My heart is stabbed and broken

[geegee81]

SO I’m here again. I really need to vent. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing about my problems and I just need some support.

 

 

So to make a long story short…I met him about 4 or 5 years ago and we dated for a few months. He was about 28 years old back then, a virgin, never was in a real relationship. But he was a nice person. We went out once a week for a few months, but we broke things off. He was immature towards relationships and didn’t know how to act. So I left him alone.

 

 

This year I saw him at a party, and it was a instant connection. He was more mature now, and had been in 1 relationship that lasted 2 years. We had so much chemistry and were very affectionate towards each other. We started going on dates, having sex, talking on the phone, etc. He knew I wanted a boyfriend because I told him my intents..I am a vocal person, so there were no secrets. I was not looking for friends with benefits situation.

But for him, he has always had a difficult expressing himself and his feelings. He would rarely tell me how he felt about me. He couldn’t articulate his feelings and explain. He just was extremely affectionate and I was tricked by that.

 

 

It’s been about 4 months now. I love him. I thought we were friends. I thought we were working towards a serious relationship and being together.

 

About a month ago, he became a bit distant and we began to argue…I didn’t understand why he was arguing with me. He told me that I should pay for dates. I didn’t understand why he said this all of a sudden because he had no problems before. He didn’t explain… Then he asks me to change my personality. How can I change my personality? I told him my personality is fixed, how can I change it? He told me to be humble. He would get mad when I spoke up for myself. He would be mad when we disagree. We could not have a healthy debate because he would 100% shut down and say fine or whatever. I never felt validated. He would never respond. I was not allowed to talk about past issues or problems within the relationship. He would get pissed. He’s made me cry a few times. My self-esteem was becoming harmed.

 

 

 

I could not joke around with him without him being offended. For example, I called him silly cause he was walking for 2 hours without a coat on and then felt sick. I said you’re so silly. He got pissed. I didn’t mean any harm….I didn’t know that would offend him. I am a person that always smiles, laughs, and is always happy. I love to joke and I’m light hearted. He didn’t understand this.

 

 

 

He was introverted. He had a hard time saying positive things. I never heard him saying anything positive about me. He picked out every flaw he sound in me. My self esteem is a bit low now. The man that I care about didn’t see any good in me. It hurts. I’m 32, a professional, college grade, cute as a button, the kindest loyalist person you will ever meet. But he didn’t see any good in me. My standards and esteem started off really high, but I feel them dropping. I feel like dirt.

 

 

 

Yet I tried my hardest to be a good friend lover to him. I called and texted every day. He lived 1 hour a way, I drove to his house every week with no problems. When he had problems I listened. I showed him love and affection. What else was I suppose to do? I showed him positivity, but all he did was bring me down. I had all positive intents. I never want to offend him. I tried to avoid topics that made him mad. I walked on pins and needles to keep him happy. But yet he saw the worst in me.

 

 

So Wednesday him and I went out, and everything was fine that day. The next day I called him and we were just small talking. All of the sudden, it turned serious. I asked him if he had any plans on us having a future together. Suddenly, and unexpectedly he said NO. I didn’t understand why he didn’t tell me that sooner. He said he didn’t think about it until today!!!!!

 

 

 

He had sex with me last night, but he knew his feelings had changed?????? He should have initiated that conversation ASAP, if he had a change of heart. But instead he strung me along, having sex with me, and using me for companionship. Last week he told me he loved me. He told me he was happy a week before. Nothing major happened this week so why the change of heart. I’m hurt. I thought he was my friend. I thought he cared about me. He thought he would stick around. I was celibate was 2 years, and I gave myself to him. I am now left with a feeling of emptiness. He was supposed to be my friend!!!!! I don’t let many men get close to me, but I trusted him.

 

 

 

Then all of a sudden he tells me some random facts like…He have different personalities, we like different things, I wasnt willing to change my personality...etc. It was all hogwash! We share many hobbies in common. We live similar life styles. We have similar goals. He’s known me for years, but now he just discovers all our so-called similarities and differences.

 

 

I dont normally fall for guys this easy. But he some how broke my walls down and has turned my world upside down. Broken hearts are real and the pain is excruciating. I went to work today with a big fake smile on my face, but on the inside i feel like dying. I dont know why i feel this way. Why didn't he see good in me? There are people in this world that lie, cheat, steal.... I'm the most loyalest person ever. But he saw no good in me.

 

 

 

Why did i deal with this situation? I let somebody walk all over me. Then i let him break me, and then he left.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel stupid. I feel used up. I feel low as ever. I feel like I’ve been stabbed.

I NEED A FRIEND.

I NEED ADVICE.

PLEASE TALK TO ME.

[Ansem]

He doesn't deserve someone like you. It sucks but he treated you like **** and you're better off without him; the sooner you realize it, the better.

[odin673]

Sounds like he has serious communication issues. His complaint about you paying for dates is legitimate but it sounds like he brought it up in a confrontational manner. Furthermore, it sounds like he sat on it for months before saying anything(probably why it sounded confrontational).

 

No guy wants to feel like a "wallet". If you have the means, you should contribute to dating expenses. It's not the 1950's anymore where women didn't work.

 

With that said, sorry to hear about what happen. The whole "change your personality" thing sounds utterly ridiculous.

[geegee81]

Thanks for the response.

If he wanted me to help pay for the dates, he should have told me that he was having financial trouble. Then i would have understood. They way that he told me came off cold and i didnt understand where he was coming from. It turned into a argument. After we moved on from that, i began paying for every other date. So that was no longer a problem.

 

He told me that he loved me last week. It hurts to know he didnt. How could he change his mind in a week?

[geegee81]

In my head, im just trying to figure out what i could have done differently..... I communicate well. I always told him how i feel and where i was coming from.

 

I wish him and i didnt have this conversation with him, then we would still be talking. Maybe i should have just left it alone. But i didnt want to keep having sex with him without knowing how he felt about me. I want something real.... He told me that he loved me once before, but he never expressed that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. We had no title.

[Stealth3]

This guy was wrong for you....sometimes girls make the wrong choice or most of the time...and end up with a total douche. How many guys have you rejected before him? Probably a ****load.

 

This should be easy because this guy clearly wasnt meant for you, you deserved someone better. It would have been a lot harder if everything was perfect and out of the blue you two broke up...

[geegee81]

I agree with you. I am currently bad at choosing men. I did reject several guys that loved me and treated me well. I have had healthy long term relationships in the past that lasted years, and i know what love feels like. I was with my ex for 7 years and he's a great friend of mines now....So i never had a lot of hurt or baggage. But when i turned 30, something changed in me.

 

I tolerate more bad behavior than i use to. My standards are becoming lower. Im starting to let men walk over me. I dont know why i am allowing this. I never was this type of person before.

 

I have a lot of love to give, and i just want to be in a healthy relationship.

I need help.... why do you think i am choosing men that are emotionally not there for me. The last 2 guys were similar to this.

[Ansem]

I don't mean to sound disrespectful in any way, but it may have something to do with your age. Perhaps you're pushing yourself to find a martial partner and could be foregoing some important qualities/characteristics you looked for in a man in order to move along faster with the process. The only thing I can really tell you, as I have already done, is to move on. Trust me, in a couple of months this guy will be asking for you to come back and by that time I hope you have learned to forget about him because in all honesty he sounds very toxic to be around.

[geegee81]

Hi, no offense taken. I do want to meet Mr. Right and settle down, get married, etc. Im in my 30's now so i feel the clock ticking.

 

I will let this man go. I have deleted his number, facebook is blocked. Pictures have been deleted. There will be no contact with him. I'm hurt but i have faced the reality today that he is a person that i should not be with. Last night when i wrote my message it was my breaking point. I cried, screamed, cried, and prayed. This morning i feel better.

 

It was probably lust and not love i had for him. He was not emotionally there for me, and didn't listen to me. I would talk and he would not respond. We had dry conversations with no substance. His personality was bland,but i thought he was shy and mysterious. I thought that he would become more open to my as time progressed , but he didn't.

 

I thought that if i showed him that i cared that he would eventually open up to me. It didnt work.

 

I have to learn how to follow warning signs and to let go. That has been my biggest problem. I have a hard time letting go cause im always trying to fix things.

[Stealth3]

Why you ask? Perhaps because you were too spoiled before...you were in relationships were you were treated well and they were healthy. It ended up being boring....so you needed to see grass on the other side.

 

My gf dumped me too, I treated her too well perhaps....she ended up going for what looks like a total douche who I know will treat her like garbage. But hey, people make choices, no.

 

There is the love elevator, where you can only go up and never down. At each level you get to pick someone...

Some women go a few levels and end up settling down with someone. Others always search for "perfection" or the "right one" and end up going all the way to the top not finding the right one, never having settled with anyone from the previous levels because they were never good enough. The moral of the story is...you need to know what you want and go get it. You need to know who you are. If you keep on picking and choosing, you will end up lonely and old or end up with the totally wrong guy.

 

A lot of times relationships are healthy and love is flowing, yet for some reason or another someone will break up because its "easier" to just find someone else instead. To just say f it, there will be someone else no matter what. Then there is this society which encourages that behavior where we tell 40-50 year old people...dont worry, you still have time.

[Salvatore85]

Well you could start off by not sleeping with him anymore. If the guy doesn't appreciate you yet you keep having sex with him what do you think he's going to think of you?

 

Seriously, you sound like an awesome chick with a lot to provide but you're the one who has to put forth the effort to find someone who's not an douche. Stop banging the guy, get your self esteem back and find someone who gets butterflies for you the same way you get em' for them.

 

And dammit the next time you meet a great guy and your relationship is good don't leave for a dickhead lol

[geegee81]

He told me the bad news after I slept with him. I didn’t sleep with him again after he told me there was no future….. I slept with him Wednesday. He told me the news on Thursday night.

 

 

I actually told him that I would never talk to him again, we cannot be friends, and that he hurt me badly. I deleted his number, blocked him on facebook, and I don’t ever plan on talking to him again. Im just very hurt. Why didn’t he just tell me the truth? He could not express himself. He only talked about negative things, road rage, people he hated at work, etc. He never talked about anything beneficial or positive. I don’t understand why I tried to find good in him.

 

 

But physically he was very affectionate and gave lot of hugs and kisses. That’s how I fell for him. I thought that he cared because he was physically affectionate. Ive lacked affection during my life and childhood.

[Fufu]

If you fell for him because of physical affection then I can tell you this kind of affection will not last long.

 

Commitment in relationship requires emotional affection.

[blotter]

Emotionally unavailable. I'd bet my house he had a bad childhood. Nothing you can do about it, move on, cause it ain't gonna change anytime soon.

Edited October 13, 2013 by blotter

[geegee81]

He doesn't tell me much about his childhood. He was a Nigerian American, and him and his older siblings were born and raised here. He was the youngest, extremely sheltered, and shy. Father died many years ago.

 

He doesn't visit his family or mom often, even though they only live 1 hour away. So when i think about it, he doesnt have a strong bond with anyone in his family, expect one brother that he hangs with occasionally. He doesn't really mention friends, other than his coworkers.

 

I just thought that if i was a good friend to him and supportive that he would stick around. It didn't work.

[geegee81]

Thank you for chatting with me everyone. This is helping me work my way through the situation. ...Its really helping.

 

I guess i thought that physical affection was the way that he showed his care since he did not communicate well. At first i though it was cultural differences that affected his communication with me. I thought we could get past that.

 

Then i thought it was language barriers...but no he speaks perfect English! If he's talking about the weather, tv, or his hatred for the world, he can talk forever. But he would never share about his self, desires, wants, goals, feelings, needs, etc. He never asked me questions about my life or past. He always shut down. He avoids serious conversations.

 

Yes i do see now that physical affection is not enough. I felt alone when i sat next to him.

 

I definitely picked the wrong guy.

 

I went to the movies last night with one of my ex's (a platonic friend now). I was able to laugh, talk during the movie and be myself....It felt good. I didn't feel controlled. I feel bad that i was willing to change myself for a man.