BadluckVi Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Before I write out my story, at the moment I don't want to hear "You should move on" or "You can do better." I'm in a logical state where I know I can do better, but there is something lingering between us that I need to figure out whether it's worth my time. To begin, here's the story of why we came together: Our story is that he was head over heels for me in high school, but I never knew him. I ended up moving across the world because I was bullied so bad in high school, and 5 years later we've met up again. The first time we saw each other, we had immediate attraction, but I was too afraid to give him my phone number. We ended up meeting up again a second time, and we instantly fell in love. The story of the beginning of our relationship: I was in a terrible position in my life, I was alone in the big city and couldn't drive(because I recently moved back to the US, had no license.) I had no family, no friends, nobody to rely on. Plus I had a lot of personal issues. Since he was my first friend (not knowing he had a crush on me at that time), I told him I hated my life, and sometimes life was too hard I just wanted to die. I told him, I felt like no one cared about me and I had a horrible past that I felt like I was trapped in a deep hole. One day he help me drive me home, and he said, "Tell me you're whole story. I'm willing to listen." So I did. I told him honestly I had a lot of issues to begin with, from depression, being suicidal, an eating disorder, and having no good family background. I literally told him, "Don't date me because I have all these issues." He held me close, cried and told me, "It's okay. I just want you to be happy." And it was the first time I was really happy for the first time, and we both couldn't be happier with each other. How our relationship crumbled: Everything was perfect, but then a series of unfortunate events started to occur. It was something small from a date that we planned over a course for 2-3 weeks, and it was interrupted by his family. He had to go on a trip with them, and even I was hurt, I accepted the fact he needed time with his family. It wasn't the end of the world. Next thing was we were planning a date, and he gotten into a really bad car accident. I was disappointed again, but I felt really bad and missed him. I was offering to come over to take care of him, but it was too early in the relationship to come over to his house. Next thing you know, I got sick. I felt so bad I needed to go to the emergency room, to find out I was pregnant. Naturally my body was fragile, so I gotten really sick with the pregnancy. I was passing out all over the place, and had to end up in the ER a couple of times. So we decided what was best was an abortion (please no judgement), because I was 19, and had no support (no mom, no dad, nobody) to help me out. Plus the bigger issue, is I would get attached. I was already attached. Before then, I checked into a mental institute because I had no one to take care of me, and he was at work. Plus I felt terrible, suicidal, and I felt I needed help. He came over on visiting hours, and we had a deep bond together and I started feeling better. Next thing is we went through the abortion, and it was devastating. My mom was already came back to the United States and was living with me. She was at the movies, and he was at work and I couldn't drive, so nobody could bring me the painkillers I needed. So basically I had to go through the abortion without painkillers, and it was traumatic for me. Still, he was there to hold my hand through it. Probably one of the most memorable moments in my life. After that, the abortion wasn't clean and I was still feeling sick and weak. So I had to go under surgery, and he was there for me too. Now here's where I felt like I ****ed up. After that, I was still grieving inside, and I had family, money issues going on. I was so stressed out I attempted suicide, and ended up back in hospital again. After that things just started to fall apart. I didn't have the resource to seek help, and I tried to cope through an eating disorder (bulimia). Not only that, I turned into a slob and fell into a deep depression to the point I didn't have any motivation in life. With my bulimia, I ended back into the hospital several times for heart problems. Not only that I was acting irrational, and I was cutting and self harming. I was breaking down everyday, and having panic attacks. I knew he was sick of it, he even told me it. I just didn't know how to help myself and everyday seemed miserable. So, one day I yelled at him and he couldn't take it anymore and that's when he broke up with me. Now, at the same time he was going through some things too. He was going through family issues, and his parents were going through a divorce. Plus he needed to support himself through his work, so he was working extra hours to make it. After breaking up: I went through hell, and the only support system I only seemed to have was gone. I understand him why he broke up with me, and we both went through hell. He was stressed out with work too, and probably anything that didn't involve me would make him happy. I do admit to my faults. But something clicked in me, even I was in pain, I started to progress and become to be productive. I'm not sure why, but I guess I was back to relying on myself again that I started to progress. I started to work on myself, because I finally got a glimpse of how ridiculous I've been acting. The break up wasn't hateful, and he never hung up on me. It just was there. Still, the next day he visited even though he didn't have to. He wanted to get back together on day 2, but I was so hurt I couldn't allow it. I told him I wanted us to start over, and just started if nothing ever happened. I didn't want sad memories to effect us anymore, and start building happy memories together. He was happy with that answer. He told me he missed me, and he was texting me stuff saying like "Have a great day." I guess, I was weak and I was trying to figure out how to fix us. I wrote long texts, and I was just so still hyped on emotions I guess I was kinda back to my old self again. Not in self harming, but needy. Out of no where, he just told me he was moving on. Sent me a picture of a girl, and I was heartbroken. He even said he wanted me out of his life. I deleted him off of facebook, our pictures. Wrote a post how I deserved better, and I was moving on as well. Next thing you know from ignoring my messages, I get a message from him saying. "I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you're moving on." I didn't reply. He had left his stuff at my place, and had my key at that time. I didn't immediately ask for it back, I was just waiting around to see if he was going to make the first move. In the mean time, I worked on myself, progressed on myself, and I became a stronger person. I didn't want my life to be constantly hurting. After everything, I decided I needed my key back. I wasn't going to wait around for him. I told him I've calmed down and am ready to be friends. Then asked him to pick up his stuff. THE PRESENT Here is where I need help. He texted me that he thanked me that I showed him how to love someone, he's learning how to love himself, and working on himself. Then he asked me if he could kiss me one more time before he leaves with his stuff. When he arrived, he looked at me smiling, and walked into my room. It didn't take him long, he instantly grabbed me and held me close. He made the first moves, held me close. He started crying. We had a nice conversation in the beginning, he told me he was sorry and even wanted me to slap him about sending that girl's photo. Which he admitted it was fake and we had a long conversation about how he cared about me and staying close friends. He told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and I told him I accepted that. I told my love doesn't count on social status, or what we are. I confessed I would always love and care about him, and it's not about sex. It's the fact that what we've been through together would be memorable to me. He was there to hold my hand through a lot of stuff, and that's what I really need. He said right now it's bad timing, and maybe in the future give me a second chance. Then the loving conversation turned into how he was describing how many numerous dates he was going on that went horrid. How there was a lot of girls chasing him. Saying he felt "used". Then started crying to me how he wanted me to find someone to love me. I told him he was acting ridiculous, it was like crying over something that was right in front of him. Then he started making excuses how like, he didn't want to hurt another person from our relationship when she supported us in the first place. Then it came down to describing how he didn't want to lose me if he fell in love with someone else. It was like he was wanting to purposely fall in love with someone else when the person wasn't even in his life yet. I got angry, and impatient, and pushed him away to gather up his things to make him leave. He grabbed me again, and pushed me to the wall and kissed me again. He confessed he still had feelings for me. I told him, I wasn't a toy and he couldn't treat me like this. I deserve to be respected and I made a long argument that I didn't care about the other girls out there. I know I am the best, because I know I have confidence that I'm a caring, loyal person. I argued that I deserved better. He sat there and smiled, gathered up his things and hugged me before he left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So I'm at a lost. My question why is crying, confessing to me he has feelings to me, then telling me how many dates he's going on? Why is trying to convince me that he's going to love someone else, but afraid to lose/hurt me? Why is it that in person, he's willing to physically grab me close, then when he's not near me he rarely texts or when he replies have simple answers? Why is he acting this way? Is he playing me? I do still love, and care about him. But I don't want to give him the impression I'm needy again, but I want us to hang out again. How do I approach this? Do you think we can get back together?
DovLuvApostle Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I like to read, but im gonna be honest I skimmed and caught the things I thought were important so sorry in advanced. In my personal experience once you have separated and explored options with other people, its time to move on. The old explorers on sailing ships would criss cross familiar islands on a map so they could stop, resupply, eat, rig sails and head out to the uncharted. They would slowly feel around until they found a new land off the map, study it and decide to settle or keep going. What you are right now is another ship on that familiar island(the island is your relationship), when he needs to resupply (emotionally) he docks. When the island gets to stuffy he hits the seas again to explore for other islands. The thing is your captain of your own ship! Your waiting for a boat that may decide one day it doesn't want to come back to port and meanwhile your missing out on the exploration of new lands and adventure. Really though its unfair for you to wait around for some one to make up their mind. Your heart is just as important as his. Look at the pain of waiting and hoping, has that got you anywhere. Out of the 8 Billion people on this planet your the only you! Your unique in every way, a great catch so treat your self as such and don't miss out..... I know you want things to go back but I will say this. Second Chances happen all the time, but do they last? Keep it cool Your Friend J May you have calm seas ahead my love sailor....
todreaminblue Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 (edited) I actually think by movi9ng on you shouldnt be with anyone.....you have unresolved feelings fro him and you dont want to move on so move on you not on him.......for the moment deal with what you see as neediness.....if you arent motivated just go do something anyway......i dont know why he is the way he is just like he probably doesnt understand why you were the way you were....its flaws that people break up over nto good qulaities........that is why you need to see soemones flaws and realize foi you can live with them rather than what you like about a person...everyone has periods of clinginess needing someone...feeling lonely and anyone who scoffs and say you need how to be alone..deal with lonel9iness dont be needy......it isnt true....not many people are meant to be alone for the rest fo their lives...it isnt actually normal to want to be alone like a hermit and find happiness that way...even with knowing god loves you ...god gave us the gift of having another half of us to be united in love on earth...not just on the inside satisified with the love of god..sure it i simportant to have god there in your heart front and center...........but what i salso true is god promotes unions blesses them sanctifies unions that are good and true..soem times good relationships take more work and effort....in fact i would put that all good relationships have blood sweat and tears behind them...lots fo compromise and understanding each other when you really dont understand is needed .. you want to be happy...your friend wants to be happy too we all do...... and our flaws ...well....we have to learn how to make our flaws useful.......they are meant to be there......people who need people.......can actually help- people for starters........i doNt have an easy answer and my reply will of course be a bit askew from everyone elses..... what i can say is YOU DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU TOO...WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS IS IRRELEVANT.......follow what you desire most ....your heart gets inspiration from above...your mind follows dictation from society...listen to your heart and your mind eventually gets used to being guided from above...and adjusts accordingly...you may lose.....but if you do ...you lose or win on your terms.....your choice.....your agency....find your peaceful place...mine is on a pier headphones ipod wind and ripples on night water abound......and i listen to my heart......by sending prayers above into a star filled sky...another gift from god...i love stars...have seen three falling stars this year...sorry deb on a tangent.....and then i listen closer to my heart after praying....wish you love and happiness...debxo Edited October 11, 2013 by todreaminblue
thora-tiki Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 This guy needs to evolve (and man up) something fierce, he is selfish and a fu*king crybaby to boot. You ask for advice, right now the only option is to do no contact. It is going to do you both some good. He wants your pity, not your love. You can't build a meaningful relationship based on pity. Hopefully during his evolution (remember your ex needs to evolve as well) he will realise what a wuss he has been, and grow the fu*k up. Then if you choose to take him back you will at least get a real man, not a cry baby. This personal evolution will be beneficial to everyone around him if he changes. If he doesn't have you to run to, he will have to make a stand on his own, and that will start his evolution (cause him to grow stronger), or he will give up and become an even bigger loser. His choice, not yours. You'll be doing the right thing with no contact, you'll be standing strong, you'll be leading by example. Dating: Wish him and his future girlfriend all the best, (what you send out is what you get back). Dating is only natural, and doesn't mean anything (unless you live for the drama), after all you're not working to get your ex back, you are working to get your life back - or at least that is what you should aim for. Yes, he is playing you. Wake up! Just don't look too far ahead - it will only hold you back. And don't feed the «drama-monster» with thoughts like your above list, or similar thoughts. The holidays are coming, this is when people do most of their deep thinking, digging up old memories and feelings. And when they spend time alone with these feelings they start to evolve like never before. If he calls and find you waiting - he might stop reflecting and say - she is still waiting, no worries. But if you're not there, and busy, he has to realise that you have gotten on with your life. Now - this is where everyone panics. «They will think I have moved on and, I have driven them away. Forever!» Why do people love drama so much? And do you notice it is always «forever» not just a week or a couple months. FOREVER! If you're going to be dramatic why not think like this: They are digging deep and missing me, their true feelings are emerging and they are starting to realise how much they love me. I am winning them back. Forever! This is the attitude and mindset that moves fu*king mountains. Isn't love all about moving mountains? Don't pretend to know more about your ex than you really do - keep the faith. Start no contact. Let him begin to overthink every little detail - while you evolve into a stronger you. 1
BC1980 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I understand a second chance, but this would be a third chance right? Time to cut your losses at that point.
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