barbossa Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Recently My mom has expressed how my ex girlfriend was sweeter, more caring (towards her) and closer to her. My ex and current girl friend are the same ethnicity, same age, my current girlfriend is closer to her own family than my ex was if that helps? I dated both my ex and current gf for about same amount of time now I asked both my ex and current gf to warmly greet my mom, hug her actually say goodbye instead of just leaving etc. my ex would share things with my mom that she wouldn't tell me, go for lunch without me etc. my current gf its is a chore to try to get her closer to my mom My current gf is potentially marriage (as i thought my ex was) material but I prefer if she can at least "act the part" of being closer to my mom even if she does not feel closer to her ( as i pretend to like her bff) my female friends are close to my mom and I personally don't think my mom is at fault for the lack of closeness ( due to other girls being close with her) i could be wrong of course. So i have communicated with my gf several times about this issue, what else can i do? Insight?
Standard-Fare Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You can't force this stuff. It has to happen organically. If you put extra pressure and tension on the situation, it will only make things worse. In my opinion you have some high demands for your current GF, expecting her to fill the shoes of your ex and become fast chums with your mom. That's simply not fair. Also, maybe your mother is in some way to blame for preventing them from getting close, i.e. sending off chilly vibes because she prefers your ex. Tell your mom to chill out and loosen her expectations. She's not going to get an exact replica of your ex. Then just sit back and let the two of them develop their relationship more naturally. 2
Bubberfly Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You can't force people to love your mom like you do. Just because your gf isn't touchy touchy with your mother doesn't mean that she can't have a great relationship with her. Would this be a deal breaker if she wasn't best friends with her after a couple years? Ever? That's something that you need to think about. I personally, am never overly chummy with my SOs family. That's just my personality. Doesn't matter how long I'm with the guy. I treat his family like extended family (like my uncle I'm not super close to but am still polite with). This has cause problems in the past. So you need to imagine yourself 15 years from now with your gf (or wife) behaving the same way. If this bothers you, you need to pull the plug NOW. Or this will only cause large issues in the future. 2
veggirl Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 uh seriously, you tell girls that they have to hug your mom? After how many meetings? I mean how long have you dated these girls / how many times have they met your mom before they are required to hug her? You know some people take longer to warm up to new people. Your gf probably feels awkward as fk that you are forcing her to try to be BFF with your mom. Why is it so important that they be so close? I mean I want my family to like my partner, of course, but being besties and going to lunch alone? That is over the top and is NOT something that most people do with their boyfriends mom! Are you a mama's boy? Your friends go to lunch with your mom? This is strange. How old are you? I would find it kind of creepy if my bf was insisting I be super close to his mom. I am shy at first and I take a LONG time to get to know people. Maybe your gf is the same. Again, why is it not enough that they get along? Why do you require this weird mom-and-gf-are-besties thing? 2
MrCastle Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Why is it so important that she befriend your mom? I would date people regardless of what my family thought simply because it's my life, my decision, and the importance is on our personal chemistry. If we have good chemistry, outside opinions play no role. 1
heartshaped Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I'm just going to come out and say it. She's your mother. Not your girlfriend's mother. I couldn't imagine being that close with my boyfriend's mother. I cannot even imagine being that close with my husband's mother if I ever marry. Honestly, I think your ex was just compensating for not being close with her own family. Most women are not looking to date your mother...they want to date you. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 My current gf is potentially marriage (as i thought my ex was) material but I prefer if she can at least "act the part" of being closer to my mom even if she does not feel closer to her ( as i pretend to like her bff) Playing insincere roles in life is a waste of time. Why fake your way through it? I agree you sound like a mama's boy. Are you also going to go get a beer and go fishing with her dad every weekend?
todreaminblue Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 i have always been able to develop relationships that were close and beautiful with parents of partners and even friends parents i have had......these have taken time though.....observing etiquette practiced, how that person is, what they like what they dont like, hwo they react to certain topics or things, listening and being genuinely interested when they speak...and then building a relationship with anyone is a process from there...... i have never had force or pressure to do this it comes naturally when i do it at my own speed my own way...i give hugs and kisses on the cheek...but i am not touchy feely at all......my exes mum is south african she will at times give kisses on the lips..........pecks that is.......it took a while for me to get used to this.and we were extremely close..i only have ever let partners kiss my lips so that took a lot of time to deal with hwo i felt about that ....you cant be forced you cant be pressured to build on something that doesnt exist..or to liek soemoen adn hug them when you dotn feel the want to do that...no materials to build with so no construction takes place.... let your gf and your mum get to know each other and build from there...no time limits ...no expectations .....just let it be and take it easy you and both of them.....then it will grow....deb
Keenly Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 The relationship between spouse and parent is only relevant if you care about it. Your mom does not have a say in your girlfriends or their interactions.
tinktronik Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 If you're a grown man with a partner it's time to start worrying about building your life for yourself and not what your mother finds appealing/unappealing. Straight up... if your mother is making comparisons between your ex and current GF then she is just starting trouble, and will always make trouble in your relationships. If you decide to marry this current GF and your mother has dug herself enough of a hole how exactly an you expect your GF/wife to allow your mother to meddle in her marriage by whispering things in your ear? You need to make it clear to your mother that your relationship choices are yours and not made for her in any way. You are the adult in the relationship and it is your responsibility to decide if your life as a man is more important than your life as your mother's little boy. 1
Copelandsanity Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I think people are just wired differently when it comes to this issue. I personally never cared if my ex-wife was friends with any of my friends or family. It wasn't a big deal to me because you can't force people to have relationships with others; it happens in a natural or organic fashion. But one of the things that my ex disliked about me was the fact that I didn't have relationships with any of her friends or family. She would always say: "When you marry someone, you also marry their family." I didn't act rude to anyone and they all actually liked me, but I did not want to or be forced to become friends with any of them. I am extremely picky with who I want to spend time with and I feel like any kind of successful relationship relies on a natural chemistry that just cannot be coerced.
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