25 & stuck in a relationship going nowhere

October 12, 2013

I apologize in advance for the long thread but I'm confused with my life at 25 & where I'm going.

I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now, I love him so very much but we are complete opposites of each other (im extroverted, hes introverted)

In the future, I would like to be married have kids live the American dream and be adored by my husband but unfortunately I dont think my partner feels the same...

Today I asked for a key to his apt, I live at home at the moment & work shorter hours than he does so typically I'll drive to his house to take care of his dog or cook dinner before he arrives but I need a key to get in through the main entrance and up the elevator, I have to ask his neighbor a lot of the time to buzz me up.

His reply to my need was "NO, unless you pay rent you dont need a key, you make more of a mess than clean and you invade my personal space enough already"

hes 26 turning 27 and well yes I know men that age are immature but how much longer do I have to hold out till he wants to further what we have? He loves to tell me " I do EVERYthing for you buy you whatever you want etc etc etc" but honestly I wish he showed more affection above all...I know this is going to sound stupid but most my married/engaged/committed couple friends always post pics of each other or really display love & understanding..& well....my bf holds it all in until he FEELS like showing affection towards me. no going out of his way to SHOW the love, he just says "you should already know" "You just want a picture perfect relationship, well thats not me!"

He also owns his own business and he repeatedly tells me I dont understand his stress levels and how much work he does etc etc that I live in la la land he doesnt have time to give me everything

I love my man so very much but is it wrong to want to be put on a pedestal in the eyes of your lover? I dont want to wake up one day be 30 and still not married, kids, or even a key to his apt.

we've talked about "our" future together and all he ever says is I need to make money to support us before I can even think about marrying you.

Please someone point me in the right direction

October 12, 2013

I'll cut right to the chase. There is no incentive for him to marry you. Marriage only brings costs and risks to a man. Marriage would immediately cost him freedom and privacy, and could cost him half of his business in the case of future divorce (which is where half of all marriages end up).

Your entire post talks about what you want, but not what you bring to the table as far as the relationship is concerned. If you want this man to marry you, you need to think about that. Alternatively, you could simply cut your losses and leave now. Maybe he just doesn't want to marry you.

October 12, 2013

Sounds like you both know what you want.

You want a family one day, hoping he breaks the ice soon.

He wants you to be real stabled so that you can support a family together. He also seems pretty strict about it. that you mentioned asking for his key and his reaction didn't sound pleasant. You do point out though that he owns a business and he stresses out. It seems like he isn't making enough time for you or he isn't trying.

I would have a straight-forward face to face conversation on whats going on. Explaining to him what you seriously want and what he wants, so you both can meet your needs equally working it out. It will do you good if he's willing to cooperate, but if not. It's only going to go downhill and you know how the saying goings "If you don't treat her right, someone else will".

Us men cannot always read what women want.

October 12, 2013

Sounds like you both know what you want.
You want a family one day, hoping he breaks the ice soon.
He wants you to be real stabled so that you can support a family together. He also seems pretty strict about it. that you mentioned asking for his key and his reaction didn't sound pleasant. You do point out though that he owns a business and he stresses out. It seems like he isn't making enough time for you or he isn't trying.
I would have a straight-forward face to face conversation on whats going on. Explaining to him what you seriously want and what he wants, so you both can meet your needs equally working it out. It will do you good if he's willing to cooperate, but if not. It's only going to go downhill and you know how the saying goings "If you don't treat her right, someone else will".
Us men cannot always read what women want.

The sad thing is I had the serious talk about us and for a few weeks/months he'll pull his **** together but slowly starts getting comfortable with the attention he gives...

I had to "fake" break up with him just to see if he would even ****ing care to ask for me back! he just gets so cold sometimes.

I've dated plenty of men in my life to know what I want and what I like, I have plenty of men who STILL chase me but I only have eyes for him :-\

Just dont know how to get through to him properly.

October 12, 2013

The sad thing is I had the serious talk about us and for a few weeks/months he'll pull his **** together but slowly starts getting comfortable with the attention he gives...
I had to "fake" break up with him just to see if he would even ****ing care to ask for me back! he just gets so cold sometimes.

I've dated plenty of men in my life to know what I want and what I like, I have plenty of men who STILL chase me but I only have eyes for him :-\

Just dont know how to get through to him properly.

A relationship is supposed to be fun. All this talk about "a serious talk" and "fake break up" and so on makes it sound like working a second job. It seems to me like your ego just wants to change him, rather than any love you have for him. You said he's an introvert in the first post, well, this is how introverts are. He's a guy who likes his privacy, his alone time, and is not prone to massive, open displays of affection. This is who he is.

You can either accept him for who he is, or you can not. But I'll guarantee you that playing head games, making demands and making threats won't work. Sooner or later he'll get tired of it and realise that life is much easier without that drama.

October 12, 2013

Dating for 2 years and hates when you bring up marriage? He's not going to marry you. Time for you to break up, heal, get over him, fall in love with someone else.

October 12, 2013

You call him immature, but you are the one that sounds immature. He actually seems to be the responsible one here. You are 25 years old, living at home, and haven't established your career yet. You're essentially still a kid who doesn't have much real world and life experience yet. It is way too premature to be bringing up something like marriage and kids.

October 12, 2013

if you had the talk already and it didn't work then nothing else would do. you're trying to change his innate character that you have seen for the past 2 years. it is not some new thing

October 12, 2013

You call him immature, but you are the one that sounds immature. He actually seems to be the responsible one here. You are 25 years old, living at home, and haven't established your career yet. You're essentially still a kid who doesn't have much real world and life experience yet. It is way too premature to be bringing up something like marriage and kids.

I had to move home because my roommate bailed on me to live her bf & left me with all the penalty fees which was over 8k, I have a career & well into it, you have no right to say what you just did. You don't know me personally or any of the things I'm going through outside of what I posted. You're the immature one

October 12, 2013

I had to move home because my roommate bailed on me to live her bf & left me with all the penalty fees which was over 8k, I have a career & well into it, you have no right to say what you just did. You don't know me personally or any of the things I'm going through outside of what I posted. You're the immature one

Well, you sound like an absolute load of fun to live with.

Can't understand why he wouldn't want to get married right away.

October 12, 2013

Well, you sound like an absolute load of fun to live with.

Can't understand why he wouldn't want to get married right away.

Yup I'm the bad guy cause I live at home

October 12, 2013

You can't get through to him because you guys value different things at this point in life and have different communication styles as well as personalities. It's just too much to expect that this can work out especially since it is obvious to me that he just does not want you the same way you want him. It's easier and healthier to find people who are more compatible with your values and interests than to try to change someone's personality. I mean I just don't see what he is offering to you other than material things.

October 12, 2013

If a guy said to me what he said to you - after TWO YEARS - "you invade my personal space enough already" I'd probably break up with him on the spot.

That's incredibly disrespectful. You get absolutely nowhere tolerating that kind of treatment.

October 12, 2013

I had to move home because my roommate bailed on me to live her bf & left me with all the penalty fees which was over 8k, I have a career & well into it, you have no right to say what you just did. You don't know me personally or any of the things I'm going through outside of what I posted. You're the immature one

I apologize for jumping the gun about living at home and your career. But my general point still stands. You're young. This is probably your first relationship coming out of school. I hope that you're not so dead set on completing a particular life timeline that you're limiting yourself in terms of developing yourself and your own identity; creating an existence where you are also happy on your own, with or without your bf. Part of that includes figuring out if he's the right one for you.

October 12, 2013

Is it wrong to want to be put on a pedestal in the eyes of your lover? No, it isn't. That's the way love should be - and it should be MUTUAL. Moreover, you should not have to ASK for someone's affection, attention, empathy, etc. Love is a free gift from one person to another, and it can't be compelled. That's what makes it so incredible when it's real.

This sounds like a man of extremely poor character. He's made that pretty clear by his actions AND words. Let's review:

1. People of strong character are considerate of others' feelings. They are also peaceful people, even when disagreements and misunderstandings occur. This guy completely dismissed your desire for a more substantial commitment, and was quite rude about it at that. He also made it clear that his business and other pursuits are more important than you. Now doesn't that just sound exactly like the Prince Charming of your dreams? (I didn't think so.)

2. People of strong character are caring, grateful, and forgiving. This guy not only is NOT grateful for the nice things you do for him, he actually criticized you for not doing those nice things well ENOUGH! Yikes!

People of weak character are, without exception, extremely poor candidates for intimate relationships. They almost can't help creating drama and causing enormous pain to other people. Their inner core is simply not strong enough.

The good news is that this is not about you. It's his internal issue. Find a kind, loving, self-giving person of strong character, and 90% of most relationship "issues" disappear.

You deserve so much better. I know how much this kind of thing can hurt (I've been there), and I know how it feels to really want that awesome marriage with a guy who will love you forever. I haven't found my Mr. Wonderful yet either, but I try to have faith each day that it will all work out. I'll say a quick prayer for you now! Good luck, and please let us know how it turns out.

October 12, 2013

hes 26 turning 27 and well yes I know men that age are immature but how much longer do I have to hold out till he wants to further what we have? He loves to tell me " I do EVERYthing for you buy you whatever you want etc etc etc" but honestly I wish he showed more affection above all...I know this is going to sound stupid but most my married/engaged/committed couple friends always post pics of each other or really display love & understanding..& well....my bf holds it all in until he FEELS like showing affection towards me. no going out of his way to SHOW the love, he just says "you should already know" "You just want a picture perfect relationship, well thats not me!"

No sex/age group is "immature". It sounds like you're just making excuses for behavior you consider unacceptable. You should accept him for who he is and not waste his/your time if you can't. He may change("mature") or he may not. It's not fair to anyone(him included) for you to expect changes in attitude that may not come about.

-Signed, 27 year old male

October 12, 2013

He said what??????

So he tells you how much of a bother you are to him and you're just cool with it?

If you want love and affection from your partner, this is not the guy.

Have you ever heard the quote "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" ? I can't emphasize how true that is. He has told you all these years how he feels about the relationship LISTEN TO HIM, don't reinterpret it for your own benefit.

I don't know why people (especially women) stick around for years with *******s thinking one day they will force them to change just to end up in divorce once it dawns on them that it can't be done and now they wasted decades being miserable. I think you love the idea of playing wifey with someone more than you do being with him, you want to change him as to not have to start the search all over again and spend who knows how many years single, but these "stuck in a relationship" people always end up breaking up sooner or later. I'd say better sooner since you are young, then later. You have no kids to stick around taking this abuse. Give him the freedom he wants so much and you will learn how rewarding it is to get it for yourself as well. A life of happiness as opposed to a life of tears, humiliations and nights on the internet looking for answers because you want to convince yourself that your gut is wrong.

Look for a relationship that makes you happy, not one that causes you pain.

Been there, done that, most of us have, you live and learn....then you never let an ******* destroy your happiness again.

I'd rather wait 10 years to get 100k then get half of that right now. Most people, however, choose the 50k, now. Which one are you?

Not the best analogy, but yeah, lol.

Edited October 12, 2013 by emva07

October 12, 2013

Hey mikiemal,

Good morning. I hope you've had a decent weekend so far all things considering.

I had to "fake" break up with him just to see if he would even ****ing care to ask for me back! he just gets so cold sometimes.

Although not strictly related to the topic of this thread, I'm big on personal growth and being a good person.

Do you want to practice the skills that you'll need to better express yourself?

I'm familiar with fake break ups.

Most people do this in highschool until they discover a better way to do things. This is a very passive and indirect way to express any concerns that you might have. I'm not saying this to be harsh, but I think there's another way that might work for you. When we are indirect like this our spouse might think we're unreliable, insincere, and very passive-aggressive when we only had good intentions. Have you ever thought about taking it upon yourself to go on a date-night, have fun, and maybe sitting down and simply ask how he feels about the relationship in general?

Edited October 12, 2013 by ThatMan

October 12, 2013

You aren't the bad guy nor are you demanding.

But you are at fault, you said out yourself he's not the type of guy to give you those kind of things.

If you want a soft guy, you don't go to a cold guy and try to change him.

You have to know what you want, and two years is a lot of time to get to know someone else.

October 12, 2013

Is it wrong to want to be put on a pedestal in the eyes of your lover? No, it isn't. That's the way love should be - and it should be MUTUAL.

Is it wrong to want that? No. Is that the way love "should" be? No. Who ever told you that if a guy is to love you, he is to put you on a pedestal? This is what YOUR interpretation of love is, and yes, there are some guys out there who will be this for you, but alternatively there are guys who WON'T be this way with you, but it shouldn't be indicative of how much he loves you--- whether or not he worships the ground you walk on or not.

It seems like you have this idea in your head of what a relationship is supposed to look like. You spend more time on Facebook being envious of all your friend's relationships and believing that yours needs to look like that in order to be successful.

Instead of being so involved in other people's relationships and wishing you had what they did, you should try to focus on how your boyfriend currently DOES show you love. I would suggest the book "The Five Love Languages."

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books

It seems you and your boyfriend do not speak the same Love Language. You want one thing, and he provides you with something else, thus, you cannot "understand." He says he provides for you and buys you whatever you want. That is a love language. The way HE gives you love, is the way HE likes to receive love.

Yes, it is correct you shouldn't have to ask for affection and attention. If that is what you feel you need to do then perhaps you two are just not compatible. At the end of the day, even if he DOES love you, he does not express it in the way that you want/need and you nagging him about it isn't going to change him. He is who he is. Either accept it, or you move on and find someone more compatible.

I'm really not a fan of your "fake break up" just to spark some sort of emotion from him, or to get him into gear. That is highly immature, and highly manipulative.

All that aside, he doesn't particularly sound like a guy who is in any rush to start opening his life on a deeper level to you. He won't give you a key to his apartment, and he made a comment that you already invade his space enough. I think deep down he probably feels smothered by you.

He also has no real incentive to marry you either. You already act like a wife. I'm not sure if you let him know when you are going to his apartment, but I hope you're not the type of girlfriend who just shows up and is just THERE when he gets home. I'm sure he wants his down time and doesn't want to come home to an unwelcome surprise. It sounds as if he's feeling smothered.

You ask how you can "get through to him properly." You can't. There's no "getting through to him." You both clearly want different things, and he's not comfortable with taking things to another level. You can't change his mind here, you can't force him to want something you want, you can't force him to want to give you a key or see the "positive side" to giving you a key. He feels you invade his space, and probably wants to be left alone a bit more.

Continuing to cry to him about this matter, or push it on him, or "fake break up" is just going to do nothing. You've said your piece. He knows your stance on the situation. And he's told you where he stands.

Now it's your choice. Stay in a dead end relationship that is not fulfilling to you, or leave and be single and open to finding someone who WILL give you what you want.

October 12, 2013

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this.

He says so much foul crap to you... and your biggest worry is that he may not want to marry you?

Why do YOU want to marry HIM!?!?

October 12, 2013

What exactly makes you sure he wants to marry you?

His reply to my need was "NO, unless you pay rent you dont need a key, you make more of a mess than clean and you invade my personal space enough already"

People don't talk like that to a potential spouse.

If he doesn't like having you around/"invading his personal space" now, why on earth would he marry you?

I'm sure you're great gal, and an awesome girlfriend, but clearly he is not the right type for you. Come to think of it, I'm not sure WHO is the right type, for a guy that makes his girlfriend sound like a troublesome pet who always makes a mess: "Make more of a mess than you clean"

You deserve better.

My guess is that he has never actually SAID that he wants to get married? Because from what you're writing, it seems more like he's avoiding the subject: "I need to make more money to better support you before I can even think of marrying you" doesn't sound like a guy who is seriously considering marriage.

Listen to what he's saying: "I need to make more money before I can even think...". He wants to postpone making the decision until he's more settled. And by then the decision will probably be not to marry you.

October 12, 2013

I'm just going to say his 20 year old roommate said I'm dream wifey & more girls should be like me, I understand I can't force my partners opinion or anyone else's.

he's not a player & very shy but he requires a lot of space & I only see him 3x a week

But the lack of PDA or affection is really killing the relationship on my end but he thrives on how much love I give to him, so it doesn't make sense that someone who is very smart in all other situations can't figure out why I'm so depressed

I know I should break up with him & move on

Just sucks where I am in my life right now

Feels like a quarter life crisis among the other problems i have going on

Thanks for all the advice

October 12, 2013

You've already wasted 2 years on this guy, time to move on! Don't throw good money after bad.

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25 & stuck in a relationship going nowhere

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