Stop the Chase, or you will be replaced!

October 12, 2013

I'm going to give you Girls and Guys a little advice if you have just went through a break-up and want to work things out and possibly mend the fences. And this is coming from a guy in my mid 40's that has had several relationships in my lifetime so I think I know a little about break-ups.

When a girl or guy decides they want to end the relationship and you both end it, at that point the person that got dumped just lost their power. You feel devastated, you feel not needed and to be honest kinda worthless. In your mind all you can think about is how to get this person back, and you will spend days and possibly weeks analizing what went wrong and how it got to this point. You will first start remembering all the good memories and possibly even put your ex on a pedestal thinking he/she was perfect..

But then after a few days reality kicks in and you will start remembering some of the times when he/she treated you cold and distant, you will remember the time that ex took advantage of your good nature and at that point you will feel like he/she at times used you for their selfish needs. When you finally get to the point that you feel a little used and that you stop putting that ex on a pedestal and realize your ex was selfish, you are now ready to get your inner power back and here is what you do.

You get off that sorry rear and dust yourself off and start doing things you would usually never do.. If you have been chasing him/her you are giving them total power knowing they can have you back anytime they want if they so desire and that is feeding their ego.. You MUST go to no-contact and if they call or send a text it's okay to respond but let a few hours pass before you respond, and ONLY respond with a VERY short response!

You have got to make this person understand that you are not sitting around waiting on them, sign up for a dating site, hang out with friends or hit the gym or do anything that makes you appear you have moved on.

Inside you are destroyed, but you can NEVER show this weakness to anyone, because if you do it WILL get back to him/her and your weakness feeds their ego. You have to appear that you are okay with this break-up

and you are moving forward with your life.

Right now he/she is filling the void you left with their closest friends, they possibly are filling that void with another person of the opposite sex, so they are not dwelling on the breakup like you are because they hold the power. And as long as you keep chasing them and they KNOW it, they will always have your power!. The minute they figure out you are no longer interested in them the power changes hands, they will feel the rejection and they will start to wonder why you no longer wish to chase them.. They will now begin to remember how you made them a priority (hopefully you made them a priority)..

They will possibly send you a text that will be brief and most likely will not be about your relationship, it will be about something that has nothing to do with the breakup, it will most likely be a question asking for info about an event, or he/she will be relaying a message about someone else, or it might simply be a text asking how you are...

I don't believe in totally ignoring these text because that's rude, but I do believe in putting him/her on ice and waiting at least 2 hours before you return a message... This will send a clear message that you are no longer chasing them and they are no longer your priority! And their ego will take a serious blow once they realize they are no longer the center of attention.

They might be seen out with friends living it up and on the surface appear happy, they might be out with another guy/girl and appear okay. But believe me when I tell you this, when they go home alone or when they have moments to themselves to think, they will feel a loss inside their heart and they they will miss YOU....But they will NEVER miss you if they feel they could get you back at any moment...So stop the chase or you will be replaced !

Edited October 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 12, 2013

If NC is rude, in your opinion, then responding to these breadcrumbs achieves what exactly? Yup, nothing but setback. Just ignore them (it was worse of them to break your heart) and move on.

October 12, 2013

I'm saying to respond in a controlled manner... If you were the type of person that keeps your phone with you at all times and always answers text in a timely manner, your ex will expect you to answer her/him shortly after they send you a text... If you totally ignore them they will know you are ignoring them out of spite, but if you wait 2 hours and put them on ice and when you do finally respond with a VERY short response, they will begin to wonder what is going on in your life that it took you 2 hours to respond and when you finally did you didn't have time to get into a lengthy conversation...this will drive their ego crazy because they thought they were the most important thing in YOUR life and now all the sudden they are not...they will begin to feel the loss,believe me!!!

October 12, 2013

What a great post, thank you! I agree, if you ignore them they will think you hate them. Love and hate are one of the same. Make them think you're indifferent.

Will this work for me? My ex of a LDR dumped me three weeks ago but it was because I stopped talking to her and giving her attention. I didn't even message her for weeks. I was already low contact with her and that's why she dumped me. I wasn't there for her.

Should I do this or should I try and show how I AM missing her? If she thinks I've moved on already she will only think her decision was right after all? Right now she knows she can have me anytime she wants, she knows she is single by her own choice.

She doesn't want to talk to me or contact me. She may be reading my deviantart journals or a forum I visit but that's it.

Edited October 12, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

October 12, 2013

Every break-up is different due to the reasons of why it came to that point and I can only tell you what's working for me.

My ex and I had a wonderful relationship for the past 5 months, we never had an argument, I truly treated her like a princess with lots of respect, her parents and friends loved me and overall we loved being in each others company.

I think where we went wrong is I became predictable, possibly a little boring. When we would want to go out for dinner I would always say "Whatever you want babe, I'm good with anything"...Thats boring!

What I should have said was "I'm kinda craving crab legs and a good glass of Pinot Noir wine, and I've heard the seafood house on West End has awesome atmosphere..want to try it?"...

In other words, I should have taken the lead and been more agressive making decisions..you get the point !

She actually initiated contact with me via text after 7 days of NC... I waited 2 ours and replied with a VERY short response, 2 days later she responded again asking whats my plans this weekend, I replied saying our mutual friends (actually her friends) called and invited me to their home for the weekend to grill and golf... She responded in a jealous manner and also sent a text to them in a jealous manner...so the power has now shifted !

I'm not saying she will want to reconcile with me, but what i'm saying is she misses me and I think she is realizing that she had a guy who treated her with respect and really truly cares for her, and she understands she's about to lose a great partner!

I know in my heart I was truly a great partner to her and NO man could ever treat her better, they might matchthe respect I showed her, but never could they exceed what I showed her in making her a priority.. She will miss that, and if I were a betting man I would guess after about a month of missing that type of affection I showed her, she will wish she had me back in her life...and thats the best I can hope for...I wish you the best of luck with your ex...and hope you heal soon cause I know it hurts.

October 12, 2013

I've done what you said. I started LC, but nothing happened. I did notice my ex started contacting me more and being sweet again, as soon as I started ignoring him. But still breadcrumbs, nothing concrete.

So that's why I went NC.

October 12, 2013

Nice post OP, I agree with most of it as it is pretty much the conventional LS wisdom.

I resorted to blocking my ex on FB a little over a month after the breakup because we weren't in contact whatsoever. She didn't even acknowledge a letter I wrote her 10 days after the BU nor a comment I made on her Facebook 10 days after that.

Maybe indifference is the best, but I had to put myself first and block her on FB to help my moving on process. I also did not want her to have the luxury of monitoring my life. I haven't had the choice to indulge in LC but I don't see why it would work. Why respond to texts from someone who gave up on you and the relationship? If they can bring themselves to end it, they can bring themselves to try and bring it back together, too.

imo the sooner you can go NC, the better because I agree that weakness feeds the dumper's ego. I wish I knew all I know now while my ex were still in contact but unfortunately I was a pretty typical dumpee. It's been 2 1/2 months since I've heard anything from her and while I've hoped and hoped she will eventually contact me some day to give me something, it's really wearing me down and I can't sustain hope forever. Sometimes hope makes me feel better but I have to drill it into my head there is a very real possibility I will never hear from my ex again and I have to be able to accept that outcome.

October 12, 2013

I've done what you said. I started LC, but nothing happened. I did notice my ex started contacting me more and being sweet again, as soon as I started ignoring him. But still breadcrumbs, nothing concrete.

So that's why I went NC.

Same here. I did LC with him always initiating, and he did start to get worried and contacted me more. Still though, he was going back and forth and acting confused. So it really just ended in more stress for me, and I went NC.

October 14, 2013

Great post makes total sense im 4mnths into my breakup 13 years down the pan ive been txting my wife virtually everyday since im now taking in the fact i should have done all what you said.

This week i think she offered me sum crumbs by saying to me im blowing all my chances! Then i felt a bit like shes changing her mind only to tell me the day after that she ment in the future maybe a year or two down the line (WTF)

I think what ur saying about the power is key i felt like i was moving on a bit past few weeks then she reels me back in!

What do you suggest i phone my kids everynite on facetime she seems ok with me to talk,but i sent her sum pics the other night which she deleted one which was her and my daughter i said my two beautiful girls her reply was ur just winding urself up!

What do you suggest i cant go nc as ive gt kids im also having them when she wants to do things cause they do not like her mother should i give her all this freedom having the kids even at her house

And one friend suggested i put pics of myself with other girls on fb to get her jealous but i reckon she would do it back and that would hurt me more any suggestions anyone plz

October 14, 2013

Great post makes total sense im 4mnths into my breakup 13 years down the pan ive been txting my wife virtually everyday since im now taking in the fact i should have done all what you said.
This week i think she offered me sum crumbs by saying to me im blowing all my chances! Then i felt a bit like shes changing her mind only to tell me the day after that she ment in the future maybe a year or two down the line (WTF)

I think what ur saying about the power is key i felt like i was moving on a bit past few weeks then she reels me back in!
What do you suggest i phone my kids everynite on facetime she seems ok with me to talk,but i sent her sum pics the other night which she deleted one which was her and my daughter i said my two beautiful girls her reply was ur just winding urself up!
What do you suggest i cant go nc as ive gt kids im also having them when she wants to do things cause they do not like her mother should i give her all this freedom having the kids even at her house

And one friend suggested i put pics of myself with other girls on fb to get her jealous but i reckon she would do it back and that would hurt me more any suggestions anyone plz

I don't really any helpful advice for the situation you're in but don't do that Facebook thing your friend recommended it's really immature and it will only backfire. Let time do its thing, work on yourself, don't beg. Look good. Try to be the person she fell in love with?

October 14, 2013

What do you guys suggest with the kids,they do not like her mum at all i have them sun tue thur and fri through till sat teatime whilst she goes staying at her friends farm.Am i giving her all the freedom should it stop and i let her mum look after them,im so torn .

And what do you guys think on what she said to me about im blowing my chances?? She is aware one girl keeps liking my posts on fb and has commented now and again,she basically said go shag this other girl she looks like a hooker anyway.

October 14, 2013

There's just that line. That line that you have to know within that signifies if there is a chance for reconciliation or if it's just her stringing you along until something better comes along. I'm currently at that point. 6 years with an amazing girl, one break up 5 months ago, rushed back into things and fell apart again last week and she ended it yet again. Last night she came to me with some personal issues that she has and will only share with me and I was there for her. Regardless of NC or not my morals and values are when a person is in need and you truly care for them, you support them. It was a step back for me because her opening up to me made me think "wow she can still come to me with these things, obviously she has something still left there". But in retrospect to that she has also told me our time is done and that she is willing to move on if a person catches her interest. It's such a delicate line. Does she still have something left and just needs her time or are these just breadcrumbs? I used today as a basis and decided if she did contact me that maybe she did have some ounce of hope, but so far nothing. You either view it as her being in a weak point and coming to the person who has been her rock for years passed and she knows nothing else or you see it as a hopeful sign. The heart always says hopeful sign, but I'm learning that what the head is telling you as hard as it is to grasp is usually the way the situation needs to be viewed.

October 16, 2013

There's just that line. That line that you have to know within that signifies if there is a chance for reconciliation or if it's just her stringing you along until something better comes along. I'm currently at that point. 6 years with an amazing girl, one break up 5 months ago, rushed back into things and fell apart again last week and she ended it yet again. Last night she came to me with some personal issues that she has and will only share with me and I was there for her. Regardless of NC or not my morals and values are when a person is in need and you truly care for them, you support them. It was a step back for me because her opening up to me made me think "wow she can still come to me with these things, obviously she has something still left there". But in retrospect to that she has also told me our time is done and that she is willing to move on if a person catches her interest. It's such a delicate line. Does she still have something left and just needs her time or are these just breadcrumbs? I used today as a basis and decided if she did contact me that maybe she did have some ounce of hope, but so far nothing. You either view it as her being in a weak point and coming to the person who has been her rock for years passed and she knows nothing else or you see it as a hopeful sign. The heart always says hopeful sign, but I'm learning that what the head is telling you as hard as it is to grasp is usually the way the situation needs to be viewed.

A selfish girl.. thats the bottom line

October 17, 2013

I originally went through with this plan. Exactly the same thing happened to me after she ended it. We stopped talking but she would text once a week asking about a MRI of my shoulder. I would respond hours later and not let it go into a conversation. Really does work in terms of power... She started saying stuff like how she felt like she was the one dumped... Of course the one thing that probably ruined all my momentum is that I had to pick up some of my things and a birthday present from her that finally came in after the break up. I wasn't about to pass 300$ tickets to my favorite band. That night I stood around for too long, we both mentioned that we had already gone on dates with others, and to really get me jealous she mentioned in detail of the sexual acts she did with these guys. Now I never felt so jealous in my life and in a matter of a week lost it and I lost all my power. Now sometimes I think "I should have walked away as soon as I picked up my stuff" but then I realize what a bitch she turned out to be to mention she was already giving oral sex to guys within weeks of our break up.... Don't think that is a person I want back... I on the other hand waited till my next relationship to have sex again. I consider myself the victor at the end regardless. Learned so much from my break up that I wouldn't trade who I am today for being back in that relationship (it was an amazing relationship, but I like myself more now than back then)

October 18, 2013

I agree, i went no contact for about 2 weeks i was hurt cause it seemed like she had moved on and was even talking to other guys. She messaged me 2 days ago asking how i was doing i responded kindly. 2 hours later she spilled her guts and told me she really misses me. I dont think i handled it well because i showed that i missed her too but point is they do miss you if you go and do your own thing.

October 19, 2013

Original thread starter is right, my ex after we broke up was always posting her happiness on line. But when I saw her she was a shadow of herself. Was driving by and she saw me she was looking so sad. Couldn't look up at my car. I felt bad. Almost called her but controlled myself. They feel pain too unless you were really worthless to them. Just stay strong its the best way to get them back

October 19, 2013

Yep I see my exs photos on instagram and she is smiling but her eyes look awfully sad. I just wish I could kiss her better. She is all happy on the outside but it's that "look at me I'm super happy" persona. It's like she's sad but doesn't want to be sad so she doesn't know what else to do.

That's what I think anyways.

I feel the same way.

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