My Reconciliation Sanctuary

[RTBP]

Hi I'm a BH (27) currently going through R with my W (29). No kids been married nearly 4 1/2 yrs. We both post together on another site but I found that I missed having somewhere were I could post and not have to worry about her reading it. Just want to be able to express my negative feelings to someone with out giving her grief about it if that makes sense? Her affair was apparently atypical of what I've read on here and other sites. She changed almost instantly when it started last December, became depressed with guilt. It lasted two months. I didn't think affair until it was over in late March and began spying and getting nothing since it was over. I couldn't find anything but I knew something was wrong since she was so distant so I began the 180 and started to improve myself. Ironically this lead to her thinking I was cheating or about to leave her so that eventually lead to Dday which was in June, she confessed with some trickle truth but came out fully a few days later took a polygraph and complied with every demand so far and asks what else she can do. So I made out better than most in this kind of situation, she was very remorseful and we sued her company got paid in a settlement.

 

We're doing well in our R and some including our MC says we're doing very well. But like I said I still wanted some place to post that was just my own.

[RTBP]

One issue that I haven't brought to her attention is that sex can sometimes be a trigger. Not all the time but when the thought pops in my head it just doesn't go away.

[Scott Thomas]

Good luck reconciling.

If I may, why do you think reconciliation is a good idea- what specifically made you chose reconciliation over divorce? You might want to give us some details if you want advice. Anyway, I hope you two make it.

[RTBP]

Good luck reconciling.

If I may, why do you think reconciliation is a good idea- what specifically made you chose reconciliation over divorce? You might want to give us some details if you want advice. Anyway, I hope you two make it.

 

A few things. In hindsight I see her depression and distancing was over her guilt. She has been truthful after the initial trickle truth jump up at the chance to take a polygraph, which confirmed to me she was the one to end it. She has since done everything need to R, MC, IC, reading the books etc. Plus the fact that I'm not the bread winner, she is. I supported her through school and getting her MBA and now is the time for me to go back. She isn't trying to stay with me for money or for kids. I feel she genuinely does love me. That she is the first to admit that her affair is 100% on her and that any problems in our marriage were minor and temporary. That after Dday she out herself to a few friends and family members. She was completely on board with filing the lawsuit against her employer and showed no loyalty what so ever to her boss. After Dday I left home for about 2 weeks. During that time she was a mess, she lost about 20 lbs during that time span. I figure you don't starve yourself if you're faking it. I always figured that I would walk in this situation but I still love her and she is trying her hardest to reconcile so I'm giving her a chance until I graduate next winter.

Edited October 11, 2013 by RTBP

[road]

A few things. In hindsight I see her depression and distancing was over her guilt. She has been truthful after the initial trickle truth jump up at the chance to take a polygraph, which confirmed to me she was the one to end it. She has since done everything need to R, MC, IC, reading the books etc. Plus the fact that I'm not the bread winner, she is. I supported her through school and getting her MBA and now is the time for me to go back. She isn't trying to stay with me for money or for kids. I feel she genuinely does love me. That she is the first to admit that her affair is 100% on her and that any problems in our marriage were minor and temporary. That after Dday she out herself to a few friends and family members. She was completely on board with filing the lawsuit against her employer and showed no loyalty what so ever to her boss. After Dday I left home for about 2 weeks. During that time she was a mess, she lost about 20 lbs during that time span. I figure you don't starve yourself if you're faking it. I always figured that I would walk in this situation but I still love her and she is trying her hardest to reconcile so I'm giving her a chance until I graduate next winter.

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

Have you gotten any books to guide you?

 

How is the lawsuit progressing?

[cozycottagelg]

I'm confused about the law suit...

[RTBP]

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

Have you gotten any books to guide you?

 

How is the lawsuit progressing?

 

Yeah I know. We've been told we appear to be further along than most at 4 months since Dday.

 

Yes we both have gotten books to read. Some recommended at the other site others recommended by our MC.

 

Settled out of court with a no disclosure agreement.

[RTBP]

I'm confused about the law suit...

 

If a boss has sexual relations with a employee they leave the company open to a sexual harassment lawsuit. According to my lawyer most companies will settle out of court to avoid the news becoming public. They did in our case.

[RTBP]

Makes perfect sense. You need something that is therapeutic.

 

Sorry that you are here because of your situation.[/QOUTE]

 

Thanks.

 

Well that's always rich isn't it? Cheating spouse treats you like dirt, acts differently, and you aren't suppose to make the best of it?

 

My x-wife did the exact same thing. Only I started working out and taking care of myself more after I found out she was cheating. And my wife at the time didn't like that I was bettering myself. Amazing isn't it?

 

She didn't treat me like dirt. I wouldn't have put up with it. She became depressed and started distancing herself from me. I didn't know what the hell was going on with her at the time.

 

?? Why did you sue the company? I don't know what the circumstances were, but I don't see a company being the problem. I see your wife being the problem.

 

And now she got to cheat and get paid for it? Well, then I'd say you should get an agreement written up that says if you ever do divorce, that she doesn't get to lay claim to THAT money.

 

It happened on company time. 2 business trips. He was a higher up in a senior position. One of the first things she agreed to was a post nup agreement.

 

Welcome. Although I have to raise an eyebrow about the suing the company thing, you definitely need a place of your own to vent.

 

Thanks I'm the one that pushed for it. She could've just resigned but I wasn't going to let him get away with it.

[RTBP]

Yes, that is true. But if the company was smart, they'd only settle out of court if there is proof that the higher ups knew about the affair and didn't do anything.

 

So if they knew, then they were smart in settling out of court.

 

If they didn't know, they should have fought it.

 

Either way, no offense, legal or not, it wasn't the company's fault your wife had an affair. It was your wife's.

 

Honestly, I hope your wife doesn't hold her head up high about the lawsuit or struts like a peacock about it, because that wouldn't bode well for her already deplorable character.

That's like saying, "its not my fault I had sex with him....its the company's fault. They did this to me"

 

The way I had it explained to me that in a case like this it is assumed that the one in position of authority take advantaged of their power to coerce the subordinate. He was a dumbass who used his work email to talk to her and showed he was the pursuer.

 

No peacocking on her part. She was walking around on egg shells the entire time. I had no problem going after the OM and the job. He lost his job, his girlfriend left him once she found out, and I got paid.

[RTBP]

I'm not a fan of sueing because you "can". It mostly smacksof greed. So if it was greed just say that. I knew I could get some cash.

 

IMO a better way would be to threaten the company with a law suit and see if they take action. That way their will be none of the trickle effects vellocrat described.

 

Ok call it greed then. I saw an opportunity where I could make some money and I took it. I have no qualms about making the most out of the most f##ked up situation I've ever been in.

[drifter777]

I firmly believe that a man should divorce a cheating wife if there are no children involved. Reconciliation is much too painful and takes too long to put yourself through when there's nothing other than a broken relationship at stake. To me, trying to reconcile in this situation is self-abuse. That said, you are asking for feedback to here is some of mine.

 

What's with the money thing? You supported her while she got her MBA. You are not the breadwinner at this time because its your turn to go to school. You sued and won a settlement from her employer. I understand that you've been posting somewhere else so you might think it's best to summarize and "cut to the chase", but all this suggests that you are way too much in your head about this. You mentioned early on that sex is a trigger for you with no follow-up on how it feels or how you deal with it. In fact, you don't express any emotion in any of your posts. If you are really looking for some differing points of view from fellow BS's you need to talk to us about how you felt on d-day, the immediate aftermath, and as your attempt to reconcile has progressed. What are you doing in MC, IC to get to the bottom of your emotions? Just having a Q & A with us might be interesting but is not going to generate any honest feedback.

[RTBP]

I guess one of the thoughts that keep coming back during low points is why am I bothering? She did this, she is the one who f##ked up wo why do I have to suffer? So I'm now suppose to work on myself and in the end she did what she did and she gets a better husband out of it? While my consolation prize is mind movies of some old fat f##k inside my wife. I hate the unfairness of it all.

 

But at the same time I still love her. On paper I have every reason to cut ties and go our separate ways. But still I stay. We spending more time together, connecting more, the quantity and quality of our sex is at its highest ever and I can admit I'm happy with her for the most part. Its just that bit of pride and ego that just keeps picking at me. I don't know if this is making sense, I'm just writing out my thoughts.

[drifter777]

... and I can admit I'm happy with her for the most part. Its just that bit of pride and ego that just keeps picking at me. I don't know if this is making sense, I'm just writing out my thoughts.

If you really reduce all of your issues with her cheating down to "a bit of pride and ego" then what the hell are you doing posting here? You're done; you've reconciled. I envy people like you because the sexual part of my wife's cheating overwhelmed me for years and still is a disgusting memory that pains me.

[RTBP]

I firmly believe that a man should divorce a cheating wife if there are no children involved. Reconciliation is much too painful and takes too long to put yourself through when there's nothing other than a broken relationship at stake. To me, trying to reconcile in this situation is self-abuse. That said, you are asking for feedback to here is some of mine.

 

What's with the money thing? You supported her while she got her MBA. You are not the breadwinner at this time because its your turn to go to school. You sued and won a settlement from her employer. I understand that you've been posting somewhere else so you might think it's best to summarize and "cut to the chase", but all this suggests that you are way too much in your head about this. You mentioned early on that sex is a trigger for you with no follow-up on how it feels or how you deal with it. In fact, you don't express any emotion in any of your posts. If you are really looking for some differing points of view from fellow BS's you need to talk to us about how you felt on d-day, the immediate aftermath, and as your attempt to reconcile has progressed. What are you doing in MC, IC to get to the bottom of your emotions? Just having a Q & A with us might be interesting but is not going to generate any honest feedback.

 

I can be a bit too much in my own head. I have a problem expressing other than anger. I guess I come off as unemotional about it is because I am trying to detach from the moment and I don't really like looking back and recalling everything if that makes sense.

 

Dday was on June 15th. She confesses I'm enraged and basically wreck our living room. I leave to go stay in a hotel. After I cool off some I call my cousin (female) who lives in the same city as us to stay with wife for a while because I didn't trust her alone in this situation but I didn't want to be near her. She is freaking out blowing up my phone. I turn it off and proceed to call others from the hotel phone. I expose to her parents and her mom says she and her sister will be here in a few of days. My wife continues to try and talk to me and 2 days after Dday she goes into my cousin's phone finds the hotel number and figures out where I'm staying. She shows up at my door begging me to come home and I do.

 

Her mom shows up later and just begins grilling her over it and thats when she comes completely clean on the affair. I get pissed again and leave for 2 weeks this time. I go to a different hotel and steal a cheater move and use a burner phone so she can't locate me this time. My time during this period was spent either online, drinking, or at the gym. During this time we meet to talk a few times so I can get answers. I need to know everything because I wasn't about to live a lie so she agreed to a polygraph. There was no parking lot confessions and she passed so I figured she is being truthful. I also note that she looked like hell the entire time I was gone. Hair was a mess, she look pale, according to her mom she wasn't eating or sleeping. In the 2 1/2 weeks since Dday she lost over 20 lbs.

 

A combination of the poly results, her remorse and guilt, a bit of sympathy over the mess she'd become, and love I still had for her drove me to give her a chance. And we've been working on it for about 4 months.

[Grumpybutfun]

RTBP:

Welcome to LS. It is good to have a place for you to rant and vent. I don't have any background in this, but I have been the unhappy observer of this many times and I know how it can destroy lives and wreak havoc on the betrayed.

 

Infidelity is a terrible trauma so please take care of yourself and try to be patient with the process. Love isn't the issue here, it is the trust and a tiny part of your ego which you may feel devalues you as a man if you acquiesce to her reconciliation efforts so easily. Reconciliation is a process and will take much time in order to heal some of the wounds. You are going to be confused because this is something that is broken and it needs to be fixed. No matter her contrition, you probably wonder about her integrity and her character and her loyalty to you. You probably also question her judgment and wonder if you should be in a marriage partnership with someone who has poor judgment and a questionable character.

 

It may help to understand her motivations for cheating. It may also hurt to know this. Sexual disloyalty is the worst form of infidelity for men because so much of our relationship lies in the physical act. It is where we get much of out closeness and intimacy to our partner.

Vent away,

Grumps

[road]

To sue because your WW was coerced to banged the OM is one thing.

 

To sue when your WW was a willing accomplice in is wrong.

 

Hypothetical you exposed at work. WW got money and resigned. OM resigned and neither one now works for the company.

 

When the affair is with a co worker it is always a must to expose the affair at work. Exposure at work does not always lead to law suits.

 

Though it is good WW and the OM no longer work together for the same company.

[RTBP]

No no no! You work on yourself for YOU. Not her.

 

If anything it will be a reminder to her just how bad she f****d up.

 

However I know what you are saying. If you read some people here it comes out like the BS needs to work on themselves to keep their spouse from cheating again. Emotional extortion.

 

You work on yourself. But again, for you, not her.

 

I know and thats what I'm told in IC but what you know you should be feeling and the reality aren't always the same.

 

This is why there needs to be consequences to her actions. Something tells me by the rosy picture you painted in the first post that she isn't getting that.

 

Tell me, has she now lost certain freedoms as a result of her cheating and losing the trust of a good man?

Example. If I were to stay with someone that cheated on me while out partying with the girls, then those days would be over if she wanted to keep me.

 

It doesn't feel like consequences if she's jumping at the chance to do it. Basically every thing I've asked/demanded she has complied without complaint. Polygraph, post nup, lawsuit, she hopped on all of it all most immediately. When I told her we needed MC she had a list of counselors in my hand the next morning. She bought and read every book that was suggested to her and bought any for me she was told that might help. I already had all of her passwords and stuff before the affair. And she knows I'm monitoring her she just doesn't know all the ways I am and she is alright with it.

 

She doesn't go out anymore unless I'm with her, which is cool with her. Honestly if she had her way we'd be attached at the hip. I've had to demand space on more than one occasion, especially after I came home after two weeks. I go to watch tv she joins me, I go take a nap or go to bed she is right there too, I go to the gym she wants to come and watch. I'm going to class in the day she often comes to be with me during my big break in between classes for lunch.

 

Trust me, it makes sense. Been there and done that my man. I can relate. However I am in the position that I divorce my wife over it. I simply couldn't put those mind movies out of my head. Only way was to leave her.

 

So question is, does she exhibit any behaviors now that would lead you to think she just doesn't get it? Or that she thinks she can slip back into old habits and not have you raise an eyebrow?

 

She gets it. She has been consistently contrite since Dday. I don't worry about her slipping back really. I don't feel her affair was out of selfishness or just simple cake eating. Just she has a lot of issues and is just broken for a lack of a better word. But it is fixable so I'm trying, at least until I graduate.

[RTBP]

I've been reading all over about infidelity since like March and I feel her's was a weird case. To save time I'm just going to post most of what she wrote on another site about her affair from her point of view.

Ok I got permission so here it goes. Like to say right off the bat that RTBP is in NO WAY responsible for my A.

 

I'm a hardcore conflict avoid-er, I don't rock the boat at all. RTBP would say it was a 24/7 job getting me to communicate what was wrong with me in our relationship.

 

Once I was secure in my new position at my job and we got acclimated to the city, the plan was RTBP goes back to school full time and I was to take care of the rest. But he decided he would work as well a part time job in the day between classes and a full time graveyard shift at a warehouse. I didn't like the lack of time between us at all but being a conflict avoider I never said anything this went on for 2 years. Between him constantly busy and exhausted and me traveling frequently I guess we sort of disconnected from one another.

 

Also I had poor boundaries. I wasn't use to attention and didn't discourage it when I got it. In fact me and RTBP would use guys that hit on me to get unknowingly get us drinks when we would go to bars or clubs.

 

Now enter my ex-boss. He was one of the 3 individuals that hired me after I graduated with my MBA. He always had a mentor/cool uncle kind of vibe when dealing with those of us that worked directly under him and he took me and another male colleague of mine under his wing directly. In hindsight I guess he did it to get closer, I don't know, for nearly 4 years he didn't say anything inappropriate to me until last fall. He started flirting and dropping innuendos and what not and at first it caught me off guard because he never did that. In the end though I didn't think much of it, he wasn't the first guy at my job to try to flirt or have a crush so I said whatever. I now know that I should have got RTBP involved right then and there.

 

In early Dec we were on a big mid-week trip. Not getting into any specifics, I was running a presentation for a big new partner of ours and there was a screw up with my team that ultimately I was responsible for that nearly cost us the deal. My boss step in fixed it and took blame for the screw up. I'm a wreck I spend the rest of the night in the hotel bar with co-workers and when that closes we go to a co-workers room where he has liquor. Yes I know now stupid but like I said bad boundaries. Boss takes me back to my room after a bit and while there he starts to kiss me. I don't stop him, I guess out of drunken stupidity and/or gratitude for saving my butt earlier. The next day I told him it was a one time thing and to never speak of it again. I didn't tell RTBP because, well I wanted to save my own a--, and I was afraid of how he'd react. Once we were back home he started pestering me in my office or on our work email. Didn't do anything because again I was afraid to confront him and afraid to go to RTBP. After we got back from our holiday vacation I was informed my boss put me forward for a promotion.

 

In mid January we go on our first trip since that one time and I honestly go with no intention of it continuing. While we are gone he is constantly trying to talk to me about being with him how he has feelings etc. This is the part where my IC is focusing on. I wasn't physically attracted to my boss, RTBP has been very descriptive of him. And while I admit to having a emotional connection on some level it was no where near love. My IC feels I allowed it to continue because I wanted to hold on the the feelings comfort he gave me and how he acted as my safety net mixed with what she calls an obligatory affair.

[RTBP]

This concerns me. It is normal to try to R and have one foot out te door. But what you are implying you want to stick around at least long enough to get your schooling paid for. I don't think that mentality is very healthy.

 

It would have been paid for regardless. It's apart of the post nup and she had said before that if we did divorce she'd want me to finish. I'm just using it a marker. Despite what she has done I would never exploit her like that. If I was really done I wouldn't drag her around, I'd be up front and end it.

[Confused48]

You said that you got paid! Holy cow man! You feel like you got justice bc another guy f** your wife and you got money for it? i'd sooner give that money to a hit man to kill the guy that f** my wife. I do not understand your kind.

[drifter777]

I've been reading all over about infidelity since like March and I feel her's was a weird case. To save time I'm just going to post most of what she wrote on another site about her affair from her point of view.

I don't know why you say it's a "weird case" - I'm struck by how typical it is. Calling it "weird" is something you do to protect yourself; to justify her cheating so it doesn't seem as ugly as it actually is. It also helps justify why you have decided to stay with a cheater. I mean, it's not like she really cheated, right? It was this weird case...

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The story of your wife's affair reminds me of a sexual abuse story, where a kindly older person "grooms" a younger person, and then pressures the younger person to do things. This type of story usually involves an adolescent or younger, and obviously your wife with her MBA, having been employed with this company for a number of years, having presumably been a very competent employee, so much so that she was entrusted handling a team on a big presentation, would presumably have the interpersonal tools and skill set to not fall victim to this sort of pressure play by this "kindly uncle" type. He hired her and took her under his wing, and he bailed her out of a jam and took the heat for her, but she had options other than just giving in to him out of - what? gratitude? obligation?. As an attractive woman in her late 20s who presumably has had to learn how to fend off the unwanted advances of men, and who has been as successful as she has, it strikes me that she should have been able to fend off his advances as well.

 

Now your wife also seems almost child-like in the way she clings to you and tries to please you.

 

Have you ever thought about it this way? That this sounds like an adolescent who didn't know how to deal with the kindly uncle who saved her from trouble? Is this what you were referring to when you posted that your wife "has a lot of issues or is just broken for lack of a better word." What exactly do you mean by that?

[Scott Thomas]

Is there a specific reason behind staying with your wayward wife? There are 3 billion women in the world, roughly 300 million your age. Why makes you think you can't find anyone better?

[Lokahi117]

I totally would have sued. The rest of these people who say they wouldn't have a screw loose in my opinion. The bs is entitled to a whole lot more than most of us end up getting and when people try to act that there is something wrong with us for trying to balance the scales, it drives me mad. I'm glad you got paid, I totally understand you staying until your school is done after all you supported her through her schooling why shouldn't you get the same benefit just because she cheated and ripped your soul up in the process. I always felt that we betrayed ones get no one fairness, we have no one we can sue for the extreme emotional stress that is unarguably forced upon us by two other people's selfish actions. This is one case very few and far between where we actually get some justice.....it will serve as a warning to the next executive that wants to bang his married secretary or subordinate. GOOD FOR YOU BRO!