mistygirl Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 Hello, I saw some other similar threads on this subject but I feel like I should post my personal problem. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years now. We have had our rocky times but for the most part we get along great. I could spend the rest of my life with him, happily. But just recently something came up. I was on his computer looking for a document file, when I opened his recent documents folder, I saw some porn movies. I looked to see what directory they were in and I found a directory full of porn movies. Maybe 40 of them. I didn't play any of the files but I noticed that some had been looked at as soon as a week ago. I know I should not have looked for the directory after I saw the porn in his recent documents, but I did see them in there so the damage is done. He doesn't know I was on his computer and he doesn't know I saw the porn. I want to confront him about it and ask him why the movies are there. I am not jealous of the porn because I know that it's a sex thing and not a love thing. I don't feel like he's "cheating" on me. But there is one thing I do have a problem with: He tells me constantly that he doesn't have much of a sex drive and that's why we don't have sex that often. I used to accept that and the fact that he is always really busy at his work and that's why he doesn't have much interest in sex. But how can he have all that porn on his computer and tell me he doesn't have much interest!! I know if I confront him and ask him about it, he will get angry because I was on his computer. I wish I had never looked in the first place, but it's killing me to not ask him about it. I just want him to know that I'm okay with him having porn. I can't be a hypocrate because I have looked at porn too. But it's killing me to not talk to him about it. I will think I'm okay and then horrible thoughts will cross my mind. I can hardly sleep at night because these thoughts go through my mind over and over. I'm afraid he will treat this like I'm invading his privacy on his computer and he will want to break up because of that. I don't want this to be something that ends our relationship because he can't trust me or something stupid like that. I don't even know if he masturbates, or how often. We've never talked about it before now even though we are open in discussing anything else sex related. Should I confront him about the porn? What is the best way to go about talking to him about it? Thank you in advance for the advice.
krbshappy71 Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years now. If you have been together for 6 yrs, do you really think this: I'm afraid he will treat this like I'm invading his privacy on his computer and he will want to break up because of that. could happen? If so, doesn't sound like a very stable relationship. You should be able to talk about anything by now, especially if it is important to you. I'm not understanding, however, WHAT you want to gain out of talking about it. You found movies, so what? You said you don't have a problem with porn, so let it go. Find a hobby instead of snooping around his computer. "Don't look for something you don't want to find" is my feeling. You don't know if he masturbates, and its really not your business, is it? If you want to find out more about him, sexually, I suggest you bring up the topic WITHOUT bringing up your recent findings. Otherwise, the subject will quickly turn to "why are these items on your computer" instead of what you really want to know, which is more about him.(if indeed this is your intent of the conversation) will think I'm okay and then horrible thoughts will cross my mind. What horrible thoughts? I'm confused. If you are okay about porn I'm not sure what horrible thoughts you are having about all this. Should I confront him about the porn? Confront?? What the heck is there to confront about? He's an adult male and quite capable of looking at whatever he wants to look at, right? What is there to confront about? You say you want to talk about it, but then you use the word "confront" which has a different annotation to it. I would sit down and write out all your feelings about this and get to the root of it before you say a word, it seems to me you are not quite as "okay" with porn as you say you are in your post...if you were I can't imagine what it is you are struggling with. You were on your computer, you found it, big deal....you admitted yourself you check out porn too....where is the dilemma here?
dyermaker Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 He tells me constantly that he doesn't have much of a sex drive and that's why we don't have sex that often. I used to accept that and the fact that he is always really busy at his work and that's why he doesn't have much interest in sex. But how can he have all that porn on his computer and tell me he doesn't have much interest!! Because sex and looking at pornography are different.
clandestinidad Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 What if you got some porn (either on tv or on computer), brought him into the room, and asked him if he was interested in doing anything?? (then either you sit him down and take control, or tell him to tell you what he wants to do) Also, after 6 years perhaps its gotten mundane to him. Was the SAME stuff always happening? B/c he might have gotten tired of always having to do the same thing, which becomes a turn-off b/c its not stimulating or exciting to already know whats gonna happen before it starts. Did you try diff. rooms or positions?? Did you try diff. lingerie, or dressing up in costume (not necessarily like a halloween costume but maybe like a buiseness woman or teacher or librarian or secretary), or role playing?? Or how about being naked and suggestive when he comes home (or if you dont live together, comes to your house)..... I'd say watch the stuff on his computer and see if its usually all the same kind of thing....which would indicate what he wants/likes. Then you could do it automatically next time youre with him, without telling him you saw the porn, and see what he does. If he asks you whether or not you saw it, obviously tell him the truth....that you accidently came across it and it turned you on, and you wanted to do it with him. There are many ways to be creative about this, and getting more info., than confronting/embarrassing him and probably having an argument about it. Oh, just thought of another one....what if next time he's on his computer you come into the room, turn him a little so that you have access to his pants, un-do them...and start licking.......am I allowed to say this stuff on here???? I'll stop, but you get my point I'm sure. Anyway....write back and let me know if it was always the same thing happening or if it was varied
indigo_moon Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Because sex and looking at pornography are different. no sh*t sherlock, I think that's already been established, she already knows this. The point is, guys don't download 40 pornos for posterity's sake - they do it because they view them and get off to them. So, doing the math, if he's apparently got no sex drive when it comes to her, yet he's obviously got enough of a sex drive when it comes to spanking the monkey to all the pornos, there's a problem. And when porn (or anything) negatively impacts a relationship, it's not a good thing. And if a person is substituting porn for real live human to human sex with their partner, it's also a problem, perhaps even an addiction. At least, it's cause for concern and open dialogue. Hope I cleared that up for you.
Scott70 Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 It seems odd to me that he looks at porn and has no interest in you. Relationships can go stale in fewer then 6 years. If the idea of porn doesn't offend you, then I suggest you look at the kind of porn he has on his comp, and then ask some questions to yourself. If the things you see are illegal, then you have bigger problems. There are alot of freaky people out there, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are alot of freaky things I'd love to try out with my Significant Other, but I don't because of how she would react. If the stuff you find on his comp is ok with you, then suprise him and give it a try. I wouldn't tell him you have been on his computer, if he doesn't have the smarts to hide what he is looking at then that could mean 2 things. 1.) he doesn't know how to hide what he looks at, 2.) He wants you to see what interests him, but he's too chicken to talk to you about it
dyermaker Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Originally posted by indigo_moon Hope I cleared that up for you. Re-read what I posted before.
johan Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I think it's too much to expect that some women will not be bothered by porn if they could just understand what it's about for a guy. I think that, because when you tell them what it's about and that it's meaningless and that they should be more understanding, that never seems to make a difference. It's trying to offer an intellectual solution to an emotional problem. Sometimes that works, but not when it comes to sex and perceived mental/emotional infidelity. I think you shouldn't "confront" him and make him defensive about it, which is how people usually react when confronted. I also don't think you should feel guilty about finding it. He didn't work that hard to hide it, and you weren't digging around trying to spy on him. It was an accidental discovery. Tell him you've noticed what appear to be callouses in odd places. Tease him about enjoying his hand and a bunch of stupid pictures more than warm loving flesh and blood you. Also take care of yourself (workout, eat right, sleep right) and dress up a little more than usual, maybe wear some clothes he hasn't seen. Be attractive.
zero_pistons Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 theres nothing wrong with porn...every normal guy has a collection even your grandparents...trust me.........
NatoPMT Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Misty, you arent getting much relevant advice here because everyone is posting about porn and the issue is not about porn. Its about your bf pretending not have a sex drive but really having one. I assume that if a person genuinely doesn’t have a sex drive, they have no desire to have orgasms. Don’t talk to him about the porn at all, its irrelevant, all it did was flag up to you that a week ago he had a sex drive. It depends how much of a drive he has that is the real issue. For example, he may want something easy and mechanical sometimes, and then some you time at others. There must be a ‘critical’ level that him preferring solo means you time happens less frequently. If he is looking at the porn more frequently than looking at you, it’s a problem, not necessarily an addiction, but if the solo is more attractive or easier then you need to communicate. It’s a separate issue, for eg, if he was going solo without the porn more often than sex with you, you still have exactly the same problem you have now but no-one would say that’s an addiction would they? At a guess, I would say this is the same problem that would potentially cause some men to have an affair, the general wear and tear of a relationship, erosion of sex drive for that person. Its good its masturbating and not a fling, he’s not looking to find someone else and connect with them. There’s a good link from jmargel on how to keep your relationship alive. read his link below but read ‘losing sex drive’ for ‘cheating’, both entirely different reactions with potentially a similar cause with common ground in the reasons. You can pick up on the causes and do something about it. The link is at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t46941/
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