Relationship and Dating: Blurred Lines

[Rocket88]

I need some advice on where to go at this point with a girl I am talking to.

 

I am 25 and just graduated from a professional program and began working a new job in the last 3 months. I have been in 2 long term relationships over the last 3 years, and just broke up about 3 months ago. When I began working, I discovered that a girl in my class was also going to be working (Part Time) at my store. She caught my eye from day one, but wasn't really someone I was all that close to in school.

 

So about a month goes by before I casually asked her out to meet up w/ some friends for some drinks. The drinks started flowing, before I knew it the friends were gone and we ended up going back to her place for a hook-up. We had some good conversation and really seemed to hit it off prior to heading back to her place, but I am having a really hard time reading the situation at this point. She seems like the shy type, and trying to keep things kosher in a professional environment has been tough. A few days went by, and I really wasn't getting much feedback from her.....no calls, no texts....which kind of surprised me.

 

I invited her out about 5 days later to meet up w/ some friends and the same thing happened again....we had a great time and hooked up. I am really interested in this girl. She seems kind of distant/busy when I text her.....but when we are together (outside of work) we really seem to have a connection.

 

I know that I just came out of a relationship, but I don't know what the right move is at this point? Do I just be forward and ask her whats up? Or should I just keep things casual and see what happens? I am genuinely interested in getting to know her.

[Eleanore]

When you have sex with somebody, all sorts of things happen biologically to bond you to each other. (Just Google "oxytocin" if you're not familiar with this!) That's great when you've made a lifetime commitment to someone, but not so great when you first meet them and you barely know each other. Also, psychologically, you quickly lose most of your ability to be objective about whether the two of you are a good match. So I'd say you didn't start off in the best way with this girl.

 

Another thing: texting is not the best venue in which to conduct a relationship (let alone discern if there is potential), especially at the beginning. So many things can be misconstrued. I once dated a guy who would text me constantly, and it literally stressed me out so much that I almost had an anxiety attack after about a month or so. Sometimes our back-and-forthing would trail on for hours, and he'd seem to "disappear," and I'd have no idea how to interpret it. Was he "distant"? Was he busy? Was he with friends? Had he been kidnapped? Who knew?

 

I believe the best way to discern whether somebody might be a good match for you is to take things slowly and deliberately, and be straight-up about your intentions. As a woman, I definitely think it's very manly and attractive if a guy calls (not texts) me and says, "Hey, I'm really interested in getting to know you. Can I take you to dinner?" Good character and kindness of this sort are so rare these days that I'm bowled over when it does happen! So if I were you, that's what I'd do. And also, don't try to have sex with her! That's not going to help you discern, it's not honoring her as a woman, and it could have any number of negative physical/health consequences for you both.

 

Good luck, and please let us know how it turns out.

[fishtaco]

When you have sex with somebody, all sorts of things happen biologically to bond you to each other. (Just Google "oxytocin" if you're not familiar with this!) That's great when you've made a lifetime commitment to someone, but not so great when you first meet them and you barely know each other. Also, psychologically, you quickly lose most of your ability to be objective about whether the two of you are a good match. So I'd say you didn't start off in the best way with this girl.

 

Yes, but I've been in, observed, and heard about plenty of one-sided sex-based casual relationships. Some men just want sex, and some women just want sex too. Recently I read an article on fark or somewhere where these two people met in anger management class, they had sex, the guy wanted a relationship, the woman didn't, so he beat her up. Yes, the irony of it made the news to fark, and I'm in no way condoning any sort of violent behavior, but plenty of women only want casual relationships as well. That oxytocin thing happens, sure, but that doesn't really mean anything.

 

It's best described with Southern California women. They are friendly. Go to a bar/club, hang out, you'll meet chicks, have fun. Maybe get a number, make out, maybe more. And I'm sure she really enjoyed the experience too. But by next weekend, you'll be forgotten, because she's doing the exact same thing again with the next batch of guys -- drinking, talking, having a great time.

 

Great time, "feeling a connection", and Oxytocin don't really mean anything. it just means at that particular moment, it is enjoyable. There's nothing to stop that person from enjoying the same thing from another person.

 

Seems to me this girl isn't interesting in anything more than casual so far. But women are exceeding difficult to read, so I wouldn't bet on my opinion. But being this is work related... this is going to be tough. BTW, this is why you don't **** around at work.

 

You can straight out ask her. But sometimes women don't like to play that way. So you're always taking a risk by doing things the direct way.

 

If you want to be a bit more subtle, invite her out to something that does not involve friends and see what happens. See if she'll spend the night as opposed to **** & go. Do something more date like, like dinner and dancing. If she just wants casual, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, then she may not want the full-on romance treatment. So this is a possible clue you can collect by going this way.

 

Too much work if you ask me.

 

I'd just keep hooking up with her and see what happenes. But not over-investing is a tough thing to train yourself to do.

 

I'm in my 40's, I've been through plenty of experiences of sticking my neck out into bad situations, then feeling hurt because of my own fault. Like what may happen if you just keep sleeping with her. I'm fairly cynical, and I've trained myself not to over-invest, but I still fail sometimes. Emotions are difficult to control. I tend to multi-date anyway when I was single, so for me, I would keep sleeping with her. Even if I end up over-investing and get hurt, my reaction is fairly muted, kind of like scraping a part of your body that is already rough and calloused. Sure, it still hurts, but it's not as bad. But I don't think I can recommend that for you.

 

As for the work relationship... can't help you there. If things go bad, thing can get ugly, and you may lose your job. But you're a bit too late already; you're already involved.

[Eleanore]

Just because someone may want a "casual" sexual relationship doesn't make it right. Sleeping with someone and having no intention of committing to them or any children that may result is selfish and amounts to using the other person, even if it is mutual. People of character don't do it.