorce i.e. already sleeping in separate beds/bedrooms, barely communicating, always fighting etc.

 

My situation consists of one where the MM claims to love his BS, wants to stay with her, he even admits to having sex with her (just not as FREQUENTLY as he'd like)...To seek a "girlfriend" or mistress just because your spouse is only putting out twice a month, meanwhile everything else in your marriage is fine, is crazy in my opinion. If your marriage is generally good, then improving your sex life shouldn't seem like mission impossible. I just can't wrap my head around it.

[bentleychic]

Some people would always assume we are more than friends, but we'd correct them to "no, we're just friends".

Oh I don't mean when out and about together. I just mean if I bring him up in conversation or something.

[goodyblue]

Oh, ok. Well, then you aren't an OW. I think that is who the question was for.

 

But I was.

[cocorico]

Unmarried OW who have relationships with MM that are not about sex:

 

When somebody asks you "do you have a boyfriend", what do you say? Do you feel like MM is your boyfriend? Or do you see yourself as single women?

 

I know I surely don't feel single, but is it right/fair do say I have a boyfriend...when that person's married?

 

I once asked my MM what we were and he said "well, you're my girlfriend".

 

But I don't feel like I'm anyone's girlfriend. I feel commited because I am commited to him, my feelings are with him. But feels weird saying or considering he's my boyfriend since he's married. At the same time, our relationship really is like boyf/girlf except that he's married, of course.

 

Anyway, when someone asks, I always say I'm single to avoid further questions. But if it was someone you'd never see again - what would you say?

 

I know it's just a matter of how you call it, doesn't mean much, but I was wondering what you think about it

 

During the A, we listed ourselves on FB as being "in a R" with each other. I referred to him as my lover, and later as my partner.

[bentleychic]

During your A while he was married, you both had "In a relationship with (boyfriend/girlfriend" for all to see? I have mine as "in a relationship", but not who it's with.

[Rhema]

I always say, "I'm seeing someone". Because I am. I don't go into details. Its best not to discuss your personal life in depth anyway.

 

And I am totally committed (because I chose to be). Its a choice.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Rhema

[Popsicle]

Curious...So do MM like it when you tell other people (esp. in public) that he is your boyfriend?

[synes]

Maybe it's a bit different in my situation as we have made a mutual decision not to have sex, but it is most certainly an EA with expressed feelings.

I feel single, because I am but I feel also I'm in limbo, neither entirely free nor directly committed. I am free to do as I please and if I choose to date then he is hardly in a position to object yet when one of his friends asked me to dinner he was very upset and angry at his friend for hitting on me when he 'knew' about 'us' and should have respected the situation... the irony....so I agree about the convoluted thoughts and actions of an affair.