Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Thank you for your perspective. This is exactly the kind of thing I came here for...so that people could share different experiences and sides of the story. However...can you not see it from my/her perspective at all? Put yourself in her shoes. I can put myself in her shoes and I can see it from the new girlfriend's perspective. The thing is, I think OP had no reason to be so uncomfortable to begin with. And this is why I share my perspective, because this is exactly what my ex's girlfriend thought of me - without ever talking to me. The first thing I did when I found out he had a new girlfriend is send my ex a message telling him how happy I was for him. He showed her the message. Still, this woman called me a whore on facebook and sent me messages telling me I was ugly. She tried to make mutual friends hate me etc etc etc But hey! I'm the ex so I'm necessarily the evil one. This is exactly what is going on with this post. ****load of projection. Have you tried seeing it from the boyfriend's perspective? How would you feel if you were forced to choose between two people you love? How would you feel if a close friend dumped you because the new girl is just threatened by your existence? If people are going to be so threatened by exes, then start dating virgins. From what I can see on this site, there are plenty of them at different ages.
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Yeah, I don't buy the whole "Oh I'm a people pleaser, I'm just trying to keep everyone happy". Nope, those who say this just never want to be seen as the bad guy. They do it for their own benefit, not for others. Sometimes in life, you have to let someone down and as a result possibly be thought badly of for a while. "People pleasers" can't bear the idea of not being loved by everyone all the time. He's going to have to upset one of you. The question he has to ask himself is - does he want to p!ss you off... or her? Actually, I do. My ex did the exact same thing. He didn't tell her we were hanging out, he didn't tell me they were hanging out. Not that I excuse his behaviour - not at all! but we all know that when men are stuck choosing between their heads and their penis, they get a little … confused. He is probably a little spineless too.
Mascara Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 start dating virgins. From what I can see on this site, there are plenty of them at different ages. . Haha, excellent. I disagree with you on the other points though. I choose not to be with people who maintain close relationships with exes. I can see how that come across as "giving an ultimatum", but it is one of the things I try to avoid.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 exes need to understand that they are no longer central to the man's life, accept contradiction and stop hanging around, exes have the least say in this, not the most, that's for sure, no longer central 1
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 East Coast : a lot of concerts' tickets come out months before the show actually happens. Sometime a year...
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Haha, excellent. I disagree with you on the other points though. I choose not to be with people who maintain close relationships with exes. I can see how that come across as "giving an ultimatum", but it is one of the things I try to avoid. I understand that. The thing is, when I start dating someone, I see no point in trying to change them or their relations. If the ex is there, she is there. If she isn't, she isn't. The only time I was uncomfortable because of an ex is because she refused to come over to his place or hang out with him if I was there. Personally, I think OP's behaviour was shady to begin with - but that's just me.
leftfordead2 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I understand that. The thing is, when I start dating someone, I see no point in trying to change them or their relations. If the ex is there, she is there. If she isn't, she isn't. The only time I was uncomfortable because of an ex is because she refused to come over to his place or hang out with him if I was there. Personally, I think OP's behaviour was shady to begin with - but that's just me. Uhh, how is the OP's behaviour shady?
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Uhh, how is the OP's behaviour shady? Perhaps I didn't choose the right term… But it was her who was uncomfortable at first. From what I can tell from her posts, she never even met the ex. I don't think she mentioned her boyfriend and the ex were hanging out just the two of them either. Always in groups. She said the ex was 'icy' and 'cold' towards her when she herself could have been 'cold' towards the ex - since she was so uncomfortable from the beginning (in psychology, it's called projection. A lot of people do this unconsciously) I just get the feeling she didn't go into this with an open mind - at least not as much as you would all like to think.
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I would like to add that, while it is normal to be uncomfortable with an exgirlfriend in the first months of a relationship, once you are 'basically engaged' with the guy and the ex is married - I think it shows at least a little immaturity and insecurities. But I get the sense I am older than OP so maybe in a few years, things will be different.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 @malfecience, you wrote "I think it shows at least a little immaturity and insecurities" how dare you insult the girlfriend? seriously, if I go the impression that you were so full of yourself in real life, I'd chuck a drink over you, srsly, go home you're soaking wet hahaha
Joaquin Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) The rights or wrongs of having an ex in your life or in the life of your significant other don't matter. Everyone has different views on it and it is a grey area. Personally, I don't like my gf to be going out of her way to hang out with or regularly communicate with guys she has ****ed before me. I can live with the odd xmas text or stuff like that and believe in total civility when the situation arises. That is my boundary and that is that. No further discussion. Cross it, and it's over. Now OPs bf WANTS his ex gf in his life, that is clear. He is going to have her in his life no matter what the OP wants, says or does, and this BF has shown he will lie and deceive in order to have this want met. OP. You either handle it and accept it as it is, or you move on. Otherwise you will be sleeping with one eye open for a long long time. Edited October 13, 2013 by Joaquin 2
leftfordead2 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I would like to add that, while it is normal to be uncomfortable with an exgirlfriend in the first months of a relationship, once you are 'basically engaged' with the guy and the ex is married - I think it shows at least a little immaturity and insecurities. But I get the sense I am older than OP so maybe in a few years, things will be different. Hmm, you wouldn't mind if your gf went out with his ex to a concert alone without telling you?
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 @malfecience, you wrote "I think it shows at least a little immaturity and insecurities" how dare you insult the girlfriend? seriously, if I go the impression that you were so full of yourself in real life, I'd chuck a drink over you, srsly, go home you're soaking wet hahaha How am I insulting OP? I said 'I think it shows immaturity and insecurities' I didn't say to OP 'YOU are insecure and immature' OP is free to wear the hat if it fits. How dare you assume I am so full of myself? I am bringing my perspective here. Just because it is different to yours doesn't give you the right to attack me like this.
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Hmm, you wouldn't mind if your gf went out with his ex to a concert alone without telling you? To be honest, I would show no animosity to the ex to begin with so my boyfriend would probably not feel the need to 'hide' the fact he is going to a concert with an ex. However, if he did lie about it, yes I would be pissed he lied. How does that discredit my initial opinion though?
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Malfiecient wrote > How am I insulting OP? I said 'I think it shows immaturity and insecurities' I didn't say to OP 'YOU are insecure and immature' OP is free to wear the hat if it fits. How dare you assume I am so full of myself? I am bringing my perspective here. Just because it is different to yours doesn't give you the right to attack me like this.[/QUOT I wrote in reply > not to wear the hat, thanks for the offer, but srsly, you do not know where to draw the line, your "perspective" is not central to anybody's life but your own, going anywhere near the words "immaturity" or insecure" is not your call at all as an ex, try "I must go" instead and stop digging your heels in over your presence, if the girlfriend does not want you around, it's no big deal - why do you make it one? Edited October 13, 2013 by darkmoon
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Where to draw the line? I don't know what the F is your problem, but it's my opinion, I am standing by it and last time I checked, I had a right to it. If it's different to yours and you can't stand it, it's not my problem.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Where to draw the line? I don't know what the F is your problem, but it's my opinion, I am standing by it and last time I checked, I had a right to it. If it's different to yours and you can't stand it, it's not my problem. I asked you a straight question, to which you have no answer, but this is no problem to me, don't worry, I'll just ask it again - if the girlfriend doesn't want you around, why is this a big deal? Edited October 13, 2013 by darkmoon
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I asked you a straight question, to which you have no answer, but this is no problem to me, don't worry, I'll just ask it again - if the girlfriend doesn't like you, why is this a big deal? Oh I'm sorry. I don't usually respond well to aggression and threats. But I do have an answer. If the girlfriend doesn't like me just because I am her boyfriend's ex, and because of that I love a long time friend who is dear to me, yes, it is a big deal. If the new girlfriend of an ex I haven't spoken to in years hates me, then no, it is no big deal. Not everything is black or white.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Oh I'm sorry. I don't usually respond well to aggression and threats. But I do have an answer. If the girlfriend doesn't like me just because I am her boyfriend's ex, and because of that I love a long time friend who is dear to me, yes, it is a big deal. If the new girlfriend of an ex I haven't spoken to in years hates me, then no, it is no big deal. Not everything is black or white. so everybody involved has to see if you are happy, as if the "dear-to-me" bond means anything to anybody else than you, c'mon - why do you expect anybody to put you first?
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 so everybody involved has to see if you are happy, as if the "dear-to-me" bond means anything to anybody else than you, c'mon - why do you expect anybody to put you first? LOL Oh, come on now, I did not say that. If you are only here to put people down, be my guest. I will not give you anymore attention.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) LOL Oh, come on now, I did not say that. If you are only here to put people down, be my guest. I will not give you anymore attention. I expect you're still there, okay, no put down, I never put you down, but you gave me no straight answer to this question, so I am still asking - why should anybody put you first? Edited October 13, 2013 by darkmoon
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I expect you're still there, okay, no put down, I never put you down, but you gave me no straight answer to this question, so I am still asking - why should anybody put you first? I never said anyone had to put me first.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) I never said anyone had to put me first. it's the dear-to-me bond that you see a reason that I object to, too soppy, you have no right to expect anybody else in the picture to care about your living-in-the-past feelings here, by definition an ex has used up her chances of being number one, yes indeed, you the ex here, no need for you to stay, unless the man sees you as his back-up so here you are definitely not required at this time Edited October 13, 2013 by darkmoon
Maleficent Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 it's the dear-to-me bond that you see a reason that I object to, too soppy, you have no right to expect anybody else in the picture to care about your living-in-the-past feelings here, by definition an ex has used up her chances of being number one, yes indeed, you are the ex here, like it or no I never said I should be number one either. Please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming you know better than me what is going on in my mind. I said I lost a dear friend and I was hurt - which is entirely normal. Had he been a 'non-ex' male friend and his girlfriend demanded that we stop talking, I would have been just as hurt. The fact we were exes was irrelevant to our friendship (at least for me) I understand why she demanded he cuts off contact and I understand why he did. But the end result is the same. I never gave him an ultimatum to choose me over her because I knew it was not my place. In the past, he was my ex. In the present (at the time) he was my friend. I don't see how I was living in the past.
darkmoon Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I never said I should be number one either. Please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming you know better than me what is going on in my mind. I said I lost a dear friend and I was hurt - which is entirely normal. Had he been a 'non-ex' male friend and his girlfriend demanded that we stop talking, I would have been just as hurt. The fact we were exes was irrelevant to our friendship (at least for me) I understand why she demanded he cuts off contact and I understand why he did. But the end result is the same. I never gave him an ultimatum to choose me over her because I knew it was not my place. In the past, he was my ex. In the present (at the time) he was my friend. I don't see how I was living in the past. because an ex is an ex, a blast from the past, and about the "at least for me" it's a telling phrase, telling me you carry nobody's baggage but your own because the relationship is actually over, you might want others in the situation to join you in your blasting from the past, but there is no guarantee of this, sorry
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