Fetch_Happened Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 My boyfriend doesn't make me a priority. We live together, he's about 30 years older than I am, and when he's working late, he'll sometimes say it without acknowledging the fact that our plans have changed. Sometimes I won't know until it's 30 minutes to an hour after the time he's supposed to be done with work. When we're in the middle of an argument and one of his grown children calls, he'll answer and say he's "not doing anything" and spend the next 10-20 minutes chatting them up like nothing's wrong. It's not like they don't know about me. When I call him during my lunch break, he is often too busy to talk. I tell him we don't talk enough (because we don't) and that I wish he'd be more enthusiastic and chatty when we're having dinner or hanging out. He keeps insisting he's all "talked out" from having to deal with people at work. When his daughter calls, he's a completely different person. Attentive, interested and responsive. Is it me?
Bubberfly Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 You can't blame him for putting his children FIRST. Some people tend to forget this. Whether they're grown or not, your children are your children. You need to accept that his kids will (and should) always come before you. Unless they're horrible people and trying to jeapordize your relationship because they can, that's a different story. But even then, I betcha he'd pick his kids over you. If this bugs you that much you need to date someone without children. How long have you two been together? The 30 year age gap is quite extensive, are his kids around your age? Now the plan changing last minute, yes CAN be disrepectful. If it happens all the time and he's aware it bothers you then yes. But if its an occasional thing, I'm sorry but life happens and you need to adapt. 1
yankees51988 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Lol, it's his freaking kids and you are upset he talks to them for a little bit? Of course blood is thicker than romance, that isn't even a question- blood is thicker than anything, and a child is the most unconditional blood relation you can have. His kids should definitely be more important than you, they come before anything. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 If a guy is a dedicated father, you will never be higher than his kids in the pecking order. Same for moms and their kids..Dont forget, his kids are his blood, before he met you, you were nothing but a face in the crowd to him... TFY 1
ja123 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 His children are his children. It's good that he makes time for them. But that doesn't mean that he can't make time for you. It does seem he's taking you for granted. So, you need to tell him what you need (that doesn't mean he cuts his children out of his life, of course), then it is up to him to make the effort. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, then you need to evaluate the relationship and consider moving on. Good luck!
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Some of you lot are hilarious. Adult children coming over and above everything else, including your partner. My parents would die laughing if I said they should still be putting me first at 42. All the OP is asking for is a little courtesy. If they're in the middle of an indepth discussion and the daughter calls for a chat - sorry, but she can wait. It's called manners. If it was the other way round (serious conversation with daughter, OP calls for a chat) I'd say the same. 9
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Some of you lot are hilarious. Adult children coming over and above everything else, including your partner. My parents would die laughing if I said they should still be putting me first at 42. All the OP is asking for is a little courtesy. If they're in the middle of an indepth discussion and the daughter calls for a chat - sorry, but she can wait. It's called manners. If it was the other way round (serious conversation with daughter, OP calls for a chat) I'd say the same. I was thinking exactly the same thing Mascara. These are grown ass adults not toddlers. Well said. 5
thefooloftheyear Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I was thinking exactly the same thing Mascara. These are grown ass adults not toddlers. Well said. I never realized there was an age limit as to when you stop giving a crap about your kids? TFY 5
Author Fetch_Happened Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) In my defense, his children were not bleeding to death or crying hysterically. We were in the middle of (what I considered) an "important" argument (i.e. something that needs to be taken care of right away to keep resentment from building up inside for the rest of the night). He told his son he wasn't doing anything and proceeded to talk for 10-20 minutes. Our argument was put on hold and once his phone call was over, he didn't even acknowledge the fact that we got interrupted. Edited October 12, 2013 by Fetch_Happened
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I never realized there was an age limit as to when you stop giving a crap about your kids? TFY Nobody's expecting your parents to stop giving a crap about you! But me and my siblings are in our 40s. My parents should TOTALLY spend these years putting themselves and each other first. And they certainly wouldn't allow us to interrupt a conversation, on the basis that the kids come first. 2
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 ). He told his son he wasn't doing anything and proceeded to talk for 10-20 minutes. Our argument was put on hold and once his phone call was over, he didn't even acknowledge the fact that we got interrupted. To be honest, this all sounds a bit passive aggressive on his part. 3
Author Fetch_Happened Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 To be honest, this all sounds a bit passive aggressive on his part. It seemed that way to me too. I asked him why he told his son he wasn't doing anything and he said his son didn't need to know. His son is three years older than me. I don't know if that makes a difference.
Eivuwan Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 It just doesn't seem that he respects you. I mean, perhaps in his eyes you're just one of his kids (creepy). 2
thefooloftheyear Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Nobody's expecting your parents to stop giving a crap about you! But me and my siblings are in our 40s. My parents should TOTALLY spend these years putting themselves and each other first. And they certainly wouldn't allow us to interrupt a conversation, on the basis that the kids come first. I dunno..Maybe its a cultural thing..My mom:love: still treats me like a kid sometimes-even though I am in my 40's too.. Its not such a bad thing, though...Shes a hell of a cook!! TFY 2
Maleficent Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 My boyfriend doesn't make me a priority. We live together, he's about 30 years older than I am, and when he's working late, he'll sometimes say it without acknowledging the fact that our plans have changed. Sometimes I won't know until it's 30 minutes to an hour after the time he's supposed to be done with work. When we're in the middle of an argument and one of his grown children calls, he'll answer and say he's "not doing anything" and spend the next 10-20 minutes chatting them up like nothing's wrong. It's not like they don't know about me. When I call him during my lunch break, he is often too busy to talk. I tell him we don't talk enough (because we don't) and that I wish he'd be more enthusiastic and chatty when we're having dinner or hanging out. He keeps insisting he's all "talked out" from having to deal with people at work. When his daughter calls, he's a completely different person. Attentive, interested and responsive. Is it me? If you aren't happy with the way he's treating you, told him about it and it didn't change, why don't you just take a hike and find someone who already treats you the way you think you should be treated. Assuming (kind of hoping) you are at least 18 years old, it means this man is no younger than 48 years old. He won't change at this point. 1
Author Fetch_Happened Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I dunno..Maybe its a cultural thing..My mom:love: still treats me like a kid sometimes-even though I am in my 40's too.. Its not such a bad thing, though...Shes a hell of a cook!! TFY Does she treat you better than her significant other? If you aren't happy with the way he's treating you, told him about it and it didn't change, why don't you just take a hike and find someone who already treats you the way you think you should be treated. Assuming (kind of hoping) you are at least 18 years old, it means this man is no younger than 48 years old. He won't change at this point. I'm in my early 20s and I don't expect him to change who he is, just how he treats people (e.g. me) in his life.
Yookie Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 My boyfriend doesn't make me a priority. We live together, he's about 30 years older than I am, and when he's working late, he'll sometimes say it without acknowledging the fact that our plans have changed. Sometimes I won't know until it's 30 minutes to an hour after the time he's supposed to be done with work. When we're in the middle of an argument and one of his grown children calls, he'll answer and say he's "not doing anything" and spend the next 10-20 minutes chatting them up like nothing's wrong. It's not like they don't know about me. When I call him during my lunch break, he is often too busy to talk. I tell him we don't talk enough (because we don't) and that I wish he'd be more enthusiastic and chatty when we're having dinner or hanging out. He keeps insisting he's all "talked out" from having to deal with people at work. When his daughter calls, he's a completely different person. Attentive, interested and responsive. Is it me? Yes it is you. You have to figure out why YOU continue to put up with a situation where you are not valued. He doesn't bother to update you on plans. You are not a priority in his life. He is not interested in chatting with you or hanging out. Why do you think he keeps you around? 3
Maleficent Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Does she treat you better than her significant other? I'm in my early 20s and I don't expect him to change who he is, just how he treats people (e.g. me) in his life. In his early 50s, chances are, he won't change how he treats people in his life. He obviously isn't willing to give you the attention you feel you deserve.
ja123 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 He told his son he wasn't doing anything and proceeded to talk for 10-20 minutes. Our argument was put on hold and once his phone call was over, he didn't even acknowledge the fact that we got interrupted. This says it all. He wasn't "being a good dad", he was using his son to avoid you. He sounds like a very selfish and immature man. I agree with Mascara: this is passive-aggressive behaviour. Research it on the internet. Sweetie, you could be doing so much better. If you stay, then you have to look at the unpleasant truths within yourself as to why you are not loving yourself more. 3
Eleanore Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I don't expect him to change who he is, just how he treats people (e.g. me) in his life. Aha! Thing is, "how he treats people" is part of his character. And character is one of the most deeply-ingrained, least-likely-to-change aspects of a person. You could say that in some ways, it is synonymous with "who he is." People of character are trustworthy, fair, caring, and respectful. If he is not those things already, he's extremely unlikely to change. Find a person of strong character (and be one yourself) and 90% of most relationship turmoil disappears. Good luck, and please let us know how it turns out. 5
Mascara Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 This says it all. He wasn't "being a good dad", he was using his son to avoid you. This. Damn girl, you should be out partying and fighting off hot young men. Not dealing with this stuck-in-his-ways grandad. 4
ForeverHopeful1 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Yes it is you. You have to figure out why YOU continue to put up with a situation where you are not valued. He doesn't bother to update you on plans. You are not a priority in his life. He is not interested in chatting with you or hanging out. Why do you think he keeps you around? I know! I know!!!!
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 This. Damn girl, you should be out partying and fighting off hot young men. Not dealing with this stuck-in-his-ways grandad. No doubt. (ten characters)
ChessPieceFace Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 You are being unreasonable in the sense that you expect that your topic line shouldn't be true. Of course children should come first. That said, it also sounds like he takes you for granted. 30 years older?? Sounds like he might just have you there for sex and companionship. 3
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