SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate?
unicorn farts Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Hi Sarah, I think the best thing you can do to help yourself heal is take some time for yourself away from men and relationships. Finding someone to talk to (a counselor or friend/family member) would help too. I know you can learn to trust and love again, but it will take time. You have a lot to process right now and a lot of ugly emotions to work through, but you are DONE with this man and that is a HUGE first step towards healing yourself! Take care of yourself and I know you will be OK, now and in the future. You are very aware of 'red flags' now, too ... and that will help you weed out the jerks pretending to be charmers. 3
C00kie Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? I think about it differently: when you finally get a good, single man, you'll probably appreciate it so much more than any other person would...you'll value all the little things you didn't have before, things that probably would go unoticed to any other person. Being able to call him, not having to say hard goodbyes, travelling with him and being able to tell everyone how it went...having him by your side every night when you fall asleep and every morning when you wake up, knowing time is not against you, but on your side. It is possible, and likely, that when/if we meet new people all kinds of doubts will always be on the back of our minds: what kind of person he really is, will he hurt us down the road, etc etc etc. But we musn't let ourselves get eaten up in disbelief and sadness over human relations. I think we deserve to be happy and I guess it's like Michael Buble said in "Haven't met you yet": I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck 3
cocorico Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? I learned valuable lessons about M from my A. I learned how bad a M can get if both partners are not fully invested in it, and how easily a vulnerable neglected spouse can be to an A if the right person comes along. But rather than making me worry about whether he loves me, whether the sex is keeping him satisfied, etc, it has taught me to communicate. If we're regularly talking about our R, about how we feel in it (and being honest) and asking and listening and creating the space for each other to say how they feel, there is less need to worry and awfulise. I feel I developed and expanded a skillset that will stand me in good stead in this, or any other, R, and that however it ultimately works out, the experiences and the lessons will have enriched my life considerably, and I don't consider that "damage". 3
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to think you can trust someone after seeing how easy it can be for people to lie. Myself, I'm so tired of lying. I don't ever want to go through everything I'm going through now ever again. It's too stressful and it hurts too much. It hurts everyone too much. I will say I feel damaged. Not in the same way you are asking but I do. I really do. It's hard to give uplifting advice in a forum where I feel like I can be seen as a hypocrite, and rightly so. But when you start looking again, find that single guy who can be your best friend first. Falling in love with my best friend has got to be the best relationship I've ever had (despite the A stuff involved). We are so close and honest with each other. Even if it hurts we are always honest with each other. You can and will find faith in people again. Trusting people will be hard but it will be rewarding when you find the right person.
thefooloftheyear Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Anyone who enters into an affair in the first place was/is already damaged..Including me.. That being said. any "honest" relationship can easily turn into an abusive , dishonest, and decietful one just as easily as anythinbg else..(shrug) TFY Edited October 14, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 2
GypsumSatellite Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 There are times I've felt damaged. I know what led me to become the OW, though. I know what was going on in my life that allowed my usual defenses to be down. I know what caused me to end a streak of dating average, stable guys who just lacked basic how-to-treat-girls knowledge. MM is/was damaged too. Hopefully he recognizes what led him to be open to this choice, again. Hopefully he'll see that dating me isn't the solution to what's going wrong at home or inside his head. I don't know how I'll date someone else and feel secure. I'd lost a lot of faith in having a partner with my last BF, and with MM my fears of certain things have only escalated. I've seen too much, really. Know too much of how a man's mind can work. How he can run parallel relationships and have no problem with it. How easily it can be done, how neatly it can fit in with his normal day of work and errands. I may know what to look out for in the future, but it doesn't reassure me that I'll want to look any time soon. I'll always have this thought in the back of my head "Can any of us ever be enough for our partners or are we all destined to be cheated on or cheat ourselves?"
RickFox Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Anyone who enters into an affair in the first place was/is already damaged..Including me.. That being said. any "honest" relationship can easily turn into an abusive , dishonest, and decietful one just as easily as anythinbg else..(shrug) TFY Yes sir. I. am a damaged broken empty soul
crederer Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 It's kind of ironic in that you're afraid of having a single man because you don't want him to demonstrate the behaviours of the same man you are with now....just think about that for a moment. 2
Author SarahJames Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 There are times I've felt damaged. I know what led me to become the OW, though. I know what was going on in my life that allowed my usual defenses to be down. I know what caused me to end a streak of dating average, stable guys who just lacked basic how-to-treat-girls knowledge. MM is/was damaged too. Hopefully he recognizes what led him to be open to this choice, again. Hopefully he'll see that dating me isn't the solution to what's going wrong at home or inside his head. I don't know how I'll date someone else and feel secure. I'd lost a lot of faith in having a partner with my last BF, and with MM my fears of certain things have only escalated. I've seen too much, really. Know too much of how a man's mind can work. How he can run parallel relationships and have no problem with it. How easily it can be done, how neatly it can fit in with his normal day of work and errands. I may know what to look out for in the future, but it doesn't reassure me that I'll want to look any time soon. I'll always have this thought in the back of my head "Can any of us ever be enough for our partners or are we all destined to be cheated on or cheat ourselves?" I completely agree - I have lost faith too due to seeing how some men are capable of living these double lives with no guilt. It's way too easy to get away with too. I too may know what to look out for in the future, but that's no way to live - always looking out to make sure there aren't signs he MIGHT be cheating? What a wonderful quote, "Can any of us ever be enough for our partners or are we all destined to be cheated on or cheat ourselves". Perfect.
Author SarahJames Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 It's kind of ironic in that you're afraid of having a single man because you don't want him to demonstrate the behaviours of the same man you are with now....just think about that for a moment. BELIEVE ME, I know how ironic that sounds. But here's the thing, right now (being the OW) I know he's cheating. He's not cheating on me, because he didn't promise me commitment. Dating a single man, I'm investing my feelings into someone who may or may not betray me. I suppose it's the difference of "knowing" when you're with a cheater, and "not-knowing" if your spouse may one day end up being a cheater. It's scary. It's a risk we take, but it's scary. I'm scared.
thecharade Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I see it a little differently. Whether you are an OP or BS or WS, if you use what happened as a learning and growth opportunity and do some work on yourself, you end up in a better place (albeit a very s#itty way of getting there). You learn about human weakness, you gain compassion, you learn to stand up for yourself and prioritize yourself, you learn self love and selflessness, and you learn about how complicated life truly is. Then you take all that and go forward and love differently, more deeply, better. It takes a huge amount of work, but many a BS has written about not settling for their old M but wanting a new, better M. The concept applies to all love relationships. Can you, Sarah, go forward with a different concept of love, one that requires you get as much as you give? If you do that, then the risk will not only feel manageable because you know you will be ok no matter what he may do, but the R also won't come with a false "you would never" or "he would never." Or maybe you'll pick someone with better qualities or see warning signs that others will miss. Or maybe these realizations will keep you talking in an R more, asking for help sooner, or keeping precious couple time even when life gets busy. This experience hurt like anything, but from the pain should come a changed (better!) you that can handle anything. You will be fine!!! People have different personalities. My sister has a very dependent marriage, and it really worries me. She would never cheat because she completely relies on her H for everything. But him? If he does ANYTHING that causes her pain, she will need hospitalization! He can't lose his job, suffer a disability, develop an addiction, have an affair, or (heaven forbid) die! Not because it would be terrible for him but because it would be insurmountable for her. Living through the aftermath and pain of an A feels like drowning, but the new you will be wiser and stronger, and allow you to love more genuinely and reciprocally. If you allow all the lessons in. Just because there has been no trauma (like my sis) does not mean someone is better off. You are being put back together bionics-style! All of us are, if we accept all of the lessons in our own lives.
hollyhillcourt Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 IN any event, the key is to void players. The problem is that you are very attracted to players. If you find a non player type man with potential to be faithful you may think he is a geek. That is a problem! Considering that I do not know the OP or the MM - I still could not agree with this statement more!!! TRUE!!!
bentleychic Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I feel more damaged from my prior marriage than I do from my A. 2
underwater2010 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 And this is exactly the position that BS's find themselves in after DDay. Now that you have that insight....can you continue or ever find yourself to be the OW again? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I feel more damaged from my prior marriage than I do from my A. Good point... But, understand if the shyt hits the fan for you with this deal(and I am not wishing that on you), your perspective may change dramatically...At least, judging from your posts, you seem more reasonable about how deep the water is... TFY 1
bentleychic Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Good point... But, understand if the shyt hits the fan for you with this deal(and I am not wishing that on you), your perspective may change dramatically...At least, judging from your posts, you seem more reasonable about how deep the water is... TFY Maybe so, but 17 years of a couple forms of abuse did quite a number on me, too (The irony (and stupidity) is not lost on me that I went from one f'ed up situation to another, for the record.)
bentleychic Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I agree with this. My affair ultimately broke my heart but my marriage nearly destroyed my soul. Neglect and abuse is the worst combination. I agree. The only thing positive I took away from my marriage is my children. Though I will say finally making my way out made me stronger than ever and, hopefully, was a good example for my children, though it doesn't make up for all the $@&! that they saw and heard all of the years. (If someone asked me my biggest regret, it would not be my A. It would be staying in such a screwed up marriage for so long.) 3
MuddyFootprints Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? Yes, I did and I can relate. Believe me, the damage is surmountable.
KathyM Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately, many people don't learn from past mistakes. They continue to make the same mistakes again, or are vulnerable to make the same mistakes, because they have not dealt with or know how to deal with the issues within themselves that caused them to be vulnerable to affairs. So the argument that people learn something from affairs really doesn't hold water, unless that person does a tremendous amount of self reflection and has a tremendous amount of self awareness to realize what, within themselves, made them take that step, or they learn it through counseling. As far as realizing how damaging or destructive an affair can be, do you really need to experience an affair to know how destructive it is or can be? I think it's pretty common knowledge that affairs damage/destroy marriages. A person doesn't need to have an affair to realize that they are destructive. Maybe an OW/OM may believe the affair would not be harmful to themselves, but when they experience it, they find out it is very harmful to them. I think it damages a person's self esteem and self concept, and his ability to trust. I guess, in that respect, they may learn to have better boundaries and to be better aware of the harmful effects to them of chosing to engage in an affair. Unfortunately, some people have an optimistic idea of how an affair may turn out, and it usually ends up blowing up in their face when the reality hits. Only 3% of affairs end up with the APs together in an exclusive relationship, and at tremendous cost to the BS and children. Of that 3%, the vast majority end in separation/divorce. If people had the concept of respecting boundaries and the concept that affairs are damaging/destructive (which should be common knowledge), they would avoid the pain. Learning the hard way that affairs are damaging/destructive is so unnecessary. I don't know why people would believe they need to experience that in order to know that it is damaging/destructive. It's like saying, I know the stove is hot and I will get burnt if I touch it, but I have to touch it anyway, just to make sure. Makes no sense. This should be common knowledge. Affairs are damaging/destructive. Affairs hurt people. They hurt all three of the parties involved, plus the children and families of the APs. This should be common sense. Common knowledge. It sounds like the OP is starting to realize how it may negatively affect her future relationships. I often see that in counseling, where people who have had or been involved in an affair in the past end up with major trust issues that affect their present and future relationships. Edited October 15, 2013 by KathyM 1
carhill Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? Experienced this decades ago and, rather than feeling damaged, I felt enlightened, if not saddened, by such harsh life lessons. Overall, the results of those events helped me avoid future incidences so I viewed them, and continue to view them, as positives rather than damaging, and went on to have LTR's and be married. Any healthy skepticism didn't interfere with intimacy building nor emotional commitment. If any 'damage' occurred, it was to my unhealthily unrealistic views regarding women. Those experiences were the first in a long series of experiences which ended an era of far too much benefit of the doubt when it came to interacting with the fairer gender and engendered more realism, aspects my more successful male peers had learned long prior. Experiencing a similar event to what you describe caused me to say goodbye, at great emotional cost, to one MW. Everyone has their own boundaries and decision points. I wish you well in deciding and enacting yours.
MissBee Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? I think me being in an affair was as a result of certain subconscious beliefs I internalized without realizing, in the first place. My own father is a serial cheater who is emotionally unavailable on many levels, and I had a mother who forgave and continued being with him, so for me, I think my warped views on relationships started before I ever got into an A...but it wasn't until after much introspection and years later that I began to connect the dots and see how in choosing an unavailable man (one of many, he just happened to be unavailable in the real sense that he was in another R) I was repeating some of what I had been taught inadvertently by the main relationship I witnessed. I know my own parent's marriage significantly affects my views on relationships and my actions, even though I don't want them to and it's not as easy as realizing and choosing to just stop. It takes work to bring up what you subconsciously feel/believe and to discard what isn't helpful to you. The A didn't help, as I felt like based on my dad, and also this man I loved and who claimed to love me and his SO, but was cheating, that no man is faithful and to expect such would be naive. I know that not all men cheat and I do have hope, but I will say I can relate to sometimes feeling jaded after being in an A or being around it. I notice on LS and in real life that some people who have been around a lot of infidelity in their formative years end up either developing a worldview where they don't see a problem with it or assume such is life. Infidelity is no longer something negative but something they feel very comfortable with and marriage becomes what is demonized for them as the negative thing. I hardly know people who have witnessed good marriages and haven't been around much infidelity who hold very strong negative views about marriage and more positive/apologetic views on infidelity, it most always comes from people who have experienced in their families some kind of infidelity or many kinds of it. Long story short: Yes I can relate to an A making you feel jaded and cynical. I do think a positive for me is that I am a bit more aware now of the complexities of infidelity and can acknowledge and address them vs. if I had no such experience so was more trusting. However, I am not disillusioned. I do believe that if you're aware and work on your self, your issues, your beliefs, it changes who you attract and are attracted to and you can create a good relationship. It won't be easy and will require lots of patience, but is possible. Edited October 15, 2013 by MissBee 1
hollyhillcourt Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Ever since being involved with a MM (and then ending it), I feel damaged. I feel that when I finally meet a man whom I'm going to want to marry, I'm never going to be peaceful. I feel as though there will always be these thoughts in back of my mind: Does he truly love me? Is the sex we have keeping him satisfied? Are we having enough sex? Does he want to have sex with other women? Am I making him happy? Is he REALLY at work now or is he spending time with another woman? ... I feel as though I will never be able to trust after witnessing this MM tell his BS he's on his way to work while he was in a hotel room with me. I feel that my future husband (assuming there will be one) will have to pay the price, and that makes me sad. Can anyone relate? I do not feel damaged. And I didn't at dday. What I felt at dday was shock, pain, remorse, sadness, and a whole host of other things. Getting over an A is not easy. It calls in to question fundemental principals of who you are and who you thought you were. Will you ever have a deep connection again? YES Will you ever trust again? YES Will you ever love again? YES Will you ever be hurt again? YES Your A is fresh and raw. You will see over time that there are some lessons to be learned and apply those going forward. Don't become the cliche and punish your next partner. That's giving the exMM too much power. And now for my cliche, you deserve much more.
cocorico Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 What a wonderful quote, "Can any of us ever be enough for our partners or are we all destined to be cheated on or cheat ourselves". Perfect. SJ, I understand that right now this is a big worry for you, but honestly, is that the way you'd choose to go through life? People lie, people cheat, people kill, rape, beat others, and exploit others economically. All of that has always existed, and probably always will. Every day you wake up, you choose whether to live in fear that today you will become a victim, or not. My H started a r with me while he was still M to his xW. He did not tell her immediately. He told her only when he was ready to leave. That was not the best way for him to have gone about things, and he's all too aware of that. So, I'm M to a guy who took a considerable time to muster the courage to tell his xW he loved another, and was leaving. Might he do that to me, too? Sure - the possibility exists, as it did with others before him, whether or not they had done similar in their previous Rs. Yes, it's more "real" as a possibility to us because we have lived through it happening. Does that prevent me from trusting him, and enjoying our M? No. We made a choice to go into this and give it our best shot. The costs for both of us to get this far were high, and we would not have done so had we not really wanted this. Neither of us is prepared to undermine our chances by awfulising and worrying and bringing our fears into being. Rather, we've chosen to learn the lessons and put that knowledge to good use to maximise our chances. And if things don't work out in the end - well, we'd have given it our best shot, had some wonderful years, and made some great memories. You have learned some valuable lessons about Rs and their dynamics from this A. You can choose to be inspired by that or terrified by it. It's your life, and your choice how you want to play it. Your next r could be the best of them all, if you're willing to take the lessons and use them well.
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