Monodare1 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Hi guys Not had this before so far, this week, from time to time I've been having flashbacks from before my separation, and when my mind drifts back to the present I get such a feeling of disbelief, almost as if I wonder how I got from the to here. It's such a weird unsettling feeling. I was hoping I was getting better, but these moments throw me. Does any one else get this?
fuglinnfonix Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 13 months ago...I stood before a priest commiting to a woman. Today i have been divorced 7 months. Sometimes I will just stare at the computer screen at work and wonder how everything can change so drastically in a short time. I got divorced, move to another location and changed job...in one week in march. Sometimes I get flashbacks of dreams I have about her....it's weird. But as time passes you begin to see that this person probably wasn't the right one. You just miss the feelings you experienced, the physical contact and so on. This can be experienced with someone else too. I thought she was the one, but when I reflect on the relationship...I remember more bad than good. That means something. And I am glad that the bad things are no more. Hang in there....you will come around. The first month after my divorce I was barely able to work...I would "zone out" infront of the computer for maybe 10-20 seconds....on memories...flashbacks.....what she may have been doing....endless thoughts. This is normal. 2
Author Monodare1 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 It's hard, especially when I think of doing all the things a daddy does for his little boy and now I only see him at the weekend, miss those things more than the eventual ex wife. Having to start all over again is pretty daunting. Forcing myself not to go on dating sites etc as I don't think now is a good time for all that, trying to concentrate on removing my name from our joint mortgage, learning to drive, keeping fit. It's just those little moments of loneliness or the moment just after you wake up that it all hits again. I pretty much know what I need to do, it's the motivation to do it that's the problem. Also dreading the moment she tells me she's met someone, more so from my dons angle than get moving on.
Author Monodare1 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Sorry, mostly from my sons angle than her moving on.
MrE_UK Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Hi, I have these moments and "zone out" at times too. I just cannot believe I am where I am, and that she couldn't give two hoots about anyone but number one, how my little girl doesn't want FaceTime to end and won't let me go, how much I am missing of her growing up, and it's like I am no longer a parent and can't hug her when she's ill or upset - then I get angry. The ex can't take criticism, is punishing, self-centred and self-serving, wants attention and all the praise... My conclusion: My ex is a narcissist!!
Heartbroken Eagle Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Unfortunately I can relate as well. Today my son has his first proper football match and I cannot watch him as I only have him every other weekend and I live a hundred miles away. However my ex and her new boyfriend who she met in May and has already moved in to the house that we shared until her affair with another bloke, will be there!!! Yet another kick in the teeth!!! 1
Heartbroken Eagle Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Also having to start again (Had to move back to my Mother's), the loneliness, missing being with my son daily, it really does hurt. I do have some good ftiends who have been awesome though. Tried joining a dating agency, had arranged a date with a truly wonderful woman, but 'bottled' it cause I am just not ready yet. But I don't miss my ex, just angry with her for all the lies and betrayal. But mostly for keeping me away from my son for every other weekend... I'm trying to view this as my new chance of finding happiness, just does not feel like it just yet!!! 2
Author Monodare1 Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I'm there with you all smack bang in the middle of it. I hope that the ex will put the needs of our little one first above her needs, that's all I can hope for. I'm doing my best to take myself out of the whole dating thing, for a while at least, I've far too much to sort out, getting shot of the house, saving money, considering a new job next year, clearing debts (mostly run up by her!), learning to drive (so I can maybe see more of my son as he live a good distance from me). It the lack of seeing my son, the loneliness and the feeling as if, excluding my son (my best acheivement in life) that I'm back to the way I was before my relationship and marriage with not a lot to show for it except debt and heartbreak. In fact, before meeting my ex I was we'll on the way to clearing most of my personal debt only to rack more up for furniture, wedding etc. now I'm back to being lumped with at least a further 5 years of debt with no quick fix other than winning the lottery, just makes me feel pig sick at times. 1
Heartbroken Eagle Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Again, In the same boat... All I've got to show for the last 12 years is one awesome 7 year old boy and a load of debts from living with a spendaholic... Many people do say that life will get better in time. Just time seems to be dragging at the moment and weekends without my son seems to be the worse...
MrE_UK Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Snap! All I have to show for 7 years is a wonderful, beautiful little girl; but, 6 years worth of debt, am penniless, have some DVDs and CDs, my clothes, a PC, a PS3 with 7 games, a printer, and some paper work. My entire life is summed up in 6 boxes and am 35. Am in a room at my Grandmothers about 150 miles away from my daughter. Surreal. Edited October 12, 2013 by MrE_UK
TheBladeRunner Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 It didn't! I just did a post in dating how I am giving it up for awhile. I am getting dates, just not really meeting anyone I feel real good about. Every time one ends (date) I have been thinking that same darn thing" I can't believe this has happened, I used to have this great family". I get through it pretty quick, but I know even my XW is starting to question whether her choices are right. Too late now though, she cheated several times and I just can't get past it. I have been out of the house 15 months and early on it was way worse.
M30USA Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Unfortunately I can relate as well. Today my son has his first proper football match and I cannot watch him as I only have him every other weekend and I live a hundred miles away. However my ex and her new boyfriend who she met in May and has already moved in to the house that we shared until her affair with another bloke, will be there!!! Yet another kick in the teeth!!! GO TO THE GAME ANYWAY! I live 130 miles from my kids currently yet I still make EVERY big event, parent teacher conference, etc. That is YOUR son. He only has ONE dad. If you attend, he WILL remember it always. Trust me. 4
Heartbroken Eagle Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I will be going to future matches, without a doubt. I was given late notice of the game (probably deliberate!!!) but I will make sure I will be there in future... It makes my ex and her family uncomfortable when I'm around, but I don't care. It's probably guilt or scared I might tell the world of her dark secrets. They really don't care about my feelings... 1
M30USA Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I will be going to future matches, without a doubt. I was given late notice of the game (probably deliberate!!!) but I will make sure I will be there in future... It makes my ex and her family uncomfortable when I'm around, but I don't care. It's probably guilt or scared I might tell the world of her dark secrets. They really don't care about my feelings... Same with my ex and her family. It's funny but there is always a group of family with her everywhere but I show up alone. Yet her mother still told me once to "take it slow" for my ex's sake. Take it slow? All I'm doing is showing up. I guess, to them, that isn't taking it slow? It's evident that they only ever saw things from her perspective. At least I see the truth now.
Misadventure Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 But as time passes you begin to see that this person probably wasn't the right one. You just miss the feelings you experienced, the physical contact and so on. This can be experienced with someone else too. I thought she was the one, but when I reflect on the relationship...I remember more bad than good. That means something. And I am glad that the bad things are no more. Hang in there....you will come around. The first month after my divorce I was barely able to work...I would "zone out" infront of the computer for maybe 10-20 seconds....on memories...flashbacks.....what she may have been doing....endless thoughts. This is normal. This pretty much illustrates it IMHO. Yesterday, I had to run to the grocery store which should have been a quick 30 minute thing. It turned into 2 hours. Somehow...in the aisles.. I stopped...realized I was shopping for one now.. and started over. Then I let it all in again...took a deep breath and told myself "Don't do this." Then I walked on, and looked for things just for me, and went about my way. Those first couple months all I did was cry and then slowly crawl my way out of the abyss... thinking of the good memories, the Christmases, holidays and that we will never again share them...the happy things that happened in this house and in our life together. But then I made the choice to stop bathing in memories that did nothing but hurt me. Why do it to myself continuously? He certainly wasn't. I made the choice to go through the process of grief...and move forward. Feel it but not forever wallow. I focused on me. Remember ME in this hobunk relationship?? Counseling helps and doing all the things to focus on getting ME back. But every now and then, something will creep up..remind me ..the disbelief sets in for a few minutes..sadness..and then anger.. then it passes. It's not as strong or as long as it was before. I am 3.5 months in.....I don't have the answers but at least it shows that 3.5 months in it is possible to move forward and start feeling better about yourself and things in general if you make the mental choice to start doing that and start putting him behind you. The good news is that when it hurts.. when there is disbelief.. I have comfort in knowing that pain and hurt only lasts so long now and I can do something after for ME. Will this still happen in 6 months? 8 months? a year? Yes... This was not just some small blip in my life. This was a large chapter on which I relished in every word.. every detail, and just didn't know better. But the fact that it is so easy for him to have discarded me and I am not even a thought except as the one who isn't just handing him everything in the divorce really feeds that anger I have now, and the strength to want to move on and put him in my rear-view mirror. 3
dienstag Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Yeah, i also get flashbacks of my "previouse life" and i also wonder where did it all go wrong? Does it make me a loser now? Cause it is easy to come to this conclusion but then i try to put aside this poor little me face and carry on with life. Lets put it this way - it is simply different now and every coin has two sides so there must be something positive here, even if currently i cannt see it. It will come, right?
hayewils Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I tell ya what, Its like we were all just used for what our ex's could get out of us. Im also bout 3 years in debt, atleast a good 3 yrs. its like they sucked all the blood they could, then dropped our dried up shrivled carcass on the ground and just walked off to the next victim. No more joint accounts in the future for me. If they run out of money then tough, they will be waiting on their next paycheck. And if they dont like it, they can go right back out the door the same way they came in 2
Shocked Suzie Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Hi guys Not had this before so far, this week, from time to time I've been having flashbacks from before my separation, and when my mind drifts back to the present I get such a feeling of disbelief, almost as if I wonder how I got from the to here. It's such a weird unsettling feeling. I was hoping I was getting better, but these moments throw me. Does any one else get this? It does ease off, I do still zone out at times...but thankfully it's not so much of a 'dwelling' zone out, I'm 10 months separated. I longed for that turning point day...mine was around the 8 month mark, I can now think back without it being so painful and feel much more detached from my ex in so many ways. You'll begin to see that they really are not worth the emotional turmoil, time and energy that your brain is allowing them and slowly start to push those thoughts to one side and think of something better. For me accepting that I will never understand the why's and how's ....it allowed me to stop 'most of the time' beating myself up. For me atm I had so much to deal with in such a short space of time that I've been so busy that now things have settled down I've hit a bit of a wall...this journey is one he'll of a roller coaster. When I feel like it's all getting too much I do a mental retake/revaluate, in my mind I make my mind stop, mentally start from scratch again....it's so easy to get carried away with thousands of thoughts and memories, it's hard to do but after a while you will be able to control your wandering mind more and more as time goes on. SS x
K Os Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 When I feel like it's all getting too much I do a mental retake/revaluate, in my mind I make my mind stop, mentally start from scratch again....it's so easy to get carried away with thousands of thoughts and memories, it's hard to do but after a while you will be able to control your wandering mind more and more as time goes on. Absolutely. I find meditation has been more help with this than anything else. 30 minutes - reset - and all is cool. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Absolutely. I find meditation has been more help with this than anything else. 30 minutes - reset - and all is cool. I've tried meditation... Think my minds too busy for it for my sanity it's walking and swimming... It's saved me! Think that's why I've hit a wall as I'm on 7 wks rest from an op " wayyyyy too much mental head space time"!!! Not good! OP.. As time moves on you begin to be able to recognize your wandering mind and stop it.... Shout at yourself in your mind, or mental move the thought... Sounds mental but it works 1
Shocked Suzie Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Yeah, i also get flashbacks of my "previouse life" and i also wonder where did it all go wrong? Does it make me a loser now? Cause it is easy to come to this conclusion but then i try to put aside this poor little me face and carry on with life. Lets put it this way - it is simply different now and every coin has two sides so there must be something positive here, even if currently i cannt see it. It will come, right? Have flashbacks too, everything seems so heavy and on my shoulders now, Scary as! My life seemed so carefree back then. I felt.. Feel like I failed in some way and so frustrated that I'm forced to do things I never thought I'd have to do at this stage of my life... Some of the time I rise to this challenge... Other times I feel disjointed and like a fish out of water... Hoping this will improve in time. There is light at the end of the tunnel just up to us to reach for it... Just hard at times when it's seems so forced upon us. My life feels so upside down, but making the most out of a really crap situation...what else can be done!?
K Os Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I've tried meditation... Think my minds too busy for it for my sanity it's walking and swimming... Same here - walking and swimming saved me. When things were at their most intense I was swimming a mile at a time. Meditation has only been a help more recently, now I'm (somewhat) less mad anyway 1
Author Monodare1 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Hi guys, it's great to have a forum like this, makes me feel that little less alone through all this. Still living with my 88 year old dad and to be honest, struggling z bit in my sales job. Missing targets etc. been in the same job for years and I'm in walking distance from the exes work. Really coming to the conclusion that I need a life overhaul, new job to be able to afford me own place so that myself and the little one can have a cost wee place for his weekends. Not satisfied with separation and not satisfied with work so I think I need a total overhaul, any one else done that?
hayewils Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Hi guys, it's great to have a forum like this, makes me feel that little less alone through all this. Still living with my 88 year old dad and to be honest, struggling z bit in my sales job. Missing targets etc. been in the same job for years and I'm in walking distance from the exes work. Really coming to the conclusion that I need a life overhaul, new job to be able to afford me own place so that myself and the little one can have a cost wee place for his weekends. Not satisfied with separation and not satisfied with work so I think I need a total overhaul, any one else done that? im all up for a new life overhaul. I think its the best thing a person can do to refocus your mind, get out of the norm of things so to speak. I just got home from doing a drug screen and physical for a new job that's going to move me 3 hours away.. I am so looking forward to it. Its a real opportunity to start a new life.
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