GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 They sleep in the same bed. They rub feet and when the H is cold she cuddles the H. Hopefully, she denies sex to her H to be faithful to you. Or perhaps she has sex with the H while having mental images of you. Don't fret, it cannot be that bad. What's odd about it, is that in the first year of our new relationship,I accepted it. It didn't bother me in the least. We'd even discuss gritty details of our individual terrible sex lives. She even said once that she said my name during sex with him because she was thinking of me. It is only in the last 6 months or so that it really makes me jealous. Just the idea of him having the freedom to talk to her as he chooses just riles me up. She tries her best not to have sex or have anything happen and he knows not to ask. But he knows that when she's asleep she is vulnerable and he usually tries to do things with her, and is sometimes successful. She always feels bad about it later. Just something I have to deal with.
GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I know what you mean. Whenever I picture them together, I picture hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, laughing etc. Never picture that it might be bland moments or arguing... But ultimately, the reality is: there also have to be times they spend together in which all those positive things I listed DO happen between them. Jealousy that they get to express those things openly and publicly...but are we really jealous that we're not married to these "men" who treat us this way? I'm just hoping to get away before it's too late. You are probably right. There are some things that will occur that make us crazy. In my situation, they are trying to be friends. So, they are both learning new boundaries and trying to adhere to them. Especially difficult since he would rather have sex with her and makes attempts when he can. Agreed to about expressing things openly and publicly. I'm so tired of being a man in the shadow that she claims (not trying to brag) gives her the best sex she's ever had and is a super romantic at the same time. She calls me Noah (from the Notebook) Gray (from 50 Shades). All we can do is hope for the best that they are miserable...lol. Good luck in the outcome that you wish for. I hope we all can find some peace of mind one day. This stuff sucks...lol.
GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Tell her to fake headaches and stomachaches. That's how exMM would get out of anything sexual with his exwife when she tried to initiate anything (like twice a year she would try). He said that after all the years of her rejecting him, he didn't feel bad at all about faking illness to get out of doing anything with her, especially considering he was pretty grossed out by her by then and the thought of doing anything with her really did turn his stomach - so the stomach ache wasn't completely faked. She usually does her best when she is awake. He knows that she loves getting woke up being touched in naughty ways. So, when she is asleep he sneaks in, and her engine is revving so she doesn't/can't stop. Then after it's over she gets upset and she has to come find me and tell me. It's an awful situation. Just experienced it Wednesday night. Sat in the car with her for an hour talking and crying. Guilt and jealousy everywhere. I hate this crap. Can't wait til it's over.
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 She usually does her best when she is awake. He knows that she loves getting woke up being touched in naughty ways. So, when she is asleep he sneaks in, and her engine is revving so she doesn't/can't stop. Then after it's over she gets upset and she has to come find me and tell me. It's an awful situation. Just experienced it Wednesday night. Sat in the car with her for an hour talking and crying. Guilt and jealousy everywhere. I hate this crap. Can't wait til it's over. Wow, she is able to get you to feel bad for her, for enjoying sex with her husband. She is GOOD.
GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 One thing is to have sex with a married woman and forget about her and another thing is to fall in love with a married woman. The latter is deadly for anyone, but particularly for a man. Women are quite good at sharing men or being part of the harem. However, historically men don't do this too well. So why are you putting yourself in this situation? Do you think so little of you that you allow this? OK, I can see falling in love. At this point you tell her to get out of the marriage or else. What are you doing dude? How does it feel to hide behind the skirt of this woman while you secretly carry on this affair? How can she put you through this? Where is your self respect? How does she have the balls to discuss the sexual act with her H with you? And you listen to that crap? And the jealousy? Why are you so insecure? I bet she enjoys your jealousy since this validates her. You'd have to understand our overall relationship to appreciate the situation I think. We were best friends (and still are) for five years before anything changed between us. Before she and I became more intimate in our relationship we discussed everything. We basically vented to each other about how unhappy we were in our own relationships. We grew closer by doing so. She had settled for her husband. He's a nice guy but he wouldn't or couldn't give her what she wanted in life. Especially sexually. He tries but he can't satisfy her. He has no sense of adventure. Nice guy but not the right guy for her (her words). The way things stand presently, they are separated. They live in the same home for the sake of the kids and financial reasons. He knows that I'm in love with her and he knows she loves me (she even asked him once if she could have sex with him and myself individually - not a threesome - he said no...lol). If not for the kids they share she would be gone already. As for why I am in this situation? Don't I respect myself? It is corny and I know it's bandied about this forum and all across the world but she is the one for me. I'd never cheated on my wife up until this point. She hadn't cheated on her husband before. When you see something that seems so perfect, how can I not take a chance at it? How do you meet your soul mate and not try to take chance at it? If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I doubt it though. I trust this woman with everything I am. I'd rather try and be wrong than wonder the rest of my life if I passed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. She does not enjoy the jealousy. Neither one of us do. It's a painful ordeal for both of us. What man wouldn't be insecure in this situation? She is leaving her family for me. She has every reason in the world (family, money, kids) to stay where she's at. Except she doesn't love him. She knows it will end. So does he. It's just a matter of time. I have to have faith in her. And I do. I know my place in this. That's why I use the name Gatsby. If you've read the book or seen the movie, you'd understand. Nothing in life is a guarantee. I'm just hoping for a happy ending. That doesn't make me a sucker. That makes me a romantic(I think at least...lol)
GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Wow, she is able to get you to feel bad for her, for enjoying sex with her husband. She is GOOD. You can look at it that way if you'd like. You'd be wrong though. In our relationship we both have always known there would be things happening with our spouses that the other wouldn't like. In the last six months she had sex with her husband once (lasted two minutes and she cried making her husband very confused). The rest of the time it's been him touching her, she never touches him or helps him do his thing. One of the things about her is that she is a very sexual creature. VERY sexual. I can understand how she would fall to erotic temptation in these situations. We all make mistakes and this is one messed up situation where the lines that we know we shouldn't cross quite often blurred beyond recognition. Up until three weeks ago, they were "working" on their marriage. At least from his perspective. Then she told him she didn't want to be married anymore. She wanted to be friends and live in the house until it sells so they can figure everything out. From my perspective I understand her very well and know what she's going through. You could assume the worst that she might be being manipulative or working me over but that wouldn't be correct. I don't take these harsher replies personally. I can appreciate there is a lot of distrust and hurt on these forums. I often wonder what people have went through to assume the worst of people. Edited October 12, 2013 by GatsbyMH 1
sweet_pea Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 You'd have to understand our overall relationship to appreciate the situation I think. We were best friends (and still are) for five years before anything changed between us. Before she and I became more intimate in our relationship we discussed everything. We basically vented to each other about how unhappy we were in our own relationships. We grew closer by doing so. She had settled for her husband. He's a nice guy but he wouldn't or couldn't give her what she wanted in life. Especially sexually. He tries but he can't satisfy her. He has no sense of adventure. Nice guy but not the right guy for her (her words). The way things stand presently, they are separated. They live in the same home for the sake of the kids and financial reasons. He knows that I'm in love with her and he knows she loves me (she even asked him once if she could have sex with him and myself individually - not a threesome - he said no...lol). If not for the kids they share she would be gone already. As for why I am in this situation? Don't I respect myself? It is corny and I know it's bandied about this forum and all across the world but she is the one for me. I'd never cheated on my wife up until this point. She hadn't cheated on her husband before. When you see something that seems so perfect, how can I not take a chance at it? How do you meet your soul mate and not try to take chance at it? If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I doubt it though. I trust this woman with everything I am. I'd rather try and be wrong than wonder the rest of my life if I passed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. She does not enjoy the jealousy. Neither one of us do. It's a painful ordeal for both of us. What man wouldn't be insecure in this situation? She is leaving her family for me. She has every reason in the world (family, money, kids) to stay where she's at. Except she doesn't love him. She knows it will end. So does he. It's just a matter of time. I have to have faith in her. And I do. I know my place in this. That's why I use the name Gatsby. If you've read the book or seen the movie, you'd understand. Nothing in life is a guarantee. I'm just hoping for a happy ending. That doesn't make me a sucker. That makes me a romantic(I think at least...lol) So.. with all that said, are you divorced?
yellowmaverick Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Sometimes it is something as small as infidelity. Not that it doesn't hurt (been there, it does) but some people literally see it as similar or comparable to death. Blows my mind. Some people have zero resilience or zero perspective and can't see past their pain. But, some people assume the worst of others because they assume the best about themselves. They believe that the ONLY way to do things is the way that they do them - self righteousness. They lack perspective, they lack vision, they lack insight and any knowledge about anything outside of their own vision. And, they lack empathy. They aren't able to put themselves in anybody elses shoes because they are so self absorbed with their own feelings and thoughts and self righteousness that they can't see anything but themselves. Why they come to a forum for APs? Eh, some feel indignant I suppose and think it their job to proselytize to others about "right" and "wrong". You know, tell people the "right" way to live life (cuz there's only one right way, lol!). And, some come to stir it up and get a reaction - and then cry into their pillow all night because everyone won't agree with them, or beg forgiveness from them for living their lives their own way. And some? They just can't get their heads around the fact that life isn't fair, and love isn't guaranteed just because you're married - and the world doesn't owe you anything. I'm glad you don't take them personally. Some of them really want you to take it personally. And, if you did, and came back here and begged them for forgiveness (they have god complexes and feel you are absolved if THEY forgive you, lmao) they would then accept you with open arms - but of course, while still reminding you why you are "less than" and that you will ALWAYS owe them humility. And "some people" are hypocrites and delusional. But, hey, whatever gets you through the day, right? 4
hippetyhop Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I haven't read all the posts, but why be jealous of someone that he is lying to, someone who he isn't being faithful to, someone whose back he's sneaking around pretending everything is okay? 1
GypsumSatellite Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 The only thing so-called wrong is that you're attached to him emotionally. That's what brings those feelings of jealousy about. It's not rooted in anything you'd really judge someone as a good partner for, but in whatever goodness you've felt in his presence. You know you don't really long to be with him, to one day be like his W who is having to turn another blind eye to yet another OW when he's become bored or vulnerable to his age or psyche. You don't envy her role, you envy her potential for time around him. Even if she may spend every blessed minute she can muster doing anything but being around him. That's all. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 The only thing so-called wrong is that you're attached to him emotionally. That's what brings those feelings of jealousy about. It's not rooted in anything you'd really judge someone as a good partner for, but in whatever goodness you've felt in his presence. You know you don't really long to be with him, to one day be like his W who is having to turn another blind eye to yet another OW when he's become bored or vulnerable to his age or psyche. You don't envy her role, you envy her potential for time around him. Even if she may spend every blessed minute she can muster doing anything but being around him. That's all. Very well put! Also, a great new perspective - I haven't thought about things this way. I felt like jealousy was more-so a result of insecurity. You know how they say, "When someone feels jealous, it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with themselves". They simply feel inadequate - or in this situation, the OW feels like the wife has a quality that she doesn't possess which is why the MM chooses to spend time with the W. You're absolutely right - I would never want to take the W's place. That would leave a vacancy in the OW slot... but it was wonderfully put, what you said: "You don't envy her role, you envy her potential for time around him".
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) This is unusual. Most posters in your situation (and there are many) are MOWs. The one that generally leaves the marriage is the MOW whereas the married OM says he is leaving, but never does. However, every once in a while the roles are reversed and it is the married OM that leaves and the MOW stays put despite all the promises to leave. Are you sure she is divorcing? As you said: All the info you have are her words. In reality you don't really know what goes on in her house. This story has been told a zillion times on this board. Yo9u need to tell her to get out or you end the relationship. This situation is not healthy for you. All that talk about telling the H she loves you comes from her mouth. Be careful, this is old news in this forum. If you are still operating in secret affair mode her H knows NOTHING. There has been no d-day and for all we know the H thinks everything is OK. It certainly is an unusual situation, that's for sure. I do know for fact that she did tell him.... I should say he sneaked onto her phone and saw some texts he shouldn't have. She spun it as it was just us admitting we love each other and that we held hands once. This was in a messenger. We all work in the same building. He and I were on speaking terms at one point. He addressed it to me via work messenger. I know he knows. I was with her one afternoon having lunch when she and I both called out sick from work (very obvious) and he decided to check her cell phone records. He was upset she talked to me so much (she says I'm only her friend and she won't lose me). He noticed a lot of calls but didn't even try to put the times together. We talk so much it should have set him off but he didn't dig deeper. Too painful I suppose. I totally believe her when she tells me things. It would be easy to be suspicious and believe otherwise, and given the toxic nature of these forums and the nasty way people treat each other I can understand the immediate desire to believe the worst. She tells me the truth. I just know it's the truth. I don't just want it to be the truth. I feel it. It sounds so lame but when you are as close to someone as she and I ALWAYS have been, you just know. As for it being unhealthy... yeah. It feels like it. I'm not a drinker or a person to find other means to self soothe but I have been doing some very moderate drinking (laughable if you knew what it was really... cough syrup is probably more apt to get me drunk). I just find myself needing something to soothe the tightness in my chest at night. I hope I can survive this...lol. Edited October 14, 2013 by GatsbyMH spelling
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 So.. with all that said, are you divorced? Paperwork is being processed. My wife moved out two months ago and we are on amiable terms. I was never happy with her. She knew it once I began telling her I wanted to separate. She was very clingy. A good person but she smothered me. Plus virtually no sex. I hate that to be a factor because it sounds shallow but I'm a very sexual person and she simply isn't.
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I haven't read all the posts, but why be jealous of someone that he is lying to, someone who he isn't being faithful to, someone whose back he's sneaking around pretending everything is okay? You've got a great point. Why be jealous indeed. In this messed up situation I've been in for years it's almost like a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. I was my normal self, did the normal things with my wife we always did. Went to movies, ate dinner out, took weekend trips to various places. I did lie a lot to her and deceive. I don't think the OW in my situation is jealous of the lies I told. She gets jealous of the movies, the weekend trips or just lazy days at home eating pizza. The normal things in life we never get to do together. Having breakfast at a restaurant out with her is a genuine treat for me. We love getting together for sex but just doing something normal and enjoying each others company is such a rarity I am extremely jealous that her husband gets to sit on the couch and casually chat with her over nothing important (probably boring!) while watching crap TV. I want that so bad with her but I can't. Not yet. One day though.
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Sometimes it is something as small as infidelity. Not that it doesn't hurt (been there, it does) but some people literally see it as similar or comparable to death. Blows my mind. Some people have zero resilience or zero perspective and can't see past their pain. But, some people assume the worst of others because they assume the best about themselves. They believe that the ONLY way to do things is the way that they do them - self righteousness. They lack perspective, they lack vision, they lack insight and any knowledge about anything outside of their own vision. And, they lack empathy. They aren't able to put themselves in anybody elses shoes because they are so self absorbed with their own feelings and thoughts and self righteousness that they can't see anything but themselves. Why they come to a forum for APs? Eh, some feel indignant I suppose and think it their job to proselytize to others about "right" and "wrong". You know, tell people the "right" way to live life (cuz there's only one right way, lol!). And, some come to stir it up and get a reaction - and then cry into their pillow all night because everyone won't agree with them, or beg forgiveness from them for living their lives their own way. And some? They just can't get their heads around the fact that life isn't fair, and love isn't guaranteed just because you're married - and the world doesn't owe you anything. I'm glad you don't take them personally. Some of them really want you to take it personally. And, if you did, and came back here and begged them for forgiveness (they have god complexes and feel you are absolved if THEY forgive you, lmao) they would then accept you with open arms - but of course, while still reminding you why you are "less than" and that you will ALWAYS owe them humility. You used the word resilience when talking about bouncing back from the hurt we feel so much. I often amaze myself at how much I can endure without it making me snap. I use the name Gatsby because that's what I often feel like. I stare at that green light in the distance waiting for her to come to me. I only hope that my tale will end differently than his did. It's odd. I'm a romantic at heart (ridiculous to say on these forums it seems to me) and I only hope for the best in these things. I guess that's what bugs me about reading so much of these forums is that people have been hurt so much and constantly that I wonder if they will ever believe in romance and the concept of soul mates ever again. It makes me sad. 2
2sure Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Gatsby....since they are separated and only living together for practical purposes , why does she keep insisting that you and she are just friends? I understand you feel strongly that he knows...but unless she has lied to him repeatedly throughout the marriage, he is probably inclined to believe what she keeps insisting is the truth. I mean, why bother ?
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Gatsby....since they are separated and only living together for practical purposes , why does she keep insisting that you and she are just friends? I understand you feel strongly that he knows...but unless she has lied to him repeatedly throughout the marriage, he is probably inclined to believe what she keeps insisting is the truth. I mean, why bother ? Several reasons. First, they have kids together. She loves them more than anything else and they are young. It terrifies her to think she will have to share them and not see them some days of the week. She knows it's a reality that's coming but she isn't ready to face it yet. I don't have kids so I can't entirely relate but I get the gist of the pain she's feeling. I'm not rushing her. The last thing I want is for her to be resentful of me. Believe that I'm the reason her kids aren't around as much as she wants. I have to let her do this in her own time. As sad as it sounds, she's pretty careless. Something will happen to spur things along. Secondly, her family is extremely anti-divorce. It will be an easier pill for her family to swallow if she and her husband get divorced as a mutual thing (he has agreed to say it was mutual for her benefit... he loves her a lot it would seem, because to me, that's a very generous thing to do). Instead of him catching her cheating with me. It's not a good situation at all but we had always said we wanted things to end because the marriage wasn't working. Not because of each other. It doesn't help any that he caught wind of my just having feelings for her but what's done is done. She and I made a pinkie promise on day one of all this started. We promised that if things didn't work out with our spouses we would get together later on and be a couple. We were such good friends it made sense. Then, of course temptation pops up and we end up doing naughty things with each other that our spouses would never do. I had honestly expected our relationship to evolve over many years. It's only been two now. I would expect by the third year to pass she and I will be together in a real capacity. We discuss this all the time. We tell each other we will never cheat on each other. Not because of love for each other. Just because this whole damn thing has been so painful. So stressful. I don't think she and I are cut out for it this crap. I started getting gray hairs over all this! Never had a gray hair until the last year rolled around. Maybe it was due time but I think it's stress.
GatsbyMH Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Whoever started this thread originally, I do apologize for seemingly hijacking it. Most nights I show up here because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm jealous or worried or something. Thanks for letting me find some distraction.
lollipopspot Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I've been on two sides of affairs, and one is better than the other in my experience, but neither is desirable. which in your experience is better?
Recommended Posts