My GF needs time to figure everything out

[fluffhead]

Hi everyone,

 

Long time reader, first time poster here. Anyway, here I go..

 

I met my current girlfriend 7 years ago, when we were freshman at college. At that point in my life I wasn't looking for a serious girlfriend but always had this feeling that this girl was "the one." From time to time we would hook up and come the end of senior year things started to get a bit more relationship-like. We were never official back then and eventually she cut things off from me because I wasn't ready to take the next step. It was more like I was afraid of losing her, so I never took the next step for that reason.

 

Fast forward to July of 2012. We were both at a mutual friend's beach house and after not hooking up for close to 8 months, sparks flew. From that point forward, I decided that I want to be with this girl and would do whatever it took. We started dating from August 2012 until this past Tuesday.

 

Now this is a girl who, from time to time, gets VERY stressed out about things and becomes consumed with them, meaning I take the back seat for a bit. We've spoken about it in the past and it's just something I have had to deal with. Job searches are up there with her stress causers, but her sister is also about to take the plunge, so that's causing her a great deal of stress as well.

 

Over the past 3 weeks I noticed her getting extremely short with me via text and, for the most part, if it wasn't for me to reach out, we would barely have spoken. So last week I went over to her apartment to see her before she went away for the weekend. I had all intentions of saying something then, but we WERE PERFECTLY FINE. Every time I was with her in person, it was like we were the same 2 people we've always been, deeply in love with each other.

She went away, the shortness was still there, and thus when she came home on Tuesday I told her I NEEDED TO SEE HER DIRECTLY AFTER WORK. Also, keep in mind that she would text me at night saying she misses me so much, be the first to say I Love You, and all that good jazz.

 

So right after work the two of us decided to go for a little walk. Again, we were completely fine, we kissed hello, said I missed you, etc. I couldn't take all the questions going on in my head so I straight up asked her if we were okay. She responded with the dreadful, "Let's go talk somewhere." We went to find somewhere to sit and she explained to me that she's been having this feeling of uncertainty and doesn't know where it's coming from but it can't be ignored. She's spoken to her mom, sister, friends, and was sleeping on this for weeks, but just can't pinpoint where this feeling is coming from and can't ignore it (I believe it has something to do with this wedding and her job hunt, and that's confusing her). She swears she loves me so much and I'm her best friend, but she doesn't want to string me along when she can't give me her all. She started hysterically crying, we hugged and parted ways. That's the last I've heard from her.

 

Yesterday, her roommate texted me saying that she's thinking of me, which I replied asking how my ex was holding up...Received no response.

 

I've been a mess since Tuesday. I truly mean it. I've never in a million years felt that I can feel like this about a woman, yet here I am. I WANT HER BACK and I know I need to give her space, but WHAT WHAT WHAT can I do to help me in this situation. I know I can live my life without her, that's not the issue here. The issue is I don't want to. I want her back.

Edited October 11, 2013 by fluffhead

[Criticality]

Sorry to say buddy, but she doesn't sound like she's "deeply in love with you". Sounds as you have been doing most of the pursuing.

 

Did her roommate text you that you GF is thinking of you, or herself, the roommate is thinking of you?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she's met somebody else she's interested in recently, and he's waiting in the wings: "she can't give you her all" "she doesn't want to string you along".

 

I doubt you can get her back, but the only way you can have a chance, is to stay away. There's nothing attractive about a desperate, clingy boyfriend so try not to look or act like one.

[todreaminblue]

hey fluffhead....pausing to smile here.....why did you do the fluffhead name i have to know?

 

 

i think just give her time , one thing i know is stressing out...my hair turned grey starting at about six i reckon..my stress physically manifests....in many ways.....

 

 

i am sorry she does this.... even with stress, i dont think ending a relationship is the thing to do .......even if you are uncertain .....you relay what you feel and work it out together that to me is a committed relationship...never say its over .....until it is actually really over 100 per cent surety of that ...then you end it...not on uncertain grounds...you do take some space to help you focus when you are stressed but never say something you regret by making major decisions when unstable....i contemplete lots of things under duress i never do any of them they are normally pretty whack...........i wait until i fele stable and go what was i thinking.....and do the right thing

 

 

 

 

the only thing however you can do is give her space.....i do feel you need to talk to her sounds like she isnt happy or certain she has made the right decision............maybe try and work it out give it some time keep in contact not invasive contact but let her know you think of her and when she is ready she knows your number sort of message give her that opening..wait then for her to say hey we need to talk....i wish you luck...deb

[fluffhead]

Sorry to say buddy, but she doesn't sound like she's "deeply in love with you". Sounds as you have been doing most of the pursuing.

 

Did her roommate text you that you GF is thinking of you, or herself, the roommate is thinking of you?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she's met somebody else she's interested in recently, and he's waiting in the wings: "she can't give you her all" "she doesn't want to string you along".

 

I doubt you can get her back, but the only way you can have a chance, is to stay away. There's nothing attractive about a desperate, clingy boyfriend so try not to look or act like one.

 

I flat out asked her if there was another guy. She said no and I believe her. Like I've said, I truly know this girl. Her friends are my really, really good friends (from before we even started dating) so if another guy was involved, I'm pretty sure one of them would step up and tell me.

[BC1980]

Giving her time to figure herself out, but on your watch. Do this at your own peril. It's fine to step back and take space to reflect, but don't get caught in a trap where you wait around for this girl for months. I would advise not to initiate any contact with her.

[fluffhead]

Giving her time to figure herself out, but on your watch. Do this at your own peril. It's fine to step back and take space to reflect, but don't get caught in a trap where you wait around for this girl for months. I would advise not to initiate any contact with her.

 

So are you recommending that I reach out to her?

[Anethen]

Fluffhead,

 

I get your pain, my ex of 2.5 yrs broke up with me suddenly 6 weeks ago. He only acted distant for a few days before calling it off. Up until that everything was perfectly fine, great actually, never been better. His reasons for breaking up were his personal reasons, nothing I did, he felt like something was missing, scared of the future, needed to figure things out, grow up, etc. Basically a lot of little reasons- I think he was just grabbing at straws, trying to justify the emptiness he felt inside.

 

I don't agree with another poster that she didn't really love you. Only you can be the judge of that. Sometimes people suddenly get an empty feeling inside, and they don't know what to do about it besides making a big change in their life- which happens to include you.

 

I know it's hard to understand, but remember things don't make sense to her either. She's probably just as confused as you are, but you are in the crappy end because you don't have control over the situation as the dumpee.

 

There's really nothing you can do. I have come to terms with that. My ex decided that he needed to go off on his own. And I respect that, I wouldn't want him to be with me and not be entirely sure about us and not be happy.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, but it gets better each week. You just have to fill your time with what makes you happy- whatever that is.

 

Don't contact her. There's most likely nothing you can say or do to make her come back- it's up to her. My ex that dumped me 6 weeks ago broke up with me once before, about 6 months into our relationship (we had a minor fight and he decided to end it). I begged and pleaded and just went crazy, I texted him about it, went to his dorm room a lot to try and make sense of things. None of it worked. A week later, we were studying for an exam together. I had stopped trying to get him to come back by then. I was actually about to tell him that we can't study together or talk anymore. Then he did something completely unexpected- he asked to get back together. He said he was stupid and wanted to just forget it and move on. So I got back with him and had a wonderful 2 more years.

 

But his break up with me this time is different. It's a lot like how you described. Idk if he'll come back this time (he's already hanging out with another girl as a rebound), and idk if I'd take him back. This time I believe he doesn't know what he wants, and needs to figure it out. But one thing I know for sure is to not beg and plead. Your ex won't come back because of what you do or say, it has to be on their terms. But you need to move on. I know it stings but it's the best for you.

[BC1980]

So are you recommending that I reach out to her?

 

Definitely don't contact her. The reason is that she is emotional right now, so she will not be receptive to talking to you. You need to wait until she contacts you because then, you know she is emotionally available.

 

I just really advise against taking a "break" as opposed to breaking up because you end up losing all your power. In relationships, you are either in or out of them. The break is to suit her needs, so she needs to know she can't have it both ways.

[frederickkk]

I have only read the subject headline of this forum post.

 

She needs time to figure everything out?

 

Don't give her the time.

 

Dissappear from her life.

 

End of.

 

Frederickkk

[littlelionheart]

NC is so stressful. I feel your pain. I'm going through it right now, and I'm in the same boat as you in that sense.

 

Most people will tell you not to contact her first, but the problem is that you have a lot of will. And if there's a will, there's a way, right? How about you give yourself one week of NC. See how you feel, and after that week, you'll be tempted to contact her, then you'll struggle. That struggle is important because it will dictate how long you can go on with NC. You need to keep struggling and just struggle to resist; one you can't resist anymore (I personally think you owe her and yourself AT LEAST one month), you can allow yourself to really contemplate about contacting her, but risk her not responding. I don't think you'll push her away, to be honest, but you need to give her some sort of space.

 

Nothing is black and white, and right now, you have to deal with the grey areas. She needs this space. She won't be out of your life forever. At the same time, you need to recognize the possibility that she either a) won't come back, or b) won't contact you for a while. So for the mean time, you have to try to move on -- it doesn't have to be permanent, but it has to take place during this NC.

Edited October 12, 2013 by littlelionheart

[fluffhead]

**UPDATE** I went NC all week with her. It was tough, but I did it. She was away for the weekend, so I took that time to go out with my friends and really let loose. She reached out to me on Sunday and said "She doesn't know what to say besides that she's been thinking a lot about me." I, mistakenly, told her I missed her and she responded saying she misses me also.

 

From there, I basically said I'm still confused and she suggested we talk on the phone. I proceeded to ask for an in-person meet, but she said she didn't think it would be a good idea. So I agreed to a phone conversation and it went a bit like this..

 

She said she misses me and it's been very weird to not talk for so long and then proceeded to tell me that our lives are so intertwined already and she needs to figure out if she wants to take this relationship to the next level. She followed that up with the fact that she couldn't deal with this internal issue AND give me 100% of her so she wanted to step in and take this break prior to "something happening" that would tarnish what we have. We left it off as I'm continuing to give her space and that I'm always here 24/7 for her. Her final words were "We'll speak soon," and I replied with "I hope so."

 

I took this conversation as an overall positive. It may just be because I want her back so badly, or it might be that she is actually talking to me honestly (she has always been honest) and really just needs to figure it out for herself. This now leads me to my next question which is: How long does this need to go on for?

 

I KNOW I love her, and I KNOW she loves me. You're talking about a friendship that started in college and 6 years later it blossomed into what we've both always wanted, us being together. This "break," or "time away" is heart wrenching for me; I've been a ball of misery (only on the inside) since we had our conversation. She's been sad and has cried when we initially had our talk as well as when we were on the phone, so I know she's hurting big time also. On one hand, I admire her decision. I truly do. She had the guts to say to herself "HEY!, let's take a step back here and REALLY make sure this is the guy I want." I, on the other hand, am scared that I may lose her forever.

 

Whats my plan of action here? I told her I'd give her space and she said we'll speak soon. I should be waiting for her to reach out AGAIN, right? If I don't hear from her by like Friday, should I be sending her a text just to remind her that I'm thinking about her?

 

As you can probably tell, this is my first time at this, and I DO NOT WANT TO SCREW IT UP. I know shes the one, I've known it since the day I met her.

Edited October 15, 2013 by fluffhead

[Criticality]

No, don't contact her unless she does.

[Assasda]

I'm going to give it to you raw.

I KNOW THIS.

 

You put her on a pedestal. Chicks do not want to be put on a pedestal. You were doing so much of the pursuing and you weren't allowing her to pursue you.

 

I think you're in a zone where you can get her back, but you need to not act like a wuss, and I know it sounds counter-productive, but you need to be OK with her walking away.

 

What you should do is go out and have some fun for YOURSELF!

Then, one day before you go out say "I'm going out at ___ time on ___day, its going to be fun, you should join me" If she says yes, don't make the date about her, make it about you, and having fun, do not discuss your relationship. If she says "No" or doesn't respond. Go out and have fun BY YOURSELF.

 

Chicks dont like to be worshiped and for you to put undue SERIOUS relationship pressure on them.

 

KEEP EVERYTHING LIGHTHEARTED, like nothing happened, and she'll comeback, but you have to be OK with her not coming back.

 

Finally, if she doesn't respond to you, write her one last message "Contact me whenever want to go out and have fun" and don't message anymore - basically you want to take the relationship to that fun place that you were at, before you start putting her on a pedestal