Break Up- GIGS?

[Anethen]

About 6 weeks ago, my bf of 2.5 years broke up with me. It was very sudden and a complete shock to me. We have been together since freshman yr of college and he ended things on the second week of our senior yr. We just had a wonderful summer together, even went on vacation together with his family- things couldn't have been better, our relationship was on a high note. We have always talked about the future (marriage, kids, even starting a business together). We were best friends and were truly in love and we were always there for each other- a 100% healthy relationship.

 

When he broke up, he said he felt like something was missing, that he needed to be single for a while this semester, that he needed to grow up, enjoy senior yr, figure out where he stands in life. I was obviously upset when he told me, but he broke up with me once before about 2 yrs ago. We were broken up for a week, but he regretted it completely and said it was the stupidest thing he ever did so we got back together and have been strong since. I thought this time was going to be the same- I thought he was just having a freak out moment and that we would be back together soon. But here we are, six weeks later.

 

Three weeks after the break up, I decide to text him about our relationship. (we never really talked about our relationship until then. In class we would talk about what was going on with our lives and outside of class we only really talked about schoolwork). I talked about what I though went wrong, I said we kind of lost our individuality and just got too absorbed and needed to spend more time with friends alone, etc. I didn't expect him to text back but he said he was glad to hear that and then he told me he want to a football game with a girl and that he likes her. Now that REALLY upset me. I thought he wanted to be single? He said he didn't want to hurt me but he didn't want to lie to me. They've been getting closer these last few weeks. He told me about a week ago that they aren't together- it's just an "open" relationship and that he def doesn't want a committed relationship, but she does. He's also been sleeping around a bit (before her and while he's been hanging out with her). I found this out bc he texted one night about 3 weeks after the break up and said he was with a random girl from the bars and that she was getting sick and he was worried about what to do with her. He told me I'm still his number one to turn to even though he shouldn't.

 

Now the hard part- we are in the same major with a lot of the same classes and he is even my lab partner for a 3 hr lab that meets twice a week. We are still on friendly terms but it is so hard seeing him. I cry almost every time we part ways after class and it's been 6 weeks! So, I can't avoid seeing him.

 

My feelings towards him change everyday, sometimes hourly! I have really tried to look at things objectively and try to see what he is feeling. What if I was in his shoes? I would want him to understand, so that's what I'm doing, I"m being understanding. So I've never blown up at him and I think I have handled things extremely maturely. He never bashes me or is mean to me either.

 

After reading posts on this forum, I think he has GIGS. I was wondering what others on here think? I love him with all my heart, and I know he still loves and cares about me. He even offered to pick me up and let me stay at his apartment a few weeks ago when I was drunk out at the bars. I just can't stop thinking about him. I know he has moved on, but I just can't as much as I want to. I believe we are soulmates. I'm not waiting for him, but I can't help to think that one day he'll realize what he lost and will want to come back. He has said I'm the best girl he's ever been with. Could I even take him back after all of this? I just want to feel better, but the wonderful memories of him keep flooding my mind.

[Philosoraptor]

Take a step back and ask yourself what would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this same story.

 

"Hey Anethen, my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me so he could be free to sleep with other women. He calls me his number one, sometimes the same day that he's banging some random chick. I still talk to him and he knows I'm still around for him, so he has nothing to feel bad about. He probably also believes that I'll come running back after he's nailed all these random girls. But I'm his number one, should I take him back after he dropped me to sleep with all these women?"

 

C'mon now, you'd smack the **** out of your friend if she said that to you. In a nutshell you are being emotional support for someone who doesn't care about you, or what you had, enough to make it work. You gave him a free pass to sleep with other women while still having you around on the side. You need to grow a backbone, self esteem, and self respect, and drop all contact possible with this person. Sit away from him in class and focus on taking care of yourself rather than proping him up.

[Anethen]

The thing is, I'm not being there for him emotionally. He texted me that one time, when he was drunk. Other than that, he does not text me unless it's about school (which I reply bc we help each other out with tests, reports, etc). He isn't stringing me along or anything. He doesn't expect anything else from me. We are class buddies and that is it. Do we have the occasional conversation about our lives while walking after class, yes. But in no way have I been his friend. We don't text about random things and we don't hang out.

 

I get what you are saying. But there's so much more to it than that. Have you read the post about GIGS and what others are saying about their experiences? It isn't easy when you are the one with GIGS either.

 

I don't believe he broke up with me just to sleep with other women. I know him and if I have learned anything after this break up, it's that he has been truthful. He told me he liked this girl, he told me he has hooked up with other people. He told me this bc I asked and he said he couldn't lie to me (I asked these things weeks ago before I accepted things, I don't ask him stuff like that anymore, I'm moving on and letting him be).

[Philosoraptor]

Then why do you believe he broke up wtih you?

 

What you're doing is attempting to rationalize his reasoning. Regardless, he decided that continuing a relationship with you was not as important as what he is doing now. Putting a term on it doesn't make the breakup any different. He decided to end the relationship with you to have freedom and sleep with other women. All the while, he continues to speak with you like nothing is wrong and that in turn leaves him feeling guiltless as you have validated his choice by continuing to be in contact with him even though it is bringing you pain. Just by communicating with him in a friendly manner you are being that emotional support. You're validating his choices and letting him know that there is zero punishment for what he has done. He can still talk to you when he wants without feeling bad, and go off to do his own thing after.

 

Being a martyr isn't going to bring him back, and even if he came back, why in the world would you trust that he would not have another sudden "I wanna do my own thing and bang other chicks. She's already let me leave once and took me back, so why should I think she wouldn't take me back again"?

 

Calling it "GIGS" or "getting screwed over" doesn't change the facts. He's left you to do whatever and whomever he feels like. You are choosing to increase your own pain by communicating with him in any way then crying when you have to separate again. You're leaving that moment feeling miserable and sad, he's leaving it without guilt and off to whichever person he has lined up next.

Edited October 11, 2013 by Philosoraptor

[Anethen]

I guess I am trying to rationalize his actions. And I really do get what you are saying.

 

But I don't think he broke up solely with me because he wants to sleep with other women. I think that's just his way of dealing with things. I mean, he is a guy afterall, and sex to them is just an act. So I'm not holding that against him. He's not getting it from me, so he needs to get it somewhere else.

 

I think he is with this other girl to get his mind off things and try to help him move on. She isn't really his type.

 

I truly believe he broke up with me for the reasons he told me. He's having sex, well bc he is single he can do that.

 

Idk what I was trying to get from this. I guess I just wanted to have someone who has experienced GIGS on either side to give me their input.

 

But why does it matter that he has GIGS? I mean, a break up is a break up. Trying to rationalize things and make him look like a good guy is just tormenting me even more and preventing me from moving on completely.

 

It's just hard when you have spent this long with someone and really know them. I know he didn't want to hurt me and I know it was hard for him to end things. He was trying really hard not to cry. I know he is going through a rough time too. Not has rough as me, but I know he is hurting. He thought this is what he had to do. Is it a little selfish? Yes! But he needs to do what is best for him, and he thinks being apart from me is going to make him feel better.

 

I just need to accept that what we had is gone, and that he may never be that same person again.

[Philosoraptor]

It's good you're starting to see through the haze.

 

Understand that right now the only person you owe alliegance to is yourself. You need to do whatever possible to bring happiness into your own life. Continuing to communicate with him is only bringing you pain and hurting you worse. You need to take care of yourself right now and cut the contact. Fill your life with hobbies, family, friends, and whatever else you need to put a smile on your face.

[Anethen]

I'm trying to move on, but I feel like the more I try to move on, the worse I feel. I went out for a few weekends in a row, met a guy, hung out with him a few times at the bars. But, it wasn't the same. I felt empty hanging out with him. I just don't think I'm ready to go out and have fun. I try to, but he's always on the back of my mind and I can't seem to enjoy myself.

 

Trust me, I want nothing more than to feel better, but I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had and how good we were together. So, to get him off of my mind, I've been watching old seasons of tv shows. That's truly the only thing that makes me feel temporarily better (pathetic right?).

 

Things would be a lot better to come to terms with if we had broken up bc we weren't compatible anymore, fighting, grew apart, etc. But we were 100% fine and his break up was really sudden and I know how he felt about me.

 

It's just hard to forget about someone that gave you so much to remember. Being on campus makes me think of him. It's just hard to continue college without someone who was there for 3 years of it.

 

P.s, I don't agree with the last post. I know ALOT of people who are engaged to their college sweetheart. ALOT of people meet in college.

[Philosoraptor]

Hey, no shame in whatever makes you happy. If it makes you smile, then do it.

 

You're not ready to date, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just because he's picked to slut himself around doesn't mean that's how you'll find happiness.

 

Stop trying to "move on" and work on finding happiness in every moment. You can't push yourself through healing, but you can make it more enjoyable by learning to love the little things. The warm sunshine, the cool breeze, the ripples raindrops make in a puddle, etc. So much beauty in the world that you can open your eyes to.

 

I was in your place a few years ago (5 years, house together, engaged, etc.), really read my old threads... ridiculous. I thought life would never go on and I would never find happiness or love like I had before. But slowly but surely I took some advice and started to find happiness in little things. Started spending time with my sisters, jumped out of an airplane, and eventually much later was ready to date again. In time I just kinda forgot about the past and met a wonderful woman. We're getting married in June.

 

Everything looks bleak now, and your big picture might be screwed up, but if you start focusing on the moment and enjoying what is there... your big picture will brighten with every bit of joy you find in the world.

[Mariposa10]

Right now you have to think about yourself. It doesn't matter how he feels what he thinks. Ever since you guys broke up he's only thought about himself. You need to start doing the same. Also, don't forget it hasn't been too long, don't be so hard on yourself, give it time.

[Anethen]

Thanks for the advice philosoraptor. I went back and read some of your threads. 5 years is a long time with someone. I just need to take your advice, seems like you have experience with a ltr break up and getting your heartbroken.

 

I just don't get how he can look at another girl already. I hate that he doesn't want me anymore. I'm not so caught up on the fact that I want him back, it's just hard to let go

 

I guess I got so caught up in the relationship that I made him my sole source of happiness, and now that he's gone it's hard to find a purpose. I keep imagining what our life would have been like if we were together after college.

 

I got so committed to him and his hobbies. He taught me a lot and introduced me to new things. He taught me how to love. So naturally, it's hard to not think about him.

 

I need to realize that there is more to life than him and you can be happy without a guy. This relationship has taught me so much, I will definitely take what I have learned into new relationships in the future.

 

Even though things are hard now, I like to think that I am the one who is moving on faster emotionally. He may seem to be having fun being "single" and hanging out with that other girl, but he never gave himself time to heal completely. Eventually, the fun will run out with her and he will really begin to grieve. At least that's what I like to think.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks for the advice philosoraptor. I went back and read some of your threads. 5 years is a long time with someone. I just need to take your advice, seems like you have experience with a ltr break up and getting your heartbroken.

 

I just don't get how he can look at another girl already. I hate that he doesn't want me anymore. I'm not so caught up on the fact that I want him back, it's just hard to let go

 

I guess I got so caught up in the relationship that I made him my sole source of happiness, and now that he's gone it's hard to find a purpose. I keep imagining what our life would have been like if we were together after college.

 

 

I got so committed to him and his hobbies. He taught me a lot and introduced me to new things. He taught me how to love. So naturally, it's hard to not think about him.

 

I need to realize that there is more to life than him and you can be happy without a guy. This relationship has taught me so much, I will definitely take what I have learned into new relationships in the future.

 

Even though things are hard now, I like to think that I am the one who is moving on faster emotionally. He may seem to be having fun being "single" and hanging out with that other girl, but he never gave himself time to heal completely. Eventually, the fun will run out with her and he will really begin to grieve. At least that's what I like to think.

 

 

I was with my ex for 4 almost 5 years as well, he started seeing someone else right after our breakup, like you I couldn't believe how he could even kiss her or have the energy to hang out with her. But that's none of our business, we have to take care of ourselves.

 

This is our time to heal! Good luck!

[Anethen]

Right now you have to think about yourself. It doesn't matter how he feels what he thinks. Ever since you guys broke up he's only thought about himself. You need to start doing the same. Also, don't forget it hasn't been too long, don't be so hard on yourself, give it time.

 

Thanks, mariposa. I have come a long way in six weeks. I like to think that I have handled things really maturely, much better than I thought I would in this situation. I never begged or pleaded with him and I never texted or called him a lot like most people do.

 

I feel much better each week, but it's still hard. Especially since I see him in class and are lab partners. When I look at him, it's hard not to think about what we had. But, it's definitely getting better. The butterfly feeling is going away when I see him, and I'm starting to just see him as another person. Also, I'm not that interested to know how his life is going anymore. We barely saw anything to each other that doesn't involve classwork and I'm ok with it.

 

Maybe actually seeing him weekly is a good thing- maybe it's making me heal faster in some weird way. I feel like if I went a long time without talking/seeing him, then saw him, I would be a complete wreck afterwards. These little times that I see him is making it easier for me to see him as any other person.

[Philosoraptor]

That's an issue that many inexperienced people have, wrapping all their happiness in a relationship. It becomes a form of codependency.

 

Turn off your ego and look at this from an outside perspective. These girls aren't better than you just because he's with them and not with you. He lost a faithful woman who treated him very well. He is the one, in the end, who would have lost something great.

 

And it matters not who moves on faster. What matters is that you, yourself, move on most efficiently. But yes, most who rebound are avoiding feelings versus maturely dealing with them.

[Angry bird]

It's easier for him to move on because you're there as padding if he fails. That's why it's easy for him. I agree, let him be without. Don't share your life with him. Keep sweet and short. I'm sorry this is happening. I had my heart broken in college and it feels like your stuck on an island with him.

 

I hope it gets easier sooner than later.

[Anethen]

Turn off your ego and look at this from an outside perspective. These girls aren't better than you just because he's with them and not with you. He lost a faithful woman who treated him very well. He is the one, in the end, who would have lost something great.

 

Very true. I did so much for him, I gave him everything I had. I loved him unconditionally and would have done anything for him. In the end, he will realize what he lost. He said it himself throughout our relationship. He said I'm not like any other girl he's been with.

 

But, we were each others first loves, first serious relationship. He had his flaws, but we never had issues. He never once yelled at me and he never said hurtful things to me. I guess I'm just worried I won't find another guy like that out there. He's literally a super nice guy

[Anethen]

It's easier for him to move on because you're there as padding if he fails. That's why it's easy for him. I agree, let him be without. Don't share your life with him. Keep sweet and short. I'm sorry this is happening. I had my heart broken in college and it feels like your stuck on an island with him.

 

I hope it gets easier sooner than later.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I hope it gets better soon too. I just keep thinking that everything happens for a reason. I would much rather this happen now, than if we had an apartment together after college and were engaged.

[Criticality]

You do realize that only very few couples who get together right out of high school last, right? If they make it through college and get married, when they get close to thirty one of them usually bails. Or has an affair.

If there are kids involved it can get very messy.

 

The reason that happens, isn't just cause the person is curious about what it's like to have sex with other people and wants to try it (though that may be a reason) and it isn't because they don't love each other anymore. (though that can be the case)

 

But besides the usual problems there might be in a relationship, we all change a lot from 16-26. Who you are at 16 isn't always the same person you are at 18, 22 or 26.

 

If anything your boyfriend is smart if he realizes some of this. And imagine how bad it would be if you divorced in five years instead, with a new house and a baby.

 

I can only imagine how much this hurts you, but you don't have a reason to doubt your boyfriend loved you or that you meant a lot to him. I'm sure he did and you did. But he's also unsure of the future, of who he is and who he'll be and not ready for the kind of commitment you want.

 

So what do you do? First of all, you give up hope at you might get back together. It might happen, in fact if you want to grow old with him this is the only way it can happen: That you go separate ways and find each other again in five years or whenever.

 

But it's far from a sure thing, and you can't force it. Lots of people get together with their first loves later in life, but lots of people don't.

 

So you do what he does, live you life, meet people, maybe other boyfriends, and grow as a person.

 

Stay in touch with him as much as you can handle without getting hurt or losing your independence. Maybe it's best if you don't talk that much for awhile. But see how you feel and play it by ear.

 

Why stay in touch at all? Because at one time you meant a lot to each other and still do to some extent. There probably aren't many people that know you or him as well as you two know each other. And even if he'll never be your boyfriend or partner again, the older you'll get, the more you'll appreciate having a friend that knew you when you were a teenager.