Physical VS Emotional

[Cinnimon]

If your A had never been physical, do you think it would be easier to let go in the end? I'm finding it very difficult to let go of a strictly emotional A. Yes that is right, we have never even met in person (other than high school when we knew of each other but didn't know each other). We have been talking for three and a half years now. We have tried to stop it (actually I have, I am single) but we always end up communicating again. I will admit that I feel really stupid most of the time for feeling like I can't just let it go. I've been told once before that it is completely ridicules that people can acquire feelings for one another by simply just talking but isn't that how most A start in the first place. I don't know where this is going, I'm pretty sure (positive more likely) that it is/will go no where. I guess I am asking if anyone else has been through something like this and how do I let go?

[LilGirlandOW]

Attachment in any form can be powerful. I have a gay friend I used to know back in high school, we reconnected almost a year ago and we talk mostly everyday. It's not a romantic connection, but he is a great friend and support so I think going NC would be devastating, even without the romantic connection. So yeah I think EA can be just as tough to move on from as PA.

[Cinnimon]

Attachment in any form can be powerful. I have a gay friend I used to know back in high school, we reconnected almost a year ago and we talk mostly everyday. It's not a romantic connection, but he is a great friend and support so I think going NC would be devastating, even without the romantic connection. So yeah I think EA can be just as tough to move on from as PA.

 

Thank you, LG.

[Phoe]

I'm the OW in a strictly emotional situation and I'm completely torn apart inside.

 

I'm becoming depressed and withdrawn. Over the past few weeks, I've gotten pulled aside at work by about a dozen different people asking if I'm okay, that I seem very off. I'm not okay, but instead of saying that I nod my head and smile.

 

 

The only thing I still have energy for is the gym. Work, gym, go home and lay in bed. Get no sleep at night.

 

 

I want to end it so that I can start at least moving on, but last time I ended it I felt such intense pain for several months, I'm dreading that again. I'm dreading that nauseating pain and am putting off feeling it, and instead just put up with the slow torturous pain that this man is causing me.

 

 

There's still that very tiny little pinprick of hope that allows me to daydream of a future with him... but I know that won't happen. I'm just stalling....

[Cinnimon]

I'm the OW in a strictly emotional situation and I'm completely torn apart inside.

 

I'm becoming depressed and withdrawn. Over the past few weeks, I've gotten pulled aside at work by about a dozen different people asking if I'm okay, that I seem very off. I'm not okay, but instead of saying that I nod my head and smile.

 

 

The only thing I still have energy for is the gym. Work, gym, go home and lay in bed. Get no sleep at night.

 

 

I want to end it so that I can start at least moving on, but last time I ended it I felt such intense pain for several months, I'm dreading that again. I'm dreading that nauseating pain and am putting off feeling it, and instead just put up with the slow torturous pain that this man is causing me.

 

 

There's still that very tiny little pinprick of hope that allows me to daydream of a future with him... but I know that won't happen. I'm just stalling....

 

I can completely relate to your feelings. Some days I tell myself, just shut it off, don't text, don't answer his call, don't do anything, but I can't seem to do it. I miss him. I made it NC for 3 weeks and fell into a depression. Felt like I was dying and that he had died too. It was awful. I feel trapped yet I know I am only trapped in my heart. My head knows what I need to do OR as you put it "put up with the torturous pain".

[MissBee]

I think physical As tend to include emotions as well and it's not necessarily that you are either in an EA or PA. However, you can also have a physical affair where no feelings are involved and in any situation where no feelings are involved, it will be easier to move on as you're not invested or attached. I technically was involved with 2 taken guys in my life, one in my opinion was an A, because it involved an emotional relationship and other aspects of a relationship, as well as the physical and the other, well I slept with a taken guy from time to time and we hung out, but I didn't see myself as his OW because it wasn't a relationship neither was I invested emotionally. My "real A" was emotional during and when it ended and was difficult because I was attached and invested, the other guy, we saw each other when we saw each other and eventually we just drifted apart with no fanfare and it didn't bother me one bit.

[Phoe]

Phoe, I think you mentioned that he's got a long-term gf, but is not married? Can I ask why he's not leaving the gf for you? Is it a cultural thing, or does he just want both?

 

he says he wants to but can't. says he hates her and isn't attracted to her and wants to spend his life with me but won't just break up with her

 

 

last time we did this it was because he owed her brother money. i finally ended things and a month later he MOVED IN with his girlfriend. So now her brother is paid back the money, but he can't break up with her because he lives with her. He said he's trying to move out but he isn't trying very hard IMO.

 

 

I ended things with him last night, told him I can't go through this again and that he cannot contact me again.

[Cali408]

Congratulations Phoe! As you know, you'll go through tough times.

 

If he loved you enough, he would be with you. No one should be a number 2.

[Phoe]

Congratulations Phoe! As you know, you'll go through tough times.

 

If he loved you enough, he would be with you. No one should be a number 2.

 

The hardest part is that he was my best friend since we were kids... we've known each other for so long. He had a crush on me back in school. I didn't even know about that for several years. By the time I knew he liked me I had moved away. 4 years later I moved back but he already had a girlfriend (one he claimed he settled for, she is clinically bipolar, and he says he is not attracted to her and their sex life is nonexistent). But, somehow, someway, for whatever reason, he wants to stay with her instead of be with me. Even though he SAYS otherwise.

 

 

The last time this happened I was NC for about 9 months, up until about a month ago when I posted a new profile picture on facebook and he messaged me, saying that after seeing my eyes in that photo he couldn't stay away any more. We saw each other in person twice since then which sent my feelings spiraling out of control, and I thought his too, but there's no way for me to know how he feels at all.

 

 

I messaged him on facebook last night telling him I was done, he immediately read it but never responded. He knows how this goes though. He knows I'm not kidding. He knows I say what I mean. Last time I did this I never slipped with the NC, up until the day he messaged me. I missed him every single day for those 9 months though...

[Cali408]

Phoe, de-friend and block him on Facebook. Better yet get off that social cesspool. God how I hate Facebook.

 

Facebook and the internet have made it a 1000% harder to get over someone. Because you can creep and stalk.

 

Bi-polar and he's still with her? He has a martyr complex. Guys like this love to play the victim.

 

He's imprisoned with low self-esteem. He validates himself as a human being by being committed to a broken woman. When it ends, he'll play the victim. I did everything I could for her.