crederer Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Do you have issues with your father? The answer to this will likely be shed light to answering your question.
Eggplant Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 My boyfriend doesn't make me a priority. ...I tell him we don't talk enough (because we don't)... Forget about this children dynamic. You need to stop being so available. Don't tell him you want more. You just give less. If he wants more, he'll make an effort to find you. If he doesn't, you have your answer. 3
lollipopspot Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I don't necessarily mind sizable age differences, but at your age, and his age, and how he treats you, I tend to think that you are squandering your youth on this guy. I don't even know you and I'm almost positive you can do better. If he were a greeeat guy who made you feel faaantastic about yourself and life, there would be no problem. But that isn't the case. 4
leftfordead2 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 It seemed that way to me too. I asked him why he told his son he wasn't doing anything and he said his son didn't need to know. His son is three years older than me. I don't know if that makes a difference. Wow, what are you doing with such an old man? If you don't mind me asking... 2
StanMusial Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 It could be that he doesn't take you seriously because you are so much younger. On a related sidebar, it is annoying when someone is taking phone calls or playing on their phone during a conversation. I see it in meetings all the time, especially since smart phone use became so widely adopted. It's one thing if your old lady is about to give birth or you have a relative in the ICU or something - but that's usually not the case.
thefooloftheyear Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Oh FFS. Yes, people don't "give a crap about their kids" if they don't immediately jump to attention - and throw everything aside - the SECOND their 30 year old calls them on the phone to discuss last night's baseball game. Damned neglectful parents. Gotta love the freakin drama around here. Not. Are you a parent? TFY
tinktronik Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Are you a parent? TFY LOL. I am x4. I will tell you without even having to think about it that there is no way in heck that in the middle of an important relationship conversation with my spouse that I would answer the pone to chat with my 30 something child about the ball game or eye makeup or what they did that day. I find it laughable that parents of adult children would find that even remotely appropriate. That's not putting your child first that's avoidance of the topic at hand. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Oh FFS. Yes, people don't "give a crap about their kids" if they don't immediately jump to attention - and throw everything aside - the SECOND their 30 year old calls them on the phone to discuss last night's baseball game. Damned neglectful parents. Gotta love the freakin drama around here. Not. ' I doubt you are a parent, or you wouldnt make a stupid comment like you did.. I know there are people on this site that hold their cats in higher regards than children..are you one of those, too? . She is the guys GF...before he met her she was a NOBODY,,a face in the crowd..I dont care who you are or what age the kids are, they will always trump the SO...Deal with it or find someone single. I will agree with the age gap part...Go and find someone your own age, maybe then you will have less problems with compatibility. TFY
thefooloftheyear Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 LOL. I am x4. I will tell you without even having to think about it that there is no way in heck that in the middle of an important relationship conversation with my spouse that I would answer the pone to chat with my 30 something child about the ball game or eye makeup or what they did that day. I find it laughable that parents of adult children would find that even remotely appropriate. That's not putting your child first that's avoidance of the topic at hand. Who cares, I wasnt asking you.... TFY
tinktronik Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Who cares, I wasn't asking you.... TFY Well isn't that constructive.......
RedRobin Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 ' I doubt you are a parent, or you wouldnt make a stupid comment like you did.. I know there are people on this site that hold their cats in higher regards than children..are you one of those, too? . She is the guys GF...before he met her she was a NOBODY,,a face in the crowd..I dont care who you are or what age the kids are, they will always trump the SO...Deal with it or find someone single. I will agree with the age gap part...Go and find someone your own age, maybe then you will have less problems with compatibility. TFY Seriously, TFY.... what kind of future do you want for your kid(s)? They model what they observe. Dropping everything and everyone to manage their every little whim doesn't train them for adulthood. So what if your parents neglected you (if they did... probably did)... They have to learn to fend for themselves sometime. Since you are a manager/owner of a business, I know YOU have had your fill of the entitled brats passing as 'young adults' these days. Where do you think they get it from?? They get it from parents who cater and coddle little suzy and johnny, nurse every boo-boo, and basically, have no balance. I see it everyday. I used to get mad at them over it. I don't anymore. I blame the parents and educational system. anyway, OP, this guy doesn't respect you. His kids likely don't respect you. You should know that not all parents act like he does. Although... I must say... half the reason why these folks are divorced are likely due to some of the very same behaviors you are witnessing. You are young enough, OP, to find someone who hasn't been married before and doesn't have kids. Ditch this guy. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Seriously, TFY.... what kind of future do you want for your kid(s)? They model what they observe. Dropping everything and everyone to manage their every little whim doesn't train them for adulthood. So what if your parents neglected you (if they did... probably did)... They have to learn to fend for themselves sometime. Since you are a manager/owner of a business, I know YOU have had your fill of the entitled brats passing as 'young adults' these days. Where do you think they get it from?? They get it from parents who cater and coddle little suzy and johnny, nurse every boo-boo, and basically, have no balance. I see it everyday. I used to get mad at them over it. I don't anymore. I blame the parents and educational system. anyway, OP, this guy doesn't respect you. His kids likely don't respect you. You should know that not all parents act like he does. Although... I must say... half the reason why these folks are divorced are likely due to some of the very same behaviors you are witnessing. You are young enough, OP, to find someone who hasn't been married before and doesn't have kids. Ditch this guy. Yes...I agree with your comments... My kid will be fine, while I am as loving and attentive as anyone, I also tell her like it is when I have to...You should know me better by now.. In fairness you arent a parent, so you dont really have the "shirt" so to speak. But I wont hold that against you.. What I have learned in my lifetime is that there are varying degrees of parenting...I know a woman who regularly says she wishes she had an abortion and has said on numerous occasions that she hates her kid and would institutionalize her if she could... can you imagine? Then you have the other type that caters to every whim, like you say.. I dont agree with either extreme...But its not really fair for someone on the outside to criticize that. In the little I have read of this thread, the guy is obviously divorced, so he may not see or talk to his kids that often as dictated by the circumstances..So those times that he does may be vital to his well being and existence..Point is no one really knows here...*shrug* Kids are your DNA, they are your everything..It doesnt matter the age..A girlfried or boyfriend is just someone you meet...Even of you fall in love and become serious, that person may lie, cheat, steal, whatever..Kids generally dont do that stuff-especially if there is a close bond... I think in this case, the guy probably isnt that committed to her..Maybe(probably), its the age gap.. And people who enter into relationships with other people that already have kids need to take this into heavy consideration, because if they dont it will likely be a wedge at some point...You read stories about posters on here complaining about why a person with kids wont date a person without..Those are intelligent people..There is much less of a risk of this type of nonsense.. TFY Edited October 13, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
RedRobin Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Yes...I agree with your comments... My kid will be fine, while I am as loving and attentive as anyone, I also tell her like it is when I have to...You should know me better by now.. In fairness you arent a parent, so you dont really have the "shirt" so to speak. But I wont hold that against you.. Perhaps not. However, that statement still sounds like an excuse and a cop-out. As if those without children have no commitments or obligations they have to balance... or they are incapable of understanding what it is like to be completely responsible for the care of another human being. When the kids are little, it is more understandable. When they get older though, unless there is some major emergency, it is expected that they (the kids) come to the understanding that their parent has other needs (companionship, love, affection, partnership) that deserve and require tending... just as much as any relationship. To routinely expect your partner to always take a back seat just means the parent isn't interested in a committed relationship. Best if they are honest with people they date that they really just want a reliable f*ckbuddy... is how it looks to me. What I have learned in my lifetime is that there are varying degrees of parenting...I know a woman who regularly says she wishes she had an abortion and has said on numerous occasions that she hates her kid and would institutionalize her if she could... can you imagine? Then you have the other type that caters to every whim, like you say.. No, I couldn't imagine the first. I see more of the second, and have experienced first hand the outcome in their altered ability to muscle through any life difficulty responsibly. I dont agree with either extreme...But its not really fair for someone on the outside to criticize that. In the little I have read of this thread, the guy is obviously divorced, so he may not see or talk to his kids that often as dictated by the circumstances..So those times that he does may be vital to his well being and existence..Point is no one really knows here...*shrug* Maybe. It's his job to communicate that rather than use his kids as an excuse to avoid arguments though. It's not fair to the kid and its not fair to the person they are dating. Kids are your DNA, they are your everything..It doesnt matter the age..A girlfried or boyfriend is just someone you meet...Even of you fall in love and become serious, that person may lie, cheat, steal, whatever..Kids generally dont do that stuff-especially if there is a close bond... I think in this case, the guy probably isnt that committed to her..Maybe(probably), its the age gap.. Probably not, but I'd say the above isn't the ideal attitude to have if you are looking for a committed relationship. And people who enter into relationships with other people that already have kids need to take this into heavy consideration, because if they dont it will likely be a wedge at some point...You read stories about posters on here complaining about why a person with kids wont date a person without..Those are intelligent people..There is much less of a risk of this type of nonsense.. I do. and for those people who are always using their kids as an excuse for this or that... I have no problems dreaming up unavoidable commitments that need tending to rather than making them a priority. It works both ways. It's a vicious circle and gets boring fast. I'd argue that those parents who don't have the time or interest in a) learning to trust a potential partner b) feel the need to drop everything for their kid at a moments notice... .... just need to politely inform those they meet that they aren't looking for a committed relationship... rather than try to monopolize the time of those they date in these glorified f*ckbuddy arrangements posing as a 'relationship'. That would be more honest. At least the other person would then have the liberty of finding someone who has a better balance (for whatever reason) or is just more interested in them. ... and this last paragraph applies to the OP especially... she's a glorified f*ckbuddy. He likely just does just enough to keep the sex tap flowing so he can get his needs met whenever he has a spare moment.... and of course, keep her available to him and not other men. But make no mistake, it will never be more than that... ... and the age gap just means the women he dates are naïve to this. An older woman would be like, 'right pal' and kick him to the curb. Edited October 13, 2013 by RedRobin
ThisGal Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Well, you're more an ego stroke and a young piece of tail for him than you are an important equal to him. That much is obvious. Why ANY 20-something would waste her time with someone twice her age - and who obviously just sees her as a toy - is beyond me. Did you have an "Uncle Bad Touch" in your past, or some kind of daddy issues? Maybe this middled-aged guy is all cashed up? I honestly can't imagine why anyone your age would bother with this guy. LOL! Exactly. I was wondering the same. OP, there is no reason to be dating a man that much older. That's ridiculous. It's no wonder he has no respect for ya. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You are wasting your time with this man, giving his ego a boost, and basically serving as his 'passing time candidate.' For him , it's flattering that a 20-something (or 30 something) is with someone like him, but that's about as far as it goes, in terms of how much he 'values' you. Ditch this guy STAT and find someone closer to your age, and more importantly, someone who doesn't take you for granted. I've had that done to me (being taken for granted) and I know how terrible it is, especially to the self-esteem, especially in the long run. Do you see a future with this guy? I still don't understand how / why someone your age will stick around a man twice her age, and do so especially when he doesn't give her the time of the day. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Perhaps not. However, that statement still sounds like an excuse and a cop-out. As if those without children have no commitments or obligations they have to balance... or they are incapable of understanding what it is like to be completely responsible for the care of another human being. When the kids are little, it is more understandable. When they get older though, unless there is some major emergency, it is expected that they (the kids) come to the understanding that their parent has other needs (companionship, love, affection, partnership) that deserve and require tending... just as much as any relationship. To routinely expect your partner to always take a back seat just means the parent isn't interested in a committed relationship. Best if they are honest with people they date that they really just want a reliable f*ckbuddy... is how it looks to me. Wrong...Its just a part of people you need to understand..No good parent is going to drop their kids and give higher precedence to a random person that you meet that may or may not have the potential for a lasting relationship..Not happening...Ask any parent. No, I couldn't imagine the first. I see more of the second, and have experienced first hand the outcome in their altered ability to muscle through any life difficulty responsibly. Maybe. It's his job to communicate that rather than use his kids as an excuse to avoid arguments though. It's not fair to the kid and its not fair to the person they are dating. I agree...But quite frankly, if you enter into a relationship with someone with kids- you are quite naive if you think you arent getting them, too -regardless of age. Probably not, but I'd say the above isn't the ideal attitude to have if you are looking for a committed relationship. Yes, but unfortunately its the truth...50% plus M end in divorce..You are always railing about how guys lie and cheat, now you say have faith? huh? I do. and for those people who are always using their kids as an excuse for this or that... I have no problems dreaming up unavoidable commitments that need tending to rather than making them a priority. It works both ways. Their not excuses, they are kids..Your flesh and blood. It's a vicious circle and gets boring fast. I'd argue that those parents who don't have the time or interest in a) learning to trust a potential partner b) feel the need to drop everything for their kid at a moments notice... Why its best that people with kids date other people with kids,,, .... just need to politely inform those they meet that they aren't looking for a committed relationship... rather than try to monopolize the time of those they date in these glorified f*ckbuddy arrangements posing as a 'relationship'. That would be more honest. At least the other person would then have the liberty of finding someone who has a better balance (for whatever reason) or is just more interested in them. ... and this last paragraph applies to the OP especially... she's a glorified f*ckbuddy. He likely just does just enough to keep the sex tap flowing so he can get his needs met whenever he has a spare moment.... and of course, keep her available to him and not other men. But make no mistake, it will never be more than that... ... and the age gap just means the women he dates are naïve to this. An older woman would be like, 'right pal' and kick him to the curb. I know you mean well, but... Every one I know that is childless has your attitude..I did too before my kid came along...Have a kid and then talk to me....I dont know the first thing about PMS or what thats like so ill reserve any judgement on anyone who complains about it...See? This is why it takes a special type of person who never had or wanted to have kids to enter into a relationship with one who does. Neither side is right or wrong, but there is just too much for the other party to conceive of..It winds up always being an issue..It sounds like you have had a bad experience getting second fiddle to a guys kids..My office manager is going through this right now..The guy she is dating has 3 kids and is divorced...She gets annoyed that he shows so much attention to his kids..He's effing divorced and what little time he gets with them is very precious...She is acting like a child herself...I told her to find a childless guy or stop complaining about it. But lets forget about that...its off the track.. I agree with you assessment of the current OP situation..She is low on the totem pole and always will be, at least it seems that way.,,Perhaps neither party is at fault. He could be with another woman who has kids that would happily take the second position because she has her own kids to fawn over...Get with someone that is on the same page.. TFY
MrCastle Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Um. Stop dating people whose age gap trumps the amount of years you've been alive. 4
jcrew11 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 My boyfriend doesn't make me a priority. We live together, he's about 30 years older than I am, and when he's working late, he'll sometimes say it without acknowledging the fact that our plans have changed. Sometimes I won't know until it's 30 minutes to an hour after the time he's supposed to be done with work. When we're in the middle of an argument and one of his grown children calls, he'll answer and say he's "not doing anything" and spend the next 10-20 minutes chatting them up like nothing's wrong. It's not like they don't know about me. When I call him during my lunch break, he is often too busy to talk. I tell him we don't talk enough (because we don't) and that I wish he'd be more enthusiastic and chatty when we're having dinner or hanging out. He keeps insisting he's all "talked out" from having to deal with people at work. When his daughter calls, he's a completely different person. Attentive, interested and responsive. Is it me? Is this a sugar daddy arrangement, where you don't pay rent, and he pays for everything? That could be a reason he takes you for granted. Its kinda weird that he is 30 years older than you, why do you want to stay with someone so old. 3
Author Fetch_Happened Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Just to be clear, it's not about the money. He's not rich and neither am I. He has the lease on his name and pays rent and utility bills. I pay rent, some of the groceries, I sometimes pay when we go out to eat. But I can't afford my own place and I do get lonely. Guys my own age rarely pay attention to me and some that try don't really get me (if that makes sense). Sometimes I don't get them. I think I'm attractive, but I don't think that's enough. I guess I do have issues with my dad. We're not close. When we talk it's all "business" since he's paying for school and I don't think he gets me either, which is frustrating since I thought that part of my life was behind me.
Eivuwan Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Just to be clear, it's not about the money. He's not rich and neither am I. He has the lease on his name and pays rent and utility bills. I pay rent, some of the groceries, I sometimes pay when we go out to eat. But I can't afford my own place and I do get lonely. Guys my own age rarely pay attention to me and some that try don't really get me (if that makes sense). Sometimes I don't get them. I think I'm attractive, but I don't think that's enough. I guess I do have issues with my dad. We're not close. When we talk it's all "business" since he's paying for school and I don't think he gets me either, which is frustrating since I thought that part of my life was behind me. It's not like he is paying attention to you anyway. I don't know. You say that people don't "get you" and I notice that I don't "get you" either. That might have something to do with the way you communicate. You don't give enough information for people to understand what you mean. If you want people to get you, the only thing you can do is improve your communication skills and interact with more people until you find people that "get you." The journey is hard and might involve a lot of rejections.
Joaquin Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Why dont you tell him that you feel he takes you for granted and list the specific issues that cause you to feel that way. See how he behaves in response. At the end of the day if the guy cant meet your relationship needs and make you feel like a priority in his life you may need to move on and find someone who is a better fit for you.
Author Fetch_Happened Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) I think I communicate well. I tell him what I need, I tell him if I have a problem with something and if I'm not in a good mood I let him know. He takes a lot of it as a personal attack and accuses me of always wanting to discuss problems instead of going with the flow. I'd rather deal with a problem as soon as possible whereas he'd rather put it on hold, sleep on it, spend the day at work not talking about it or pretend that nothing's wrong. Anyway, we talked the other night and he said he'd try not to neglect my needs and that I'd have to be more understanding. I guess we'll see what happens next. Edited October 14, 2013 by Fetch_Happened
RedRobin Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I know you mean well, but... Every one I know that is childless has your attitude..I did too before my kid came along...Have a kid and then talk to me....I dont know the first thing about PMS or what thats like so ill reserve any judgement on anyone who complains about it...See? This is why it takes a special type of person who never had or wanted to have kids to enter into a relationship with one who does. Neither side is right or wrong, but there is just too much for the other party to conceive of..It winds up always being an issue..It sounds like you have had a bad experience getting second fiddle to a guys kids..My office manager is going through this right now..The guy she is dating has 3 kids and is divorced...She gets annoyed that he shows so much attention to his kids..He's effing divorced and what little time he gets with them is very precious...She is acting like a child herself...I told her to find a childless guy or stop complaining about it. But lets forget about that...its off the track.. I agree with you assessment of the current OP situation..She is low on the totem pole and always will be, at least it seems that way.,,Perhaps neither party is at fault. He could be with another woman who has kids that would happily take the second position because she has her own kids to fawn over...Get with someone that is on the same page.. TFY I've dated men where it wasn't an issue at all. They were very devoted fathers and their kids are great. I enjoyed them a lot. What I'm describing are situations where the parent uses their kids as a convenient catch all to avoid all kinds of things... intimacy, communication... good time management skills. You name it. No, I haven't been 'burned' by men with kids. I couldn't care less if his reason for being a flake, disingenuous, ineffective, or commitmentphobic comes from his work, his kids, or a driving passion for kettle bell juggling. When I see it, I just figure he's not interested in a committed, intimate relationship... more like he just needs a convenient phuk-hole whenever he gets a spare moment and is just mouthing that stuff to keep me in the corral. The phenomenon you are talking about IS very common among childless people who don't have other interests/hobbies to occupy them when their partner has other obligations. I do. I just know the difference between an excuse and good balance and effective parenting. I'm confident that the OP (or ones in her shoes) will figure it out. As for the recommendation that people with kids should only date others with kids... that's their choice, but again, I think it is a cop out if they simply have poor time management, poor communication skills, or a dysfunctional relationship with their kids/ex-spouse. That's always been my observation in those cases. It has nothing to do with the kids, and it kinda sucks that their bad habits get dumped on the kid instead of the parent(s) taking responsibility. I mean, you've seen it as an employer, right? People who always seem to have some kid emergency to avoid coming into work? It's the same thing with dating/relationships.
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