Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I said OK, got frustrated and walked out of the room to get ready for work. Don't say "OK" if you are not OK with it. Try this instead: "I am not OK with it." Or "It is unacceptable to me that you refuse to find time or be 'in the mood' to discuss this serious relationship issue that affects both of us." 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) i was like.. damn now we cant have sex for like a week, i didnt get any response.. so i asked why she ignored my comment and she was like.. oh sorry i was watching tv...it went back to quiet. Then after 5 minutes she proposed to me, without anything special.. just in bed. Im really happy about it but i didnt see it coming at all and i just think the situation in which it happened is kind of weird. All replies are welcome I am 52, I have a wife, I have sisters, I have nieces, I've known a lot of women and I can tell you that most of them start thinking about their wedding when they are about 12 years old. It's a big deal for most, and they fantasize about everything from the proposal, to the tiniest details of the wedding. So the way your wife proposed seems very, very strange to me. Maybe she doesn't fall into the "most women" or "typical women" categories, at least on the proposal and wedding. Do you think it's possible that she threw out the marriage proposal just to keep you invested in the relationship given the decrease in sex? The way you phrased your unhappiness with the situation that you wouldn't be able to have sex for a week, and maybe she was thinking to herself, "I'm not going to want to have sex even after the week is up," and so she proposed to keep you in the relationship, perceiving, either correctly or not, that the sexual aspect is very, very important to you? Why do you think she proposed as she did? Edited October 13, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick 1
ConstantVoyager Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Could there be something physical going on with her? I don't just mean in terms of her reproductive health, but could she have mono or another illness that might drain her physically? I have accidentally put my underwear on backwards, inside out and even twisted before. (Dressing in the dark not to wake my partner up.) I don't usually notice until the next time I go to the bathroom. Like an above poster, I have also gotten toothpaste, butter and things like pancake batter on my underwear. (I sometimes cook breakfast in just my undies and a t-shirt.) A random stain on underwear means nothing.
road Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Confronting without evidence is weak. You were told how to gather evidence. Crying on you key board will not get anything accomplished. 1
Chi townD Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I agree with road. You had THREE pair of panties with unusual stains on them. I told you to get a checkmate kit and you came back and stated that you didn't want to go "that extreme". There are other things you could do. Sounds like you two live together. If this is the case, you could have picked up two Voice Activated Recorders (VARs) and hid one in the room where she does most of her talking on the phone. You then go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro and secure another VAR under the drivers seat of her car. Most cheater communicate while they're driving...you COULD find out what's going on if that isn't too extreme for you. Simple fact is, you have EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in your own relationship. And you have the right to know if you're getting played for a fool and a cuckold. So, time to dig your head out of the sand.
TheOW Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Could she be pregnant ? Increase in vaginal discharge Hormonal/moody Lack of interest in sex She may or may not know but this was what I was like first few weeks of pregnancy.
Author Jake89 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Okay, so i didn't follow through with spying on her. But here's an update that kind of changed the situation for me. We got into a huge fight over the phone when I was at work, mainly because she's tired of me doubting her. I have never seen her this pissed off. When i got home she wrote a letter of four pages. Explaining to me why sex is not on her mind right now. In short, it really comes down to her work. She thinks i don't understand how tough her new job is(Shes in a k9 unit) She says it is because of severe sleep deprivation, nightshifts, walking atleast 6 miles a day and doing a job that is kind of a 'man job'. She acknowledges the fact that her overall sex drive decreased since she started her new job, but that it is getting better but that it might not ever get back to what it was. She also said she was/is very happy with what we've got, and that she feels sorry that i don't and that she hopes i can feel happy again.. but that she can't force her sex drive. She says she gets irritated because she thinks that i'm not taking her seriously or that i don't care when she has already gave an answer the first time. She wants me to believe in what she says without doubting her intentions or any other hidden agenda and that if anything changes i'll be the first to know. I am not experienced, but i don't think this is something a cheater would do. I can really understand where shes coming from and yet, i am still paranoid. I think i need to break it off if i cant even trust her after something like this.
Author Jake89 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Thanks for the replies, especially Mickey_Fitzpatrick, i didn't really took up on your advice, or answered your questions in detail since i'm not sure about all of this either, but I appreciate it a lot. She can indeed be very hard to deal with and is far from a 'typical' woman. I love her to death but i'm giving up since I lost my trust.
Owl Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Others have already suggested a 'test kit'. Have you followed up on that?
Criticality Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 She acknowledges the fact that her overall sex drive decreased since she started her new job, but that it is getting better but that it might not ever get back to what it was. She also said she was/is very happy with what we've got, and that she feels sorry that i don't and that she hopes i can feel happy again.. but that she can't force her sex drive. She says she gets irritated because she thinks that i'm not taking her seriously or that i don't care when she has already gave an answer the first time. Do you know Occam's razor? It's basically an evidentiary rule, that says that the most simplest explanation, unless there are serious reasons to suspect otherwise, is usually the truth. Lets try to apply it here: You have some stains on her underwear, that aren't where you'd expect semen stains. It could be any number of things like toothpaste. A wife who after a new job and challenging shiftwork lost some of her libido. And a wife who repeatedly is put on the defensive about the lack of sex. Something that probably makes her even less in the mood for sex. According to Occam's razor you don't have a cheater. You have a wife who (hopefully temporarily) lost her interest in sex, a story that's as old as marriage itself. As for why? She just wrote you four pages why. By pushing the sex issue, you've just been making it worse. (You just want answers, but she feels like you're pressuring into sex, and maybe feels guilty about letting you down and the lack of sex.) Keep pushing and you might lose her. Maybe to an affair or maybe not. Sure you could start hacking her email and place tape recorders in her car. Keep investigating for months without getting conclusive answers. (After all: Even if the snooping doesn't turn up anything, it doesn't prove she doesn't cheat, right? It only proves she didnt cheat where you placed recorders, etc.) And of course if she'll find out, and keep in mind that she's a cop, she'll dump your ass before you can say "But but... I was only snooping cause I love you!" Which you in that case kinda would have brought on yourself right? Your call.
Chi townD Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Okay, so i didn't follow through with spying on her. But here's an update that kind of changed the situation for me. We got into a huge fight over the phone when I was at work, mainly because she's tired of me doubting her. I have never seen her this pissed off. When i got home she wrote a letter of four pages. Explaining to me why sex is not on her mind right now. In short, it really comes down to her work. She thinks i don't understand how tough her new job is(Shes in a k9 unit) She says it is because of severe sleep deprivation, nightshifts, walking atleast 6 miles a day and doing a job that is kind of a 'man job'. She acknowledges the fact that her overall sex drive decreased since she started her new job, but that it is getting better but that it might not ever get back to what it was. She also said she was/is very happy with what we've got, and that she feels sorry that i don't and that she hopes i can feel happy again.. but that she can't force her sex drive. She says she gets irritated because she thinks that i'm not taking her seriously or that i don't care when she has already gave an answer the first time. She wants me to believe in what she says without doubting her intentions or any other hidden agenda and that if anything changes i'll be the first to know. I am not experienced, but i don't think this is something a cheater would do. I can really understand where shes coming from and yet, i am still paranoid. I think i need to break it off if i cant even trust her after something like this. Well, the way I took this post is that you're (not outright) excusing her of cheating. Maybe you didn't say it but she knows that you're implying the possibility of her cheating. Therefore, you're confronting without any evidence. The only thing that you taught her is that you're watching; therefore, you taught her how to hide it better. Rule of thumb, act stupid. Act clueless. When they think you're stupid and not paying attention, that's when they make a mistake. Another rule that would more fitted to you is Trust.....but verify. 1
2sunny Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Others have already suggested a 'test kit'. Have you followed up on that? You can confirm this since there is evidence. Simple solution - you either rule out cheating or confirm it. Either way - she isn't considering YOUR feelings = selfish and self centered woman! That's never a good partner! 1
Chi townD Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 You can confirm this since there is evidence. Simple solution - you either rule out cheating or confirm it. Either way - she isn't considering YOUR feelings = selfish and self centered woman! That's never a good partner! I agree. Guys can run a marathon barefoot; in 5 inches of snow and we could get back home and be crawling to get into the bed and passout for a couple of days, if my girlfriend/wife expressed....interest at the moment...WE WILL FIND THE ENERGY!!!!
road Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Well, the way I took this post is that you're (not outright) excusing her of cheating. Maybe you didn't say it but she knows that you're implying the possibility of her cheating. Therefore, you're confronting without any evidence. The only thing that you taught her is that you're watching; therefore, you taught her how to hide it better. Rule of thumb, act stupid. Act clueless. When they think you're stupid and not paying attention, that's when they make a mistake. Another rule that would more fitted to you is Trust.....but verify. He afraid to find evidence. Also she will not be the first WW to go over the top to deny an affair. Then many cops have affairs. Specially when they work night shifts.
tinktronik Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 On the other hand this ladies actions could simply be that she is tired from work and does not want to **** every 19 minutes. That's what she's told him. If that was the case, and I'd explained it to my partner then discovered that he'd put a tracker in my car, computer I would for sure leave him. He would come across as extremely insecure, crazy and stalkerish. They aren't even married for christ's sake. 2
Owl Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 On the other hand this ladies actions could simply be that she is tired from work and does not want to **** every 19 minutes. That's what she's told him. If that was the case, and I'd explained it to my partner then discovered that he'd put a tracker in my car, computer I would for sure leave him. He would come across as extremely insecure, crazy and stalkerish. They aren't even married for christ's sake. Then the end of the relationship would probably be to everyone's benefit...clearly these two people wouldn't be compatible.
klotzak Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Ask her about the stains. I don't think you should be beating around the bush, she's up to no good here, possibly with someone she's working nights with. Test them, but if you decide not to and believe her every word then who is the doormat?
Criticality Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Then the end of the relationship would probably be to everyone's benefit...clearly these two people wouldn't be compatible. If going through a rough patch because new job/school/finances/whatever means you're not compatible, then there really aren't many couples left who are compatible.
Owl Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 If going through a rough patch because new job/school/finances/whatever means you're not compatible, then there really aren't many couples left who are compatible. My point was simply that if the poster I'd quoted views the OP's actions as over the top in response to what's been going on...and claimed that it would likely cause her to end the relationship...then that relationship probably wasn't one worth saving to begin with. I'm not saying that every relationship shouldn't have rough patches...on the contrary. What I'm saying is that if there was such a disconnect in how that rough patch should be handled that it appears to be a dealbreaker for one or the other party...then they probably wouldn't survive much in the way of rough patches BECAUSE of that incompatibility in how to deal with them.
Pastypop Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 She could be running late for work and in a rush just grabs her panties and puts them on and then realizes she put them on backwards or inside out. Maybe she gets dressed in the dark and realizes she put them on backwards when she goes to bathroom. Just ask her about the stains. She will get embarrassed and do her own laundry in the future.
aliveagain Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 End the speculation and do the test. What's stopping you?
klotzak Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Guys, I do believe this is a spoof. I suggest we ignore it and get back to helping real people with real issues.
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