I put my foot down with his ex - am I in the right?

[loveleft]

Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I have had a bit of a turbulent time regarding his ex, and I'd like to get some other view points on the situation.

 

Background is kind of important to our story - we've been together for about two years. He is 32 and I am 25. Currently our relationship is great. We've recently moved in together and are now talking seriously about marriage and the future. However, since the beginning of our relationship, there's been an issue with his most recent ex. They were together for 6 years and broke up a year or so before he and I began dating. According to him the break was mutual - the spark had fizzled long before the end actually came, and neither saw or wanted a more serious future with the other.

 

It's worth mentioning that I've always made a point of not dating guys who are overly "friendly" with exes, as I see it as asking for drama and trouble. I'm a mature and level-headed person, so I am completely fine with cordial communication, especially when there are mutual friends involved. I don't expect ties to be completely cut. However, I feel that anything beyond the very occasional catching up text, or running into each other when hanging out with mutual friends, is inappropriate when one or both people have moved on to new relationships.

 

I briefly discussed this with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship - I have always been a "the past is the past" person, so I didn't need to know or ask about the details of his prior relationships. I just mentioned, during a conversation about relationships, that I personally wasn't in contact with any exes, as I found it a bit unnecessary and inappropriate. He countered saying that he was on good terms with his most recent, but that was it. "Good terms" is pretty vague, but the relationship was new, and I didn't want to dig too deep. So I (perhaps naively) assumed that it meant just that - on speaking terms, but no more.

 

A couple of months into our relationship, we were out at a concert, drinking and having a good time with a friend of his. The friend mentioned they were going to meet up with another friend at a nearby bar, and would we like to join? My boyfriend pulled me aside and explained that the other friend was actually his ex. He asked if I would be comfortable going, and I told him flat out I felt a bit uneasy about it. Especially since we had been drinking, and I didn't want to make a poor impression by meeting her for the first time when I'm drunk. But we talked it over and eventually I agreed to go, with the pretense that we could leave if I felt uncomfortable.

 

Well, surprise surprise, it was pretty uncomfortable. My memory of the details is a tad hazy, but to my recollection, I tried to be pretty laid back about everything and just make typical small talk. I'm in customer service, so this is actually something I'm pretty good at. She acted very cold to me though, and I felt there was really nothing I could say or do to make her loosen up. And heck, why was it my job to try? Eventually we left and I just felt really weird about the whole thing.

 

After this she really never came up again, but I would notice that she would often text my boyfriend. But nothing really big happened until one evening 6 months or so into our relationship. We had been communicating throughout the day via text, but after 8PM or so he just fell off the face of the earth. I sent him a couple texts but stopped at that, not wanting to look needy. Finally he texted me around midnight that he had fallen asleep on the couch. No big deal.

 

Until the next day when a friend of mine mentions she saw him at a concert the night before, and wondered why I didn't go. I was able to piece things together pretty instantly and called him and asked for an explanation. Well, he went to the concert with the ex. He hadn't fallen asleep - he was out with her. He made up all sorts of excuses - they bought the tickets before he and I were together; he knew I "felt uncomfortable around her" (huh? It seemed more like she was uncomfortable around me), he knew I'd be upset so he foolishly chose to lie rather than rock the boat...the list goes on. He admitted fully that he had made a mistake, but he didn't seem to really understand why it was wrong or why I was hurt.

 

This event prompted a discussion that revealed that they were definitely more than on "good terms," and although they had both moved on to new relationships, they still meant a lot to each other. I told him that that went against the way I felt about exes in relationships - which I disclosed to him from the start - and that I felt very deceived.

 

Over the course of the following 6 months the problem continued. I knew he was still hanging out with her and just not telling me. I knew they talked on the phone at least a couple of times per week. I knew they texted. I had just given up, in a way. I don't know why. I guess I chose to believe that nothing inappropriate was going on between them and to pick my battles wisely. All of this combined with other factors eventually led to us breaking up for a period of about three months.

 

When we got back together (initiated by him), I told him this was one thing that we had to clear up if we were going to move forward. And if he was going to maintain any sort of relationship with her, I needed to be involved. No exceptions. No one-on-one hang-outs, no lying, no BS. He agreed, under the pretense of "I'll do anything to make our relationship work." So a few months after we got back together, it happened that my boyfriend and I were going to be attending the same event as his ex and her husband, so he asked if I would be open to meeting them for a drink before hand. I said sure. It was almost a carbon-copy repeat of the first time we met years ago. I put on my best smile, made conversation, laughed at jokes. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me or acknowledge my presence beyond saying "hi" when we first arrived. After that, it was tunnel vision for her, like she couldn't even see that I was there. She was just talking and laughing exclusively with my boyfriend - in fact, I could tell that even her husband felt a bit weird. My boyfriend even kept bringing me into their conversation, but as soon as I would start talking, it was as if she completely lost interest in the topic. I ended up just making light chit-chat with her husband to diffuse the situation, while she ignored us both and just seemed completely fixated on my boyfriend.

 

I played it cool for the remainder of the night, but told my boyfriend that I felt she was very icy toward me, and asked if I had done or said something wrong. He said he wasn't quite sure what was up, but not to worry about it.

 

After this last meeting, their friendship seemed to wane and I noticed that while she was still texting him and calling him, he often wasn't responding. Since our getting back together, he's been so incredibly dedicated to making our relationship strong, that I haven't even worried about it. She is married, we will probably be married in the not so distant future...I thought, hm, maybe everyone is just moving on with their lives.

 

So a few months ago (before we had moved in together), I was using my boyfriend's computer to check my e-mail. I do this often and he knows and is fine with it. We both use Gmail, so a lot of times when I go to Gmail.com, he is still logged in. I've never been a "snooper" and typically I just log him out right away, but the first e-mail at the top of the page was from her, and it was titled "Our Unhappy Ending." Criticize me for snooping all you like, but I implore you to put yourself in my shoes and honestly say you wouldn't have snuck a peek at that e-mail.

 

And so I did. And what I saw was first an e-mail from him, saying that while he valued her and cared about her, that he was really focused on his relationship with me, and that he wanted to make sure I was his number one priority. Therefore, he'd appreciate it if they could keep their contact minimal. For the record, I had no idea he wrote this e-mail, and he never told me he wrote it, so he definitely didn't do it just to pacify me.

 

Her reply to the e-mail completely protested his request. She explained how he was one of her most valued friends and she thought he felt the same way. She then went on to say some not so nice things about me, including an implication that I must have forced him to write this because I am so insecure. She then went on to say that while she may make "remarks" about me, she says them in jest, and is glad that he's happy. Then several paragraphs talking about their history and why he's crazy to "throw it all away." He never responded, so I wasn't sure how they left things. I chose to believe that he stood by his initial e-mail and was planning on cutting off most communication with her. Again - this is not something I asked him or instructed him to do, but after a couple of failed attempts at becoming friendly with her and seeming like it was pointless, I had hoped that this was a step he would take on his own. So I was happy to see that he had.

 

I didn't tell him I saw this e-mail until last night. We were at the bar and his phone was going off - messages from her. Just chit-chatty stuff, photos, etc...but clearly not the kind of correspondence I thought they'd be having after the e-mail I saw.

 

At this point, this was kind of the last straw for me. I had remained cool, calm, and collected about the situation for over two years up until this point...but last night, something totally went off on me. And when we got home, I blew up. I told him he's done nothing but deceive me about this whole situation from the beginning, and that the message I've gotten loud and clear, was that her feelings were more important than mine. I told him I had seen the e-mail, and I asked what happened between "I'd like to reduce communication with you drastically so that I can focus on my relationship" and chit-chatty text messages at 12:00 at night. I also asked why on earth he would stand by and let her make digs on me, or imply that I made him write that initial e-mail...couldn't he at least stand up for me?

 

He explained that she feels our relationship is an unflattering commentary on her. I'm 8 years younger than her, so she feels that I am "naive," "insecure," and that she is the "wiser" one and knows better. But he alluded that all that was just a bit of a cover up for a deeper issue - she had wanted serious commitment from him, but he played the part of the "commitment phobe" and that eventually caused them to separate. Now here he is three years later, living with and practically engaged to a woman 8 years younger than her. She feels insulted.

 

My take - that's her problem. I have done everything under the sun on the occasions that we've met to make her feel comfortable and to try and get along. Honestly, I feel that I have acted like the "older, wiser" one by being the bigger person, while she has acted like a petulant, jealous teenager. And the fact that she is blatantly disrespecting our relationship by refuting and ignoring my boyfriend's request to sever communication is a slap in the face to me.

 

So I'm done. I told my boyfriend I'm finished with the whole thing - I'm finished trying to be friends with her, and I'm finished worrying about their relationship. I didn't issue an ultimatum, because before I could, he said "I've handled this horribly. I just need to put my foot down and tell her it's done. That I have other things to focus on right now. And then just leave it at that." I said I agreed, and that after seeing the nasty things she said about me in the e-mail (and by the way, up until this point, I had never made even the most light-hearted of digs against her in any way. The most I had done was mention that she was icy with me when we had met. But I had never said anything derogatory or spiteful about her as a person.), there was no way I could be okay with them remaining friends. It was just too hurtful. And all the lies and deception in the past have added up and created so much hurt...I don't know if it can all be undone at this point.

 

So I guess my question is - am I in the right to expect that this ends now? Am I in the right to be upset and angry? Am I in the right for putting my foot down and saying that I won't put up with this crap anymore?

 

Or am I just, in fact, insecure?

 

Wow, that was long. If you read all of it, I thank you graciously. I just felt like all the background info was important. So again, if you read this, thank you...truly. I look forward to your advice.

[Philosoraptor]

You were uncomfortable with this for years and you shouldn't have let it go on that long. But now his "foot" is down so all of that is irrelevant.

 

I'd wouldn't be overly optimistic that he is going to follow through with this. He's already shown he is willing to go to great lengths to deceive you then work you over with smooth talk.

 

You've seen it the whole time though, you realize they have a very overly attached dynamic for two people in different relationships. He feels the need to sneak around and hide things from you, validates his connection with her to you, but doesn't defend you when she beats you down? As I said, I wouldn't be overly optimistic.

[mercuryshadow]

Whatever second guesses you are making about yourself, throw them out. You are NOT "overly insecure". You are 100% within your rights to feel the way you do. We all own our emotions, rational or not, but from where I sit, you definitely demonstrate that you are a level headed, rational woman.

 

Your bf's relationship with his ex was, from the start of yours, completely inappropriate. I do think there may be rare occasions where exes can remain platonic friends, but platonic was clearly not the case, as evidence has shown. You are giving him yet another chance to make things right, and it appears to be the third. I truly hope you make it the final one. He may be coming from a place of compassion toward his ex and her feelings, but if he doesn't want to lose you, it's your feelings that need to take #1 priority. Perhaps if he had handled things differently from the get-go, he wouldn't need to cut all contact with her, but at this point, I honestly see no alternative. Damage control time.

[loveleft]

You were uncomfortable with this for years and you shouldn't have let it go on that long. But now his "foot" is down so all of that is irrelevant.

 

I'd wouldn't be overly optimistic that he is going to follow through with this. He's already shown he is willing to go to great lengths to deceive you then work you over with smooth talk.

 

You've seen it the whole time though, you realize they have a very overly attached dynamic for two people in different relationships. He feels the need to sneak around and hide things from you, validates his connection with her to you, but doesn't defend you when she beats you down? As I said, I wouldn't be overly optimistic.

 

I know. I'm trying to be realistic about it. At the same time, I won't hesitate to leave if this continues.

 

I have no idea why I've let it go on for so long, and I should have made a more decisive, aggressive insistence for this a long time ago.

 

Whatever second guesses you are making about yourself, throw them out. You are NOT "overly insecure". You are 100% within your rights to feel the way you do. We all own our emotions, rational or not, but from where I sit, you definitely demonstrate that you are a level headed, rational woman.

 

Your bf's relationship with his ex was, from the start of yours, completely inappropriate. I do think there may be rare occasions where exes can remain platonic friends, but platonic was clearly not the case, as evidence has shown. You are giving him yet another chance to make things right, and it appears to be the third. I truly hope you make it the final one. He may be coming from a place of compassion toward his ex and her feelings, but if he doesn't want to lose you, it's your feelings that need to take #1 priority. Perhaps if he had handled things differently from the get-go, he wouldn't need to cut all contact with her, but at this point, I honestly see no alternative. Damage control time.

 

Thank you. Honestly, I really needed to hear that I'm not totally crazy in thinking this whole thing is grossly inappropriate. The way they've acted, sometimes I feel like I'm the weirdo for not being besties with my ex. Luckily I know better. But thanks for reaffirming that.

[serial muse]

Honestly, I really needed to hear that I'm not totally crazy in thinking this whole thing is grossly inappropriate. The way they've acted, sometimes I feel like I'm the weirdo for not being besties with my ex.

 

I think that people legitimately fall all over the spectrum in this (I happen to be in full agreement with you - I'm a "the-past-is-the-past" sort of person too), and I don't think being friends with an ex is necessarily nefarious. Sometimes people are really just able to compartmentalize and/or move on, or enough time has passed that the feelings are long gone.

 

But that assumes true friendship, meaning that nobody's got an ulterior motive or jealousy or insecurity or whatever. Thus, if she's bad-mouthing you, and she's feeling insecure about you, and he knows all this, then there's no ambiguity there at all, IMO - the line has been crossed. She's not a friend of the relationship.

[tlegend]

You are not insecure.

 

If anything, you are extremely level headed and extremely patient. 2 years? I would have given up after the rock concert thing. I don't have time in my life to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same values and beliefs, and you shouldn't lower your standards to "settle" with this guy.

 

My take on things:

 

In the beginning, you would not accept this behavior.

Over time, you have become increasingly accepting of the situation, while only hurting yourself further.

It has been so long that the "norm" of this relationship is skewed. This is unacceptable behavior, and if that is what you want in your relationships and out of your partners, then sure, work things out.

 

Friendships with exes is completely possible. Some people are able to do it. However, if that person is toxic to your relationship, disrespecting you and your feelings, and is overall no benefit to your significant other, then the friendship is doomed.

[Phantom888]

What he wrote recently via email should have been initiated 2 years ago. The fact that he lied and kept her in his life was plain inconsiderate and wrong. He should have ended ALL contacts the moment you 2 started getting serious.

 

This happened to me at the beginning of my current relationship. My woman was in contact with her ex, and he kept insisting that they should keep contact because they have history. My woman was honest about it, and told me right when it happened. She doesn't believe such a friend would be good in our relationship, because he is toxic, and isn't a true friend. Without my asking, she gave him a final good bye, and requests no contact again. I really appreciate her consideration for me. That's the way it should be approached!!!

[deathandtaxes]

You stuck with him after he effin lied to you about going out to a concert with his ex? Holy ****ing ****!

[TB Rhine]

Without the deceitful night out at the (second) concert, I would say you were inebriated and already uncomfortable/prone to reading some negativity into the situation with his ex, and your perceptions of her feelings toward you might well have been entirely in your own head. That aside, however, your boy has broken one of the cardinal rules of relationshiphood, which I would summarize thusly:

 

"Thou shalt not lie to or deceive thy significant other about the nature of thine relationship with a member of the opposite sex (or thy preferred sex, if thine rolls that way), who is not related to thee by blood; nor about the nature or substance of thine interactions with that personage, to hold true most especially in circumstances where thine opposite-sex acquaintance is himself a former significant other."

 

In layman's terms... dump him.

[Mascara]

I can't be doing with all this nonsense about everyone staying friends. Some people need to let go of their fixation on maintaining relationships at all costs. I've stayed friendly with ALL of my exes, but I'm friends with NONE of them. Which means that we didn't part badly, and I'll say a friendly hello if I see them.

 

I would not expect a man to put up with me being good friends with an ex. I do have quite a few male friends, but any man I date can be assured that I don't hang out with anyone I've been intimate with. I prefer the same in return, (although sometimes I haven't followed my own advice, and I've tolerated things I didn't want to)

[Janesays]

I don't allow my man to go on dates with other women (that rock concert was a date), period, let alone sneak off with an ex.

 

Honestly, I would have kicked this clown to curb years ago. The fact that you're still there at all says you have the patience of ghandi.

 

Personally, I'd dump him. He has already shown that he's willing to sneak around behind your back and allow another woman to disrespect you and his relationship. I highly doubt he's suddenly going to become loyal now.

 

If you do want to work it out, an 'me or her' ultimatum is not out of line. I wouldn't even stand for allowing them to remain Facebook friends.

 

Gah, you're 25 and sound like a level headed girl! Why settle for this guy? You can do better!

[WhiteButton]

I think you let this thing ride for to long. I was in a slimier situation as you where my girl wanted to talk to her ex and i ended up getting hurt at the end. That was a learning experience and with all the girls i have been since, i make it clear up front no contact with ex if you are going to be with me. Take it or leave it.

[FitChick]

I feel sorry for her husband. If I were in your shoes, at your last double date I'd have said, "Can't you keep your wife under control?" or "I think she wants to have a threesome." Make trouble for her. Let the **** hit the fan. I'd probably have forwarded her emails to her husband. Let him handle her. Both of these men sound like pu$$ies.

 

Meanwhile your boyfriend sounds like a people pleaser. Wants everyone to like him.

[loveleft]

Wow, thank you for all the input guys. I really appreciate it.

 

I agree that I let it go on for far too long, as most of you had mentioned. But I convinced myself that I could be okay with it...when in reality, the first lie should have been the deal-breaker. Reading my own post, I know that if I was on the outside looking in, I'd say "Girl, what are you thinking? Dump the chump."

 

Without the deceitful night out at the (second) concert, I would say you were inebriated and already uncomfortable/prone to reading some negativity into the situation with his ex, and your perceptions of her feelings toward you might well have been entirely in your own head.

 

I agree, and that is part of the reason why I gave her the benefit of the doubt for so long. I was aware of my intoxication and therefore realized that I may have misread the situation completely. However, the second time I met her was exactly the same - actually, it was worse - and I was nowhere near inebriated. I was sober when we arrived at the venue and had one drink during the meeting with them. So I'm inclined to believe that my perception of the first meeting was, in fact, somewhat accurate. But who really knows.

 

I don't allow my man to go on dates with other women (that rock concert was a date), period, let alone sneak off with an ex.

 

Honestly, I would have kicked this clown to curb years ago. The fact that you're still there at all says you have the patience of ghandi.

 

Personally, I'd dump him. He has already shown that he's willing to sneak around behind your back and allow another woman to disrespect you and his relationship. I highly doubt he's suddenly going to become loyal now.

 

If you do want to work it out, an 'me or her' ultimatum is not out of line. I wouldn't even stand for allowing them to remain Facebook friends.

 

Gah, you're 25 and sound like a level headed girl! Why settle for this guy? You can do better!

 

Anything I'm going to say is going to sound silly. I agree that I've put up with too much for too long. But to try to explain my side a bit better - we have more in common, more emotional and intellectual chemistry, and more mutual physical attraction than any relationship I've ever had. We're remarkably compatible on those fronts. I've never been with someone that has shared so many of my interests, has been so fun and stimulating to talk to, so funny and charismatic, AND that I am actually attracted to. When we first met, I felt like I had won the lottery.

 

But I agree that all that is moot if I can't trust him.

 

I feel sorry for her husband. If I were in your shoes, at your last double date I'd have said, "Can't you keep your wife under control?" or "I think she wants to have a threesome." Make trouble for her. Let the **** hit the fan. I'd probably have forwarded her emails to her husband. Let him handle her. Both of these men sound like pu$$ies.

 

Meanwhile your boyfriend sounds like a people pleaser. Wants everyone to like him.

 

Bingo. You hit the nail on the head. He is absolutely a people-pleaser...he has admitted as much, and is this way personally and professionally. He doesn't want anyone to be upset with or mad at him. He hates the notion of any "bad blood." And it's a serious problem. Because there are certain people that you have to be able to say, "You know what? F*** it." when it comes to what they think.

 

As for her husband, I have no idea what the situation is like there. Maybe he's okay with it. He certainly knows that they have a relationship. But I really don't know anything about their marriage or relationship so I can't really comment on that.

[todreaminblue]

no you are not unreasonable in your requests.......it doesnt matter who i solder she is actually acting pretty immature to diss a relationship he i sin...to em that istn friendship and reeks of ulterior motives....

 

 

 

i am friends with my ex and unlike your bfs ex ......i feel he would not or could not or should not disrespect a relationship i ever get into because he himself gets that respect from me as well as his new partner gets courtesy and respect from me, even though he had an affair with her while still with me, i have shown them both respect when i speak to them adn how i tell my girls to treat her and theri father even with resentment they hold.........

 

 

 

you should be first priority.......your happiness should be first priority to your partner

 

 

exes made their choices they are exes now for a reason and they need to back off........she has ulterior motives she undermines you ....resents your age(what is that?) my ex knows i have interest in a guy he is actually younger......he said that i should follow my heart.......he actually doesn ttalk like this to anyone else but me because he speaks to me they way i speak ...he shows me respect and respects my choices........that is why i can be friends with him...by phone this is..as soon as that respect changes i cant......if he disrespected soemoen i was with ....it would change also......dont think he would.....

 

 

 

if i had a partner who said this makes me uncomfortable you having phone contact with yoru ex all the time, i would try to do what i could to change those uncomfortable vibes by telling him what my ex and i talked about, by being honest and open, forthright no hidden facts or conversations.........if he was still uncomfortable even when i would let him speak to my ex, hear my conversations read the texts.....then....out of all respect for the person i am with.....i would keep the phone calls to a minimum...i cant cut my ex out completely we have three girls together unlike you who can ask for no contact.. i would hope any partner i have would see that...he is also with someone else i talk to her too now.........i would not discuss a current intimate relationship with my ex or let him influence it...thats just not right.he doesnt discuss intimate details with me about his current partner either...in the past i did consider winnign back my ex......i am however ....and was....single...but my ex wasnt and my morals kicked in........deb

Edited October 11, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Maleficent]

I just have one question…

 

You have been together for two years and she is married.

 

Exactly what are you worried about?

[loveleft]

I just have one question…

 

You have been together for two years and she is married.

 

Exactly what are you worried about?

 

I guess I feel like it's an unhealthy level of attachment for two people who have supposedly moved on. It violates my personal boundaries and, in my opinion, has gotten to the point of being disrespectful to our relationship. Am I worried he's going to cheat? No, not really. But I kinda feel like multiple lines have been crossed - especially when I found out that she routinely spoke poorly of me to him for no good reason.

 

Also, she cheated on my BF multiple times when they were together. So the fact that she's married isn't very consoling. She's obviously okay with going outside of her relationship for attention (or more) when she feels she needs it.

[Maleficent]

I will answer here, because I have the perspective of the ex.

 

We were together for 3 years - on and off. When we broke up, it was mutual. It just did not work - we tried everything we could think of

 

While we didn't keep close contact after that, we had friends in common and he had a new girlfriend about three months after our breakup. She hated that we were still in the same circle of friends.

 

I never cared much because my ex and I were not close. But once, while they were broken up, he contacted me and we ended up spending a lot of time together.

Getting back together was never an option and we didn't even sleep together for sexual relief of whatever. But this was a man I once love with all my heart. A man who had seen the best and the worst of me and with whom I felt comfortable to talk about anything. I still loved him dearly - in a very platonic way.

 

They ended up getting back together and she demanded that we no longer see each other.

 

While I completely understand his decision, I was also heartbroken.

Getting dumped by a dear friend is just as hard, if not harder than getting dumped by a lover.

 

Even though, when they first met, I was very happy for him, I now find myself secretly hoping they would break up. Not because I want to get back together with him. But I miss my friend and she has taken him away from me.

 

I am not in a position to judge your situation. But hopefully this gives you a different perspective.

[Maleficent]

I guess I feel like it's an unhealthy level of attachment for two people who have supposedly moved on. It violates my personal boundaries and, in my opinion, has gotten to the point of being disrespectful to our relationship. Am I worried he's going to cheat? No, not really. But I kinda feel like multiple lines have been crossed - especially when I found out that she routinely spoke poorly of me to him for no good reason.

 

Also, she cheated on my BF multiple times when they were together. So the fact that she's married isn't very consoling. She's obviously okay with going outside of her relationship for attention (or more) when she feels she needs it.

 

I completely understand.

[lollipopspot]

I didn't like the first part of your post. I think exes can be friends - in fact I think it's a very GOOD sign if people can part amicably and remain friends - and there doesn't have to be any kind of jealousy or possessiveness. I am good friends with one of my exes and I'd find it pretty lousy if a new partner made him stop seeing me. There will never again be anything romantic between me and my ex, and I want him to find someone great to be with.

 

However, in your specific circumstances, when the ex is downgrading you and coming between you, then I agree with you, and think it's fine for you to ask him to cut ties.

 

He handled it terribly by lying to you about the concert, but the fact that he sent the email to her on his own is a good sign.

 

I wonder if part of why he felt he had to be so secretive is that you made it clear that you really weren't comfortable with your partner being friendly with any ex, regardless of the circumstance?

[Eleanore]

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

 

Other folks have said a lot of good things that I won't rehash.

 

But you did say something in your most recent followup that struck me.

 

we have more in common, more emotional and intellectual chemistry, and more mutual physical attraction than any relationship I've ever had. We're remarkably compatible on those fronts. I've never been with someone that has shared so many of my interests, has been so fun and stimulating to talk to, so funny and charismatic, AND that I am actually attracted to. When we first met, I felt like I had won the lottery.

 

But I agree that all that is moot if I can't trust him.

 

 

I've gone through this line of thinking about guys in my past too. I guess you could say I employed a strategy of "weighing the good against the bad." Good: we have chemistry, we have a lot in common, he's intellectually stimulating. Bad: he's sometimes untrustworthy and disrespectful.

 

Thing is, that's kind of like comparing apples and oranges. There are a lot of components to a good relationship, but not all are "created equal," so to speak.

 

Character is the heart of any good relationship. Is the person trustworthy? Fair? Caring? Responsible? Respectful?

 

If any of those things are missing, watch out. There's almost no way that a relationship with such a person can NOT be full of turmoil and emotional landmines. And that's not something you can fix. Character (whether bad or good) is something that is deeply ingrained over a long period of time. People of weak character are extremely unlikely to change.

 

Chemistry and having things in common are very important too, obviously. I haven't found my Mr. Right yet either, and you can bet I'm looking for the "whole package!" But character issues are automatic dealbreakers, while the other stuff can be developed and worked on.

 

It's just hard when you've spent so much time with someone. I was in a similar situation with a guy for almost two years. The breakup was rough, but I became so much better at discerning character as a result of it, and I've never wasted that much time with a guy again.

 

I'll say a quick prayer for strength for you now. Good luck, and please let us know how it turns out!

[Joaquin]

I'd have ended it at the point when I found out he was lying and sneaking about with an ex behind your back. That kinda thing is quite serious and points to a world of hurt.

 

The guy is a sneak. A liar. And someone who has shown he doesn't intend to prioritise you. That is bad.

Edited October 12, 2013 by Joaquin

[loveleft]

I wonder if part of why he felt he had to be so secretive is that you made it clear that you really weren't comfortable with your partner being friendly with any ex, regardless of the circumstance?

 

Of course it is. But in that case, the correct course of action would have been to discuss it with me and find out where my boundaries lie; not be deceitful about it.

[loveleft]

I will answer here, because I have the perspective of the ex.

 

We were together for 3 years - on and off. When we broke up, it was mutual. It just did not work - we tried everything we could think of

 

While we didn't keep close contact after that, we had friends in common and he had a new girlfriend about three months after our breakup. She hated that we were still in the same circle of friends.

 

I never cared much because my ex and I were not close. But once, while they were broken up, he contacted me and we ended up spending a lot of time together.

Getting back together was never an option and we didn't even sleep together for sexual relief of whatever. But this was a man I once love with all my heart. A man who had seen the best and the worst of me and with whom I felt comfortable to talk about anything. I still loved him dearly - in a very platonic way.

 

They ended up getting back together and she demanded that we no longer see each other.

 

While I completely understand his decision, I was also heartbroken.

Getting dumped by a dear friend is just as hard, if not harder than getting dumped by a lover.

 

Even though, when they first met, I was very happy for him, I now find myself secretly hoping they would break up. Not because I want to get back together with him. But I miss my friend and she has taken him away from me.

 

I am not in a position to judge your situation. But hopefully this gives you a different perspective.

 

Thank you for your perspective. This is exactly the kind of thing I came here for...so that people could share different experiences and sides of the story.

 

However...can you not see it from my/her perspective at all? Put yourself in her shoes.

[Mascara]

Yeah, I don't buy the whole "Oh I'm a people pleaser, I'm just trying to keep everyone happy".

 

Nope, those who say this just never want to be seen as the bad guy. They do it for their own benefit, not for others. Sometimes in life, you have to let someone down and as a result possibly be thought badly of for a while. "People pleasers" can't bear the idea of not being loved by everyone all the time.

 

He's going to have to upset one of you. The question he has to ask himself is - does he want to p!ss you off... or her?