I wish I could feel wanted like the OW

[longjourney]

I know this is screwed up. I don't want to cheat, I don't want revenge (well maybe a little bit).

 

What I want is to be wanted by someone other than my H. To have a man double take as I walk passed in the street. To be winked at, smiled at, anything really. I have never felt attractive in my entire life. Nights out the only time men approached me was to ask if my friend was single. I am (was) the sweet caring one who no one gives a second glance to. I guess I am homely. I was never the hot one, the good looking one EVER.

 

Then I met H and I thought he was SO handsome, the fact that he was dating me made me think that maybe I AM attractive after all. That didn't last because obviously he has been cheating on me and just "sticking around" since before our M. I have never felt lower.

 

He fancied her he found her SO attractive. He wanted to be with her but doubted that SHE would stay with HIM. She made him feel SO good. I wasn't the right person for him. I feel like he is staying with me because he has the insecurity that she is SO attractive that HE would never be enough for HER.

 

All I can think is I was not enough and he wanted HER and she did. He knew he was risking his marriage yet he still chose her. He denies this but of course but he chose her. He chose to develop this relationship her into more then their friendship. He put her above me FOR YEARS. He said he had stopped "seeing" me or even thinking about me.

 

My situation is difficult and different because I have health problems. I work but many days from home, and I don't know how much longer I will be able to work. But even when I do go to work, men have never paid me attention. I would walk past a building site, hear a whistle and be on cloud nine only to have a stunning woman walk past me and the penny to drop.

 

Thing is H got a huge ego boost from his A and I took the worst confidence knock of my life, and there have been many.

 

Then you have OW. She told me during the A that men always fall in love with her. Nothing wrong with her ego! She is more attractive then me, slimmer with bigger breasts and my WH IS SO a breast man.

 

I just want to be desired. H says he does I ask him if I am the best he has ever had, he says yes but I don't believe him. I know he is staying to partly save our M but mostly to save our family. I keep thinking yeah that's what you say now but you weren't thinking of me earlier all those years when you chose her.

 

I guess I am after the same as he was when he had his affair, attention, flattery, being chased and propositioned. I just want to feel attractive and good enough. Like a man would see I am married but let me know if I wasn't he would be interested in me. That I could be seen as attractive to anyone. I obviously wasn't attractive enough to my H.

 

He says I am around a 6/10 in my scruffs and no make up. A good 7/10 when dolled up but during A he had stopped seeing me and thought of me as around a 4/10 cos of my health problems and I was too busy dealing with my health issues to pay him the attention he craved. So his interest in me dropped.

 

She was about a 9/10 at the time I had dropped to a 4/10. So not much in it and he could easily have left me for her when she was making him feel so good. He says she gained points for her outgoing confident attitude and that he looked at her through rose tinted specs but he still felt that way. That life could be better with her. He was planning to leave me.

 

He is desperately sorry for it all. He feels bad about it and would give anything to take it back. He has been honest about his feelings for her and me at that time and I appreciate he has admitted it all to me but Christ how do I deal with the hurt, the rejection the confirmation I was not good enough.

 

Would any man see me as desirable. I don't think so. Its so unfair in affairs how the ws gets all the good confidence building stuff and we get the hurt and low self esteem.

 

I want to move forward. We still live with each other and he says he knows he can love me now how he should always have loved me completely and without reservation but it's so hard to accept or believe that it can happen. If I wasn't good enough then why am I good enough now?

 

Still not good enough to attract attention from other men which I crave but would never ever act on. Like I said a smile or a wink from an attractive stranger would set me up nicely. I would

never do anything about it. I just feel so unwanted, rejected and unattractive

Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[compulsivedancer]

It's not about what rating you get on the scale. There's a vibe that tells people you're pursuable. I've known rather unattractive women who go through men like water because of it. Yes, the 9 might stop men in their tracks, even when she doesn't want to. But a 7 is a pretty good rating. Most "normal" folk clock in at 6 or 7 when they're younger, if they take care of themselves. Most of them don't really get that double-take.

 

I'm not telling you to put on that vibe; what I'm saying is that not stopping men in their tracks doesn't mean you're plain, just that because you don't have that interested aura, they aren't noticing you. Likewise, putting on that ring will stop a large percentage of guys, and the ones that don't care about the ring are the ones that aren't worth having. When I got engaged, the number of times I got hit on dropped to almost nothing. (Btw, I'd say I was a 7 when I was single (maybe more if i really did myself up, but that was rare) but because I was flirtatious and outgoing, and because I was often one if the few girls in my male-oriented classes in college, I got asked out a fair amount - it's not about the number!

 

Btw, your husband's a jerk. Yes, you need to take care of yourself, but if you have health issues, you can't always control that. He should be putting in the extra time and effort to make you feel beautiful, wanted and desired! You probably needed EXTRA support during a rough patch and he was off with OM!

[Phoe]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

If it helps your situation any, the OW often does not feel wanted at all.

 

 

I was the OW in a strictly emotional affair, and I feel so horribly unwanted. He chose to stay with his girlfriend rather than be with me.

 

 

In affairs, the only person who truly gets to feel wanted is the one cheating. The cake eater.

 

 

It's so destructive, and again, I am sorry for your pain.

[beenburned]

Every betrayed spouse hurts and feels insecure at first when emotions are high after d-day.

 

But later on when emotions cool, you can examine the situation more rationally.(based on evidence/facts obtained) And determine whether you want to stay married to the WS.

 

Don't focus so much on the OW. From years of experience I have learned that usually the OW is simply someone who was willing to have sex with a married man.

 

Get counseling for yourself, and set up a plan to protect yourself.(both financially and emotionally)

[bentleychic]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

If it helps your situation any, the OW often does not feel wanted at all.

 

 

I was the OW in a strictly emotional affair, and I feel so horribly unwanted. He chose to stay with his girlfriend rather than be with me.

 

 

In affairs, the only person who truly gets to feel wanted is the one cheating. The cake eater.

 

 

It's so destructive, and again, I am sorry for your pain.

I agree with Phoe completely.

[crepesuzette]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

If it helps your situation any, the OW often does not feel wanted at all.

 

I am sorry I have to disagree. I have told my BH this myself that in being with the MOM I eventually saw myself through his eyes. The way he saw me. He made me feel better about myself because I could feel how much he wanted to be with me and he spoke to me in such a way. I am not talking about validation. The MOM told me I was the best Mother, friend and woman he had ever met (we were friends before our A started, as well we had dated very briefly about 20 years ago now). When he would talk to me I began to see what he saw. That awoke something in me, it was like a light went on inside of ME. Now trust me, I don't give MOM the credit, because my BH had told me these things many times too, but I was not ready to hear/accept them. It did and still does come from me. Now I know I carry the shame right on my heart of the things I have done to my M and my BH and my family, but I love myself completely. I never REALLY had that before. Even if my M wouldn't have worked out, I know I see myself in a wonderful light, flaws and all. You should work on yourself to get there, forget your WH and what he thinks.

[hippetyhop]

I was the OW and it wasn't always "peachy keen" how the BS thinks it is. Are we wanted--they make us feel that way, but we really aren't. We are a temporary fix for their emotional or physical needs and that is where the line is drawn. We are on their time table and go by their rules. They know how to get their egos stroked by us; then they throw us under the bus to keep their clean choir boy/girl image when the BS finds out/is suspicious. They are master manipulators and know how to get what they want when they want it. I'm not saying being the BS is better--neither side has it good.

[crepesuzette]

They are master manipulators and know how to get what they want when they want.

 

in 100 PERCENT agreement!!!...I have learned that the MOM has been nothing but a liar since I have known him. Some can pin that on his line of work, but this character flaw was in place WAY before that came to be. What came first the chicken or the egg kind of thing.

 

There have been tests done. WH more so then WW are extremely hard to re-program. This is due to the fact that men are the aggressors. They are the hunters, and once that mind set is in place, hand in hand with the lies and when the devious deception has come to be their way of life for so long, de programming is next to impossible. A WW usually has an "aha moment" and all bets are off. The fog stage is many times much shorter for a WW then a WH as well.

[harrybrown]

When your spouse has an affair, it is a crushing blow to your self-esteem.

 

If your WS is not remorseful and helping you heal from this betrayal that should have never happened, then you should file for divorce. Get the cheating spouse out of your life.

 

A person that will do this and not be remorseful or help you heal is extremely selfish.

 

How would he feel if you had the affair?

[hippetyhop]

When your spouse has an affair, it is a crushing blow to your self-esteem.

If your WS is not remorseful and helping you heal from this betrayal that should have never happened, then you should file for divorce. Get the cheating spouse out of your life.

 

A person that will do this and not be remorseful or help you heal is extremely selfish.

 

How would he feel if you had the affair?

 

Not only if they are not remorseful, but if they try and hide clear evidence of their cheating/wanting to cheat.

 

The question about how they feel if you had the affair probably wouldn't phase them at all. Think about it--they have no remorse going into an affair. MM/MW might have the thoughts of hey, let them since I'm getting what I need elsewhere, so can they. Their actions are then justified.

[compulsivedancer]

Not only if they are not remorseful, but if they try and hide clear evidence of their cheating/wanting to cheat.

 

The question about how they feel if you had the affair probably wouldn't phase them at all. Think about it--they have no remorse going into an affair. MM/MW might have the thoughts of hey, let them since I'm getting what I need elsewhere, so can they. Their actions are then justified.

 

I agree. I would've been okay with H sleeping with someone else. Not the lying and going behind my back part, but the sex part, yes.

[beatcuff]

You ARE attractive...we all are.

 

wrong. we are not ALL attractive. and not all attractive people are confident. but being confident certainly helps.

 

in the OP case there is two concurrent issues the A and her self-worth.

 

to fix the self-worth i suggest you search out that friend we all have that is brutally honest. and/OR its incredible how consulting a good hair stylist can change your appearance.

 

This woman may be a 9/10 (doubtful).

 

"doubtful" i absolutely agree. the truth is most people are 4 to 6 (remember the bell curve from high school). so OP self-worthlessness is elevating the OW.

 

you need to separate the A from your 'rating'. work on the issues with the A first.

[cocorico]

 

Still not good enough to attract attention from other men which I crave but would never ever act on. Like I said a smile or a wink from an attractive stranger would set me up nicely. I would

never do anything about it. I just feel so unwanted, rejected and unattractive

 

Lj, I was a late bloomer. I had poor self-esteem and felt horribly unattractive, which I probably was compared to all the shapely, clear skinned girls around me who bought their clothes from fashionable outlets and had their hair styled professionally, who were allowed to eat healthy food and learn social skills by interacting with others. I was desperate for external validation, but that kept me in a vicious cycle. And I think you're in a similar vicious cycle. You crave the external validation to help you feel better about yourself, and when you don't get it, you feel worse, which in turn makes you more desperate for it and less likely to get it. You need to break the cycle.

 

For me, it was getting out of the toxic environment I was in. Leaving home, learning to eat food that agreed with me allowed my skin to clear and my shape to emerge, escaping a permanent fog of cigarette smoke let my sinuses clear up, making my own clothes rather than wearing hand-me-downs enabled me to find my own style, and finding friends that accepted me, liked me, enjoyed being with me, helped me home my social skills. I learned to be me, rather than a failed model of what others wanted me to be, and I learned to like me. And the more I came to like me, the more others came to like me too.

 

The affirmation of my friends meant much more to me than the random whistles, compliments and winks from strangers, because my friends knew me inside as well as out, and taught me how to value myself. Without that, attractiveness is really transient and superficial.

 

Being attractive is a virtuous circle the same way feeling / being unattractive is a vicious one. When you find yourself attractive, and glow with confidence and self assurance, others find you attractive too, and that feedback boosts your self-esteem. Bit getting from the one to the other takes effort.

 

There are practical things you can do - your health affects your appearance, as does your style, your posture, your gait, and your surroundings. You can learn skills such as dancing that affect how you occupy space, and hobbies and interests that expand your interaction capacities and the spheres in which you meet people. You can address issues in counselling, learn tips and tricks for the best presentation of yourself from beauty therapists and makeover specialists, and you can develop your assertiveness and confidence from courses, books, therapists or any number of other options. But you have to believe you can.

 

Good luck. It's not easy when you feel so trapped, but once you start, and the feedback becomes positive, you won't look back. You will look at your life and your options very differently, and you will make choices from a position of strength, not a position of envy.

[RavenWolf]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

If it helps your situation any, the OW often does not feel wanted at all.

 

 

I was the OW in a strictly emotional affair, and I feel so horribly unwanted. He chose to stay with his girlfriend rather than be with me.

 

 

In affairs, the only person who truly gets to feel wanted is the one cheating. The cake eater.

 

 

It's so destructive, and again, I am sorry for your pain.

 

I have a hard time believing the OW does often does not feel wanted at all, especially if they are aware of being with a married man. I mean, you get to choose to be with the married man while BW is kept in the dark. BW may be completely oblivious to the fact that hubby is "wanting" another woman and acting on it.

 

OP, I have to say that I wish I would get some attention from men. My cheating husband would get hit on in front of me and the kids. Now that I've lost weight, I still get no looks, nothing. I so want to have just a taste of feeling attractive and wanted. It's not that I want to be with them, just want to feel like someone out there finds me beautiful and worth a look.

 

Just wanted to say I feel your pain.

[Phoe]

I have a hard time believing the OW does often does not feel wanted at all, especially if they are aware of being with a married man. I mean, you get to choose to be with the married man while BW is kept in the dark. BW may be completely oblivious to the fact that hubby is "wanting" another woman and acting on it.

 

Sorry that you don't believe it, but having been an OW in an emotional affair, trust me, I constantly felt unwanted, second best, and not good enough.

 

 

It brought my self-esteem way down. If a guy won't leave his girlfriend even when he's unhappy with her and they fight all the time, even when he's got me waiting for him with open arms, begging for him to come to me, that is a MASSIVE rejection towards me. A MASSIVE "you're not good enough for me to leave her".

 

 

I never felt wanted.

 

 

He's the only one who got to feel wanted through this.

[RavenWolf]

Sorry that you don't believe it, but having been an OW in an emotional affair, trust me, I constantly felt unwanted, second best, and not good enough.

 

 

It brought my self-esteem way down. If a guy won't leave his girlfriend even when he's unhappy with her and they fight all the time, even when he's got me waiting for him with open arms, begging for him to come to me, that is a MASSIVE rejection towards me. A MASSIVE "you're not good enough for me to leave her".

 

 

I never felt wanted.

 

 

He's the only one who got to feel wanted through this.

 

 

Thank you for explaining that. I never would have thought of it that way seeing as I have never been an OW and wouldn't willingly do so.

 

However, I have told my friend when she was an OW that if the man really wanted her he would divorce her and be exclusive with my friend. That never happened of course and she felt very wanted and excused him for staying in his marriage.

[compulsivedancer]

Thank you for explaining that. I never would have thought of it that way seeing as I have never been an OW and wouldn't willingly do so.

 

However, I have told my friend when she was an OW that if the man really wanted her he would divorce her and be exclusive with my friend. That never happened of course and she felt very wanted and excused him for staying in his marriage.

If you spend any time at all on the OW forum, you'll see the patterns start to emerge. One of the bigs ones is: Why doesn't he want to be with me enough to leave his wife?

 

Not that all OWs feel this way. But many many do. And many do, but find ways to rationalize/justify it. "Oh, he just wants to stay with her because of the kids, etc."

 

For me, it was: Did he like ME? Was there something special about ME? Or would he do this with anyone? I had persistent unease, jealousy, confusion about this that I never felt with H, because I was secure in his love for me.

[summerdowling87]

I'm sorry but you husband seems like an a$$-hole to me.

[AutumnMoon]

I am sorry I have to disagree. I have told my BH this myself that in being with the MOM I eventually saw myself through his eyes. The way he saw me. He made me feel better about myself because I could feel how much he wanted to be with me and he spoke to me in such a way. I am not talking about validation. The MOM told me I was the best Mother, friend and woman he had ever met (we were friends before our A started, as well we had dated very briefly about 20 years ago now). When he would talk to me I began to see what he saw. That awoke something in me, it was like a light went on inside of ME. Now trust me, I don't give MOM the credit, because my BH had told me these things many times too, but I was not ready to hear/accept them. It did and still does come from me. Now I know I carry the shame right on my heart of the things I have done to my M and my BH and my family, but I love myself completely. I never REALLY had that before. Even if my M wouldn't have worked out, I know I see myself in a wonderful light, flaws and all. You should work on yourself to get there, forget your WH and what he thinks.

 

This!! This is a great post. I needed to hear it all tonight.