SarahJames Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 My MM is significantly older than me (more than 15 years older), he's a serial cheater, possibly a sex addict, clearly a liar, yet I can't help but feel jealous. I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm jealous of this woman who has this man who has no respect for her or their marriage. What the hell is wrong with me? There are certain qualities about him which I absolutely love, but none of them are great enough to tolerate being lied to, cheated on, betrayed, etc. Yet I still sit here picturing the two of them together, and how lucky she is to have him, yet how cursed she is to have him. My emotions are so twisted right now. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. 2
bentleychic Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I'd read that post over and over and over to yourself. If you really feel all of those things, I don't understand why you stay with him, either. 5
WishfulThinking74 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You aren't crazy, you are hurt and you need to try and move on. My MM is probably a sex addict too, although I don't think he is a serial cheater. The man could have sex 24/7...no joke. I don't know what makes us so weak that we will settle for crap. And yes, I vacillate between hating the BS/ feeling sorry for her/ being jealous of her. Crazy mixed up emotions this situation has created.
ladydesigner Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I'd read that post over and over and over to yourself. If you really feel all of those things, I don't understand why you stay with him, either. I agree with Bentley love shouldn't cause this much pain. 2
HopingAgain Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You are jealous because you love him, you see him as a prize, and because he is unattainable to you right now (at least in the way you would like to have him) he seems 1000 times more desirable to you than he would if he were single. 4
Cinnimon Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 you are jealous because you love him, you see him as a prize, and because he is unattainable to you right now (at least in the way you would like to have him) he seems 1000 times more desirable to you than he would if he were single. this........yes
yellowmaverick Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 yet how cursed she is to have him And this is why you should not be jealous. You are both cursed to have him in your lives. 4
C00kie Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 My MM is significantly older than me (more than 15 years older), he's a serial cheater, possibly a sex addict, clearly a liar, yet I can't help but feel jealous. I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm jealous of this woman who has this man who has no respect for her or their marriage. What the hell is wrong with me? There are certain qualities about him which I absolutely love, but none of them are great enough to tolerate being lied to, cheated on, betrayed, etc. Yet I still sit here picturing the two of them together, and how lucky she is to have him, yet how cursed she is to have him. My emotions are so twisted right now. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. Familiar feeling... You're not crazy. You actually have the wisdom to understand your feelings are in the way of your vision of how things really are. It'll go away. Stay away from him!
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 My MM is significantly older than me (more than 15 years older), he's a serial cheater, possibly a sex addict, clearly a liar, yet I can't help but feel jealous. I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm jealous of this woman who has this man who has no respect for her or their marriage. What the hell is wrong with me? There are certain qualities about him which I absolutely love, but none of them are great enough to tolerate being lied to, cheated on, betrayed, etc. Yet I still sit here picturing the two of them together, and how lucky she is to have him, yet how cursed she is to have him. My emotions are so twisted right now. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. You're not crazy, you're just letting your feelings, emotions and heart cloud your better judgement. If he was single, then became your boyfriend, would you love those qualities? Cheater, liar, sex addict? NO respect for you or any other woman. I'm sure you'd RUN the other way if he treated you so badly and cheated on you. So, use realistic logic here. Your heart loves him and you're attached, too attached to your MM. THINK with your head, not your heart. The guy is married, a serial cheater, sex addict and uses women, has no respect, he puts himself first all the time. Ask yourself what it is you "love" about him? Or, is it really about YOU and how he makes you feel. How much of this is ego, affair addiction feelings, habit etc...Not real true love and genuine care for him. Be honest with yourself. 3
ConcreteHeart Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I was jealous on my exMMs wife too, and he hated the way my husband treated me, but what I realized is that we both created a spouse that was not real. We both made them sound like horrible people to get what we wanted from the other. The truth is that whatever he tells you about her, it's not the truth. Keep that in mind. I now feel sorry for her. She is in a loveless marriage. Not on her part, I'm sure she is trying, but he can't love anyone but himself... 2
ComingInHot Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 sarajames, please, PLEEEEASE don't be jealoys of His W!! You truly TRULY don't know him behind THEIR closed door. My H has shown his True colors ONLY to me and that was after he made it Very difficult for me to boot him out again. Sometimes I Dream that exOW would come back and "take him" from us. I'd pretend to put up a bit of a fuss so she could Feel like she won while secretly packing his stuff up to move things along. But I don't think I could live w/myself if I did that to another human being... You see, when My H is "good", he is very, Very good, but when he is bad he Is HORRID. Nobody gets to witness That side but me. 6
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 My MM is significantly older than me (more than 15 years older), he's a serial cheater, possibly a sex addict, clearly a liar, yet I can't help but feel jealous. I still have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm jealous of this woman who has this man who has no respect for her or their marriage. What the hell is wrong with me? There are certain qualities about him which I absolutely love, but none of them are great enough to tolerate being lied to, cheated on, betrayed, etc. Yet I still sit here picturing the two of them together, and how lucky she is to have him, yet how cursed she is to have him. My emotions are so twisted right now. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. You are not crazy, but there is some reason why his love is valuable to you. You need to figure out why. Sometimes we are attracted to people because they remind of us a person in the past, and we are subconsciously trying to resolve that past relationship. Many times it's an unavailable parent. Its a totally different person, but the dynamic reignites a very immature part of ourselves. Other times women have low self worth. They may be outwardly confident, successful, beautiful, driven...but the choices they make in their personal lives reflect that they don't value themselves much. They accept way less than what they deserve. They tolerate & accept too much. It could be an ego thing. You could be clinging to him because he choice to stay married makes you feel rejected. You want him to change his mind to stop those painful feelings of rejection. There is some reason why he is inspiring these feelings in you. Be introspective. Consider counseling. Love yourself, and protect yourself by staying out of situations that are hurting you. 1
ladydesigner Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 sarajames, please, PLEEEEASE don't be jealoys of His W!! You truly TRULY don't know him behind THEIR closed door. My H has shown his True colors ONLY to me and that was after he made it Very difficult for me to boot him out again. Sometimes I Dream that exOW would come back and "take him" from us. I'd pretend to put up a bit of a fuss so she could Feel like she won while secretly packing his stuff up to move things along. But I don't think I could live w/myself if I did that to another human being... You see, when My H is "good", he is very, Very good, but when he is bad he Is HORRID. Nobody gets to witness That side but me. OMG (((CIH))) I could have written your post. I've had the same dream and yet I would never want that dream to happen. 2
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 You are jealous because you love him, you see him as a prize, and because he is unattainable to you right now (at least in the way you would like to have him) he seems 1000 times more desirable to you than he would if he were single. I have thought about this after reading your reply. I must say, you are right. If he was single, and available, I would probably not think twice about being with him. As the saying goes, we always want what we can't have. Amazing how our own mind plays tricks on us.
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Just picture her sitting alone while he is out having sex with any number of women. Picture how hurt she is that he did it again, and she wonders why he can't be faithful, and what is wrong with her? Don't be jealous of her. Have pity on her. She's living in hell. She also loves him but he's slowly destroying her. You're probably jealous also because, while he's been with many women, he saw something in her worth marrying. He probably saw her weakness and that she'd put up with his cheating. Again, nothing to be jealous over. Thank you. You have no idea how much your reply has helped. I will keep reminding myself of everything you said.
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Familiar feeling... You're not crazy. You actually have the wisdom to understand your feelings are in the way of your vision of how things really are. It'll go away. Stay away from him! It's a tough battle, the one between ones heart and ones mind...
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Have you ever thought about exposing this prick to his wife? He deserves to be outted and she deserves to know what an ass she is married to. He has cheated on her before, got caught, and she forgave him. Have I thought about it? Sure I have. But it is not my place to get involved.
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 You're not crazy, you're just letting your feelings, emotions and heart cloud your better judgement. If he was single, then became your boyfriend, would you love those qualities? Cheater, liar, sex addict? NO respect for you or any other woman. I'm sure you'd RUN the other way if he treated you so badly and cheated on you. So, use realistic logic here. Your heart loves him and you're attached, too attached to your MM. THINK with your head, not your heart. The guy is married, a serial cheater, sex addict and uses women, has no respect, he puts himself first all the time. Ask yourself what it is you "love" about him? Or, is it really about YOU and how he makes you feel. How much of this is ego, affair addiction feelings, habit etc...Not real true love and genuine care for him. Be honest with yourself. You're absolutely right. I think it boils down to addiction and simply desiring what I cannot have...
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 sarajames, please, PLEEEEASE don't be jealoys of His W!! You truly TRULY don't know him behind THEIR closed door. My H has shown his True colors ONLY to me and that was after he made it Very difficult for me to boot him out again. Sometimes I Dream that exOW would come back and "take him" from us. I'd pretend to put up a bit of a fuss so she could Feel like she won while secretly packing his stuff up to move things along. But I don't think I could live w/myself if I did that to another human being... You see, when My H is "good", he is very, Very good, but when he is bad he Is HORRID. Nobody gets to witness That side but me. You are correct - I do not know what goes on behind their closed door. But, here is what I do know: I know he doesn't speak badly of her. In fact, he even told me he loves her, wants to be with her, still has sex with her, etc. What I don't know is why he cheats on her. What I don't know is why he wants to be with her, while cheating on her. And I suppose those are things I will never know.
Speakingofwhich Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Yeah, you rather make a fool of someone rather than someone make a fool of you. Do you really mean your words? I assume that the BW hurts a great deal and does not know the truth. But, at least she is an innocent bystander. THe OW is not an innocent bystander. Does that make a difference to you? Pierre, I didn't get from her post that she would rather make a fool of someone.
Speakingofwhich Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 You are correct - I do not know what goes on behind their closed door. But, here is what I do know: I know he doesn't speak badly of her. In fact, he even told me he loves her, wants to be with her, still has sex with her, etc. What I don't know is why he cheats on her. What I don't know is why he wants to be with her, while cheating on her. And I suppose those are things I will never know. Sarah, IMHO if he's telling you he loves her, wants to be with her and still has sex with her, yet cheats on her, the reason he's doing it is because he loves pleasing himself more than he loves pleasing her. Selfishness doesn't seem like a very appealing quality in a spouse to me. Sounds as if you're fortunate he hasn't left her for you!
GatsbyMH Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I am in a similar situation. I am jealous of the husband. What I'm slowly learning but it's really hard to accept is that most of the time, the time we think they are spending together is so rosy and intimate when it really isn't. We yearn for that connection we get when we are with them so we fully expect that if they are with someone else, someone else is getting that feeling of being special. Granted, my situation isn't nearly the same as yours. The underlying issues with jealousy seem to be always be the same. Jealousy is an absolutely irrational emotion. It makes us crazy for something that we shouldn't be crazy for.
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Sarah, IMHO if he's telling you he loves her, wants to be with her and still has sex with her, yet cheats on her, the reason he's doing it is because he loves pleasing himself more than he loves pleasing her. Selfishness doesn't seem like a very appealing quality in a spouse to me. Sounds as if you're fortunate he hasn't left her for you! I've thought of it that way - that's he's a selfish hedonist. But it never seemed like a "good enough" answer. It's crazy that someone could cheat on someone they claim they love, someone they claim is a great person, etc just because they're selfish. I was always trying to figure out what the REAL underlying cause is - ultimately assumed it was something within HIM, but something more than selfishness...
Author SarahJames Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I am in a similar situation. I am jealous of the husband. What I'm slowly learning but it's really hard to accept is that most of the time, the time we think they are spending together is so rosy and intimate when it really isn't. We yearn for that connection we get when we are with them so we fully expect that if they are with someone else, someone else is getting that feeling of being special. Granted, my situation isn't nearly the same as yours. The underlying issues with jealousy seem to be always be the same. Jealousy is an absolutely irrational emotion. It makes us crazy for something that we shouldn't be crazy for. I know what you mean. Whenever I picture them together, I picture hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, laughing etc. Never picture that it might be bland moments or arguing... But ultimately, the reality is: there also have to be times they spend together in which all those positive things I listed DO happen between them. Jealousy that they get to express those things openly and publicly...but are we really jealous that we're not married to these "men" who treat us this way? I'm just hoping to get away before it's too late.
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